Almost 3 months after Dday, all this time she kept telling me that she does not love me anymore and that she CANNOT break it with the AP, she's in love with him, he means so much to her, he's the only one who understands her etc. and (conveniently) he's also essential for her career which also means so much to her.. (surely more than our marriage)
..After many fights trying to convince her that she should leave this household if she wants to continue the affair, after she tried to make me to agree with in-house separation instead, because she claimed she *has to* to live in this house because she loves this house but especially because of "the children" (in particular the younger one who's still in high school)..
..After she tried to convince the children that she should stay.. after they replied that they also feel like I do, that she cannot live in the same house while working with the AP so closely while she's in love with him .. She finally accepted to move out, instead of giving him up (which for her also means ruining her career). She signed the lease for an apartment nearby (so the children can visit her anytime, she said), she's moving out on Wednesday. I agreed to help her with the move.
So yeah, after she saw that even the kids won't defend her stay here, she proposed this one year "trial separation" and she said she's still "confused" about the whole situation but she "promised" to the children that she is not in fact continuing the affair as long as the AP is still married.. (cue collective eye roll).
So she's packing her stuff now for the move. I see she's taking a lot of stuff with her from the household, she's really getting ready to start her life alone and enjoy it too. She also lined up the bottles of wine we had in the pantry to take them with her (she bought them for herself, I don't really care about drinking but she enjoys a glass once in a while by herself). It feels like she can use the sparkling wine to celebrate her newfound freedom, probably with the AP, one of these evenings. She tells me she's going to use some of the wine for her next book club meeting. Wow, life goes on so easily for her. She's a fighter and a survivor (she lived by herself before, when she came here as a foreign student).
So I know that for her there is a bright side to the move, despite her tears now -- she can continue her affair with the AP even at "her new place", it's making it easier for them, as long as the AP is still married. And I know I was getting in her way these years while she was having the affair, we'd have fights as I felt her slipping away and being insincere, she was distant and unaffectionate with me and I was getting jealous about how "close" she was with the AP (she kept saying they were just very good friends, and that they had many professional reasons to be so close etc. "for work"). During our fights she was sometimes saying how she cannot live with me anymore, she would rather just leave me and go "live by herself" (no mention about the children). Now I know why. But she is still in denial about the real reason for that urge to be away from me. I was in the way of her affair. Since Dday she tried the same narrative many times -- that she just wanted to be alone because our relationship is "toxic" to her, but somehow that has nothing to do with her affair! Really? She still claims she just wanted to live by herself, not with him (since he still hasn't divorced his wife, of course; so I guess she just wanted to be his mistress without me being so annoying about it..).
So now I am thinking she in fact got her earlier wish. She avoided a messy divorce and she's just going to live by herself, without her "toxic" and "controlling" husband, just like she wanted. And continue to be the AP's mistress -- I have no doubts about that, despite her lies about the contrary (she lied for so many years, why stop now, without the nosy husband around to catch them again).
I am looking at her packing her stuff for the move, she often stops to sob, blow her nose etc. When I ask her why she is crying -- she's telling me it's because she is "forced" to leave her home that she loves so much, and her children of course.. And she claims she is forced by me to leave, it was never her choice (so that's another reason for her to feel sad, defeated, and obviously the victim here). She's being playing the victim card all these years while she was screwing around with her professional sugar daddy.
The worst part is that despite of all I know about how she is, about what she did, I am so terribly sad to see her go -- also knowing that she's going to continue the affair and all, I see this as the moment of our actual, final breakup. It's the breakup getting real, actualized. I had to go into the basement to cry a few times these days, seeing her packing makes me feel devastated, I even feel for her suffering(even though I know she does not care about leaving me, but just about leaving her house and the kids behind). Clearly some part of me still loves her, I still do not want to "lose" her physically from the house, even though I know she's been long lost and gone otherwise. I'm *that* addicted to her presence, after so many years together.
But mainly I dread the moment she is just not going to be in the house, no longer feel her presence here in our home, as broken as that has been lately. In a few days it will happen and it feels like I am contemplating an imminent death. Of course, it's the physical death of our relationship, which has been brain dead for years.
Today I was looking at the shopping list for the household for this week and I started crying again -- I always put there some things that only she wanted -- her favorite cookies or fruits etc. Even after Dday I was doing that, out of habit and because I still cared about her. Even after Dday we shared and discussed that shopping list because we shared the household. This will stop in a few days.
It's the first Father's Day when I already feel like a single dad. Next month is also our wedding anniversary, 28 years ago. I'll be 50 in February, probably celebrating it alone with my children - while my wife will be in her own apartment.
I am so weak, I need help to detach from her, to move on. How?! The therapist did not seem to be of much help so far (maybe I haven't found the right therapist).
Separation hasn't even started and I already feel defeated, I feel like I just want to beg her to stay. Which of course would be idiotic because I fought so much lately just for this moment, for her to leave if she does not want to *really* cease her affair and reconcile with her family. I cannot imagine life without her, even though I know it's better for me to be away from her now, that she is my (emotional) enemy -- that I need room to heal, to become independent.
I got over the Dday somehow, it's been a nightmare but I can function again, at least partially. But now I feel it's a new threshold, this separation is the actual breakup, that all is now definitely lost. I won't see her in the house, or at dinner or going for a walk with the dog. We won't discuss the shopping list and all these mundane things that were part of the fabric of our shared life. How to cope with the impending moment of separation and the first days after that? How did others do it? What helps?
I do work out a bit sometimes in the basement but that's barely helping. I cannot watch TV shows or movies, everything is triggering. Now that she is about to leave for good, I feel like the whole world is triggering, reminding me that she's leaving my world for good, that I'll be alone in this world. I miss her so much already and she hasn't even left the house yet, she's just getting ready.