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He moved across the country

Muggle posted 7/4/2020 19:52 PM

He didn't bother to tell his children ahead of time. Like a coward he ditched them again. One kid overheard him at a job site talking to someone on the phone telling his employee he was moving across the USA.

He hasn't given any of them his address. For Father's day our daughter asked him for an address to mail him a card, and asked if he was still a few hours away. He dodged her until she flat out asked him if he moved across the US to be with his wife. He reluctantly replied that he had moved out of our state. She asked how she could send him his Father's Day card, and he refused to give her an address. He told her she could send him some stickers on FB and call him instead. I don't have his address either. Now he has no address to serve him if needed.

He didn't even say goodbye to them. The last time he saw two of them was at a job site where he asked them to come work for him. He ate with them, worked beside them and didn't bother to tell them.

He told them that for his safety he didn't want anyone to know where he lives. He is neck deep in his lawsuits. It defies logic to me that he would be only worried about his OWN safety and that of his wife, but not his children if it's that unsafe. He keeps asking me if I've been contacted by the other parties in his lawsuits.

Fast forward, and he tells our daughter and one son that he would like them to visit them in the summer. He offers to put them up in a hotel if his wife isn't on board with having them where they live. WTF, really? The coward and his cohort are afraid of confrontation? I pity them both, this has all the makings of a phenomenal disaster. His wife's last email said she wasn't participating in his drama and then mentioned that "things aren't what they seem to be". She stated that he wanted to know what we'd talked about and wanted to see our private emails. She said our emails would remain private. I assured her I wouldn't share her emails with him either.

I'm not on board with any of them going without an physical address. Not to mention that where they live is almost ground zero for Covid. NY is not that far from them, although not the same state. One of them has zero interest and the other two minimal interest in going.

I'm outwardly more pissed than any of my kids. I'm not sure I'm not projecting my anger in this onto them. My daughter simmers and I believe she's not as "ok" as she claims. My son is brooding silently, and I know he's struggling. The other one has already found coping mechanisms and doesn't give a damn. Two have significant depression and are under medical care.

His wife moved back to her state after they were married to keep joint custody of her son, and has to stay there for another 3 years. He on the other hand moved completely away from his children without a care in the world. What does this say to them? They aren't worth it? They're too much effort, too hard to fix what he's done, so don't bother?

How the hell do I turn this into lemonade? How can I make them not feel like he walked out on them for her? She wasn't willing to give up her son but he was willing to not see them, and live across the USA from them so he could be with her instead. Her kid gets his attention and they get a card at Christmas and a few phone calls?

When things come up that they need him for his go response to them is to get a job. It's always about money with him, and he seems as though all their life issues are only mine to solve. I'm the one that deals with dental, cars, and I set aside my life to handle things that two parents normally work together on. He has no responsibility other than financial and that's court ordered.

He asked one of our sons if he could lower his support for college since he's home due to Covid and not driving. When he asked for a replacement phone for one that's 6 years old he told him he could do some technical work for him in exchange for a phone. The kid goes to college 8 hours a day, then has 2-5 hours of homework a day. Our son even offered to pay for the phone if his dad would fix it on the plan. He said no.

I am having health issues right now. I'm having vertigo to the point I'm not allowed to drive. I'm supposed to have an MRI and see a neurologist. I spent days in bed unable to keep my balance. I passed out and threw up at the doctors office when they did an Epley maneuver to try to help.

I can't be incapacitated. I can't opt out like he does. I feel the weight of the world sometimes, but I keep waiting for the Universe to smile on me but it seems cloudy days have been the weather for awhile. My car decided to need repairs and my son needs $3700 worth of dental done.

I'm tired of doing this alone, I really am. I just want a shoulder to cry on. Someone to tell me this too will pass. I get a moment of sunshine followed by unending problems.

Can't it just be calm and peaceful for a bit? I just needed to vent, to be heard. I feel better already, but sometimes it just seems too much to deal with.

Can I just have a margarita, an umbrella, some sand, and maybe a bit of music for a bit? I need a reboot on life, a rainbow, some flowers and I could refocus.

EllieKMAS posted 7/4/2020 20:18 PM

Ugh muggle... Sometimes it really does feel like the universe is just shitting on us doesn't it?? This too shall pass. It will.

Couple things. One: it is NOT your job to manage your children's relationship with their dad. Be there for them, tell them you love them and empathize. That's all you can do. Trying to do any more will not help you (or them, in the long-run).

Two: As for finding him? Try any people search on google. If you have his name, phone #, and other pertinent details you should be able to run one of those and have a current address for him in about 5 minutes for $40-50.

Hang in there muggle! Sending you all the good juju!

Phoenix1 posted 7/4/2020 20:24 PM

You've been heard. It's hard being the only responsible parent.

He told them that for his safety he didn't want anyone to know where he lives. He is neck deep in his lawsuits. It defies logic to me that he would be only worried about his OWN safety and that of his wife, but not his children if it's that unsafe. He keeps asking me if I've been contacted by the other parties in his lawsuits.

If he is anything like my Xhole, it has nothing to do with "safety" and everything to do with dodging process servers. My ex is a master at that, and that is why he goes dark. Pure and simple service avoidance.

When Xhole moved across the country he told none of our kids. We still had one minor kid and he didn't say boo to her. None of them cared as they had no intention of ever going to see him.

When he broke up with OW and moved back, he never said anything either. Kids still don't care and have never seen him for a social visit.

All kids are adults now, and I stay out of it. As adults they need to manage their own relationship with their father, and I support their decisions. Ultimately, they know I am the stable parent always there for them. I've always done the heavy lifting with the kids (all appointments, etc) so now is no different. Was their father at the hospital when our DD was sent for possible suicide attempt? No. I was there. I was with her all night. I have been involved with every step of after care. Was he there to support either DD during their divorces. No. I was. Every step, just like I was there without him for every step of their weddings, college, and graduation ceremonies. And my kids know this.

There is no need to try to put a positive spin on it. It is what it is. Let them see him for what he is and make their own decisions. In the early days I tried to make it positive by telling them to remember their father does love them, even if his definition of love is different from ours. That much is very true, even to this day. But I no longer say it as they just started to roll their eyes at me when I did say it.

He's a POS, but your kids need to come to that realization on their own. It sucks. It's hard. But you have no control over it. Continue being the best mom you can be.

Muggle posted 7/4/2020 20:32 PM

Two: As for finding him? Try any people search on google. If you have his name, phone #, and other pertinent details you should be able to run one of those and have a current address for him in about 5 minutes for $40-50.

His previous address is all that Google shows, and the address for the shop they rented for her business. All other addresses are for when he was with me, or where he lived previously.

She doesn't show up either, she uses P.O. Boxes and neither of them use home addresses for their businesses. They use UPS for an address for the business.

I'm extremely good at finding information, but they've gone to great lengths to not be found. They learned after I found their apartment address from her business license. They are incognito for a reason. I suspect due to the lawsuits, but it doesn't sit well that I have no address when he still owes me money for 2.5 more years.

If not for that he could disappear. It hit me hard when he moved, harder than it should have. It was another moment where I realized how disposable I was to him.

I worry about my kids. I don't make excuses for him or what he does. I just want them to be healthy, and this shit isn't making it easy for two of them. They have significant depression and their father is a big part of that issue. He's not present, not vested and not part of their lives. Hard to accept for a person to know one parent doesn't give two shits about them.

They say they feel invisible, as though they are ignored, not good enough for his attention. I cringe when I see them hurting.

He's such a waste of space, a complete dickhead that doesn't deserve their love. They will waste years trying to figure out where they place in his life, trying, and hoping for things they all know aren't going to happen. It's disappointment knowing that your parent doesn't care about you the same way you care about them.

This is something they have to face in life. It's a kick in the gut. How do they distance themselves from someone that is the other half of what made them? Hard to give up on your parent when your a young adult. He's toxic, but they have to decide how much hurt they want to endure before they turn away from him.

Chrysalis123 posted 7/5/2020 07:00 AM

How can I make them not feel like he walked out on them for her?

But he did walk out on them. Why would you want to gaslight them and rugsweep the truth?

It sucks that he did that to them. But his relationship with them is his business.

Your job is to be the best Muggle to the kids as you can. To model how a true loving, caring person behaves towards others.

BearlyBreathing posted 7/5/2020 14:27 PM

Muggle I am so angry for you. What a colossal coward and a$$hole.
And my dear Iíve had vertigo ( virus not crystals) and it was awful for a few weeks. I hope that clears up soon.

Donít protect your children from the truth.
Take care of you. Make sure your lawyer knows- maybe a PI will be helpful if needed.

Sending hugs.

Carissima posted 7/5/2020 15:55 PM

Hasn't he done this before? Didn't he disappear with her when they first got married and he left you with no money?
At least this time you're in contact with the wife, although, to be honest I wouldn't put my trust in her.

babbu posted 7/5/2020 19:29 PM

I'm curious as to why this idiot woman thinks he won't abandon her in the same way. She's not special.

Muggle posted 7/7/2020 13:39 PM

His wife stopped communicating with me several weeks ago. She said him asking me to reach out to her and "keep her in the loop" was manipulative. She didn't explain further, except to say she's done with the drama that he perpetuates. She mentioned that she has no issue with him being in contact with me, but does when he lies about it. She mentioned that he has asked to see all the emails that were between the two of us. She was adamant that any communications between us were going to remain private.

I asked her what she thought was manipulative, and asked why he now wants to see our emails. I confirmed that he did ask me to reach out to her, and I've not heard a peep from her since.

He on the other hand has offered to bring all our kids to Boston, along with our daughters boyfriend to visit this summer. That will cost a chunk of money for airfare, food, and whatever he plans to do when there. So far his approval rating for this trip is at about 25% among them.

I suspect he's lonely, and that it's not really about them but him. One of our kids brought up that he refuses to do anything for them while they are here, but will go out of his way for them when they are with him. He won't help them with their dental, phones but will offer to have them work for him instead. He offered one son to go work for prevailing wage at job sites that have to be cleaned after potential active Covid cases were there. We decided as a family that none of us were comfortable with that, and I told his dad that last night. He said it would be an opportunity for him to be able to get his dental work done, but he understood our concerns.

They always have to do something for him to get help. I offered some solutions that wouldn't cost him any money to fix their phones, but he still balked. I suspect it's more about helping them when they live with ME.

To answer Carissma, yes he did get married without anyone knowing and left me with minimal money while they lived it up until I hired an attorney. I ended our relationship when I found a photo of them together on my birthday. He flew to Vegas and married her 8 days after my birthday. They knew each other 14 days at that point. We were in reconciliation living separately after a previous affair he had at Christmas with a different woman. He was living about 2 hours from where we lived while we figured things out and moved to a different house our business was renting. This move happened after he married her, as the apartment he stayed in was in a undesirable area. The business rental house was in an affluent neighborhood, and very nice. I stayed in the home we owned with the kids.

I'm curious as to why this idiot woman thinks he won't abandon her in the same way. She's not special.

I'm not entirely sure what she knew when he married her. I now believe she thought I was far in the past, not a relationship that he had one foot in and one foot out of. She certainly wasn't expecting a lengthy legal battle, or the hostility his family and I felt. I think she was blindsided but it still wasn't enough for her to back away. She also ended up with legal issues. She had to move back to Boston to keep joint custody, and lived separate from my ex for the last two years. They commuted back and forth. Her ex husband took her to court to get custody. She has been married at least 5-6 times.

My gut tells me neither of them are actually happy, although I would bet money that neither of them would admit that they made a mistake. I can tell from her emails that he's a full time job for her, and she is experiencing many if not most of the same issues he had with me. She is managing him, like a handler, in control of him financially. He goes rogue and she can't control that part of him. They are both type A personalities, and she is now the CFO in his company, dictating all financial decisions.

She is shrewd, intelligent, calculating in financial matters, and not confrontational toward me. I strongly suspect that this isn't her first rodeo and she knows exactly what she's doing. I have my own suspicions as to how this will unfold over time. I don't anticipate anything happening until after his lawsuits and any financial dealings concerning awards come to a conclusion.

She is in it to win it in my opinion, but if nothing pans out they way he hopes she will be financially tied to him, all the debt, and all the misery.

I will just watch and wait from a distance to see if my predictions are on target or they're a mile off. I have no skin in the game with this. She will either be the love of his life, or she will be his worst nightmare, only time will tell. His life, his choices, and his future, not mine.

I would have to think that she does realize he's capable of doing EXACTLY the same thing to her that he did to me, and that will never leave her mind. You never fully trust a dog with a history of biting, and you always keep one eye on it. That is a tiring, and exhausting life to live. If you can't trust who you're with, that's HUGE.

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