"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Gottagetthrough posted 7/10/2020 10:03 AM

Wh has been fired. MOW is still working. I don’t think anyone knows about the EA but they were undoubtedly too close for married people.

The boss did a welfare check on my Wh. Cop came to the house and wanted to make sure he’s ok. (I have the ring so even though I was not there I could see). Wh said he knows that ow told the boss to do this because she was concerned about him.

If ow was concerned, she would not have gotten you fired. Wh has Bipolar 1 and is/was having a Hypomanic episode and was texting ow and later her husband a bunch of stuff about covid. Crazy amounts of stuff saying they weren’t taking precautions and they need to be careful...

Once the ego kibbles we’re gone for ow, she turned on wh. When he actually needed a friend, like they said they were, she went to HR and got him fired. Wh doesn’t understand what happened. “We were friends!” (Hes never admitted an EA).

A week before This happened he was texting her how much she meant to him and said while I have no desire for you other than as a friend, if we went back in time to 18 all bets are off. Speaking of bikini pics- do you have any more laying around ? For artistic value only”

She laughed and said lol yeah no

So she knew about the bikini pics he had of her

I’m at home now, Just got in from where I’m staying 2 days ago. I’m getting more stuff to move. We are sleeping in separate rooms. I’m leaving in a few days again.

Where do I go from here? How do I rebuild? I won’t be getting child support and have no health insurance now. This is scary, but thinking of the past 10 years most of my good memories are me and the kids, not Wh. He’s in some, but most are me and the kids.

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 10:07 AM, July 10th (Friday)]

Carissima posted 7/10/2020 11:14 AM

I wonder if the OBS finally had enough and stepped in.
All you can do is keep moving forward one step at a time. I'm not from the US but is there anything you can do to get you at least basic health cover for you and the children?
Is your WH fit enough to be job hunting or do you think he may need further care for this episode before going back into the workforce? Can he take the pressure of working just now? Not that this should stop you separating but it's obviously going to impact on your finances.
I'm sorry, it's a lot to have impacted you just when you were making progress.

Gottagetthrough posted 7/10/2020 11:45 AM

I wonder if OBS stepped in, too.

Wh is looking at different options for healthcare.

I’ve called the police to see how to get him removed from the home. My post nup actually gives him a lot more time than the cops do.

We talked to the marriage counselor yesterday. She said our main issue right now is getting Wh help for his bipolar since he’s at a really bad place. (Institutionalization has been discussed, I know how to do it but he’s right on the line of wether they’d go that far with him. The police told me they would take him out in cuffs and put in the cop car. That would be tough to see. )

And the one thing that gets me? Not the job loss or insurance loss or Wh being so sick I’m talking about getting him committed with the therapist and his psychiatrist.... no. It’s that damn text to ow where he says I don’t have an interest in you, but if we were 18 again all bets off and can i do you have any other bikini pics. And her response of Lol yeah no

I don’t care if he is bipolar. He had a second damn chance! I asked him for months to stop talking to her and rationalized so much... I was moving forward with separation at a snails pace because I didn’t want it... giving him man opportunities to stop texting her.

I left the marital home. He freaks out, texts her a ton, she isn’t getting ego kibbles and should actually have helped him (called me... said hey Gotta, your husband is freaking out, help him..)

Instead goes to hr gets him fired.

I know I’ll get 2x 4s for blaming the ow but damnit I’m mad at her too. She was not a friend of his. She was a broken bitch who needed his adoration.

When he should have been adoring me! I’m fucking fabulous! She’s a loser!

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 11:46 AM, July 10th (Friday)]

EllieKMAS posted 7/10/2020 12:00 PM

Gotta, you still seem determined to put blame on a lot of other things. THIS IS YOUR STBXWH'S DOING. All of this. His doing. Not you, not OW, not HR, not bipolar... HIM. His choices.

He's so full of shit I'm surprised it's not leaking out of his ears at this point. Stop doing MC (cus no 'our' main issue is not handling what wh should be handling on his own), stop validating anything he says at this point cus it is all lies and bullshit. Stop embroiling yourself in any of his drama/bikini pics/what OW says to him/how he 'feels'. Please for your own mental sake, detach detach detach. Only speak to him about absolute necessities for S&D because any other conversation is just keeping you sucked into the dumpster fire he has made of his life.

Where do you go? On to some place better and more peaceful and not filled with some shady ass cheater's bullshit.

How do you rebuild? One brick at a time. Only this time they are all your bricks and they are made of quality materials and not some defective clay and manure like your stbxwh's are.

Just take it one little baby step at a time. I know it's all scary, but every little step gets you closer to finally being free of it!

HellFire posted 7/10/2020 12:46 PM

Did she give him the bikini pic?

She enjoyed his ego kibble, but did she ever express a romantic interest in him?

Gottagetthrough posted 7/10/2020 13:23 PM

She didn’t give him anymore bikini pics.... he says she didn’t give him the two I found in February... that he got them off Facebook. But she knew he had them.

I thought my Wh was a dirty old man, and this woman had No idea he had screen shot her old bikini pics. But she knew and they talked about them

She did enjoy the ego kibbles. Neither expressed a romantic interest in the other aside from ogling bikini pics from 15 years ago when she was in her early 20s.

And Ellie you’re right. It’s Wh’s fault. All of it. I’m still mad at ow though. Can’t help it. She was his friend who they’d talk about their mental illnesses together- then when shit got real and Wh has a manic episode she didn’t come to me.... went to hr. So now Wh has no job and no insurance.

EllieKMAS posted 7/10/2020 13:29 PM

I’m still mad at ow though. Can’t help it.

PERFECTLY acceptable! Just don't let him off the hook for being a shitbag

So now Wh has no job and no insurance.

Yep, that's called a consequence wh. Start getting used to those.

You're gonna be okay GGT. You really will. And I promise when you are finally free of the vortex of bullshit and drama that is your stbxwh, you will feel soooooo much better.

HellFire posted 7/10/2020 13:29 PM

It sounds like he went off the deep end,and maybe she became scared of him. That his obsession with her had amped up. That's why she went to HR.

If I had posted a bikini pic,and one of my male friends said to me, what your husband said to her, I might laugh,and tell him no as well. Then I would block him.

nekonamida posted 7/10/2020 14:45 PM

I won’t be getting child support and have no health insurance now.

Did your lawyer tell you this or are you assuming it to be true because he has no income at the moment? Check with your lawyer because judges frequently do rule on a spouse's potential earnings so that a spouse can't just quit their job to maximize what they get in D.

She did enjoy the ego kibbles. Neither expressed a romantic interest in the other aside from ogling bikini pics from 15 years ago when she was in her early 20s.

I don't buy that at all. She may not have expressed a romantic interest in him that you know of but he straight up said he loved her. He tried to walk that back with "as a sister" and because he was drunk but he still did it. He threw away his marriage for her. He compared you negatively to her. He fantasized about what his life might look like with her long term. He may have told you reasons why it wouldn't work but he still had that fantasy in order to think about it long enough to come up with those reasons. He may have attempted to make it look less romantic/lustful than it was but he did a terrible job at it. OW sucks for being a user but he still made those hurtful choices all on his own. Can't say I feel sorry for him for being outed to HR and because of his creepiness and escalating behavior, I actually think she was in the right to do that. He had crossed over into harassment territory and his behavior became a liability for the company.

GGT, you're more angry at her because she's a safe target to direct your anger at and I think you might know that. It's partially because your WH is not in his right mind, correct? But truthfully, even if she was a friend, it wasn't her responsibility to help your WH manage his bipolar disorder. It's not your responsibility to help him manage it either. The mantra is, "It's not my fault that I have a mental illness but it is my responsibility to manage it." It's only his responsibility and at no point did he make the choice to manage it leading up to this mess. He had months of warnings. He knew he needed to see an IC. He knew you wanted MC and put that off too. Was he even on meds? Because you don't get to walk out of IC with a diagnosis of bipolar 1 and no treatment plan unless he chose to ignore the advice of whoever diagnosed him.

That said, of course you should keep exploring the option of having him committed because it affects your kids. But after that, wash your hands of it. After that, he will have the tools and resources to help himself. If he chooses to stop managing his BD again, that's on him. You're still free to make those calls to make sure he's not a danger to himself or others but outside of that, your responsibility to him is 0%. You have no control over whether he sticks to treatment or not as evident by the fact that he's completely spiraled while you were still with him trying desperately to get him help. You can only save yourself and be the stable, healthy parent that your kids need.

ibonnie posted 7/10/2020 15:27 PM

I won’t be getting child support and have no health insurance now.

Are you sure your children aren't eligible for child support? Aren't you in New York state? If I remember correctly, you've met with at least two separate lawyers, so obviously their advice is better for your exact situation, just wondering because in my experience meeting with lawyers and mediation, I was under the impression that my children were guaranteed child support (25% of WS's income for two kids, and I just looked it up, it's 29% for three kids), and while there's no guarantee for spousal support in NYS, if you're a new mom/still nursing and can show that the cost or childcare would be more than the cost of paying you spousal support so you can stay home with your baby (especially during a pandemic!!), you would have a really, really good argument to bring before a judge.

Gottagetthrough posted 7/10/2020 16:45 PM

Yeah, I’m pretty much pissed at the world . I know Wh is a shitbag. Huge shitbag. That’s why he attracts shitbag OWs.

I don’t know for sure I won’t be able to get child support, however I remember how tough it was to get it last time. He was in arrears all of the time and I never got all of The alimony he owed. I couldn’t count on c/s at all as income, it was so spotty. Then he’d pay me a big chunk to try to catch up ...

But where will he even get money for c/s? For insurance? He has nothing.

Carissima posted 7/10/2020 17:20 PM

If your WH started bombarded the OW with texts and the OBS as well he may have demanded she go to HR, in fact he may have gone to them himself with concerns about his wife's safety.
It's the advice he would have received if he was posting in JFO - to blow up the affair. Unfortunately you're left to deal with the fall out.
I agree with everyone else, you need to see a lawyer.
I also hate to ask but if your WH does need to be hospitalised will you need to pay for that or can you make sure your WH is the only one liable for any expenses?

Gottagetthrough posted 7/10/2020 18:17 PM

Yeah, if Wh is hospitalized he will be the sole payer. I won’t sign anything.

nekonamida posted 7/11/2020 17:37 PM

I don’t know for sure I won’t be able to get child support, however I remember how tough it was to get it last time. He was in arrears all of the time and I never got all of The alimony he owed. I couldn’t count on c/s at all as income, it was so spotty. Then he’d pay me a big chunk to try to catch up ...

Why wasn't it garnished from his pay check? Is it because he would pay chunks? This time around, let your lawyer know this and that you want to have it garnished the first paycheck possible. No need to play that game again.

Gottagetthrough posted 7/11/2020 18:27 PM

The legal system is not fair. I went though it last time , did everything right, and still got screwed. I have no hope for child support. None at all. Last time I filed for support in March. Saw the judge in July. Thought I’d get back support, right? Nope. He said I’d been living at my parents so didn’t need support. Wasn’t owed back support.

Um, Einstein Judge... how the hell was I supposed to stay in the town my husband deserted me in, with no flipping money?!

I’ve never seen a good child support or divorce judge. I’ll never get any financial support for my children.