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Just finished mediation

learningtofeel posted 6/22/2020 22:48 PM

Y'all, we finished mediation today. I feel relieved, released, exhilarated, free to fly - and also mournful.

We have an agreement I can live with. It's fair - maybe fairer than he deserves, but okay. I can claim the high road.

It will be a few weeks before the mediator gets us the document to sign, but the hard part is done. I get the house. Not on my timeline but I plan to go visit my brother and my adult kids (TAKE THAT YOU!) while he dithers to get out of (my) the house.

And I feel so free! I can fly without him dragging me down. In a few months I will have my home back and it will be mine alone! My forever home all my own.

I know it's only one small step on the way, but I'm gonna just love it up right now and enjoy it.

Chrysalis123 posted 6/23/2020 09:16 AM


The1stWife posted 6/23/2020 11:56 AM

Glad it worked out for you.

josiep posted 6/24/2020 08:59 AM

And have you started dreaming about the changes you'll make when you get back and it's YOURS, ALL YOURS???? Maybe move the furniture around or hang up a few new pictures? Tear down the old drapes and let the light in.

Muggle posted 6/25/2020 00:43 AM

When I was awarded the paid off house, I was over the moon. I felt like I had slayed a dragon with a slingshot.

I went to a restaurant, high on adrenaline, and excitement. I called my parents, my daughter, and had a glass of wine. I knew he was livid, and filled with rage over the settlement and what I received.

When the excitement wore off it was a different feeling. I changed everything. I painted walls, took down anything that was ours, and put up new photos in frames I painted. I decorated my heart out, while doing it on a dime.

I spent hours painting things from the Goodwill to hang. Artwork, frames, new fun photos of the kids. I painted salad bowls in vibrant colors and hung them in the kitchen on the walls. I put canvas material on frames and made my kitchen a whole new space.

I bought new living room, bookcases, tv stand, kitchen furniture. I got rid of the sad old stuff we had from years of kids.

I bought a patio fire pit table, and planted flowers. I replaced the carpet downstairs with wood flooring, and redecorated my bedroom. Nothing looked the same.

In time the euphoria wore off, and I sometimes struggled with the "house" being a reminder of my time with him. It still whispers at times from the corners, hinting at memories that were part of my life for so many years. It's mine, it's familiar but it's also a place that sometimes I want to escape from. I often wonder if it would have been better for me to have a new place with no memories.

Don't get me wrong. I love the house, just not the memories that seep through the cracks from time to time. It's what you make it, so make it yours in every way. Enjoy it and celebrate it, but expect that you may encounter some wishy washy feelings from time to time as reminders surface.

It is wonderful to change things, without having anyone to critique your choices. It's fun to go wild with anything you wanted or dreamed about but never could do when together. Now is that time.

Phoenix1 posted 6/25/2020 01:34 AM


I got the marital home and, like Muggle, I redecorated it all. It was glorious not having to ask him if he liked certain ideas. I did what I wanted on my own timeline. It is now my sanctuary. So much so that my DDs see it as a sanctuary as well and will come and hide out if they just want to rest. The peace and quiet is priceless.


learningtofeel posted 6/25/2020 09:27 AM

Thank you all!

Wow, Muggle, I can totally see how the ex would still seep in at the corners. We have only been in this house for four years so I am not sure how much that will happen for me.

By the time I get back home I will have been gone for 10 months, so that will be an adjustment too.

But during our mediations (which have been on Zoom) I've caught glimpses in the background of his screen of the various rooms, and the pull back is strong.

Like both you, Muggle, and Phoenix1 I cannot wait to make it my own. He is such a foot dragger - anything I proposed he would balk at. So I have been daydreaming about switching out the dumb little things I could never convince him to do - the overhead fan in the bedroom that rattles, the kitchen light that doesn't match the style of the house, the dumb landscaping rocks in the front yard that just get in the way. All that stuff he wouldn't deal with!

It will still be a few months before I get to move back in, but hey, more time for daydreaming and picking out new ceiling fans :)

heathenchristian posted 6/25/2020 16:16 PM

Congratulations...I am hoping eventually that I can say the same. We haven't even begun negotiating. Ugh

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