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How do you finally decide?

sunkissed posted 8/12/2020 21:42 PM

Iím struggling. I know deep down I donít love him anymore, nor do I want to be married. The amount of trauma and heartbreak is just too much. Ironically, heís done a complete 180 thatís lasted a year and a half. Reads books about being a better person, has stayed consistent with his IC (2 yrs now), literally is falling over himself to prove and show he loves me. Itís just....after 2 (or 3, including inappropriate texting) Aís, how can I stay?

If I leave, I lose ALL that Iíve known. My career is at a permanent standstill bc of covid. And even if it wasnít, I couldnít support myself and my kids (older teenagers) with it. He makes good money, we live a comfortable life. I was a sahm for most of our marriage. We are a year out from 20 yrs. Talks of traveling and a home big enough to house our kids and grandbabies when they come, supporting and providing a safe, happy place for my parents as they need it in their elderly years...how do I walk away from that? How do I LIVE with myself if I stay? I canít afford to provide for my parents on my own. More than likely Iíll be in a small apartment, starting over at 45. All because I canít move past this. I donít even know if I want to. I sabotage moments of closeness and I canít be vulnerable with him. I donít trust him. He completely destroyed me in 2007. I believed him when he said he wouldnít ever do something like that to me again. Idk what was worse. Finding out about the first affair or the second (an EA) and 3rd (sexting, no emotional stuff)?
I know everyone is different, but how do you put yourself ahead of your family, your kids, your comfortable life, to leave and start over?
I wish I could just do it. 2 yrs ago when it all came out, I saw an attorney, and it wasnít promising. I canít even fathom how I could survive on what they estimated with a small apartment and having a car. Not to mention bills and providing for your kids.
Iím 45 yrs old as of July. I should of left at 32 when it first happened. But I didnít want the stigma of being divorced twice and trying to raise 3 kids.
I feel like Iím stuck. I donít have a choice and I hate him for it.

Idk what Iím expecting here. The magic answer perhaps? That would be great lol I just donít know how you get the courage to file when you have so much responsibility riding on you and your husbands money. He ruined everything. And Iím pissed that because of that, I donít love him anymore. At least not enough to fully commit myself to our marriage again.

Phoenix1 posted 8/12/2020 23:39 PM

First, you don't owe anyone an explanation. If infidelity is a dealbreaker for you, then it just is. For many of us that was the case.

Second, fear of the unknown is very real and can be paralyzing. But it can also be unfounded. Please take some time reading the Fear v. Reality thread pinned to the top of this forum. You will see that many had fears that did not materialize the way they thought it would.

I feel like Iím stuck. I donít have a choice and I hate him for it.

That's the fear talking ^^. The reality is that you DO have a choice. Your future may be different as a result, but it may be much better than you realize.

Imagine yourself 10 years from now. Do you want to be feeling the same feelings of misery? Nothing changes unless it changes.

You also have kids. What if one of them was in this same position?? What would you advise him/her to do? Would your advice be to suck it up and be a martyr for the family? Stay miserable for years with no end in sight? Just sit and think about what you would really want for your kids to do in a situation like this and listen to your own advice. Would your parents applaud you for sacrificing your happiness for them? Or, would they be saddened that you did so?

There is no right, wrong, or magic answer. Only what's right for you. Many of us have been faced with this decision, and it sucks. I'm sorry you're in this position.

We're here for you though, no matter what you decide.

The1stWife posted 8/13/2020 04:34 AM

Forget about him for a minute.

Have you had professional counseling to help you deal with these issues or events? If not I highly recommend it.

Are you prioritizing your happiness? Do you put yourself first. That should be your top priority (After kids sometimes).

Once you are strong(Er) many of these questions will be obvious for you.

The1stWife posted 8/13/2020 04:34 AM

Forget about him for a minute.

Have you had professional counseling to help you deal with these issues or events? If not I highly recommend it.

Are you prioritizing your happiness? Do you put yourself first. That should be your top priority (After kids sometimes).

Once you are strong(Er) many of these questions will be obvious for you.

Bigger posted 8/13/2020 07:24 AM

I second Phoenix post. Fear is paralyzing.
I also agree with 1stWife.

Your career is not on a permanent standstill because of COVID. Even the pessimists agree that there will eventually be a vaccination in the next 24-36 months. Even if economies change then there is never a void Ė change brings new opportunities. Donít base the future on now because now in not normal.

Your teenage kids? If heís making good money he will be paying the appropriate child support. Donít worry about them Ė they will be taken care of. As teenagers then itís only a 5-7 year situation before they leave for school or start their own adult lives. Again Ė donít base the future on now.

Small apartment? WellÖ yes... Maybe at some point. Remember his obligation to provide if possible a comparable lifestyle to his kids. But once again with the kids gone then thatís fine. Itís only for you and if you have a spare room for visitors then your then-adult kids and possible grandkids can visit. Or you visit them.

But then Ė MAYBE if you divorce you meet that handsome older man that has a mansion and a yacht and a summer home in Italy or whatever. Or maybe you land that great paying job. Or maybe you win the lottery. Or maybe you are peachy-happy in your small cute and efficient apartment. Donít base your decision on fear.

About what the attorney said: I think as a rule attorneys draw a bleak picture. I personally would avoid any attorney that promised me gold and lobster and the house and the vehicles and all that. Underpromise and overdeliver seems to be the rule.

One path you could try is a serious talk with husband about your emotions. If you fear divorce and/or arenít really willing to pull the trigger then maybe a serious sit-down where you are frank about your emotions? Where you make it clear that you wonít remain in the present situation, and that it needs work and commitment from BOTH of you if this is to be saved?
If you do this I suggest MC.

If nothing else then after a 3-6 month period you can honestly say to yourself no Ė itís not working and be safer and more content in a decision to divorce.

HalfTime2017 posted 8/13/2020 16:56 PM

One day at a time, one step at a time Sunkissed. Sometimes our heart just lags our mind. And as the others have said, fear is paralyzing. Its true.

Keep moving forward, and one day soon you'll get there.

siracha posted 8/13/2020 18:47 PM

I really hate how womens labour is upaid ( sahm) and unseen
That being said What makes you so sure he wont find someone else, leaving you in that small apt with even less choices 10 yrs from now? Even if you compromise on everything he can still move on whenever he pleases
Its not too late to use his support to get another degree - that might be the right answer to all your problems

messyleslie posted 8/14/2020 01:15 AM

This sounds really hokey but there is a line from the new Taylor Swift album - on a song called "my tears ricochet" which is on repeat in my car right now - that says "I can go anywhere I want just not home" and that combined with my counselor talking to me about how even when I don't feel like I have choices I actually do.

My perspective is shifting from thinking about all of things I will lose to all of the things that I may gain. Yes I cannot have that life that I planned - I don't get my house and to be a stay at home mom and I don't get to sit on the front porch with my kids father and look at our grandkids while I am old and gray.

BUT I also may get to experience that exciting passion of kissing someone for the first time. I actually remember telling someone ages ago how I did not miss dating at all but I miss how your skin feels on fire when someone you have just started dating touches you on accident, but maybe on purpose.

I also have work and won't get to stay home with my kids all day, but I may get new friends at a new job and my kids may get to see a mom who works and have a different experience of what being a mom and a woman means.

My WH wasn't a camper and neither was I at all. I never would have taken my kids by myself - but my sister and her family invited us and now we have gone on four camping trips this summer. My kids love it and I actually do too - that never would have happened if I was still married. I'm sort of secretly planning a huge backpacking hiking trip for myself once my kids are a little older - which is something I never would even thought I would like.

I could go on - but I just feel like I so often feel like everything in front of me sucks and I don't want to do any of it. I just see how hard it will be and I just shut down and don't want to. But I may get a way better life - even in a small house and working a ton. Even now with my WH out of the house, it sucks - I do everything all the time. And then a pandemic, with three young kids and absolutely no help whatsoever - it was a complete shit show. But I also feel SO much better not having that dark cloud around my home. I don't even like talking to him on the phone - and my kids don't like it when I talk to him because they see how it upsets me. Life is hard. But it was really hard before and at least now I have a shot at being happy.

CoderMom posted 8/31/2020 21:53 PM

It is possible to stay and work through it. I would say he is committed to the marriage. I believe most men would not be putting forth the effort of going to IC and trying to save a marriage if they just didn't want the marriage. Best wishes to you.

homewrecked2011 posted 8/31/2020 22:32 PM

Iím wondering if perhaps he would be extremely fair to you and the kids since heís seeing an IC. It does happen sometimes.

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