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Advice on boundaries

Decadewasted posted 7/17/2020 01:54 AM

My WS and I are dealing with in home separation. I need help with boundaries. I have a few like dont make physical contact or gestures. Dont come into my room. Dont talk to me about your problems, consult a friend instead. I've asked him to take over all money management and have suggested that we schedule days to do bedtime routine with the kids(5,7,8)instead of it always being me. I'm having trouble foreseeing boundaries that need to be set before they happen. What are some healthy boundaries that you all have set or found helpful?

The1stWife posted 7/17/2020 03:43 AM

Meals. Donít cook for him unless you have to.

Stop doing his laundry.

You stay on top of bills and $ so he doesnít cheat you.

Tigersrule77 posted 7/17/2020 08:22 AM

I've asked him to take over all money management

Why? If you are going to D, you will need your own accounts, right? I would suggest you do that now, and identify which bills each of you are responsible for, until you are living separately. If WH is the only one working, he should be paying all of those bills, but you will still need to start being financially independent.

I would suggest that you don't cook for him AT ALL. You never "have to".

Your suggestion about bedtime is a good one, but I would suggest you go a little further. Start discussing your custody schedule and use that. For example, XWW has my kids from Sunday evening until after school Wednesday. They are with me Thursday and Friday, and every other weekend. Whatever terms you set, try to be out of the house on your "off days". This will help with the separation. If you can, go to a friend or relatives house.

A hard part for most will be birthdays and holidays. I would suggest you start planning on how to handle those now. I would also suggest that you DON'T plan to spend it together with your kids "one last time". This is the new reality, you may as well deal with it.

HalfTime2017 posted 7/17/2020 15:00 PM

Do Fucking nothing for him. Nada!!!

Agree with Tiger. You should set up accounting and bills in writing. I wouldn't trust him. Separate accounts, and he needs to contribute his share. Have you filed? If not, I'd get to that STAT b/c a lot counts on the filing.

Decadewasted posted 7/17/2020 16:24 PM

So as far as finances go, he is the only earner. I have stayed at home the last 7 years. We do not have a joint banking account they are separate. Him being the sole wage earner, he would usually just give me his debit card and I would pay all the bills. I am now making him do that himself. My name is on the lease and the car insurance,that's it. I haven't cooked for him or done his laundry since d day. As far as filing goes, there isn't anything to file. We have never been married. We have co habitated for 10 years and share 5 children. This would enable to to file to have a common law marriage recognized and then file for divorce however, he has no assets to split with me and alimony would not be awarded because he operated a business that I was 100% owner of and filed taxes on from 2014-2019 so as far as anyone else is concerned I have had my own income. Filing common law/ divorce would be costly and likely not benefit me financially. About the business.... it was his, only in my name to avoid tax liens because he owes the irs back taxes. There is no financial gain to be had here.

Chili posted 7/17/2020 18:08 PM

About the business.... it was his, only in my name to avoid tax liens because he owes the irs back taxes. There is no financial gain to be had here.

Have you consulted an attorney about this piece? If it's in your name (no matter the reason), then this is potentially a big deal. Not just for your potential financial gain, but also for your liabilities as an owner.

Decadewasted posted 7/18/2020 10:44 AM

The business is no longer as of April 2019

Justsomeguy posted 7/18/2020 11:15 AM

My STBXWW and I chose to do a form of S called nesting. We did week on week off. You might try it if you can. One added benefit was that it gave STBXWW a picture of what being a single parent was going to be like. I did enjoy watching that as she can barely take care of herself, let alone e a job and two kids. Me, having grown up with a single mother, not so much. In fact, it us less stressful now.

With your week off, you can actually live. Whatever you do, let him burn in the bed he made. Do not bail him out.

Muggle posted 7/19/2020 12:58 PM


You need to consult an attorney. You may well have rights you never thought you had.

I was in a common law "marriage" for 23 years, with 3 kids together, house and a business he started in his name only while together. He also convinced me to have a business in my name only prior to the second one in his name. He couldn't have a business in his name due to taxes. I worked for him part time and gave up my job when we had children. I was home for 19 years of our 23.

The first attorney told me I would get ZIP, NADA to walk away with what ever he wanted to let me have.

The second one told me anything we acquired while together was a marital asset no matter whose name was on it. I ended up with the paid off house, a large settlement from "his" business and many other things.

You need to be on board with the finances. Being out of that loop exposes you to not knowing what he's buying, where money is going or how it's being spent. You need to be all over that so nothing happens you don't know about.

Set up a parenting plan of sorts. Who does what on specific days. Stick to that plan. Make him responsible for doctors appointments, and anything you normally took care of.

Remove yourself from grocery shopping for his meals, fixing his meals, or doing any household functions that he would need to do if living separately.

If the business is 100% in your name, then start taking a wage, and make sure he's taking any wages in his name. You aren't responsible for his tax issues he is. This might be the most important step. Find out what tax implications you have with how you are currently set up. Quit protecting him from the IRS or liens. If you don't you may well end up with debt from a business you don't really own.

Protect yourself in this, as he protected himself by making you the responsible party. Don't get left holding the bag.

Chrysalis123 posted 7/19/2020 19:29 PM

Are you clear in your mind what will happen if your boundary is crossed? I ask because boundaries are for you to make sure you are mentally and emotionally stable. To me boundaries are more about what I will choose to do if someone crosses my boundary than about trying to control what the other person will do.

For instance with my kids: I will wash any clothes that are in the laundry basket. ( I will be washing any clothes in the basket. I am not trying to control the kids. If they select to not put the clothes in the basket they now have a problem I won't solve.)

With the ex: I will communicate about the kids by text or email only. (If he tried to engage me in conversation I said, "got to go!" And I left or hung up. In this case I never stated the boundary because I was dealing with a toxic person and he wanted attention. I just had my boundary firmly implanted in my brain. He learned very quickly what worked to get my attention---email.)

Decadewasted posted 7/19/2020 19:55 PM

Crysallis, no actually, I think I have been naive in not knowing what I will do if a boundary is crossed. I just expect to have my boundaries respected. We are In home separation right now. I'm in a make shift bedroom in the basement, not even a door just privacy curtains. When I moved downstairs I didnt take the heating pad with me that I use for my back. I went downstairs one day to find it on my table-he had obviously been in my room. He on the other hand has a lock on "his" door. I told him that I dont go in his room, dont go in mine. He said he understood but I have not thought about what I would do if he crossed that boundary again.

Chrysalis123 posted 7/20/2020 12:23 PM

Without a plan for what you will do, you really don't have a boundary you have a friendly request. And it appears the WS is used to taking advantage of you.

For example: Why does he get to have a lock on the door, and why is he in the room anyway? Why is he not in the basement?

Chrysalis123 posted 7/20/2020 12:24 PM

Without a plan for what you will do, you really don't have a boundary you have a friendly request. And it appears the WS is used to taking advantage of you.

For example: Why does he get to have a lock on the door, and why is he in the room anyway? Why is he not in the basement?

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