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Ex trying to play victim post-divorce. Normal WS behavior?

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ColdChickenNugge posted 8/24/2020 00:33 AM

My STBXW cheated on me in one of the worst ways possible (check out my post history). Anyways, I'm working hard to focus on myself. I've been NC since. I'm in IC, reading books, exercising, buying new clothes, online gaming with friends, etc. It's tough, but I'm sure I'll get through it eventually. Anyways, my STBX blocked me on social media after I had her served, and denied her my premarital assets. Today at a party, my friend who still follows her on social media showed me her posts that sound related to our marriage. They sound like:

"Don't apologize for wanting more"

"It's ok to leave a situation where you weren't treated right."

"Not letting anyone hold me back in 2021"

"Men don't provide like they used to anymore, and it's sad"

"Stop busting you a** for a man who doesn't value you"


It's like she's trying to convince herself that I'm the bad guy who mistreated her. I did so much for her in our marriage. I cooked everyday, planned vacations, helped her family, helped her study, and got her hired on a job out of school. Some would say that I went above and beyond, with little reciprocation. My friend thinks that some of these messages may be geared toward her AP. I'm not going to let this bother me. I know I was a good husband to her. Just wondering if anyone has dealt with anything similar.

Phoenix1 posted 8/24/2020 01:25 AM

It's called rewriting marital history, and it's very common. She has to make you the bad guy to justify her actions. Expect it to continue, sadly.

You know the truth. You know your value. You know what you brought to the marriage.

Brush it off. Ask your friends not to show you her posts. Keep focusing on your healing.

Bigger posted 8/24/2020 04:30 AM

This is fighting windmills.
There is no way you can change her thoughts or even what “friends” chose to believe her or believe you. It doesn’t matter. It’s totally irrelevant. As long as she doesn’t make a direct reference to you in a libelous way (i.e. ColdChickenNugge beat me repeatedly while we were married) then what she does, says and behaves is of no concern of yours.
Divorce is the termination of a relationship. With a short marriage, no kids and no property this divorce should be over in a jiffy and within 1-2 years you have no reason whatsoever to be in any form of contact with her.
Next time your friend wants to share information on her tell him: If they are relevant to the divorce process and can or could impact that then fine, otherwise then no – I couldn’t be bothered.

And Chicken – Just to avoid you thinking like or adapting a victim mentality: Your wife cheated on you in the worst way possible, but then ALL of us here recovering from infidelity were cheated on in the worst way possible. IMHO there isn’t anything spectacularly “worse” in your situation than there was in mine or anyone else situation. It’s the same boat we are steering to safety friend.

Tigersrule77 posted 8/24/2020 06:38 AM

So your XWW is unhappy huh? Who could have seen that coming?

You have the right idea. Let your friend know that, in the future, you'd rather not hear about your XWW. She no longer concerns you.

99problems posted 8/24/2020 07:00 AM

It's the oldest, most tired cliche in the history of cheaters. The lack of originality involved is truly stunning.
The writers of "Lost" came up with a better ending.
I wouldn't waste any time at all thinking about it. The only real inconvenience is when they try to have you arrested/have your children taken away over it. That's why you go full no contact if possible.

TheLostOne2020 posted 8/24/2020 07:29 AM

ColdChickenNugge

My STBXW cheated on me in one of the worst ways possible (check out my post history). Anyways, I'm working hard to focus on myself. I've been NC since. I'm in IC, reading books, exercising, buying new clothes, online gaming with friends, etc. It's tough, but I'm sure I'll get through it eventually. Anyways, my STBX blocked me on social media after I had her served, and denied her my premarital assets. Today at a party, my friend who still follows her on social media showed me her posts that sound related to our marriage. They sound like:
"Don't apologize for wanting more"

"It's ok to leave a situation where you weren't treated right."

"Not letting anyone hold me back in 2021"

"Men don't provide like they used to anymore, and it's sad"

"Stop busting you a** for a man who doesn't value you"

No one wants to be the bad guy in the personal movie that is their life. All this tells you is that your STBXW hasn't changed and will not change.


It's like she's trying to convince herself that I'm the bad guy who mistreated her. I did so much for her in our marriage. I cooked everyday, planned vacations, helped her family, helped her study, and got her hired on a job out of school. Some would say that I went above and beyond, with little reciprocation. My friend thinks that some of these messages may be geared toward her AP. I'm not going to let this bother me. I know I was a good husband to her. Just wondering if anyone has dealt with anything similar.

My STBXW constantly played the victim. It aggravated the shit out of me. It's out of the cheater's playbook.

WornDown posted 8/24/2020 09:17 AM

Yeah, straight out of the Cheaters Playbook.

Just ignore her and her bleatings...

HalfTime2017 posted 8/24/2020 15:20 PM

CCN, yes, its absolutely out of the Cheaters handbook. They are the poor itty bitty victim.

They are looking for "validation" when they post shit like that on social media. Guess who needs validation from fake online friends? People with piss poor self esteem. WW's that lack the ability to be self happy, gets bored easily, needs others to make them happy. Take a step back and you'll realize that you dodged a bullet. When you start dating again, stay away from those that need constant outside validation.

My WW posted stupid shit like this too. I'm off social media, so I had a friend come tell me stuff when my WW would post stuff. She once posted a picture of a sunset, and said something to the effect of The Universe, trust in it, it knows what its doing. I believe in reference to her cheating and leaving the marriage to be with a married man, whose wife was pregnant She put that out there not for herself, it was for validation. She was/is broken. When you do something good, you don't need external validation to confirm it. No "likes" needed. No reassurances needed. You did right, no attaboy needed.

That's just one example. Your WW wants others to like her comment and agree with her, but do they know that she's a cheating whore? Probably not. Its all made up nonsense. If they did, they probably wouldn't like her comments. To you, it just shouldn't matter. They will do this, its common. But it just goes to show you how weak they are. Than you get to move on and pick someone better. You win, she's still broken.

Westway posted 8/24/2020 15:33 PM

I don't follow my STBXWW's social media, but I get an almost daly update from my younger daughter. My ex is not posting much about the end of our marriage, but she has been posting a lot of Stuart Smally-type self actualization memes and quotes: things like re-inventing oneself and finding happiness from within. I often find myself fantasizing how I wish I could post on FB how she is actually finding happiness by whoring herself out to multiple men each week, but I won't lower myself to that. She's a clown: her daughters see it, her family sees it.

crazyblindsided posted 8/24/2020 17:03 PM

Mine is playing victim pre-separation, but I've already got him blocked on social media and I don't post anything that will get back to him either.

He's already started his smear campaign against me how I'm the big meanie that didn't give him his 100th chance

Chili posted 8/24/2020 17:38 PM

Oh yeah - I think most of them start hanging up inspirational posters all over the walls.

They are so wronged and all of a sudden need affirming pictures of sunsets, birds flying free, beaches, rainbows...and now that I think of it - unicorns are probably roaming free in the woods somewhere as well. (You'll also note the little mantras that go along with them tend to be self-absorbed).

And social media is an ideal place to craft their fake narrative.

She's really not special in that regard. I can think of very few unremorseful WS (especially those that continued their relationship like mine did) who actually go on to tell the truth about their former or current life.

Why would they want to look like the bad guy?

Who puts that on a poster? "I'm a piece of shit and I own it." Not so catchy.

Staying NC with ANY info about her will be your best friend. I know it doesn't seem like it, but it's so healing. Keep focusing on you.

LifeHardNow posted 8/24/2020 18:38 PM

It's pretty common, mine cheated and then stayed with her second partner through covid. Both affairs are with co-workers so it's not like she's had an easy ability to "forget" what she's done. My $0.02, is to ignore it.


In the near two years I've been going through divorce, she's now claiming that she has PTSD from me. I "steamrolled" her with custody negotiations, the TL; DR; there is she lied to family court to get an order of protection against me when an attorney was assigned to our kid during the divorce. She did this to try and "steal" custody.

I offered her 65/35 her/me in custody split in the earliest months. When that was all over the our child's attorney saw that she's full of poop then she finally settled with me on 50/50. Claims that I'm a narcissist after everything while she ranged from overweight to obese during our marriage. I never once felt or said an ill word about it, I only ever supported her. The same is not true regarding her about me.

It's no justification but the human ego does all sorts of things to make it easier to live with ourselves. Nothing good will come of watching her social media or otherwise. Start working hard to "mind your own business" and you'll find peace sooner than not.

J707 posted 8/24/2020 18:38 PM

I'm the biggest asshole that ever lived and apparently so is every other Betrayed here with an unremorcful spouse/ex. I heard some pretty good whoppers while divorcing. Talk about eye rolling. It's all about rewriting the history. Nobody wants to be the villain in their own fantasy play.

Don't worry about friends choosing her over her fake persona she's projecting on the world. It's all fake shit.
Them: "Oh you poor thing, I didn't know you weren't happy all these years"
Her: "Yes, I never told anyone but 2021 will be my year because (insert bullshit).

These social media things are for her and her only. All full of shit. Continue to focus on your healing. All the memes or quotes, tell your friends don't even bother telling you.

Also, anyone that truly knew your M will see past the bullshit she is portraying. I lost some so called "friends" that absolutely knew but continue to fluff her up with compliments and ego boosting bullshit. Still do I'm sure. Lifes not about that, it's fake crap, superficial. Continue on with your healing dude!

The1stWife posted 8/24/2020 21:34 PM

Do we really expect the cheater to take responsibility for their actions?

They can post and get millions of likes or applause on social media all they want. It’s fake fake fake and deep down the cheater knows it.

Very few cheaters will acknowledge the marriage ended b/c they cheated. Instead they blame everyone or everything else.

So typical.

DevastatedDee posted 8/25/2020 07:39 AM

I'm the biggest asshole that ever lived and apparently so is every other Betrayed here with an unremorcful spouse/ex.

Hi, Biggest Asshole. I'm "That Fucking Bitch".

Mine wrecked a marriage to sleep with prostitutes and smoke crack. I am the one who failed the marriage by not staying and working harder on it.

Welcome to the post-game where you were the one in the wrong.

EvenKeel posted 8/25/2020 07:43 AM

Ex trying to play victim post-divorce. Normal WS behavior?
Absolutely.

my STBX blocked me on social media
That was a gift my friend! Really it is.

my friend who still follows her on social media showed me her posts that sound related to our marriage.
Some friend between the 'still follows her on social media" and "showed me her posts" - that is a lot of 'ouches' right there. What I mean is, there is nothing there that would help YOU. Your friend should be supporting you in this time of your life. I would let friend know that you don't want to see it or hear about it so you can continue on your path of healing.

h0peless posted 8/25/2020 08:35 AM

This is totally typical. They have to do some mental gymnastics to justify their behavior. There will come a point where you only think it's pathetic, and then a point where you don't care at all.

[This message edited by h0peless at 8:36 AM, August 25th (Tuesday)]

CallingSpades posted 8/25/2020 09:14 AM

I am so thankful that my WH's job monitors his social media. He's definitely the victim and I'm the villain in his mind, but he can't post about it. He posted a bunch of Jesus stuff early on (very out of character for him) but stopped when his mom was the only one that consistently acknowledged it 😆. Ignore. It drives them crazy.

HappyTree posted 8/25/2020 10:12 AM

Totally normal behavior. "I cheated but its not my fault because I did EVERYTHING." My ex did exactly the same thing. You know what? Post divorce, I had to figure out what to do with all my free time because I never had any before. Before everything was about making the house fit his standards, doing things with the kids that he thought I should be doing. I'm so over that crap.

Right after his affair, I had some mutual friends try to talk to him. I guess he was mad that they didn't ask how HE was feeling. He couldn't believe that people wouldn't hear HIS side of the story. He still wants people to believe that his life is so rough. None of our mutual friends talk to him anymore. They all had to block him.

Lifeexploded posted 8/25/2020 12:22 PM

Totally normal and expected. Mine is telling everyone that I was controlling, jealous, etc. He fails to tell them about all of his cheating and how all of the rules imposed on him were actually boundaries suggested by our counselor to help him rebuild trust.

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