betrayedafter20 posted 7/11/2020 21:51 PM

Hi friends hope you are all doing okay.

Newbies, I hope you read this. I'm a few months out- and I'm breathing again. I've taken some good advice from my new friends here in between acknowledging my own process. I'm gonna be okay - and YOU are gonna be okay.

I also took more advice from my hairstylist, who's had many, many people in her chair in my situation. (Ironically - last AP of WH is a hairstylist..)

Maybe it was timing but she kind of did a "snap out of it" - said WS needs to really understand the consequences of how much he needs to step up if he wants to have a successful relationship with my two DS's and how awful of a mess he's really made now that we have separated.

She too, was annoyed with me that I had bought him a "housewarming gift". lol. She said "quit trying to make this the perfect separation followed by a perfect divorce being all friendly for the sake of the kids". Also she suggested he needs to see and feel the consequences of the bullshit he is putting us through. She also suggested I need to put into place sooner than later the visitation arrangements because he's been calling the shots when it's convenient for him.

He's not coming and going as he pleases anymore. I have set the tone and now it is required he at minimum text me wnen he plans to stop and get materials for work in our garage.

I bought a laptop for the business, he can't come over to use my PC anymore at night for billing.

I gave him the opportunity to think about how we would arrange for visitation - but a week went by without any suggestions. So I just told him how it will be. Thursday nights, and every other Saturday overnight for 24 hours. he was caught off guard. Didn't think I would push an overnight (again hairstylist suggestion - will force me to do something for myself - with special needs son completely his deal for a weekend). She reminded me. He's been taking care of himself just fine on the side for almost 6 years so it's my turn and if he balks to remind him of that.

WH said he wasn't equipped for them sleeping over yet - one bedroom apartment and no sofabed.

I sent him a link for two air mattresses on Amazon.

three days before tonights dropoff he hadn't ordered the mattresses and said he didn't think there would be enough room for the two twin mattresses in his small place and maybe we should hold off until figured out.

I texted him "not my problem. I did you a favor sending you the link and the idea.. boys are coming for overnight Saturday. move your bed into the corner to make them fit".

LOL he ordered them right away.

I had a challenging day in another way - emergency laser surgery for potentially detached retina - But whatever - Asked the kids how they felt about staying at Dad's new place for the first time. Said they were fine. Told them you guys will figure it all out and I'll see you tomorrow night and dropped them off - brought in only sheets for their new airbeds.

I was friendly enough - but WH started asking for ideas how to arrange stuff to maximize space - told him "sorry, you will have to learn how to do this stuff without me now".

told the kids I loved them, have fun and see you tomorrow night.

WH was def out of sorts.
So empowering. But no even in a revenge way. In an "I'm gonna be okay" way.

On my way home I stopped at HomeGoods and found
a new area rug for my dining room I've been wanting to replace for my dining room for two years. Then I picked up Sushi and brought it home. I've been happy as a clam all by myself for a few hours Talking to myself, my cat, and planning the first weekend away with my kids without WH next weekend. He's been a bit wounded about that, I think too - because I mentioned it last week and he said "well I wanted to do something too". I think he half expected we would all do one last family vaca together. Sorry Charlie, you're not invited.

I wanted to touch base here because most of our posts are when we are in pain and I wanted to share a time when things felt good, because they will happen. I am certain I will have another bad time as soon as tomorrow - who can predict - but I can confirm it is much better overall now than it was three months ago - for the sake of our newly hurting friends.

On my way to Netflix with the entire house to myself.

Keep the faith my bros and sis's. Stay on this board and post your highs and lows. These are the people that get it.

Grateful for my friends here now in this moment and the next when I am wailing in despair.

WarriorPrincess posted 7/11/2020 22:26 PM

Thank you for this. I needed to read this tonight.

EllieKMAS posted 7/11/2020 22:54 PM

Look at you go with your badass self! Well fucking done *high fives

So happy that you had a good empowering set of interactions with wh and that you get to have a lovely evening to yourself!

OwningItNow posted 7/12/2020 00:28 AM

Wow!!!! What a fantastic post!!! This made my whole night. So super proud to see an SIer really taking her power back and enjoying a little bit of her individuality again!!!! A great example for everyone, especially when you did not let any of his "But I ... " get in the way!!! Love it!

Congratulations!!!
And enjoy your me time.

BearlyBreathing posted 7/12/2020 01:13 AM

Damn! Hope you adjusted your tiara and flipped him the bird on your way out! Great exercise of your power. Go girl!!

josiep posted 7/12/2020 14:58 PM

I am so glad to read this update from you.

You mentioned feeling bad again at some point. And you will. We all do, even years later. But now that you've had this good feeling, the next bad feeling won't last as long because your brain and heart both know the good feelings are out there and waiting for you again.

And, over time, the good feelings become more and more and the bad feelings just sort of fade away into remission. They try to come back every now and then but by then, you've got the tools to whap them upside the head again.

I hope that made sense. I have super good ideas in my head but can't always find the right words or know how to put the words in the right order to really explain it.

Keep us posted on how the boys enjoyed it.

The1stWife posted 7/12/2020 15:03 PM

Free advice from the hair dresser. Spot on!!!

crazyblindsided posted 7/13/2020 14:02 PM

Handling this like a queen. Well done. This gave me the feel goods.