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Living with the aftermath

Justsomeguy posted 6/27/2020 15:48 PM

I had no idea on what to call this post. I am approaching my 2 year anniversary of separation, and although my STBXWW has recently responded to my proposal, her place has been glacial.

As the prospect of an actual divorce gets closer, I find my thoughts to be troubled. I think of myself as perpetually single. I cannot bring myself to envision a future where I am not alone. As a result, all of my future projections are based on me and me alone. Make no mistake, I would love to find love again, but I'm not sure I'm built for it anymore.

You see, I loved being a husband and a father, I really loved it. I adored my STBXWW. Yes, I now know she did not warrant that, but I did. I just dont think I can ever bring myself to adore anyone again. I have seen the worst in people and now know what they are capable of. Yes, I knew bad people existed, but they always existed somewhere else. They were the stuff of stories or news segments. They were not sleeping next to you or calling you to see how you are. They were the "other". Now I've realized that "there's not art to find the mind's construction in the face".

So, for those that have gone before me, does this fade or do you always fly with an extra reserve chute? Does that feeling of forbidding go away, or is it a perminant spectre haunting everything you do?

traicionada posted 6/27/2020 20:58 PM

I got married right out of HS so it took me several years and a lot of therapy to learn to trust myself around people again but I am very slow emotionally learner If remaining single post divorce doesnít sound appealing to you, donít. Itís totally up to you

gmc94 posted 6/28/2020 00:35 AM

I knew bad people existed, but they always existed somewhere else. They were the stuff of stories or news segments. They were not sleeping next to you or calling you to see how you are.
me too.

Iíll never adore anyone like I did my WH.

Being a BS is a loss of innocence.

Yet, we donít know the future, and I do believe we can work on shedding that extra parachute.

blahblahblahe posted 6/28/2020 11:00 AM

It does not haunt everything you do in the future, it does however manifest itself as what can best be described as "trust but verify" to a certain minimal degree.

You can absolutely feel love again, the rush, the joy, and all the things you believe you are missing.

Your XW is just a bad person, they are quite good hiding it over the years, but the whatever variables changed and she made the decision to drop the mask and that is when you got the see the REAL person.

Regarding her glacial speed, well, she no doubt has a reason for it, if it is not in your interest then simply take it away from her, legally. Your attorney can always file contempt requests on missing docs etc, mine had to multiple times (it's quite amusing how everything moves about a day or two before the contempt hearing).

Show little compassion or mercy for her, she is not your friend regardless of what comes out of her mouth.

Muggle posted 6/28/2020 13:36 PM

Make no mistake, I would love to find love again, but I'm not sure I'm built for it anymore.

This is betrayal, abandonment and pain talking. The real you is buried underneath the weight of the experience you're having.

I REFUSE to allow the past to taint my future. I'm a bit more than 2 years out from the devastation that occurred. I had a horrendous experience, that will haunt me for many years to come I'm sure.

I simply refuse to accept that this is the the ONLY possible outcome for my life. I'm capable of so much more. I'm worthy of love, happiness and loving someone so completely that the rest of the world ceases to exist. I know it in my heart.

I've decided I'm going to walk into the future on my terms. If I don't find someone in life I'll be lonely but still happy. I don't NEED someone to complete me, but I would like someone to compliment me and be my life partner. I'm not actively looking for someone. I'm older, have some medical requirements that need to be accepted by another potential mate, but I've not given up on the dream.

Only YOU can make yourself give up on your dreams. If you allow someone else to destroy chances to be happy, content, or loved then you've allowed them far too much control and influence. I won't ever forget what happened, but I can't and won't hold another soul responsible for his actions.

I have the capacity to heal, just like a broken bone, it will always be vulnerable, a bit fragile but the experience will fade, and I will learn to love life with the same passion I did once before. The best experience in my life might be just around the corner waiting.

I want to make sure I'm in a healthy place to see it clearly when and if it comes. My only advice is to make sure you're healed. I hope I will find that special person that I will grow old with, my new best friend, the one that I will smile at everyday and love with all my heart.

Will love be in my future? I don't know but I'm not going to let disappointment comfort me and pain hold me if I have an opportunity to walk into the sunshine, and into a loving relationship.

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