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Moving into Separation

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countrydirt posted 9/17/2020 17:20 PM

nekomida - you are absolutely right! There is no chance we will remain married, period. It took me a while to get there, but I am there. Papers will be filed with the court clerk on Monday or Tuesday - still waiting back for information on appointment time. It's a done deal. We're just cleaning up the details. Ironically, divorce could be final 5 days after what would have been the 32nd anniversary. Better planning on my part and I could had it happen on the day.

countrydirt posted 9/20/2020 16:51 PM

Divorce papers signed. I will file tomorrow afternoon and start the 91 day clock.

countrydirt posted 9/21/2020 06:46 AM

After we signed everything and were sitting in silence, she said, "I have this little fantasy that we'll still be friends when this is all done." Rather than laugh out loud, I just said, "I really doubt that will happen right away." I didn't add that she pretty much assured that we wouldn't be friends since she is the one that threw it away.

But, as I look back, we had probably 27 really good years together, 3 confusing years and 1 really bad one. We raised 3 great young men and have many wonderful memories. I'm trying to not let the bad year and confusing years overshadow those things.

Our 17 year old reminded me that despite that he told his mother she could 'co-parent' he chooses to stay with me, not her, regardless of where we all end up.

Work, the gym, and sleeping are my priorities right now. Going to call my doctor today and try and get a scrip for a sleep aid and anxiety meds.

BearlyBreathing posted 9/21/2020 09:10 AM

Mixed emotions but a strong step. Congratulations.

nekonamida posted 9/21/2020 09:20 AM

Congrats, CD. They always believe that we want to still be friends after they treated us so poorly. It helps them rationalize that what they did wasn't so bad.

countrydirt posted 9/21/2020 13:03 PM

The socially distanced line took longer than filing the paperwork and giving the court some money.

I'm already back at work and trying to focus not very successfully. My new friend called me and offered to come out and give me a hug.

It feels like a huge weight is being lifted from my chest. Painful but relief is on the way, a bit at at time.

I've been riding my bicycles a lot this summer, both road and mountain bike. I have scars on my legs and elbows from taking spills on the single track and the pavement. But I'm getting physically stronger. Last week at the gym we had a core and ab workout. It was hard, but my core is in pretty good shape and my legs are strong. If I ever end up back in bed with anyone, I expect I'm going to be dynamite!!

fooled13years posted 9/23/2020 08:57 AM

countrydirt, perhaps I am wrong but it seems to me that you might be leaving the door open a little and perhaps giving her some false hope.

I told her that even if she came crawling back when her fantasy falls apart, I likely would not take her back

Do you see it?

I know one should never say never but you implying that you likely would not take her back may be giving her false hope that she can come back to you should her life fall apart.

she said, "I have this little fantasy that we'll still be friends when this is all done." Rather than laugh out loud, I just said, "I really doubt that will happen right away

The I really doubt that will happen right away statement may again be giving her false hope.
I didn't add that she pretty much assured that we wouldn't be friends since she is the one that threw it away

If this is how you really feel you should let her know that other than being co-parents you do not foresee any future relationship with her.

countrydirt posted 9/23/2020 12:40 PM

Hi fooled13years. Thanks for the really good observation. I'm not as good at remembering then writing what I say/said. I'm been pretty solid over the past few weeks that where we are is irreconcilable. We already went through the 4 years of attempted R, so that's closed.

We are beyond the point of no return. Divorce has been filed and will be finalized around December 23. That will be the best Christmas present!

She asked about the being friends thing again. My exact words were, "We might eventually be friendly, but we'll never be friends."

[This message edited by countrydirt at 1:21 PM, September 23rd (Wednesday)]

Tigersrule77 posted 9/23/2020 13:28 PM

She asked about the being friends thing again. My exact words were, "We might eventually be friendly, but we'll never be friends."

That is probably a very realistic outlook. For most BS's, we don't really have any interest in being friends with liars, or someone who would treat their "friends" that way. But it is up to you to decide.

For me, I co-parent with XWW and typically only communicate by text. We are not friends and I will not spend time with her by choice.

fooled13years posted 9/24/2020 12:38 PM

countrydirt, well said sir.

We might eventually be friendly, but we'll never be friends

As co-parents the two of you will forever be tied together and you being cordial toward her should be all that she should expect.

countrydirt posted 9/24/2020 18:27 PM

I'm going tomorrow to have lunch with my STBX SIL. I've known her nearly as long as my STBXW and she was a real source of support when things were falling apart. The WW asked her own sister to lie to me about her running off with the OW for a weekend and SIL refused.

The SIL and her friend are donating some equipment for my Food Science class, so we'll meet and have lunch and visit a bit. I've already told her that I still will consider her family and still love my nieces and tolerate her husband (JK - he's a good guy) and that's all good. Her and her sister (WW) have not spoken since May.

I went out with some friends last night to an outdoor music venue and was paralyzed by a lady trying to pick me up. I didn't know what to do. I could easily read her intentions, but damn, I certainly wasn't ready for that. My friends (both female) got a real kick out of it and had good laugh at my expense. Maybe in a few months. When did some women get so blatantly aggressive? I've missed a lot in 31 years!

[This message edited by countrydirt at 6:28 PM, September 24th (Thursday)]

countrydirt posted 9/27/2020 17:36 PM

I realized today, as I was driving to meet a friend for a walk at our local river trail, that I haven't been single for over 32 years. I don't know what to think sometimes. It does feel good to only have to worry about my and my son's schedules. It does feel good to be able to pick up and just go do something if I want to.

It felt really good to receive a message from a new female bicycling friend on Friday afternoon asking if I wanted to meet for a ride later and to realize that I didn't have to negotiate schedules, but could just grab my bike and go. It felt really good to ride 25 miles with my new friend and to make plans to ride again.

It is a bit confusing to figure out how to talk to women again and to not be completely shocked by the almost brazen behavior of some of them (at least in my mind) but I know that all I really need to do is be a good man and try to make new friends.

It feels good to know that all I really need to do is be honest and enjoy the moment.

Lalagirl posted 9/27/2020 17:54 PM

It feels good to know that all I really need to do is be honest and enjoy the moment.

BOOM! There you go!

But...(I know...damn, there's always a "but")

IMHO, you need to be alone with yourself for a bit.

countrydirt posted 9/27/2020 19:28 PM

Lalagirl - that is so right - the 'but'. I have no intention of being with anyone or trying to jump back in. I want to experience single life as an adult.

My new female cycling friend is just that, a cycling friend. We ride at an enjoyable pace and have a chance to just talk about things.

I don't enjoy riding as much with my male cycling friends because it becomes a hammerfest - swinging our wangs seeing who can ride the fastest. My other male friends want to talk about sports and I couldn't care less about sports. My male teaching colleagues are not guys I would hang out with after school because they either want to go drink or watch ballgames.

But some of my female friends are more easy going and relaxing to be around.

countrydirt posted 9/29/2020 13:41 PM

I had a small moment of clarity this morning as I drove to school - I feel free. Free from doubt, free from fear that I haven't done everything I could to save the marriage, free from worry about what she is doing, free from care about her weight, diet and personal care. I feel pretty relaxed today. I know that every day won't be like this, but for today, I am grateful to feel this way.

crazyblindsided posted 9/29/2020 13:54 PM

Yes I too am loving the feeling of free. I no longer have to question what he is really doing, what he means by what he said, his presence causing me anxiety. The peace of mind from not being around my STBX is priceless.

countrydirt posted 10/2/2020 06:12 AM

I had a short chat with my older brother last night. He divorced about 15 years ago after 18 years of marriage. I'm pretty sure his ex cheated on him, but we didn't talk about that. We haven't been real close over the last few years because he shacked up with a horrible woman who I can't stand, but he is still my big brother and I know I can lean on him if I need to.

My baby (48 year old) sister reached out to me yesterday and it was nice to talk to her. My people are all devastated by the news of the divorce, but in the end, none are really that surprised.

I went out on a full moon kayak paddle last night and had a therapeutic and peaceful time. It was with a new friend (female) and a few other folks. A little fishing, moon and star gazing and I felt much better. I've never experienced anything like that. I'm discovering I have a bit more of an adventurous side than I've expressed over the past 32 years.

Today I am going out on a short single track mountain bike ride with my best friend. After, we are going to go to a farm market and get our green chili for the winter and then taking my son and his girlfriend on a "Ghost Walk" put on by our local historical society and then out to dinner. Saturday is a party with my best friend and some of her co-workers. It might include tomahawks, guns, guitars and drinking! Sounds like a dangerous combination!! (don't worry, I won't drink! I'm getting my 5 year chip from AA next Friday) Being around people who enjoy adult beverages is not a problem for me. I just don't really like the smell of it anymore. FYI - my best friend is gay and she hasn't really been single as an adult either, so we are supporting each other in being single together.

This building a new life is busy!

Buffer posted 10/2/2020 07:02 AM

Sounds like you have yourself in order, strength and Respect ✊. Keep a eye on #1 DS he will have a lot to keep his head wrapped around.
One day at a time.

Anna123 posted 10/2/2020 07:46 AM

That is great you have such a nice circle of friends.

When did some women get so blatantly aggressive? I've missed a lot in 31 years!

The one's that are so aggressive at the start are aggressive going forward. We aren't all that way. I recommend continuing to enjoy this time with friends and steering clear of any entanglement. Seriously. After everything is final and settled for awhile you will be a better judge of potential partners. There are a lot of needy and manipulative desperate women targeting freshly single men like you out there, be careful!

countrydirt posted 10/2/2020 08:48 AM

Thank you Anna123! I know not all are that way and I would not be a good catch right now. Maybe in a few years I'll be ready to open my heart a crack to let someone see me.

Right now my son is my priority. We started "in person" school this week so I made sure he came and saw me before he left campus! First time I've seen him in the daylight for a week or so.

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