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Moving into Separation

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countrydirt posted 6/30/2020 13:31 PM

Well, I think this might be more of a blog/vent spot for me over the next period of time. Moving on with the initial separation and figuring out details. Next 6 months ought to be a real adventure. But, my heart has callouses and my attitude is improving.

I don't drink (thank the Lord - I am a recovering alcoholic without a drink for nearly 5 years) or imbibe in anything else except ice cream. I've lost about 7 pounds over the past few weeks. I go to the gym 3 times per week and lift weights and workout. I also ride my bike for 5-10 miles each morning and also walk 2-3 miles per day.

Fortunately, I have enough work to keep my mind occupied for parts of the day. I decided to always wear headphones when I walk because it is simply too much time inside of my own head. It does get ugly in there, so that's that. I'll also hit a couple of AA meetings every week to keep my spiritual compass calibrated.

homewrecked2011 posted 6/30/2020 15:26 PM

And stay in the day. No panicking over what may/may not happen. Just be the best you can be today.

On SI Iíve heard that time heals, but it really matters what you do with the time. Sounds like you have a wonderful plan.

EllieKMAS posted 6/30/2020 16:32 PM

Not really anything helpful to say other than GOOD for you on your sobriety! My mom is a fellow trudger with 7.5 years sober and is very active in her AA community. She's amazing and you are too!

Sounds like you have a solid plan in place for right now. Just take it a step at a time and one day at a time. You're doing all the right things to get yourself firmly on the healing path.

betrayedafter20 posted 6/30/2020 20:38 PM

Hi countrydirt. I am newer to this status too just a couple months ahead. I'm sorry you have moved to this board, but not sorry - it is a great first step toward healing. I admire your strength in staying sober for 5 years. Thinking because you learned how to manage that piece that you at least have similar coping mechanisms built in now for adding this journey.

You will be in good company for your "blog". :) Listeners here

DarkSecrets posted 7/1/2020 05:13 AM

I also am just a few days into the separation phase, although I admit I hung precariously in the reconciliation stage for the wrong reasons. I was trying to keep it together for financial reasons, and probably also out of fear. He made the decision for me by attempting to break NC, and in the few days since, heís picked up drinking again. He was just in a recovery program 2 months ago.

I imagine we are all using this site somewhat as a vent/blog space. Itís great to have others who are going through similar feelings and dilemmas concurrently.

I wish you the best through this journey. Stay strong and try to remember to keep yourself and your own needs first!

countrydirt posted 7/3/2020 09:42 AM

Thank you for your support.

I have my first counseling session today to try and get some coping skills with the shitshow that is running through my mind. I'm very fortunate that my employer has a relationship with a counseling office so I have 5 free visits. I planned to go on a really long (12-13 mile) hike up a mountain today, but the timing of the appointment put that out. Probably do that next Monday since I have meetings and conferences on Tuesday and Wednesday.

I also have a 1 hour cardio/core workout at my gym this morning. I've been riding the bike 5-10 miles every morning and walking or jogging some as well. My yard has never looked better and I'm continuing to lose inches and firm up my 56 year old body.

Food doesn't have much appeal, even ice cream, but I'm sure that will come back eventually.

AA-wise, its pretty tough since there are so few meetings in my city right now. Used to have 5-10 available per day, now its maybe 1 or 2, but I have several guys I can call and that helps immensely.

countrydirt posted 7/4/2020 05:53 AM

My first counseling session went pretty well. I've been putting your advice in practice and doing what I need to do, so I didn't really learn anything new from him, but it was sort of amusing (in a tragic way) to see this young therapist's eyes open wide and have him say "Wow!" in the same sort of disbelief we all do. He said,"Normally, I would tell people to exercise, talk to someone, write and meditate, so let's talk about meditation since you already do those other things."

My biggest challenge seems to be sleeping and eating. Woke up at 3 a.m. and now I'm up for the day. Yesterday I grilled a burger and it tasted good. I think that is the first meal I did't have to choke down in over 10 days.

I'm heading to the mountains for a hike up an 11,000' peak and a drive in the forest. It's time for me to have the life I want and do the things I want to do, when I want to do them. I know that the anxiety and fears won't just go away, but I have to learn to live in today, not in what-ifs.

[This message edited by countrydirt at 5:54 AM, July 4th (Saturday)]

countrydirt posted 7/4/2020 21:40 PM

I took a long hike up a mountain today. It helped.

Hedwig posted 7/5/2020 08:08 AM

Countrydirt, I just wanted to say you have inspired me today, right now, to get off the couch and do something. You have hiked up a mountain, you do all these other healthy things, so I can manage cleaning my house. Thank you.

I am sorry you are moving into separation, good luck on your journey.

countrydirt posted 7/5/2020 08:56 AM

Hedwig, it surely is a shitshow and the only thing keeping me sane is lots of activity and lots of writing. You can do it. Housecleaning is important. Get out of that depression "nest" and make it what you need it to be. Just pick a room or an area and work on that today. There's always tomorrow.

countrydirt posted 7/5/2020 09:00 AM

Oh and no more pain shopping by looking back at some of the stuff that I've written or pondering the depth of the betrayal and deception. Just thinking about today and what good I can do for myself.

ALotofHistory posted 7/7/2020 19:00 PM

Good on you, country. You are on a great path forward. Keep it up.

Katz13 posted 7/7/2020 21:33 PM

I can totally relate to your anxiety! Months ago it was so bad, I couldn't eat nor sleep. The plus was I lost around 40lbs. I took up walking daily because the obsessive thoughts were making the walls close in. I'm up to 10 miles and recently got a personal trainer at the gym. My life may be in divorce turmoil but at least some positive things are happening. It's nice after 18 years to put myself first. I wish you all the best and admire your strength.

countrydirt posted 7/15/2020 00:13 AM

Finally getting her ass out of the house this week. What a shitshow this has been. Iíve been living on hopium during the in house separation, but was delusional. This should be my last night in the guest bed and then she can toddle off and ďfigure outĒ her head.

Iím calling our oldest two sons tomorrow (both live out of state) and letting them know exactly what their mother has done and Iíll tell our 17 year old tomorrow as well. Then I plan to start burning her world down by telling my coworkers and the word will get around. Iíll survive that humiliation with the knowledge that I donít have to take any more from her.

Does anyone know how long one can survive on 800 calories a day and 3 hours of sleep per night?

[This message edited by countrydirt at 12:17 AM, July 15th (Wednesday)]

Buffer posted 7/15/2020 04:03 AM

Brother, not long, but you know this.
So sorry your STBX has done this to the family.
Sounds like she is just all about her.
Hopefully your children will help you through the D.
Take care of the little one.
Do you think STBX wife make the transition to D easy ?
Just keep up the training and eating well, seek assistance with the sleeping, but that will come back. Donít over train.
One day at a time

countrydirt posted 7/15/2020 06:01 AM

Yeah, I know I can't make it too long without sleep. I got almost 5 hours last night and am having my morning tea. My STBXW is sleeping a drugged sleep. I told our 17 year old that his mom was moving out this week and that I would tell him why tomorrow. I've told her sister last night and now am moving on.

WarriorPrincess posted 7/15/2020 19:51 PM


It sounds like you have an amazing active life. I am so excited for you and wish the same for myself. Stay strong, brother!

countrydirt posted 7/16/2020 06:34 AM

I showed her two leases and took her to look at apartments. Imagine this, when she got a look at what she could afford and the neighborhoods they were in, her desire to ďget away and figure herself outĒ suddenly evaporated and she sent an email to the AP. Reality has a way of throwing ice water on a couple of dogs locked up in the middle of the street.

She has the conditions to attempt reconciliation with me. I have no hope, but will try to not throw away 32 years without at least working a bit. I told her I was done lifting every heavy piece of garbage sheís dumped into this marriage and she has to start lifting them herself and meet me more than halfway.

Iíll update as thing warrant. Donít hold your breath.

countrydirt posted 7/16/2020 12:30 PM

Never mind my last post. Her AP contacted her last night and of course she responded. I told her, "you know what I expect. The clock is done ticking over this, you want it both ways, you can only have one. Get out."

I will not help her move,but I will start packing her shit soon. I'll likely take in a renter soon so that I can keep my house and charge a nominal rental for a room and access to the whole house.

I told our 17 year old this morning why his mom was moving out. To say he was stunned is an understatement. I told him it was obvious I couldn't love her enough to make her stay or make up her mind. A cold dose of reality is what she needs. As soon as I take him up to his girlfriends house, I'm going to start moving her shit out of my bedroom. She can sleep on the uncomfortable fucking spare bed until she gets her ass gone.

countrydirt posted 7/16/2020 14:29 PM

Ironically, our son (now 17 - then 13 or 14) knew something was up 4 years ago when he used his mom's computer and saw what sort of shit she had been searching for. How to be a lesbian via google. That sounds pretty wholesome.

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