X

Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

more information about cookies...

Return to Forum List

Return to Divorce/Separation

SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Divorce/Separation

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Feeling violated

heathenchristian posted 6/25/2020 15:17 PM

He came out to the house while I was at work. My security camera shows him showing family members my living room furniture and master bedroom furniture...I'm assuming he is saying this one family member can have this furniture if they want it. I've emailed my lawyer already. We haven't even begun to bargain. He just keeps taking things from the house to give away/sell.
Also our daughter was with them.
Sometimes I wish I had never met the man. He's so selfish.

Hurtingnconfused posted 6/25/2020 16:04 PM

Funny, when my WH brought the OW to the house, that was more offensive to me than her sleeping with him. Its a violation of your sanctuary, your safe place!

I hear you and good move talking to the lawyer

Chrysalis123 posted 6/25/2020 17:17 PM

Geez...Immediately videotape everything and can you change the locks or codes?

heathenchristian posted 6/25/2020 17:24 PM

can you change the locks or codes
?
Wish I could. We haven't even had a real court date yet for anything. He is not physically abusive and he is still owner of the home

I'm hoping my lawyer can do something. At least I have proof of all the things he's doing. I just hope it helps me in the long run.

Muggle posted 6/25/2020 17:56 PM

My attorney got me an order giving me exclusive use of the house, as my Ex had married the woman he just met 14 days earlier.

I changed the mailbox locks and the house locks, and it took another year plus for the paperwork to process. I wanted zero part of him waltzing into the house and getting things. In the end he dropped by and picked up select things, and then I had to force him to come get the rest of his stuff 1.5 years later.

heathenchristian posted 6/25/2020 20:16 PM

I totally forgot to lock my bedroom door, I had a feeling and I was rushing out this morning.

I wanted zero part of him waltzing into the house and getting things.

He has pretty much taken all his personal things. As I am cleaning up rooms I'm moving his crap to basement, maybe I should put in garage.

I just realized he took a few more things last week. He had been here repairing some things.

I've taken pics of all rooms at all angles...so I can look at my pics and tell what is gone.

Waiting to hear back from lawyer. I'm hoping I can get some sort of order to keep him from taking things and bringing people into the house.

LadyG posted 6/26/2020 02:05 AM

You have been violated.

My STBXWH had a hidden spy camera installed in my bedroom. He was watching me all the time, even before we were separated and even after DDAY as I packed whatever I needed to take and run.

I feel sick that he saw me undress, get dressed and sit alone reading in bed.

I thought that one safe place I had was the privacy of my bedroom.

He denies showing the footage to anyone but I don’t believe him. He tells me he deleted the footage, but I don’t believe him.

He’s a very sick man.

From here on end, every meeting I must have with him will be recorded with a witness in the room. An unbiased witness.

Just when I thought he couldn’t get any worse than what I already know. There’s still more to come...

StillLivin posted 6/26/2020 02:27 AM

Put whatever you can live without in storage until everything is divided up. Youd be surprised how fast you can get used to sitting in lawn chairs and sleeping on an air mattress.

Chrysalis123 posted 6/26/2020 09:07 AM

Maybe you cannot change the locks but nothing is stopping you from adding interior locks. Be creative in figuring out how to protect yourself. And I agree, move important or precious things to a locked space. Video tape all of it and during the divorce you can settle how it is divided up. The wasband in my case stole the family videos and my attorney had to get involved for me to get them back.

2 can play this game.

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 11:45 AM, June 26th (Friday)]

nekonamida posted 6/26/2020 10:02 AM

Lots of great advice above but in addition to that, make a list of everything he has taken. Find those items online or similar equivalents and record their prices. When the D starts, that money will be considered as part of his share. If he wants to give all of his half of the assets in D away, he's free to but I'm betting he has no idea that he will be held responsible and will receive less because of it. Judges also don't like it when one spouse scrambles to hide or give away assets before the court date in order to try and get more out of D or punish their STBX.

It's infuriating right now but I'll bet you will feel a bit better when you're buying new furniture with the extra money you got out of his stupidity. Plus the look on his face when he realizes he actually has to give you the money equivalent of the stuff he took when he thought he was SO clever getting rid of it now will be priceless.

Bigger posted 6/26/2020 11:22 AM

Heathen

Owner of the house is so misunderstood. It simply means he’s the owner, not necessarily someone that can walk in and out. Owner and legal resident are two separate things. Just like a landlord usually needs permission to access a rental.

Has he moved out? Does he get mail sent to another address? Does he sleep in the house?

If not then chances are you CAN legally change locks.
You might not legally be able to prevent him from entry, but then at your convenience.

One suggestion: Take a walk-about and photograph every room from multiple angles.

heathenchristian posted 6/26/2020 11:38 AM

Has he moved out? Does he get mail sent to another address? Does he sleep in the house?
He has moved out, had his mail changed, does not sleep there. I looked up the laws in IL and I can't change locks...he has to be abusive for me to get and order for him to stay out.

Take a walk-about and photograph every room from multiple angles.
I did that long ago. Plus now I have cameras in house to monitor when I'm not home.

Find those items online or similar equivalents and record their prices. When the D starts, that money will be considered as part of his share

I've got a list of things he's taken, but didn't think to get pricing...thanks.

Thank you all for the insights...so helpful.

Bigger posted 6/26/2020 11:57 AM

Ask your attorney about “exclusive possession of the marital residence”. This is done once filed and does not reflect that you will get the home in divorce, but it does mean you get to live there.

I'm not sure he can enter and leave at will. One group that knows this is your local domestic abuse center. These places are not "only" for underprivileged homeless seriously abused women. They often offer experienced counselors that could guide you on your rights and resources to end this. In my eyes entering your home and displaying your possessions IS abuse.

k8la posted 6/28/2020 14:43 PM

While you can't "change" the locks, what if you added additional locks - like deadbolts to each door, including the door between the garage and the house. So while he might be able to access the garage because you can't change codes, he can't get into the rest of the house.

Yes, he can kick and scream - maybe even call a lock smith to get in, but then he's involving 3rd parties to access stuff and liquidate before a divorce that is obviously contentious.

Hope your attorney responds soon.

heathenchristian posted 6/28/2020 20:16 PM

exclusive possession

I looked this up and there has to be some kind of abuse, not just me feeling violated or wanting him out.

adding interior locks. Be creative in figuring out how to protect yourself.

what if you added additional locks

I don't want my daughter to be asking why I'm locking things up and hiding things. I'd rather her see him taking and not asking me if it's ok to take. I'm being very careful not to talk about anything of the divorce in front of her.
I mean she was with them when they were traipsing through my house. So she sees what he does.
I would usually blow my top, but I have to be smart about it.
We already had locks on basement and what was our bedroom...I don't think he ever put the keys on his keyring.
Hopefully he will get what he deserves in the end. I'm not going down without a fight.

Chrysalis123 posted 6/29/2020 08:24 AM

I don't want my daughter to be asking why I'm locking things up and hiding things. I'd rather her see him taking and not asking me if it's ok to take. I'm being very careful not to talk about anything of the divorce in front of her.
I mean she was with them when they were traipsing through my house. So she sees what he does.

This is putting your daughter in a tough spot. I imagine it is confusing for her and maybe scaring her.You may want to consider consulting with a therapist for advice in how to handle this.

Wasband in my case was stealing from me, and then involved oldest DD in stealing from me too. He brainwashed my DD that I was evil and since that time there have always been issues between my oldest DD and me. Wasband accused me of stealing (projection) and tried to get me arrested multiple times. Police came to my house twice to arrest me and immediately saw how crazy Wasband was/is.

DD has not spoken to me in 2 years and is now 24. That is why I am advising to be aware of what is happening emotionally with your children.

heathenchristian posted 6/29/2020 09:19 AM

This is putting your daughter in a tough spot. I imagine it is confusing for her and maybe scaring her

My daughter asks lots of questions. She is very aware of what is going on, her behavior has not changed. She tell her dad how she sees it, she tells me how she sees it. She already stated she doesn't want to either one of us to throw dirt on the other...she just turned 11. She knows I get frustrated with him, but she also knows this has nothing to do with her. He will tell her something that he should be telling me directly and she will tell him to tell me. This is why I communicate via text with him as much as possible. He can't say you did not tell me that. He is so self centered that if it is not about him or his needs, it has to be told to him several times for him to get it.
Our daughter is very kind hearted and loving, yet very direct and so very observant and will say something if it is not right. I encourage her to talk to me...I want her to know I am there for her. I really try hard not to say anything bad about her dad. She recently asked him if he was dating someone and he answered maybe...can't even tell the truth to her about that. Anyway she told me and then asked me what if he was cheating on you...I told her I could not do anything about it...that would be on him, not me.
She was like ok.
I try to be honest with her without throwing dirt on her dad.


Return to Forum List

Return to Divorce/Separation

© 2002-2021 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy