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Saw my WW for first time in 6 months

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Whoami17 posted 7/14/2020 03:41 AM

Hey guys. It's been a while since I posted here. I hope everyone is doing well.

This weekend past I met my wife briefly for 10/15 minutes as I had a couple of items of sentimental value to collect from her family home that I had there from early on in our relationship that I couldn't collect due to lockdown.

I have to say I am surprised by how the encounter has affected me. I always assumed that if I were to see her again and be able to ascertain from her that I'm the one now coping better that I would feel better, however instead I feel quite sad and I have pity for her, even though most would say she doesn't deserve it after what she did.

I am almost certain there was a part of her that would of wanted to ask me if I want to give it a go again, but she could see I'm doing a lot better now than I was in the beginning and she kept asking me if I am certain that I am, but I wasn't changing my answer, because the truth is I have gotten a lot better over time and I am generally happier again.

After I got over the initial very down state I used the affair as motivation to improve myself. I'm now more awar eof who I am, I am physically and mentally in better condition and I have new options going forward in my career. It saddens me to say that she is evidently not doing as well and is struggling.

Has anyone else had a similar experience to this and can advise me on how to move beyond this as I feel I am thinking about her more now and feeling like reaching out even though I had gone almost 3 months No Contact before the encounter.

A brief recap of how we split:
-EA/Texts with the OM for a couple weeks to my knowledge
-Cheated on me with him at our apartment during lunch whilst I was at work
-I found out a few days later and told her to leave.
-For about 6 weeks I went back and forth toying with the idea of reconciling but she was totally against it, but with time I've moved past that
-Now convinced she would like to reconcile but is probably too proud to ask

Thanks in advance for any help guys!

NEWPERSON posted 7/14/2020 04:10 AM

Its understandable that you would feel horrible to see your ex in a horrible state , you are human too and its shows you are a decent human being at that.

I do think though you should not reach out, the reason is you did not mess up she did -also she was against reconciliation .If you reach out it means you are saying to her regardless of all the pain she caused you are still willing to be messed with.

If she has too much pride then than tells you there is no growth from her side and you definitely need to keep moving as you don't want to create a situation where she thinks you are still at her mercy.

If she reaches out-be the decent human being that you are, kind and don't be cruel and take it from there but do not sell yourself short!!!!

Whoami17 posted 7/14/2020 04:26 AM

Thanks for the response NEWPERSON.

I agree with what you are saying. I feel as though at long last I am now in control of the situation.

For a very long time I was pretty much at her mercy as it was me who was considering reconciling and I had told her that previously, but this time I feel I am past that and I made her aware of that.

It felt as though she was hoping I would bring it up and didn't want to be the one to do it herself. As you say, she was perhaps hoping to have me at her mercy again.

She actually said herself I've been too nice and she doesn't deserve it, but that's just who I am.

squid posted 7/14/2020 04:47 AM

Now convinced she would like to reconcile but is probably too proud to ask

Trying to R with someone that is too proud to do any work is a bad idea.

I know that you aren't really considering it. I'm just reinforcing that she wouldn't be a good candidate if she felt she didn't have to do any kind of work. If your assumption of her is correct, that is. If R were a possibility, she's have to start from a place of humility, fully open and vulnerable.

Keep doing you.

Whoami17 posted 7/14/2020 05:36 AM

Thanks Squid for the response.

Proud of myself to have come so far to the point where I'm no longer seeking R.

My family, friends and counsellor are all very proud also of how far I've come.

I was just shocked that seeing her again didn't have the impact I expected. I though it would reinforce the positivity in me, but it actually led me to feel sorry for her.

Bigger posted 7/14/2020 06:57 AM

You can tell a lot about a person by what they are proud of.

Vast difference on what her pride and your pride are based on.

Tigersrule77 posted 7/14/2020 09:20 AM

I totally agree with squid. If she can't even take that little step to apologize and ask if there was any chance of starting a new relationship, she is clearly not worth it. For any reason.

You need to remember that you are better off without her and focus on finding someone new.

In response to your question, my XWW lives in the same neighborhood (it's good for the kids). She is in a relationship, and my kids tell me that her and her new BF argue a lot. All indications are that she is not very happy, but it's not my problem. I have no interest in ever having any kind of relationship (even friendship). I don't wish her any problems, but I don't spend time thinking about her. I only want her to have a good relationship with my kids, because I know they love their mom.

Whoami17 posted 7/14/2020 10:08 AM

Thanks Bigger and Tigersrule77 for your responses.

Maybe I'm jumping the gun on my assumption that she's too proud to ask me if I want to give it another go (which I don't anymore), but it's based on knowing how she acts and knowing her personality etc so I think I'm probably correct.

I'm going to get back to just focusing on me again and try not to worry about how she's getting on. If you can get on with life in your scenario then I should have very little problem as we had no kids so we're unlikely to be in each others presence very often moving forward.

HalfTime2017 posted 7/14/2020 19:11 PM

Keep moving forward brother. You are young. At 25, you have so much more life ahead of you. I'd not jump back into another relationship of any seriousness if I were you.

Rachel up your career like you have, travel, have fun. Meet tons of chicks and let the WW waste away. She was not worrying about you I promise while she was cheating on you at your apartment. You have a whole life ahead of you. Let that past history die as it should. Keep working on you. She lost a good one, and you my friend, lost an anchor. Be happy about that.

Justsomeguy posted 7/14/2020 20:06 PM

You are soooooo lucky. What I would give to not see my EX for 6 months... makes me giddy just thinking about it.🤣🤣🤣🤣

By the time we areD, I will have been married 29-30 years, though I don't count the last bit. During her A, my STBXWW was literally aging before my eyes. It was like that scene from Indiana Jones, only less so. The A stress was palpable and it took a toll on her.

I'm sure that any of us who have been in very long term relationships can read our partners in an instant, even non-verbally or non-visually. When I do see her, she looks unhappy. Her wonderful life did not turn out as planned. Does she have regrets? Yes, but way too proud to admit that. Do I care? Fuck no! Would I get any satisfaction from her coming back, hat in hand? Yup. Then I would send her away. Been there, done that, not fun the first time. I've been thrown under the bus too many times to give a shit about her.

Listen, you have moved on, grown, become stronger, and certainly outgrown her. Sadly, that makes you attractive to her...finally. itsc5hat superficial thinking that rules her life. You will find someone who is worthy of you. Dont settle.

homewrecked2011 posted 7/14/2020 21:00 PM

Back to NC. Because NC equals no new hurts, and spending energy on her, in your thoughts, is hurtful to you. Itís taking your focus off your own healing.

unspecified posted 7/14/2020 21:14 PM

After I got over the initial very down state I used the affair as motivation to improve myself. I'm now more aware of who I am, I am physically and mentally in better condition and I have new options going forward in my career.

You did all that in 7 months? Well done. :)

If she reaches out-be the decent human being that you are, kind and don't be cruel and take it from there but do not sell yourself short!!!!

This. Stay NC unless she reaches out. Then keep the boundaries strong.

Your sense of empathy is a positive trait here. It is probably part of the reason you were not the cheater here. But it also means you might get to carry the sadness for yourself, the relationship *and* your partner as she realizes what she's thrown away. I hear you, the latter can *sting,* even while you acknowledge that leaving was the best choice you've ever made for yourself.

[This message edited by unspecified at 9:17 PM, July 14th (Tuesday)]

Jorge posted 7/14/2020 21:24 PM

If you're convinced she'd like to reconcile, but can't muster the courage to do it, then it's further evidence she's not a candidate for reconciliation.

Being married requires growth and relinquishing one's ego and pride in many instances. So, her reluctance to intimately express her feelings about you means seals the deal with respect to her candidacy IMO.

Buffer posted 7/15/2020 04:27 AM

Sorry brother but she is broken. Not wanting to talk about it or just wanting to move forward; she has rug swept the A and will make the same mistakes in her next relationship.
Sound like this was her exit A.
You are doing good strength to you and Respect ✊ yourself.
One day at a time
Buffer

Whoami17 posted 7/15/2020 06:00 AM

Thank you all for your responses since my last post. It's responses like these that help to keep me pointed in the right direction and ensure I don't take any significant backward steps in my healing process.

I'd not jump back into another relationship of any seriousness if I were you.

HalfTime2017, yeah I agree. I'm not currently seeking anything just yet. Don't want to carry any baggage into something new or have some unlucky girl end up being my rebound. When the times right, and when I least expect it I guess something will form. For now I'm curbing the sporadic loneliness with time spent with my family and friends when I can.

Meet tons of chicks and let the WW waste away

Unfortunately my confidence has taken a knock from what happened, but I'm working on getting back to a more confident version of me to allow this to be a possibility again.

You will find someone who is worthy of you. Dont settle.

Thank you very much Justsomeguy for your helpful words, and I will keep those in mind. I too would like to think if she ever asked for R I would be able to say no.

Back to NC. Because NC equals no new hurts, and spending energy on her, in your thoughts, is hurtful to you. Itís taking your focus off your own healing.

That's my plan. I've realised it has affected my healing even after just one short meeting.

But it also means you might get to carry the sadness for yourself, the relationship *and* your partner as she realizes what she's thrown away. I hear you, the latter can *sting,* even while you acknowledge that leaving was the best choice you've ever made for yourself.

Ironically I was led to believe over the course of our relationship that I lacked empathy, but I've come to realise this was very far from the truth. What you've said is spot on! I feel myself grieving for the relationship and for her well being now maybe more than my own. It was just very difficult to see her like that and I can imagine how down she must be feeling and regretful of what she did but I know I shouldn't burden myself with this and allow that to be on her.

If you're convinced she'd like to reconcile, but can't muster the courage to do it, then it's further evidence she's not a candidate for reconciliation.

I totally agree with you. I don't think she's put anywhere near as much work in to herself as what I have and it's evident.

Sound like this was her exit A.

This is exactly what I think it was. I do believe now seeing me again she regrets it more than before and is probably more attracted to me again now, but it's her loss.

Vacheron posted 7/15/2020 14:04 PM

This is a nice discussion and an uplifting one. Great to hear that you are mending and moving on with your life. If I may add, this was not your idea, this was not your doing, and it is a tragedy that smacked you but you did well in overcoming it and you have to protect yourself from becoming a victim again. Once a WW does it, there is always a chance of it happening again, unless there is a higher power that truly transforms her from within. But that does not seem to be the case.

Whoami17 posted 7/16/2020 09:25 AM

Thank you for the response Vacheron. It saddens me to see the lack of growth on her end, not even to of had a chance of us again, but just for herself. Maybe seeing me will give her the motivation that she needs.

I know in my heart it's for the best that I'm now embarking on my own journey and I hope to have grown even more before I end up in any future relationships with anyone else.

Whoami17 posted 7/16/2020 09:26 AM

I should have wrote before but I'm also excited to be starting Masters degree in a few months so will help me further my career and meet new people

bluewater posted 7/16/2020 09:55 AM

I should have wrote before but I'm also excited to be starting Masters degree in a few months so will help me further my career and meet new people

Greta!!! You go guy!!!

Live your life to the fullest!!!

fooled13years posted 7/16/2020 11:04 AM

Whoami17, you said it yourself;

because the truth is I have gotten a lot better over time and I am generally happier again.

I believe this is in no small part due to your no contact with her.
Has anyone else had a similar experience to this and can advise me on how to move beyond this

I was doing great too and then returned our wedding album and other items to her. I felt bad seeing her cry and my Knight In Shinning Armor complex almost came out again.
I feel I am thinking about her more now and feeling like reaching out even though I had gone almost 3 months No Contact before the encounter.

As mine did, your no contact clock reset to zero after meeting with her. Staying no contact will bring you back to being generally happier very soon.

As the D is not final you may find that you will have other encounters with her. Prepare yourself.

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