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Finally leaving my wife on the 1st Sept

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Fireflyuk posted 7/5/2020 20:57 PM

Hi all
Iíve posted on this board last year Re my wife having an emotional affair for 6 months with the intent on meeting up for sex when I was away, needless to say photos were swapped and the discussions were Xrated.
Anyway I was about to leave her and she begged me to stay and we would resolve everything through counseling.
I decided a few months ago that I will leave her as I find I really donít love her anymore , yes due to the affairs and mostly because of her controlling nature and life with her hasnít been the greatest.
My 2 boys are grown up so I have no guilt about leaving them.
I have rented an Apartment , deposit and month of Aug paid upfront, I wonít move in until Sept when my youngest boy goes back to Uni for is final year.
But yes Iím definitely moving out.
Here is the burning question , what do I say to her on the day I go, how would you go about leaving?

Ps we do share a very successful business together

Thanks

Katz13 posted 7/5/2020 21:26 PM

I would let her know a few days in advance which day you will depart. If she still thinks there is a chance of reconciliation, I would tell her now that you have decided that the marriage isn't salvageable and the romantic relationship has run its course. If she is being an assault, just tell her being unfaithful was breaking the marriage vows and therefore you have every right to choose to leave the marital home. I hope you can still maintain the business relationship. I wouldn't drag it out, that's for certain!

fareast posted 7/5/2020 21:28 PM

Fireflyuk:

I donít think you have a problem with finding the right words. Looking at your past posts, last September 3rd you were ready to leave and you told her you were going. Since you are still with her, presumably the problem is following through on what you say you are going to do. I canít imagine your WW will be surprised you are leaving. You told her last year. And nothing has changed, correct? Just be honest and straight forward that her cheating is still a dealbreaker for you and you are moving on. And then follow through. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 9:30 PM, July 5th (Sunday)]

NEWPERSON posted 7/6/2020 05:29 AM

I am glad you have made a decision for yourself to stat a journey of healing and a new life.You are fortunate your kids are big and so they wont be as affected , mine are 12 and 9 so I felt guilty breaking the family because the 9 year old kept asking us if we were going to divorce and I would keep quiet and not respond but my WH would bodly say NO-off course he is the one who strayed so in his head I would forgive and forget.

I left 1st week of June and we do a 50/50 split with kids ,I think my biggest regret is that my kids at this age have to be moved around ,but I could not stay with a manipulative,cheating and unremorseful person -not even for my kids as I would be miserable and possibly be a horrible mom too.

I think tell her now that you do not think that you want to stay in the marriage due to her behavior and that you will start looking for a place(although you know its already there-she will play nice and try and be in her best behavior)-then a week or two before you move in your new place tell her you found a place and will be moving out in September.

All the best

josiep posted 7/6/2020 13:04 PM

Just another idea to consider: why not use the month of August to get moved and settled in while you have your son there to do it with you? He might leave for Uni feeling better about his parents situation if he knows you're all settled in a new place. I also don't think it's good when we act like everything's OK and then 2 months later spring it on them that it wasn't OK and we'd been planning this for awhile. That means the time you spent together was filled with lies of omission and it erodes trust.

But again, it's just another idea to consider. You know your situation and your family members best.

As for how you tell your WW or what words you use, it doesn't matter. The words are irrelevant because the end result will be the same regardless of how you say it.

"Hey, just a heads up to let you know I've decided to move on and will be moving into my bachelor apartment on Sept. 1. I'll be taking half the household furnishings so please make a list of what you don't want me to take and we'll use that as a starting point for dividing everything up."

But what if she wants to be the one who moves out? Would you prefer to stay in the family home? Or do you think she'll move after you leave?


[This message edited by josiep at 1:07 PM, July 6th (Monday)]

Fireflyuk posted 7/6/2020 20:11 PM

Iím afraid if I tell her to early she will manipulate me into staying, she has her ways.
Secondly Iíve just signed a years lease on this property
We are fortunate enough too own 2 homes and are relatively well off.
Me being in this rental home will give us both time and space too divide assets fairly , Iím hoping for a 50/50 split with myself taking on the business solely and buying her out of her half.

I just need the parting words and actions to say on the day I leave.

Cheers

josiep posted 7/7/2020 06:18 AM

I see.

Iím the type that plots and plans and thinks too much. But in the end, once itís over, the words and actions are irrelevant.

So you pick up your suit and computer bag like youíre leaving on a business trip, kiss her on the cheek and say something like how you fell in love with the girl of your dreams, you loved her to the moon and back and you miss her. Now youíre going to build a life going forward without her and living with the what might have been. Then say youíve rented an apt. And will email her the address later along with your attorneys contact information. Do it sort of sadly, let her feel guilty.

Then smile and say Cheers, tip your hat and exit with a flourish.

Keep it short and sweet. And last minute. You do it all however is easiest for you.

And if she begins to say stuff about how she feels, well, look her in the eye and repeat after me ďFrankly, mídear, I donít give a damn.Ē

[This message edited by josiep at 6:28 AM, July 7th (Tuesday)]

EvenKeel posted 7/7/2020 08:11 AM

I just need the parting words and actions to say on the day I leave.
It sounds like her A IS a dealbreaker. You gave it a try for the sake of reconciliation but ultimately she can not undo what she done and it broke the M for you.

Do not carry any guilt. You know you tried and it just can't be fixed.

So that is what I would tell her. Then close it down. When she tries to talk you into staying, have a blanket statement ready (IDK - "No - your A is a dealbreaker")

Does your boys know you have been having issues since last year? Is there a change your DS will not return to school on schedule due to Covid?


OwningItNow posted 7/7/2020 09:01 AM

Iím afraid if I tell her to early she will manipulate me into staying, she has her ways.

I am sensing that you mean guilt, and you want to know what to say so that you can ease your guilt. A lot of guilt (and lack of strong boundaries, follow through) is related to your inability to handle other people's unhappiness. If so, you need to work on this.

There are great websites to learn how to manage, but you will feel badly and you need to accept that. Don't run from it or assume it means you are doing the wrong thing. Do a search on Why do I feel guilty when I do what is best? Stuff like that. Stand tall. Do what is best for you and ignore your guilt, if that's what is getting to you. Taking care of you is nothing to feel guilty about, so remind yourself. You matter, too. The difficult feelings will pass.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 9:03 AM, July 7th (Tuesday)]

HalfTime2017 posted 7/7/2020 18:38 PM

Before you tell her make sure you have all the biz financials and family financials all sorted out and on record. You don't want any funny business once you tell her. She may start hiding assets and other things that are know of WWs. Its better to be prepared than sorry.

As for telling her, you have time. I would like her know a week before you leave. I'd let the kids know at the same time as well. No need to ruin everyones summer. Its already going to be a shitty Fall. At least let the kids and yourself enjoy the rest of summer.

Good luck

Fireflyuk posted 7/12/2020 11:07 AM


Thanks for advice all.

As you all know Iím leaving my wife on the 1st of Sept Once my 22 yr old goes back to Uni in the States.
I have a new Apt set up and paid for ,1yr lease and ready to move into as early as the first of Aug if I wish.
My wife today said to me after a argument with our son , where he accused her of always being angry and it is impossible to just talk to her (which is true) that nobody loves her and if she had a gun she would shoot herself.
I told her to not talk in this manner and maybe she should go see a therapist for help if sheís feeling this way.
Now Iím crapping myself about telling herim leaving as I wouldnít want that on my hands, although I really want to leave.
WTF should I do

homewrecked2011 posted 7/12/2020 13:03 PM

Honestly, if someone wants to kill themself they will, whether they family is around or not. (I know 3 people who did this, even though their families were great).

That said, you MUST get out, stay focused. You need a place your adult kids can go to to keep their minds together when they visit. You need a place to can be safe from manipulations. If she says no one likes her again, ask her if sheís gotten a therapist yet to help improve her situation.

Also, plz see a lawyer bf you move to make sure of your options with the business, plus someone will have to negotiate with her.

Donít give her a ďreasonĒ for leaving, bc she will twist it around, and try to fix that one issue so that you will feel you need to stay. I had to move out on a boyfriend one time while he was at work, bc he was so manipulating.

I would say if sheís home that day, have a friend there as a witness. Say nothing to her at all, or say, I Really need space to think. Get your stuff and leave the key (but have a copy made beforehand. )

VinST posted 7/14/2020 11:50 AM

First leave.
Send her a message when your gone! Don't give her your address.
This way she cannot manipulate you (seems like she's done that for a while and pretty good at it)

totallydumb posted 7/14/2020 12:03 PM

And when she threatens suicide, call 911 and let the experts deal with this issue, they have the training on how to deal with this. You probably don't.

Curious9 posted 7/14/2020 12:10 PM

Edited.

[This message edited by Curious9 at 5:54 PM, July 14th (Tuesday)]

nekonamida posted 7/14/2020 12:24 PM

FF, you proceed with the plan. When you are ready to inform her that you're leaving, you call up a close friend or family member of hers and inform them of the situation before you tell her. Make sure this person can be on stand by to check up on her and make sure that she is not in danger. If she calls or texts and threatens suicide after the break up, you call 911.

A lot of time when someone threatens suicide in response to an argument or because something isn't going their way, it's a hollow threat. It's used to manipulate the people involved as a way of control. Since your WW has a history of being over controlling, it's not surprised that she would threaten suicide when she feels like her control over you and your son is slipping. These types of threats rarely result in the suicide happening because the person threatening isn't actually depressed and wanting to take their life. They only want the people around them to get back in line. That's why the solution to this issue is to call 911 no matter what because if she really is suicidal, they can get her the help she needs and if she's fine and lying about being suicidal in order to control you, she will be humiliated enough to think twice about using that empty threat again.

In an ideal world, I think you should give her a very short amount of time to come to grips with the situation. Perhaps you inform her at the start of the weekend you move out. Perhaps you inform her the night before. You don't owe it to her to give her plenty of time to spend manipulating and threatening you. If you sincerely fear for your personal safety, then you should consider moving out when she is not around because your safety is worth more than her hurt feelings. If you think the worst that will happen is her throwing an adult sized tantrum, then maybe you should give her a little bit of notice and do it with a third party present who can mediate the situation and call 911 is she gets violent or suicidal.

Westway posted 7/14/2020 12:43 PM

I decided a few months ago that I will leave her as I find I really donít love her anymore , yes due to the affairs and mostly because of her controlling nature and life with her hasnít been the greatest.

She kind of did you a favor having the affair didn't she?

I have a friend who was in a miserable marriage for years, but never would pull the plug on it because of his religious beliefs. Five years ago, when he found out his wife had stepped out on him, he came over to my house and told me about it. He wasn't sad or mad, in fact he seemed almost relieved she had done it, because it provided him the religiously legal reason to divorce her. He could split with her without feeling guilty. He gave his wife an amicable divorce and she married her affair partner, and then died last year from breast cancer. Go figure.

Newlifeisgreat posted 7/17/2020 20:48 PM

Most important thing, get and VAR and keep it on you at ALL TIMES!!!

If she mentions suicide again, call emergency services right away and let them handle her. If she wasnít serious, she will never say it again. If she was considering it, they will give her the help she needs.

Since youíll have it in August, start moving your stuff over there slowly, so she wonít notice it. Then ultimately tell her that you believe you need some space. But again, make sure.the VAR is working

StillLivin posted 7/17/2020 21:07 PM

I personally wouldn't say a damned thing. Did she inform you in advance that she was going to screw somebody else? Yeah,didn't think so. You've already made it clear you weren't happy and she's refused to make changes. Seriously, she can't actually think you're going to take her behavior forever.
Move out and coordinate to have her served. If she makes suicidal ideation or threats, call the police and let them deal with her. She's not your problem anymore.
FYI, my ex was sending emails to Shrek telling her he was leaving me the day after he returned from overseas. He was telling me otherwise. I figured even if it was a fantasy he never intended to follow through with, I was done. He'd already carried on for 2 years with her. I decided to let him have his fantasy. He got home late. Bright and early the next morning, I had him served, had the locks changed by 2 in the afternoon, and after he was served, I grabbed a bunch of suitcases and started helping him pack his shit. Hindsight, I wish I had just left the house, packed my shit, left, and had him served when he got home. I'd much rather be in your shoes where I just packed and left.
BTW, he was stunned. Apparently he really didnt plan on leaving me longer than a few days to make me miss him and beg for him to come home. Hah. Never happened.

Fireflyuk posted 7/20/2020 16:04 PM

Iíve reall gone and screwed up

I just had sex with my wife it was purely physical
Now it will make it harder for Me to
Leave as she will bring up the fact that I screwed her
So there must be something still there.

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