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Advice about AP/ wife's new guy, exposure to my child

99problems posted 7/17/2020 21:48 PM

Ok, here's the deal. Am separated and getting divorce. Wife says AP will not be a part of 7 YO dd's life "for a long time".
I know her well enough to know that a long time is gonna be 2 weeks tops
I don't even know the guys last name. I would like to run a background check on him to see if he is sexual predator/felon. Any ideas? Maybe I can have this done as condition of divorce? Haven't run this by lawyer yet.

[This message edited by Idiotmcstupid at 9:48 PM, July 17th, 2020 (Friday)]

Okokok posted 7/17/2020 22:31 PM

Wife says AP will not be a part of 7 YO dd's life "for a long time".

Mine said the same. So have hundreds of others on here. Except they didn't. Keep your eyes open.


I don't even know the guys last name. I would like to run a background check on him to see if he is sexual predator/felon. Any ideas?

Do whatever you (legally) have to do to get his last name. Put on your sleuthing hat. Hire a PI if you can. Get it from your ex wife in some way. Then, google him, run the background check, etc. Ask your buddy down at the police station. Whatever you have to do.

Maybe I can have this done as condition of divorce? Haven't run this by lawyer yet.

Doubt you could have this other guy's personal info be a part of your divorce process. However, you absolutely could have an agreement like "no significant others meeting kids until relationship is six months old" or something like that.

However, *I* did that. exWW went right along with it like it was a big fat obvious thing. A month later, AP was hanging out with my kids.

What was I going to do? Call the police? What would they do with a guy who was totally welcome and invited into a home that was *not* mine?

Nah, it would have had to have been months of legal proceedings and god knows how much in attorney fees so that my exWW could get in front of a judge and tell everyone that AP was not a significant other, just a friend.

My point in all this: you have little to no control over this. WW can bring whoever she wants around your kids (as long as they are not criminally dangerous, known pedophiles, etc.). She has always had this ability, same as you. That doesn't change in divorce, sad as it is.

That absolutely sucks, and it's a different conversation that you should absolutely have here with people who've been through it.

BUT. You *may* have a little more control if the guy has some sort of criminal background. So talk to your lawyer and get his name, start from there.

Sorry - I know this is like the worst part of all of it. Things do get better eventually, I promise.

OrdinaryDude posted 7/17/2020 23:18 PM

Definitely do the PI thing, at least so you know heís not some kind of convict.

If he has a record and could be a danger to the kids then you have some legal footing.

Get with your lawyer and see if they can help you in this.

Phoenix1 posted 7/17/2020 23:33 PM

Okokok covered it well. It is often referred to as a moral clause in the D agreement (i.e., can't have people of opposite sex around kids/staying the night/whatever to want to stipulate for XXX period of time/before meeting other parent/etc.). People have them inserted in the decree often.

The problem? Next to impossible to enforce.

It's one of the parts of the infidelity shit sandwich so terribly hard to swallow.

Do what you can to get info to check background of AP for the safety of your DD, but realize that unless he presents a danger to her, there is not much you can do, legally, to prevent him from being around her regardless of what you agree to.

I know it's not what you want to hear. I'm sorry for that.

99problems posted 7/18/2020 08:21 AM

Thanks guys. I'll talk to the lawyer. I just want to make sure he's not a convicted pedophile or something. I realize I won't be able to control whether he's in my kid's life or not. And boy this sandwich sure tastes like shit.

Okokok posted 7/18/2020 09:10 AM

I forgot to ask: is this the same AP from your first post back in the day?

I do want to say a couple things. First, being fairly familiar with your story, and also being around your age, I have a general sense that you are about to experience some of the greatest times of your life. Things really, really get much better.

I realize I won't be able to control whether he's in my kid's life or not.

You still have the ability to control some things, though. You're still Dad. Capital D.

You will likely be the parent who will jump at extra time with the kid, for example. Take all of that extra time you want. "Hey exWW, mind if I grab DD and take her out to lunch?" Etc. You can be the picture-perfect coparent, always willing to help out. Since exWW will be selfishly focused on her boyfriend(s), she'll gladly give you some of that time.

You also don't need to make it easy on exWW. I'm not saying be a dick, but once you start living an awesome life without exWW, being an awesome dad, dating other women, feeling great, it will affect the whole situation. Eventually, exWW's fantasy life with boyfriend may start to not look and feel so great to her. And your life will get better and better. DD will be happier, and your time with her will be better than you've ever imagined possible.

I know it's hard to really believe, but if you really think about the math and mechanics of it all, you only had 50% custody of her even when you were married. In sooooo many ways, this stays the same, but your time together is much, much more meaningful. And you're in control of it all! Pretty quickly, those days she's with her mom will seem like little blips in time, you'll fold her laundry, buy her favorite snacks at the grocery store, mow the lawn and go out to dinner with a nice woman you met on Tinder, and your daughter will be back before you could hardly tell she was gone.

Eventually, you'll get comfortable with the new boundaries. You'll learn how to effectively say things like "No, that's not in our agreement," or "Nope, DD isn't doing that today," etc. You'll also learn to be alert when things are happening at exWW's house, and you'll be a rock for your daughter. She'll feel comfortable and safe with you. She'll be ok, and so will you.

Big question: are you excited about what's coming next for you?? Because it may be time to start wrapping your head around how awesome it's going to be.

J707 posted 7/18/2020 09:47 AM

This is one of the worst parts of all this crap. I was you, but I had a last name (my then step father in law gave it to me). I did a background check and came up with nothing. I couldn't do anything about it, nothing I could do. Even if it was in the decree, you really can't enforce it. Like others said unless his history was pedophile, endangering kids etc. I would drop my kids off with APs car in the driveway at my former house. I had to just suck it up. I would drop them, scream in the car, maybe punch the ceiling a few times in frustration but it was fresh after Dday. It passed in time.

But yes, if you can get his last name any way possible, get it and check him out. A PI can get it, if you can afford that route.

"For a long time". Yeah right. That never happens. Unfortunately the waywards don't care. But as OkOkOk said. Jump on any opportunity to get extra time with your daughter. I was asking for extra days so I could plan camping trips etc, while she would ask me if I could take the kids because she was in fantasyland doing whatever. I always agreed to take them because it gave me that extra time with my kids that was stripped away from me. I asked to take them and she asked to unload them. Go figure. Good luck

Okokok posted 7/18/2020 09:57 AM

I asked to take them and she asked to unload them.

Yep, this is how it goes.

She'll be posting on facebook the struggles of single motherhood while giving you 70% custody even in your 50/50 agreement, probably.

Just be strong, calm, civil to exWW, and focus on your kid.

homewrecked2011 posted 7/18/2020 10:08 AM

Your gonna love this: In the year 1949, my Mother was 19 and had a date with a college boy from out of town. Her Dad (My Grandfather) hired a PI to investigate the guy!!!!!! Way back in 1949!!!

So, as a Dad, do whatever the hell you want!!! A PI has access to tons of info online, can pull up info from way back. (I know bc my friends Dad was a PI and found out a boyfriend had been arrested back in 1985, and the charges dropped. Thus, nothing showed on our searches.)

Your atty can recommend someone heís seen in the courtroom who is good. He might try to discourage you, only bc his interest is in the D case, only. But donít let it stop you. Ask around for recommendations of PIs. Get any info you can, and use the PI sporadically if you want.

You can also request first right of refusal-which is, you get first call to have your child with you if your WW isnít home.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 10:11 AM, July 18th (Saturday)]

homewrecked2011 posted 7/18/2020 10:16 AM

A co-worker hired a PI bc he thought his wife was cheating. Yes, she was -with a married man. The PI got evidence, then contacted the OBS. So, you might find out the OM has a secret wife/family/ girlfriend, that you can have the PI inform.

Phoenix1 posted 7/18/2020 12:29 PM

You can also request first right of refusal-which is, you get first call to have your child with you if your WW isnít home.

I would have this ^^ put in - first right of refusal for your DD. That way your WW is required to call you if she can't be with DD on her time. No pawning DD off on grandparents, friends, babysitter, AP, etc. without contacting you first. Gives you some control and certainly more opportunities to have more time with your DD.

Be the stable, supportive, loving dad she needs in spite of the circumstances. She'll notice tremendously as she grows up, and will eventually have the right to voice her own desires of which parent she wants to live with.

StillLivin posted 7/18/2020 16:00 PM

Hire a thorough private investigator. If you don't know one, om me and I'll send you the info for the folks I used. They're national. If it was solely for the use to get dirt, I wouldn't waste the money, but this is for the safety of your kids and they'll be worth every penny if it keeps them safe.

99problems posted 7/18/2020 17:38 PM

Ok guys, you have given me some damn good info. Think I'll be going the PI route.
This is not the AP from my first post, there has been many, and almost 4 years of fake R that she cheated on me through the entire time. Like 10 AP's. I'm going to post my update story soon.

J707 posted 7/18/2020 19:03 PM

Also want to say, my exww's current BF of 1.5 years is a really good guy. My kids like him, he treats them really well. At first I was besides myself but he gave me his full name. So I did my research and came up with nothing. I stalked him for awhile on FB and he's actually someone I would like to hang out with. I feel sorry for him though. He has no idea who my ex actually is. So if the big ole Dday comes for him, it will, and they split, I'll help him out with the aftermath. But he wasn't the AP. I was still married going through D but he didn't know the past.

So do your research, hire a PI, get info and background checks. But this guy may not be a threat or he may. That's something that took me a long time to realize because my kids were involved. Do your thing!!

99problems posted 7/18/2020 22:26 PM

Yeah, if there's no dirt on him...
Although I already know he introduced my stbxw to cocaine for the first time so it ain't looking good.... Also he has no car and left his kids in n carolina

Carissima posted 7/19/2020 03:06 AM

Is this the AP who gave her cocaine? Is she still taking drugs?
Can your ex be drug tested? Are the results relevant when it comes to custody where you live?

99problems posted 7/19/2020 10:02 AM

This is the AP who gave her cocaine. I will ask the lawyer about it. No fault state so I think I have no proof that's admissible in court.

99problems posted 7/19/2020 10:04 AM

I have no way to know if she has continued to take drugs. I have been NC since she contracted covid but I have to start seeing her briefly again, 5 days a week, to facilitate parenting duties.

99problems posted 7/21/2020 00:27 AM

I love the "first right of refusal" clause. Because Stbxw is planning on pawning DD off on grandma as much as possible. And my kid has two parents, she doesn't need to be raised by a grandma. That seems crazy to me!

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