Mystxx posted 7/12/2020 13:37 PM

Hi, been lurking for months and never had the courage to post, but today I just need some help to wake me up or tell me I'm a fucking lunatic and need to stop.

So, on 23rd September 2019 I got a call from the CID - criminal investigation department -  (UK based here) to ask me about my history with an "ex" as there has been a serious allegation made against him. This confused me because as far as I knew it, I didn't have an ex, I had a current partner. I didn't press on that matter at the time but I asked what the allegation was, and was told he is being investigated for a rape allegation made against him. I didn't really think much of it in the there and then, and I don't remember feeling a strong surge of emotions, just that it must be a mistake. 
When I got off the phone, he came into the kitchen where I was and I asked him "what have you done?" I don't recall if he knew what I was asking of him right away, or if I had to tell him or not who I just spoke with, but I do recall hearing "obviously I have cheated on you". He told me he had a ONS. I don't think I asked who it was right away. I just wanted to leave. He denied the rape and for some reason I tended to believe that. I still do. For the days and weeks that followed I did spend a lot of time researching information online about his situation, though the investigation was dropped a couple months later due to "insufficient evidence". 

I am really hazy about the specifics now, DD and the days that followed are an absolute blur of misery and tears. I think it was on DD it occurred to me who it would be. It for some reason popped into my head and I outright asked if it was her. He confirmed it was. She was a colleague. She, who had tried to kill herself countless times and who he had visited in hospital on one of her "attempts". He got down with that. I would go to his/her workplace often after my shift and she'd serve me at the till, and now I wonder if she really knew who I was all this time. And was she smiling at me not out of niceness, but smirking at me because she'd stolen my partner from me? He thinks she has no idea who I am. But she knows my name. She knows where I worked. And I wore a name badge each time I'd visit her place of work.  

It was exactly a month later I'd discover the ONS was actually an extended period of chit chat of at least 8 months over Facebook and meet ups at hers and other places. And she'd been in my home. Oh and how did I find out? Because something didn't sit right with me. I switched his laptop on when he was at work one night and went on the hunt. And DD 2 arrived.  I can't even express the sickness that rose in me when I proved myself right. I didn't know what the hell to even do with my body as I witnessed their chats. Some of it was too intimate to bear.  

Days later I decided to take the plunge and face the conversations in full again and logged into his FB account on my own laptop. I felt I could handle it there and then, all that they discussed, the image flashing up of her naked, the fact she knew all of his sexual preferences and that she'd bought him a present for his birthday. That he said she had friendly hair. And had said ILY. I felt so brave and in charge knowing. But it broke my heart and sent me into hysterics for weeks on end. I didn't eat or sleep much naturally, I've had so many drunken, teary and violent outbursts and I'm ashamed about my lack of composure at times.  

And since then, I've just spiralled. He has apologised countless times. He has wept and begged me to stop with the barrage of texts and calls every night he went to work with his rape accuser. I have become manipulative and threatened suicide. I have threatened to trash his car, which is in his name but I solely paid for. I have screamed at the top of my lungs drunk and hurt so many nights which he just fled from. There have been violent incidents. I have lunged at him with my fists and he has retaliated. We decided he should get his own place because of this, as the last incident ended up with him in a cell for a few hours of the night. I swung first. He was not the perpetrator. He laughed so hard in my face though after he shoved me that I rang the Police. I was in so much physical pain after this for a week or two, but he has said he will never forget that I did that to him, and likens me to his rape accuser.
 
I still loved him though. No matter how toxic and out of hand it was all becoming. I pleaded with him to give up the flat because I didn't really want us to separate. If we were to get through it, we had to be together. He agreed to my terms of coming back to me but didn't end the lease on his flat. I still felt unsatisfied and I kept digging. I found out there was another act of betrayal committed against me in August 2017. He worked with her too. They slept with each other, without protection. I still to this day do not know the full story. I felt like after this release of information I initially felt "OK, this is what he is.. time to move on"... But I haven't. I unearthed this new information in April 2020 and he STILL covered up the entirety of what happened. I relentlessly tried to sign into his FB/snapchat/email etc since in an attempt to piece it all together. He has viewed all this unauthorised access of his accounts as an attempt to "hack" into his privacy, and threatened me with action if I continue.

I have become so needy and pathetic. I have not stopped in my angry tirade against him. He eventually called the Police on me because I threatened to contact his rape accuser for answers and to smash the car up. I got drunk and mental, as I have so often, but this night, he contacted the Police and put me on speakerphone to them while I was having an episode. They threatened me with a criminal record if I contacted him again. 
I made a poor attempt at suicide/attention in front of him since. He just drove away.
He returned some of my things today, I crumbled. He told me to fuck off after I pleaded to speak with him.
Please tell me I deserve better, or I'm unhinged and need some help.

Lost2760 posted 7/12/2020 14:03 PM

First and foremost. I’m so sorry you are here and I’m so much pain. YOU DESERVE BETTER. Now I’m going to say some things that might be hard to hear but bear with me because I feel as though it might hurt they need to be said...

1. You are allowed to fee what you feel. You have every right to feel betrayed, in pain, angry, deviated. However. I need you to ask yourself is he WORTH feeling like this and more so that it got so out of hand. As much as your are feeling you are only going to make your situation worse with violent threats and laying hands on another person or harming yourself. I desperately implore you to go to IC. You need to talk to someone and get the help you need. Its not worth going to jail, or being abused or abusing someone else. The situation is hard enough without it getting to that point.

2. I know you love him. I love my WS too. But you have to pull yourself to look at the big picture. Look at all the things he’s done. And the way you feel. And how your life is with him in it right now. Are you happy with it? Of course not. I would advise you as hard as it is to seek counseling. And FOCUS ON YOU. Find out what makes you happy. Find out what you really want from life. Give yourself love and attention and show yourself kindness. You are so much better than all this.

3. Accept the things you can’t change. You can’t control him. You can’t change the past. The only thing you can do is accept that things are the way they are. Accept that you deserve better. Accept the fact that you can create the life you want. Accept the fact that it may be time for you to let go.

Now when I say these things I realize and relate to the pain you feel. I know it seems impossible. But the situation is unacceptable. The only thing you can change is yourself and your actions to have better and find peace and build the life you want. You deserve so much better and I know it’s a long road. Go to IC. Find yourself again.

From what it sounds like he is NOT WORTH IT. Be strong and realize your worth honey.

aussiemel posted 7/12/2020 21:25 PM

Hi Mystxx,

100% you deserve better than this lying, cheating SOB.

Just for a minute, step out of your shoes and imagine that a friend was telling you that all this had happened to her and she needed your advice. What would you tell her??

It's easy to give advice and much harder to follow your own, trust me I know. But your whole situation is extremely abusive and that isn't a good environment for anyone.

Counselling would be a good idea, or even a support group in your area for people in abusive realationships. Google them, there will be something nearby.

In the meantime, keep posting here. Sending you hugs :)

The1stWife posted 7/13/2020 00:56 AM

Serial cheater.

nekonamida posted 7/13/2020 07:05 AM

Did you ever figure out who his rape accuser is? And why don't you believe her? People don't just go to the police and get poked and prodded for evidence for fun. Cases like this get dropped all the time when it's the first offense due to lack of evidence because it's easy to prove that sex happened. It's hard to prove lack of consent. Lack of evidence means very little about it being true or not. He certainly doesn't come off as someone who would never do that and he didn't have your consent when he slept with multiple women outside of the relationship either.

Get away from this toxic man. You're risking your freedom by getting violent with him. You're destroying your mental health by staying with him. It doesn't matter how much you love him. Love is not enough and it's not worth ruining your life over.

LadyG posted 7/13/2020 07:40 AM

All I am going to say, is you did a lot of things I thought about doing to my narcissistic lying serial cheater STBXWH.

What you have had to deal with is shocking. You were in shock. Rape allegations!? No wonder you were unhinged. This betrayal was taken to a level that was off the charts.

I hope you got the anger out and can now start focusing on recovering from this pain and start healing yourself.

You absolutely deserve better. 🙏🏼

sisoon posted 7/13/2020 11:26 AM

You need outside help, as soon as possible.

Domestic violence is not normal or healthy. It comes from does great damage emotionally, and it increases emotional damage You need to stop giving in to the urge to hurt your WSO. You need to stay away from your abusive WSO.

Manipulating with a suicide threat is not normal. It's extremely unhealthy. It's one step too many toward actually committing doing it, and you really do have a lot to live for.

You say the relationship is toxic and you love him. How can that be? You commit violence against each other? How is that love? He cheats. How is that love? The love you feel is for an illusion. He may exist as a potential inside this guy, but the potential is far from becoming reality. Instead, that 'love' you write about sounds suspiciously like the inability of victims of abuse to leave their abusers.

I urge you to find a good IC ASAP.