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Vent: stbxww just cannot change

Justsomeguy posted 8/17/2020 11:14 AM

Okay, quick vent hear. We recently changed our switch over day from Friday to Sunday and it has been better for the kids. A little background on my STBXWW. She has ADHD, but I think she is cluster B as well. My IC thinks she is missing a critical part. Her life is a chaotic shitshow and she has great difficulty managing things. As well, she is a terribly negative and discontented person. As a result, she is always chasing something to fill her empty hole, hence the A and questionable behavior with men her whole life. As the hard working grown up in the relationship ship, I functioned as the fixer. My kids called me the responsible one. I am never late, get things done, and keep my word. My STBXWW on the other hand is a controlled fall.

So, two Sundays ago, I was expecting to pick my kids up between 5 and 6. I had dinner made and then got a text from my eldest daughter that their mom had them it of town on a swimming trip and would be late. My STBXWW did not contact me. They rolled in at 10 PM and my STBXWW expected me to come grab them. I said no and told them that either she could drop them off of they stay another day. They stayed.

Now this Sunday. She is to pick them up between 5 and 6. Same drill. My eldest daughter tells me that her mom is out of town at a lake and will be late. Nothing from STBXWW mind you. Now I am pissed. Of course, I did get wind of a breakup between my STBXWW and her latest boyfriend in which he called her crazy, so I am assuming she did something in keeping with her character. Not my business, but my kids did say she was going through something and suggested I be supportive. Nope, not my roll anymore. Got fired from that position. She has friends and family.

I texted my STBXWW and made it clear that she is to abide by the arrangements to which we have agreed. Her response was, and I kid you not, was that since the kids stayed an extra day st her place last week, she thought it was no big deal. I walked her through things yet again and explained that it was her actions that di rated that. Either she is a profoundly selfish person or a profoundly stupid one...poor both. I am so glad I'm not with that POS anymore.

twicefooled posted 8/17/2020 11:24 AM

I think we married the same person (except mine is my exh)

I'm 6 yrs out now, but he hasn't changed. Everytime he does something in character, I say a blessing that it's no longer my circus.

I feel awful that I chose this person as my children's father, but through a lot of therapy they are lightyears ahead of me in setting boundaries and not taking things personally.

Best of luck. You've been heard <3

99problems posted 8/17/2020 16:56 PM

They are such selfish morons, aren't they?
It's amazing we ever put up with their shit in the first place.
I hope things get better man.

The1stWife posted 8/19/2020 04:12 AM

Could this be part of her ADHD and her inability to plan, manage time properly and focus?

Was this an issue during your marriage?

Justsomeguy posted 8/20/2020 11:16 AM

The1stwife: thanks for your reply. Yes, it has been a shitshow our whole marriage. Because I loved her and was the hardworking one, I picked up the slack. I just thought that it was something partners do in a committed relationship.

My STBXWW has always leveraged the responsibility felt by those around her to subsidize her shortcomings. I use to try and explain it like a series of table tops. We each have a table on which we can place our responsibilities and desires. Each table can only hold so much, and when you try to put too much on it, something invariably falls off, landing on someone else's table.

For my STBXWW, she didn't care. First her, things fell off and magically disappeared. But for the rest of us, we are loath to dump our shit on anyone else's table, so we work harder to take care of things, taking up the slack. My STBXWW was always oblivious of the stress she put others in. Part of her selfishness I guess.

She consciously or subconsciously looks for people who are inclined to fix or help, usually codependent people, and uses them up. Her current BF, maybe former now, is a KISA for her. It is a tremendously one sided relationship. He gives; she takes. For her, her contribution is her "hotness" and sex. Quotes intentional.

I think that she just cannot wrap her head around the idea that people were not put on this planet to make her life convenient. It's like she has a critical part missing.

The1stWife posted 8/20/2020 13:38 PM

I live with ADD and executive dysfunction as I call it. Boss. Friends. Kids. Etc.

Itís hard when the person who has these issues refuses to do anything to help themselves. Your wife has/had you to cLean up after her. Lucky her.

It seems that left untreated she has impulse control issues that now exacerbates everything. Would medication help Or have you already tried that?

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