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Feeling a little bit sorry for WS

betrayedafter20 posted 7/23/2020 09:50 AM

This is nothing but just a state of the proverbial non-union

I don't think WH was prepared for how solid I would be so quickly. Heck, I don't think I was.

He moved out in May and it's been only two months I feel like I really don't miss him.
I pined away for the first few weeks and engaged in contact here and there between "how could you have done this and causes us so much pain" crying and snarky remarks about his AP.
The hardest part really, has been on holidays or family gatherings on which I wasn't given the option to attend. This was more on his family than him. I told him he was being hypocritical because the day we told our boys about the separation he told them "don't worry we will still be doing all the family things together".

I find myself very easily annoyed by him and don't want to be around him. Before, I would try and find ways to connect - but more to "spy" on him and see if he was regretful than to be close to him.
Once I moved away from needing to spy - I am anxiety-free and centered.

This past weekend I took the kids for the first time away for five days by myself.
He made a remark when I told him my intent that "he wanted to do that too". I think he half expected me to invite him along. He was working hard at home and also did some electrical work I had asked for at the house while we were gone.

I texted him a couple of pics the first day and then didn't after that. The following day he was texting asking questions. The kids hadn't texted him. I know he felt sad and left out because I had posted a couple of fun lake pics on facebook.

I decided it was okay for him to feel sad and left out.

When he asked how the trip was after we got back I said we had a good time and it was great to be able to relax and not be yelled at for stupid stuff during a vacation for once (in other words, "I/we didn't miss you").
then I felt badly. Even though it was the truth. so I offered, "we thought about you". (True).

My stepdaughter and I have not really been in contact since the separation other than a few texts in the beginning.
My feelings were a bit hurt that she had invited the kids and their dad a couple of times to her new house she just moved into and not me. I've been her stepmom since she was 2.

Yesterday I finally talked to her and found out her bestie had a miscarriage and she was worried and her fiance had just been laid off so she was working extra hours since they just bought the house. She hadn't understood how I felt and felt badly for not inviting me. She said in the future she would invite us all and WH and I can figure out if we both want to be there together or not.

I invited her and fiance to come tomorrow night for dinner. Then I texted WH and told him my plans. I felt a little conflicted about this, but I said "you can stop by if you want or politely decline if you have other plans, just wanted to give the option as I would have liked at G's house".

Our house has been the center of the family for 20 years. I don't want him there but the gesture was to display that I would appreciate the option to come along to family gatherings and I am still an important part of the family. So yes manipulative and ulterior motivation. I am hoping he picks up on the "politely decline" because I really don't want him there.

I would not expect nor would I want to join the kids at WH's apartment. But my stepd's house or MIL's house I feel differently about it - I feel they should still include me (I am the mother of the grandchildren and G is the boys sister). To be clear - I would probably decline on the times WH is there unless a major holiday. HOWEVER I kind of feel it would be polite for them to at least invite me if my kids are going.

Anyway - now I'm feeling a little badly about the way I worded the "invitation" to WH - I did it in such a way that was "I'm inviting you because it's obligatory and I don't really want you there".

I know I shouldn't feel sorry for him. AP is not with him right now (pretty sure she will be eventually, they are talking on the phone here and there, and I don't care) So he is definitely alone (also confirmed because she is his hairdresser and he hasn't had a haircut in months, lol) So I know he is feeling his aloneness.

I know it's what he deserves.
I've been pretty businesslike for the most part NC except for our company or the kids. Not nearly as friendly as he would have expected. I know it's hurting him. The vacation really twisted the knife.

But I know it is not even a fraction of the pain I have endured over the last 8 years. So it's what is keeping me NC.

On another note I haven't done anything with beginning D. except consulting a 2nd attorney. He was recommended to me by my neighbor who's also an attorney. I wasn't impressed with the consult - he gave me hardly any information and just handed me a packet to complete. But he's been doing D's for 35 years and she swears he knows his stuff and will protect me without putting WH on the defensive (I don't think WH will seek counsel if he thinks we can agree to most terms, he's all about saving money).

Beginning D is complicated because everything is kind of hinged on the business.

He is also on my insurance - I qualify for Obamacare because I am a 1099 employee and WH is self -employed. So without us as a family unit this may screw him for health insurance.

I'm apparently afraid to bring up divorce with WH. I'm not sure why. My therapist says I will know when the time is right.

In the meantime my plan is just to kind of get my own plan in place with visitation agreements and dividing up finances so that I"m ready to go pretty easily when I start putting things into the legal system. I figure this will safe money on lawyer hours too.

for some reason though, it's very important for me emotionally and psychologically to be the one to initiate the divorce. So I'm feeling a little pressure to get my ducks in order sooner than later. Just haven't rolled up my sleeves yet.

sorry for the long, rambly, "me" post. I guess I'm finding that I'm more at peace than I have been for years. It kind of frightens me. Almost like I'm afraid something bad is around the corner. A fear - like all of a sudden I will get an announcement from WH that he has filed and serves me with papers - or that he is seeing AP again, or I run into him and some OW somewhere, or ??

The1stWife posted 7/23/2020 10:06 AM

LotS of good thoughts and observations. However, based on my experience I want to caution you on one thing.

The ďfamilyĒ is no longer going to be intact as you would like. Both you and your H need to prepare that at some point the holidays will be different as you move towards D, unless you can all be in the same room and survive.

The extended family will make choices and invite one and not the other. Itís just the way it is. Itís not a choosing of sides (though sometimes it is) but can be more of who is the in-law and who is the blood relative.

A family I know has to invite their son to family events. It was a bitter D and his fault 100%. The former daughter in law cannot be invited even though they like her better. But blood is blood and they chose to keep the relationship going with their son.

Just donít be alarmed by what family will do.

There is another poster here who saw her H having sex with his SIL (brotherís wife). She (the wife) witnessed it. Her in-laws have turned their back on her and sided with the OW SIL who had the sexual encounter. Family is now in shambles and the wifeís MIL and FIL donít believe the sexual encounter even occurred. They believe the lying cheating OW DIL.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 10:08 AM, July 23rd (Thursday)]

DevastatedDee posted 7/23/2020 10:26 AM

The part that sucks is that when you divorce your WH (as you should), you are no longer an intact family. It is unrealistic to expect to still be a part of the family. Some people pull that off, but more often than not, you lose your former spouse's family for understandable reasons. I still care about my XWH's parents and I do check in with them occasionally and they check in with me too. They have health issues and I like to see how they're doing, especially during COVID times. I never ask about him. I am not going to see them again, mostly likely, and I expect the checking in to stop at some point. It has slowed dramatically. They know that I wasn't the problem and his mom is disgusted with him for wrecking our marriage and was very supportive of me leaving. And yet I understand that he's her son forever and I was her DIL for just a time. It's not personal. Even with your longer marriage and closer family ties, you are no longer a couple and can no longer be assumed to be included.

When you divorce, you separate your lives. You will have your own life and he will have his. You will vacation without him, have holidays without him, no longer need to interact with him like you do now. It's for the best. Say you both are dating other people. Are you honestly forseeing you showing up to a family holiday with your new boyfriend/husband and him with his new girlfriend/wife (maybe even the OW) and it all be okay? Your kids are part of the family. You won't be treated that way. That is normal. It is not personal.

The peace you feel without him there is real and it is the best sign that you are on the right track. Trading Christmas with the ILs for peace in your life is a good trade.

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 10:28 AM, July 23rd (Thursday)]

LadyG posted 7/23/2020 19:12 PM

You sound a little bit like me.

I am pushing for D but STBXWH also wants to save money on legal fees so wants me to draw up the financial settlement that he is going to be happy with. He works in my Business!

As for feeling sorry for WH, I endured a lot of fake family celebrations with him at MILís house for 18 months while he was having A, that MIL knew about. He was so nasty to me at his motherís house, I was there for Christmas last year but never again.

My DD and SIL came to visit for a month in March, they made it here and back just before COVID lockdown, they are in the USA. They stayed with me so I had everything and everyone at my apartment including WH over for lots of dinners and family time.

I planned everything during their stay and made sure they spent time with my sons, with MIL and WH.

SIL didnít enjoy time with my MIL (my daughters grandma). It was her 80th Birthday so I organised a lavish luncheon at a top Restaurant with the whole family, that was wonderful. Everyone seems to behave Themselves out in public.

I regretted allowing WH time alone with our daughter and son in law as he filled their heads with lies about his Aís etc.

My daughter only visited our Old family home where WH still lives, once for about an hour to go through her old room and take a few things that she left behind when she left 2017.

My DD told me that she really didnít care if she never saw her father again. My eldest son only sees DAD when he needs money and middle son still lives with WH but avoids him and stays in his room 80% of the time.

Itís A sad situation for everyone 🙏🏼

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