I’m struggling. I know deep down I don’t love him anymore, nor do I want to be married. The amount of trauma and heartbreak is just too much. Ironically, he’s done a complete 180 that’s lasted a year and a half. Reads books about being a better person, has stayed consistent with his IC (2 yrs now), literally is falling over himself to prove and show he loves me. It’s just....after 2 (or 3, including inappropriate texting) A’s, how can I stay?
If I leave, I lose ALL that I’ve known. My career is at a permanent standstill bc of covid. And even if it wasn’t, I couldn’t support myself and my kids (older teenagers) with it. He makes good money, we live a comfortable life. I was a sahm for most of our marriage. We are a year out from 20 yrs. Talks of traveling and a home big enough to house our kids and grandbabies when they come, supporting and providing a safe, happy place for my parents as they need it in their elderly years...how do I walk away from that? How do I LIVE with myself if I stay? I can’t afford to provide for my parents on my own. More than likely I’ll be in a small apartment, starting over at 45. All because I can’t move past this. I don’t even know if I want to. I sabotage moments of closeness and I can’t be vulnerable with him. I don’t trust him. He completely destroyed me in 2007. I believed him when he said he wouldn’t ever do something like that to me again. Idk what was worse. Finding out about the first affair or the second (an EA) and 3rd (sexting, no emotional stuff)?
I know everyone is different, but how do you put yourself ahead of your family, your kids, your comfortable life, to leave and start over?
I wish I could just do it. 2 yrs ago when it all came out, I saw an attorney, and it wasn’t promising. I can’t even fathom how I could survive on what they estimated with a small apartment and having a car. Not to mention bills and providing for your kids.
I’m 45 yrs old as of July. I should of left at 32 when it first happened. But I didn’t want the stigma of being divorced twice and trying to raise 3 kids.
I feel like I’m stuck. I don’t have a choice and I hate him for it.
Idk what I’m expecting here. The magic answer perhaps? That would be great lol I just don’t know how you get the courage to file when you have so much responsibility riding on you and your husbands money. He ruined everything. And I’m pissed that because of that, I don’t love him anymore. At least not enough to fully commit myself to our marriage again.