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Newest Member: Sunflower96

Divorce/Separation :
A good day - thanks friends - we can make it :)

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 betrayedafter20 (original poster member #72875) posted at 3:51 AM on Sunday, July 12th, 2020

Hi friends hope you are all doing okay.

Newbies, I hope you read this. I'm a few months out- and I'm breathing again. I've taken some good advice from my new friends here in between acknowledging my own process. I'm gonna be okay - and YOU are gonna be okay.

I also took more advice from my hairstylist, who's had many, many people in her chair in my situation. (Ironically - last AP of WH is a hairstylist..)

Maybe it was timing but she kind of did a "snap out of it" - said WS needs to really understand the consequences of how much he needs to step up if he wants to have a successful relationship with my two DS's and how awful of a mess he's really made now that we have separated.

She too, was annoyed with me that I had bought him a "housewarming gift". lol. She said "quit trying to make this the perfect separation followed by a perfect divorce being all friendly for the sake of the kids". Also she suggested he needs to see and feel the consequences of the bullshit he is putting us through. She also suggested I need to put into place sooner than later the visitation arrangements because he's been calling the shots when it's convenient for him.

He's not coming and going as he pleases anymore. I have set the tone and now it is required he at minimum text me wnen he plans to stop and get materials for work in our garage.

I bought a laptop for the business, he can't come over to use my PC anymore at night for billing.

I gave him the opportunity to think about how we would arrange for visitation - but a week went by without any suggestions. So I just told him how it will be. Thursday nights, and every other Saturday overnight for 24 hours. he was caught off guard. Didn't think I would push an overnight (again hairstylist suggestion - will force me to do something for myself - with special needs son completely his deal for a weekend). She reminded me. He's been taking care of himself just fine on the side for almost 6 years so it's my turn and if he balks to remind him of that.

WH said he wasn't equipped for them sleeping over yet - one bedroom apartment and no sofabed.

I sent him a link for two air mattresses on Amazon.

three days before tonights dropoff he hadn't ordered the mattresses and said he didn't think there would be enough room for the two twin mattresses in his small place and maybe we should hold off until figured out.

I texted him "not my problem. I did you a favor sending you the link and the idea.. boys are coming for overnight Saturday. move your bed into the corner to make them fit".

LOL he ordered them right away.

I had a challenging day in another way - emergency laser surgery for potentially detached retina - But whatever - Asked the kids how they felt about staying at Dad's new place for the first time. Said they were fine. Told them you guys will figure it all out and I'll see you tomorrow night and dropped them off - brought in only sheets for their new airbeds.

I was friendly enough - but WH started asking for ideas how to arrange stuff to maximize space - told him "sorry, you will have to learn how to do this stuff without me now".

told the kids I loved them, have fun and see you tomorrow night.

WH was def out of sorts.

So empowering. But no even in a revenge way. In an "I'm gonna be okay" way.

On my way home I stopped at HomeGoods and found

a new area rug for my dining room I've been wanting to replace for my dining room for two years. Then I picked up Sushi and brought it home. I've been happy as a clam all by myself for a few hours Talking to myself, my cat, and planning the first weekend away with my kids without WH next weekend. He's been a bit wounded about that, I think too - because I mentioned it last week and he said "well I wanted to do something too". I think he half expected we would all do one last family vaca together. Sorry Charlie, you're not invited.

I wanted to touch base here because most of our posts are when we are in pain and I wanted to share a time when things felt good, because they will happen. I am certain I will have another bad time as soon as tomorrow - who can predict - but I can confirm it is much better overall now than it was three months ago - for the sake of our newly hurting friends.

On my way to Netflix with the entire house to myself.

Keep the faith my bros and sis's. Stay on this board and post your highs and lows. These are the people that get it.

Grateful for my friends here now in this moment and the next when I am wailing in despair.

Me: BW, 52, BC survivor x2
Married 20 yrs, together 25
14 yo boy Autism spectrum
16 yo typical functioning
DD#1 2/6/13 PA, False R 4+ yrs
DD#2 2/20/20 EA(mutual friend) learned of another PA same day - serial
DD#3 2 weeks later W/PA AP
Separated 5/

posts: 293   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2020   ·   location: IL
id 8560522
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WarriorPrincess ( member #51806) posted at 4:26 AM on Sunday, July 12th, 2020

Thank you for this. I needed to read this tonight.

Some boys take a beautiful girl
And hide her away from the rest o' the world
I wanna be the one to walk in the sun
Oh girls, they wanna have fun....
(Cyndi Lauper)

posts: 925   ·   registered: Feb. 14th, 2016   ·   location: Indiana Dunes
id 8560530
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 4:54 AM on Sunday, July 12th, 2020

Look at you go with your badass self! Well fucking done *high fives

So happy that you had a good empowering set of interactions with wh and that you get to have a lovely evening to yourself!

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3921   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: Louisiana
id 8560533
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OwningItNow ( member #52288) posted at 6:28 AM on Sunday, July 12th, 2020

Wow!!!! What a fantastic post!!! This made my whole night. So super proud to see an SIer really taking her power back and enjoying a little bit of her individuality again!!!! A great example for everyone, especially when you did not let any of his "But I ... " get in the way!!! Love it!

Congratulations!!!

And enjoy your me time.

me: BS/WS h: WS/BS

Reject the rejector. Do not reject yourself.

posts: 5911   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 8560544
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 7:13 AM on Sunday, July 12th, 2020

Damn! Hope you adjusted your tiara and flipped him the bird on your way out! Great exercise of your power. Go girl!!

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6483   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8560555
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josiep ( member #58593) posted at 8:58 PM on Sunday, July 12th, 2020

I am so glad to read this update from you.

You mentioned feeling bad again at some point. And you will. We all do, even years later. But now that you've had this good feeling, the next bad feeling won't last as long because your brain and heart both know the good feelings are out there and waiting for you again.

And, over time, the good feelings become more and more and the bad feelings just sort of fade away into remission. They try to come back every now and then but by then, you've got the tools to whap them upside the head again.

I hope that made sense. I have super good ideas in my head but can't always find the right words or know how to put the words in the right order to really explain it.

Keep us posted on how the boys enjoyed it.

BW, was 67; now 74; M 45 yrs., T 49 yrs.DDay#1, 1982; DDay#2, May, 2017. D July, 2017

posts: 3246   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2017
id 8560727
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 9:03 PM on Sunday, July 12th, 2020

Free advice from the hair dresser. Spot on!!!

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 12 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 14761   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8560729
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 8:02 PM on Monday, July 13th, 2020

Handling this like a queen. Well done. This gave me the feel goods.

fBS/fWS(me):52 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:55 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(22) DS(19)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Separated 9/2019; Divorced 8/2024

posts: 9075   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8561143
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