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New Betrayed Husband

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AHGuy posted 7/18/2020 17:27 PM

Yes I'm a new betrayed husband, a friend of mine whose wife cheated on 4 years ago sent me a link to this site,Unbelievably 2 of my closest friends found out their wives were cheating on them within the last4 years, now it's my turn, then I came here to read more horrible stories of cheating wives, why? what happened to our women?is our society this fucked up? I found out 10 days ago that my my devout christian, God loving, Church going, morally conservative, and adultery hating wife and the mother of my children is having an affair with one of her client. Never thought she would do it I had to see evidence with my own 2 eyes.Reading 100s of texts messages and emails between them, seeing photos of them holding hand and kissing, even a naked photo of her in his bed (something she would never let me do) made me feel idiot, humiliated emasculated and dead inside. Stupid for ignoring all the signs: the sudden change in dress and hair style, the sudden obsession about weight loss and diet. the looong working hours, the extra fitness classes,the girls night outs, I even stupidly ignored hints from her sister. I feel humiliated, she didn't just sleep with him she confessed her love for him,how they miss each other and can't wait to to hold each other, how he made feel special, how they were planning to live together after they dump their spouses when all their kids are out.now she says it was all fantasy, WTF?
I feel emasculated , because this guy is a millionaire, more fun ( something she had been complaining about) he took her to fancy places I can't afford all the time.I'm not poor I have my own business and 2 payed off houses. but I work too much. they even used me to facilitate one of their Fuck meeting and degraded me afterward with the most disrespect. now she says she never meant to disrespect me.
Good news is I have full support of my kids, my family and hers. but I'm dead inside can barely breath.
I've always been tough and strong but this is bringing me down to my knees, despite all this I found myself unable to stop loving her after 28 years, she is the only women I've been with. we 've been together since we were 16 married for 25 years.

[This message edited by AHGuy at 5:38 PM, July 18th (Saturday)]

squid posted 7/18/2020 17:40 PM

AHGuy,

Sorry you've found us. But you're in great hands here.

I hope you saved all of the evidence and put it somewhere safe.

Have you contacted attorneys? What is her demeanor now? Has she claimed to have stopped the A?

You should get tested for STDs if you haven't already. Definitely she should too.

Keep posting. You are not alone. You've got over 70,000 members here who have had very similar experiences. We know what patterns to look for in waywards.

We've got your back here.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 7/18/2020 17:53 PM

Take some time for yourself and breathe - as hard as it may be to do. I'm sorry you are here and that I have little time to respond...but more will come along I'm sure.

Read the healing library and keep posting - ask lots of questions (this forum and the general forum are good ones to start with)...and make sure to not take anything anyone says too personally - take what you want from this site and leave the rest. It has been invaluable in my own recovery from infidelity, but that recovery takes time. The rollercoaster you have just been put on is a hard ride...lean on people here and your support system you have around you.

And just food for thought - take time for yourself and think about what you want to say before you say it as I know I said some things I wish I hadn't in moments of intense anger. You have to be accountable to you in the end, so keep your head held high - you can get through this.

AHGuy posted 7/18/2020 17:56 PM

Squid: Thank you, more than 70000 members, good lord? that's freighting.
I have all my evidence saved up in a flush drive and my work computer. She is showing regret but not till she was caught and more importantly everyone arrond her is against her. my daughter isn't talking to her and it complicated her relationship too, my 2 sons are shocked specially my youngest who is the only one still depending on us, I showed him the message where she said he was the only one holding her from leaving me he told to just leave now and not use him as an excuse. they all told her they do not want anything to with her boyfriend. that kinda shook her ground. I haven't seen any lawyer have not talk to her except to tell her she could leave to be with him now I'll handle the kids. she said that's not what she want. I have been ignoring her we had one meeting with her,the kids, her mom and her sisters Sunday. I left me a letter 2 days ago apologizing and that she didn't mean to disrespect me and she wants to fix this. I haven't responded.

Kaliber posted 7/18/2020 18:02 PM

AHGuy Sorry you're here buddy,

I've always been tough and strong but this is bringing me down to my knees, despite all this I found myself unable to stop loving her after 28 years, she is the only women I've been with. we 've been together since we were 16 married for 25 years.

So what do you want to do about it? D (divorce) or R(reconcile)

what ever you choose, contact an atterny to know what divorce looks like and your rights.
If you want to reconcile you need to create a big banner in you head that reads: consequences

You caught her only on this one, but was this her only affair? are you sure?!!
You now know what she is capable of, the boundaries she crossed, taking naked pictures in his bed (very experienced if you ask me!)
That leads to: in the 25 years marriage was this the only time she strayed?!!
If you dig deeper, I wonder what you might uncover!
A Polygraph can help with that!

your WW (wayward wife) needs to face huge consequences such as:
- NC (No contact) with AP (affair partner)
- She leaves the house to give you some space
- File for divorce and serve (you can stop that later)
- IC for her with infidelity expert to know why she did what she did (and maybe for you to get you head clear)
- She MUST leave her job
- Expose to all (I think you already did that except for the affair spouse)
- A full written time-line of her affair (from the start to D-Day)
- Polygraph the time line to know if she was truthful, or she had past affairs you don't know about!!
- Expose to affair partner OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse) you said he has a spouse, contact them give them the evidence of the affair (texts but no pictures), blow up his world (THIS IS A MUST!) he has to face (consequences)
- Do the 180 on her hard: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/understanding-the-180.asp
- DNA test your kids (even if you know %200 they are yours) it's not about the DNA itself it's the action that will give her a shock of realty and the gravity of her infidelity and the broken trust of the 25 years charade (remember consequences)!
- All devices under your control no more privacy, she lost that the day she strayed (consequences)

The point is: she must face consequences or you will be in for another D-Day or played for a fool and get more humiliated and emasculated

It's Shock and awe, fast and quick don't give them time to get their ducks in a row, DON'T MAKE THIS MISTAKE!

Buckle up buddy, your in for a hell of a ride, and I'm so sorry you are here man, my heart goes to you and your kids!

I'm sure other will come and give more advice.

So What do you want to do?

[This message edited by Kaliber at 6:51 PM, July 18th (Saturday)]

Justsomeguy posted 7/18/2020 18:02 PM

I hear you. We e been there and are there for you. Don't like less of a man. Your wife took.advan5age of your honour and integrity and leveraged it against you. I think you need to reexamine your list of your wife's attributes. Those are the ones you thought she had. I suspect you will find out that she has a whole different set you knew nothing about.

When I had my Dday#1, I was crushed. I didn't eat for a month, I didn't sleep, I co7ldnt function. I also could not imagine life without my WW, at least the one I thought I was married to. Now, I can't imagine life with her. Now I am much stronger. Yes, I have q shitload of baggage, but I also have the tools to deal with it. You are at the beginning of a long journey. Take it slow. Do things at your pace. You will get through this.

Oh, and take the good advice that people give you. You are going to find out that your WW is a run of the mill cheater who will act and talk in very predictable ways. You will need to play 3 dimensional chess with her. Dontbyrll.hervabout this site. Leave no trace of it in your browser history. She may use the information you post to outflank you.

OldNeighbour posted 7/18/2020 18:20 PM

First thing brother is get off your knees, stand upright and get pissed.kaliber has given you some good things to follow through with and more will come.

My personal thoughts and remember these are my thoughts for you to take or dismiss.

I would slap the picture of her in his bed on the table along with divorce papers. Ask her how that doesnít disrespect you!

Expose to the church. Obviously your ď devout christian, God loving, Church going, morally conservative, and adultery hating wifeď isnít what she paints herself to be..

Youíve exposed to her family and your kids are aware, can you tell us, what are there ages? Is the POSOM married?

Get a lawyer, if the POSOM is a millionaire and wants her for more poon tang, he may help her monetarily, he will probably threaten you with litigation if you try to make it more open than it is. Your evidence should be given to your lawyer for safekeeping. Remember if the asshat tries to come after you, you stand on the truth.

As I first said, picture and divorce papers. You can pull the divorce papers anytime if you so choose.

Shock and awe brother, stand tall, donít even begin to blame yourself. The cheating is on her. If she cries mistake, call her on that bull, she made choices, no mistake there.

I wish you and your children well, you will get differing advice, but pick what fits your situation.

Thumos posted 7/18/2020 18:33 PM

is our society this fucked up?

Unfortunately yes but that is not a reason to give up. There are a lot of people here forming an agape community, regardless of their own beliefs. They care about your wellbeing.

I am a fellow Christian and mostly conservatish on many issues. there are people here who are Buddhists, atheists, Jews, Hindus, Muslims ... and we are all betrayed spouses. We know your pain and we also know all the tricks and how to get you thru this.

You are not alone. You will get thru this. You will get great advice here. Listen to it and act on it.

I am praying for you, brother.

Thumos posted 7/18/2020 18:39 PM

this guy is a millionaire, more fun ( something she had been complaining about

So bc youíre not a gazillionaire youíre a bad husband? talk about entitlement when who knows how many people are out of work in a practically new Great Depression brought on by pandemic. What a selfish entitled creature. No gratitude for an intact family and a faithful husband earning a paycheck.

1.Inform the other betrayed spouse pronto

2. File for D and have her served. Yes do it. You can change your mind later.

letís see how long Who Wants to Bed A Millionaire keeps her around if heís scrambling on damage control with his own wife?

Shock and awe is your best bet here. Bring the noise.

[This message edited by Thumos at 6:40 PM, July 18th (Saturday)]

Buster123 posted 7/18/2020 18:40 PM

It seems you have exposed the whole thing, good job, where's your WW staying at now ? Have you talked to OBS yet (Other Betrayed Spouse) ?

Thumos posted 7/18/2020 18:47 PM

Google ď so your Christian wife cheated dalrockĒ and read those two posts. Do it tonight.

Thumos posted 7/18/2020 19:09 PM

She is showing regret but not till she was caught and more importantly everyone arrond her is against her.

Useless.

Do everything in the to do list that was posted above.

And get a VAR and start carrying it around In our pocket to protect yourself from false domestic violence charges (yes it happens a lot - far too many WW are irrational crazy And vengeful)

AHGuy posted 7/18/2020 19:12 PM

Thanks for all your words of wisdom, I donít need to inform the other manís wife because she was the one who exposed the affair. She knew before I did. It must be nice to be rich because she hired a private investigator when she suspected something was going on. The investigator brought all the evidence and also help her recover all deleted emails and messages. She confronted them both and they ended their business relationship with her and me too. They lied to her and told her I knew about the affair and we were separated, but she is a smart woman she didnít take none of their BS and sent me a certified mail to my business name with an USB drive containing all the photos, PDF version of all txts and emails, and also a letter explaining who she is and what she found out, she left her number to call her so she can make sure I know. My life as I knew it was over the second I opened that package. I tortured myself all day Wednesday las week reading their love story. I called her and confirmed that I didnít know and we werenít separated. I didnít have to confront my wife because the other woman did it for me. I came home moved all my stuff to the basement I had to kick my son out of there, when he resisted I had to tell him that his mom is Fing another man and canít be with her. Heís always been mommyís little boy Whom she spoiled like hell, While Iím the one whoís tough with him since he works for me we always butt heads, before he started defending her and bash me I showed him some of my evidence.
My daughter has already moved out the house and lives with her boyfriend whom my wife dislikes because he doesnít believe in Jesus. She doesnít want her to commit to someone who doesnít have ďmoralsíĒ well the boyfriend rubbed it in her face and called out her hypocrisy which caused a rift between him and my daughter to a point where they havenít talked to each other all week. My sons are 20 and 15. The oldest work for me still live with us, my youngest is going to 10th grade. He is also mommyís boy but was so disappointed at her because she used him as excuse. The shit really hit the fan for her.

Robert22205https posted 7/18/2020 19:14 PM

See your doctor for help sleeping and dealing with this betrayal/trauma.

Google PTSD ... that's what you'll be experiencing. You've been traumatized and are in no shape to decide to R or D.

Give yourself at least 90 days (or whatever you need). In the interim, your wife has 90 days to prove she deserves a second chance. The final decision is 100% yours.

Both of you need to be tested for STDs.

She misrepresented herself to the church family.

Consider having her 'confess' in front of the entire church family (not just to the Priest or Pastor).

Finally, you as well as all your kids need IC. Have your wife pay for it.


[This message edited by Robert22205https at 7:17 PM, July 18th (Saturday)]

Thumos posted 7/18/2020 19:24 PM

Read proverbs 30:20 and think on it.

This is not to cast aspersions on all women. It is to understand Solomonic wisdom about the mindset of a WW

also proverbs 21:9

Again not to cast aspersions on an entire gender but to understand living with an unrepentant woman is worse than living in a garage apartment one room efficiency.

VinST posted 7/18/2020 19:43 PM

"my devout christian, God loving, Church going, morally conservative, and adultery hating wife"

That statement above was obviously a fallacy. While she may confess with her mouth.. her heart is far from Him. These are grounds for divorce. You would never have peace wit her and what she did. Not just because of it... but because her life has been a total lie, a facade... You should thank God that He has revealed to you who she is. As it states..."the Truth shall set you free"
And indeed while it may seem like the crushing reality of her betrayal will weigh heavy on your heart... You can know that He would never forsake you. My take is that you let her have this wealth POS and be consumed by getting closer to God. Perhaps He has a different plan for your life.

goalong posted 7/18/2020 20:04 PM

The POS hid behind his wife no sooner she came to know. So for him the affair must have been for fun. Your WW totally got caught up to the extent she did not consider you even as Plan B and now may be trying to look at you as Plan B without much emotions.

Stevesn posted 7/18/2020 20:05 PM

You have done the right things. You know what they said to each other. I would continue to tell her that she obviously loves this man more than you, so she should go be with him, and if she doesnít, you donít want a wife who is missing her secret life with another man and pining away for him.

I know that is hard to do, but right now, itís truly the only thing to say.

If she wasnít happy with her life she should have told you that either you get marriage counseling or you go your separate ways. Instead she threw a hand grenade on the relationship. Always the worst thing to do.

See a lawyer about your options. Even if down the road you decide to give her another chance itís important that you show her that you absolutely wonít hesitate to start divorce proceedings.

Wayward spouses who want to rebuild have months and years of hard work to make you feel loved and safe again. Right now just sending a letter saying she wants to fix things isnít even a half step in the right direction.

If you do respond, tell her sheís blown up your relationship and family and she will need to do many many highly uncomfortable things in order to ever repair the damage she inflicted on all of you.

If you want, you donít have to, but you can tell her to start by getting the book ďhow to help your spouse heal from your affairĒ. Donít get it for her. If she wants to turn her life around she needs to lead the reconciliation, not force you to do the work for her.

Tell me, are the AP and OBS working on rebuilding or divorcing?

I wish you strength.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 8:09 PM, July 18th (Saturday)]

ChamomileTea posted 7/18/2020 20:22 PM

what happened to our women?

Many of us can say "what happened to our men?". Adultery isn't exclusive to one gender, and it's not more or less painful when you're on the receiving end of it whether you're a man or a woman.

I think the first thing you'd be wise to do is to allow yourself to take a gender neutral stance. "Emasculation" is in the mind. No one gets to define your masculinity but you. Certainly, there's nothing about infidelity which causes it. Because...

Cheating is always about the cheater. It's not about you, your manhood, your marriage, or anything but your WW. It's a flaw in character when a person can directly violate their own stated values. If you say, "I believe in fidelity" and you actually mean it, you build boundaries around that core value which prevent incursions. In cheaters, the core value of fidelity is weak and permeable. There's a "but..." in their values statement... "I believe in fidelity, but... not if I'm unhappy" or "I believe in fidelity, but... not if someone comes along to make me feel sexy and interesting." You see how that works? That "but..." has nothing to do with you. And that's true whether you're a man or a woman. It's not your fault. Nothing you did (or didn't do) caused your WW to cheat. It's about her character. Not about you. "But... he's a millionaire" is just another "but..." in her fractured core values system.

Many men come in here thinking that if they'd just been better husbands, made more money, spent more time at home, been better lovers, etc. that the cheating wouldn't have happened. But cheaters cheat. And there are always more "buts...". You could be all of that, "but... she's bored and needs external validation from a new source". So, you see, the problem isn't eliminating the "buts...", it's about not having one.

You can choose to continue feeling "emasculated". Lord knows, we've seen plenty of men who hold onto that feeling as if it had some kind of intrinsic value. Or, you can choose to define masculinity for yourself, curb any negative self-talk with corrective truths, and deal with the reality that your WW's betrayal wasn't about you.

In the interim, give yourself some time to absorb this trauma. Be patient with yourself. Engage in daily self-care, which is so important because trauma, at it's core, is physiological. Get tested for STDs. Talk to your doctor about stress management. And see an attorney to get a good look at your financial prospects.

Strength and healing to you as you process.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 8:23 PM, July 18th (Saturday)]

Buffer posted 7/18/2020 20:25 PM

Respect to you brother, shock and awe!
I am not slinging mud but your WW is just a manipulative infidelity seeking cheater, who used you, her children and her religion, to lie and manipulate you, her family as well as her extended family so to be be able to be who she is, just a cheating partner.
Remorseful now she is caught. But to what extent is she remorseful for?
The hurt, disrespect and betrayal?
The lack of a moral code to her church?
The use of her position (employment) to sleep with a customer or client?

Please seek IC for yourself and your children. Get yourself tested for STDs as well as STIs as they never practiced safe sex. You can even get a STI from kissing. Regardless DNA your three children, tell WW she has to pay for these tests!

Consult with a lawyer ASAP regardless of what you want to do; you need to know your rights as well as her responsibilities if she leaves for a separation or D.
Please carry a var on you when ever you are engaging with her she may make claims of DV.
Well done on shining a light on the A. People in As are like cockroaches they thrive in the dark, by shining a light they scurry away. Your family know, does your church need to know the full extent? Probably not. Does you WW work for herself or an employer?
If she has a employer well your WW employer needs to know that she bangs her client. Has she done this with other clients? A polygraph is a good way to find out.

She has to be held fully accountable for her conscious decisions and actions. (I am ex military and currently work LE, so integrity is big in my life).

Now you donít have to to make any long term relationship decisions now, take your time. How long did the A last?
Is WW wants to D, fine seek no more information!
If she wants to R, what do you want?
To make up your mind get WW to write out a full time line and include her emotions and thought process. If you want got both a PG and X rated version but warning once words or photos are heard or seen they can never be unheard of un seen. Your WW should then read this out loud to you. You could tell her of your emotions at each meeting they had.
Get your WW to gather all sexy cloths, gifts and other items she used for her AP and burn it in front of her.

For you, IC that specialises in infidelity, exercise, drink water, talk with close friends and your children. Donít degrade your WW to your children, regardless of her ways she is their mother.
Please take on board what you feel you need, but keep other suggestions in the back of your mind. The good people her have the battle scars BTDT.
One day at a time
Buffer

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