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Lonely

ashesofkali posted 7/29/2020 15:37 PM

I feel like I've spent my whole life being lonely. And I feel pathetic for saying that. I'm a natural introvert: I like to spend time alone, writing and painting and thinking. But that doesn't mean that I want to be alone all of the time. I've always wished I could have just one person to be with, some of the time Ė someone like me, someone who appreciates being alone sometimes but not always.

I thought my xWH was the same type of lost lonely soul. I thought we clicked. I thought he understood me. I now understand that xWH was just mirroring Ė he's a narcissistic fuckhead who parroted my behavior so he could get in my pants. I wanted to believe his bullshit, so I did. For about 15 years.

Now... well, it's 4 years since DDay. It's 2 years since I kicked him out. It's 7 months since the divorce was final. I still see his comments on mutual friends' Facebook posts. I still have a tattooed wedding ring on my left hand, third finger (I wear a big ring to cover that tattoo, but it's still there).

It's still there.

I'm so fucking sick of it. But it's still there. Does this pain ever end? I don't think so. I expect to suffer this pain for the rest of my life. Is that fair?

I know I did the right thing by divorcing xWH. But there's nothing for me on the horizon. Nothing. Fuck this shit. Fuck it.

traicionada posted 7/29/2020 21:08 PM

Hello, fellow introvert! Good news! If you do the work, it gets better Find what feeds your soul and build from there. For example, how about looking into laser removal or new art work to cover the old piece?

BentandBroken posted 7/29/2020 22:20 PM


I know I did the right thing by divorcing xWH. But there's nothing for me on the horizon. Nothing.

I feel like this some days. May I gently remind you (as I must do for myself) that we can't see over the horizon. So we don't know what is waiting for us.

You are obviously very strong, and you know your worth. You know your xWH wasn't good enough for you, that divorce was the right choice. These are very positive indicators. You are well on your way.

You may not be completely healed, but are you at least moving from despair to anger and edging towards indifference?

AbandonedGuy posted 7/29/2020 23:28 PM

As a fellow introvert who hasn't figured out yet how to effectively meet new people, I'm gonna go ahead and bookmark this thread. Taking time to focus on yourself is really the best thing to do after something like this, but even introverts need deep, fulfilling social interaction eventually. And the covid situation is making that a helluva lot harder!

99problems posted 7/29/2020 23:41 PM

Yeah, that mirroring thing is fucked. I was sucked in for 13 years of being devoted to a personality disordered person because of 4 years of mirroring and love bombing, and I'll never trust another feeling I have about another person ever again because of that.

AbandonedGuy posted 7/29/2020 23:46 PM

The love bombing and mirroring spoiled me. I came away with a really warped sense of what I should expect from a romantic partner. An incredible amount of attention and affection and physicality (not just sex) heaped on me, but of course punctuated by periods of some of the worst shit. Rinse, repeat.

LadyG posted 7/30/2020 05:58 AM

I am a contradiction. I was shy as a teen, but I grew in confidence and became extroverted.

My WH slowly eroded my natural manner and behaviour due to his own jealousy and super extroverted personality.

I read a lot and still do. I now write a lot and have always been a deep thinker.

I canít paint, but I love art. I bought myself a wonderful original artwork this week, named ĎWater Healingí by a wonderful local artist.

I am constantly looking over the horizon. My imagination runs wild at times to a future without pain of infidelity.

I am fortunate, I tell myself that I am comfortable with my own company without feeling lonely, just yet.

COVID travel restrictions have slowed life down but I donít mind. I just wished the D, was over with. I hate uncertainty hanging over my head.

WH and I have matching tattoos that need to be removed...

crazyblindsided posted 7/30/2020 12:50 PM

I was sucked in for 13 years of being devoted to a personality disordered person because of 4 years of mirroring and love bombing, and I'll never trust another feeling I have about another person ever again because of that.

Isn't that the truth! Mine also mirrored, love bombed, then married me. I used to say we never argue or have any problems Ha! if I could only talk to my deluded self back then

I am an introvert so being alone comes easy to me I actually prefer it. I do like to spend time once a week with my girlfriends. I was the most lonely in the M with STBX.

ashesofkali posted 7/31/2020 00:38 AM

Thank you all for your words and thoughts.

BentandBroken, this is a great reminder. You're quite right.

May I gently remind you (as I must do for myself) that we can't see over the horizon. So we don't know what is waiting for us.

I am feeling stronger today. I'm cycling out of the self-pity and back into the anger stage, which always feels more powerful to me. Getting ahold of my anger generally propels me over the hump to indifference, which is clearly the goal. But indifference is elusive for some of us; I catch hold of it for brief periods of time and then lose it again. And when I lose that indifference, I get down on myself for "backsliding". I've been through this cycle more times than I can count. It's such a process.

I realized something today, though... When I get down on myself for "backsliding" or not healing fast enough, that voice I'm hearing in my head Ė the voice that's scolding me for not healing fast enough Ė that's not my voice. That's xWH's voice. He's the one who said "Can't you just get over it, ashes?"

I think that's one of the worst things a wayward can say to the person they betrayed: "Can't you just get over it?" That's so callous. It's like he shot me in the face and then said "I'd offer you a bandaid, but I'm down to my last one and I need to save it in case I nick myself shaving next week."

Sorry, I'm wondering off-topic again. Happens a lot.

What I'm trying to say, I guess, is that the answer is: No, I can't just get over it. Nobody gets over this stuff quickly or easily. This is the kind of trauma that takes a loooooong time to heal from. So I've decided to cut myself some slack today. I don't have to heal on anyone else's timetable. It's gonna take as long as it takes.

It's definitely better to be truly alone than to be alone while married.

Here are three aspects of living alone that I love right now:
1. Nobody tells me when it's time to put gas in my own Jeep. I'll go buy a tank of gas when I fucking feel like it.
2. Nobody argues with me about how to load the goddamn dishwasher.
3. I can fart in bed.

If you've read this far, I thank you for taking the time. I hope you're all well on your way to peace and healing. Good night!

[This message edited by ashesofkali at 12:39 AM, July 31st (Friday)]

suckstobeme posted 7/31/2020 06:31 AM

Itís a huge process, but you will get there. As someone who is 10 years out, I can promise that you will get to indifference. They left us with a massive wound so sometimes, every once in a while, the pain still shows up. But itís nothing like it was and it goes away almost as quick as it came. Give yourself a break. You are not that far out and it takes a lot of time to heal. As far as getting over it completely, I donít think we ever do. Itís something that shapes us and is now part of our history. Again, itís a massive wound to the heart and soul. The scar will fade, but never disappear altogether.

I always thought I was sort of an extrovert but Iím really not. At least not in my adult years. Just because I smile and can tell a good joke doesnít mean Iím comfortable around people outside of my core orbit or that Iím comfortable in strange settings. I have no idea how to go about meeting someone else so I havenít. Going out with a perfect stranger, telling all of my life stories to someone new, and building a relationship sounds like the last thing I want to do. I like being in control and fixing my house like I want, spending money on what I want and watching whatever the hell I want on tv.

I think there are more people like us than we know. While it can get lonely sometimes, itís not a requirement that we all couple up. There are other ways to fill our souls and we will find them.

And yes, we have no idea whatís coming around the corner so itís best to stop thinking in terms of ďforeverĒ and ďlong termĒ. Just think in the now.

ashesofkali posted 8/1/2020 00:23 AM

suckstobeme:
I always get so much good out of reading your words on this site. Thank you for your comments.

I like being in control and fixing my house like I want, spending money on what I want and watching whatever the hell I want on tv.

Yup. I've been doing a lot of this too, and loving it.

I think there are more people like us than we know. While it can get lonely sometimes, itís not a requirement that we all couple up. There are other ways to fill our souls and we will find them.

I had a thought today that went something like this: "Wait a minute... Yeah, actually, I AM BETTER OFF ALONE." Maybe I don't need to find a new partner. It's entirely possible I'll be happier and have more good times just being a bitchy old single lady who does whatever the hell she wants. I've gotten a couple of fat raises since I threw out xWH. And since I'm no longer supporting his chronically unemployed ass, my money stretches a lot farther anyway. I plan to have a great time traveling around Europe all by myself, just like I wanted to when I was a 20-something but couldn't afford it.

Hugs.

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