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Trying to finish what WW started - and did you ever feel...

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takethelongview posted 8/25/2020 16:18 PM


DDay was 9 years ago. We never fully recovered, but we were still working at it. Then 2.5 years ago she walked out. Leaving was her idea, I was ready to go the distance, infidelity and all. She admits that she gave up. Then WW started negotiations to divorce, halted them, never attempted to reconcile. Never explained why she halted the process.

But 2 years after ending negotiations, she's making no effort to finish divorce, no effort to reconcile. Just...nothing. Either she is not strong enough to go through with it, or she does not want to go through with it. I have no idea which. Occasionally I see her to give her mail or whatever...never talks about it. I asked her if we were going to stay this way indefinitely...no reply.

This leaves me having to either ask "do you want to try again?" (I don't really want to ask) or tell her "since you are not strong enough or willing enough to finish this, now I have to push you to finish what you started, that I never wanted in the first place."

There is a 1 percent chance she is interested in reconciling. There is a 99 percent chance she is not, and is just jacking me around. For my part, I am ambivalent, and no, not kidding. She wants to try again, fine, we can try. As I said, separation and divorce was her idea, not mine. She wants to end it, fine, fricking do it then. Enough is enough.

Anyone live through this with a WS?

Tron posted 8/25/2020 16:30 PM

If she actually loved you and wanted to be with you, wouldn't she make some kind of move?

Her actions tell you exactly how she feels.

Not sure why you remain in this limbo.

takethelongview posted 8/25/2020 16:41 PM

Financial reasons related to the way divorce works in this state. Men get screwed in divorce. If she happens to pass away of natural causes, I don't lose my wealth. Until I sign a separation agreement, I have not lost anything.

J707 posted 8/25/2020 17:41 PM

Divorce sucks. But you know what sucks more? Living the way you are. I've been D for over a year and still paying things off from the M. But don't let financial things stand in your way of YOU being happy. You not living in this limbo of wtf are we doing? You can't wait for her to drop dead of natural causes. What is it that you want to do, that's the question and I think you know that answer. Is the only thing holding you back that she would get finances out of you? You know your financial situation the best. Sit down, write it out and see where you stand. See a lawyer and see where you stand.

Buffer posted 8/25/2020 19:47 PM

Well said J707^^^^
One day at time
Buffer

Chili posted 8/25/2020 20:14 PM

I'm familiar with this type of scenario. I had one who was happy to just sit there and do nothing and avoid dealing with anything. Total head in the sand. I really don't understand why people want to sleepwalk through their own lives.

Actually, in my situation, he would have been happy to stay connected financially as part of our business. I tried to make offers - he just kept saying no and stomping his feet without bringing anything to the table. When I got an attorney (who he avoided responding to for weeks), he had to tell him, "You can just sit there as long as you want, but you're not going to get paid a thing. We no longer require your services." So...I could have done that. Indefinitely. But it would have been horribly sucky.

So I paid him to go away.

Here's some things that went through my mind that could have gotten in my way:

1. Why should I have to do the heavy lifting?
2. Why do I always have to be the decider?
3. Why do I have to be the bad guy?
4. Screw him - he wants out of being with me so bad, be the one to stand up and say it.
5. Why does he get to act like the victim?
6. I don't want to give him a dime.
7. I don't want to pay all these legal bills.
8. I wish I could be avoidant too - this is such a mess.

So most of that stuff above? A lot of it was about my pride.

And yeah - I got screwed financially (and I'm not a man btw). But as my attorney advised me - paying him something and being done and recovering financially now is better than delaying it and still being attached to him in any way. It's been so true. Pulling the trigger was a real mental leap to make, but I was so relieved when I did. I knew there was no turning back.

As for her ambivalence - I would assume that you're going to have to be the one to act. Are you at the point where YOU are done (regardless of what is or isn't in her head that she's not sharing with you?)

Bigger posted 8/26/2020 04:47 AM

Men get screwed in divorce.

Do they? Says who?
I have seen so much of this on this forum. The only statement that even comes close to this oneís frequency is the claim that women get screwed in divorce.
Which one is it? Do women or men get screwed in divorce? Both canít be true.

Iím going to be blunt here: I think the ďI will get screwed in divorceĒ is a big excuse for inaction. Itís a fear-reflex.

In NC all property/assets earned while married is joint.
If your wealth came from before you married, you donít need to worry Ė you just have to prove you brought it into the marriage. Something you should easily be able to do using tax returns and such.
If its wealth acquired when married, then you wonít get screwed because according to the marriage laws you willingly entered then all the time half its value was hers. Iím guessing typical gender-based roles here, but maybe the reason you could work +40-hour weeks might be because she took care of the kids.

Theoretically you donít ďloseĒ anything. It just becomes clear what your equitable half of the marital possessions are.
Divorce is a mathematical enigma: Somehow having 500 in your personal account feels less than having 1000 in a joint account.

Not sharing this to put you down. Itís just I think inaction is a terrible thing and generally due to fear. Fear is generally based on lack of knowledge or understanding. I think your statement of losing your wealth is one you grabbed to justify inaction. Just like your statement about her passing from natural causes is weak justification.

heartbrokeninNC posted 8/26/2020 06:03 AM

takethelongview, I'm in NC also and just got done with the Separation Agreement here. It all comes down to what you are willing to negotiate and compromise on. Everything worked out for me pretty good and she signed away on everything just so she could be with her AP faster. As Bigger said, we are a joint property state. Hire an attorney and see what you can do to get the ball rolling again. Divorce sucks and both parties are going to take a hit, that is a given but if she is not going to be the one to finish this up then take action yourself.

blahblahblahe posted 8/26/2020 07:37 AM

You have been given the gift of time by her actions, you should have been using it wisely. If you have not, you should start immediately.

SuperDaddy1027 posted 8/26/2020 09:17 AM

Iím from NC as well. To recap my XWW had an affair, blame shifted, rewrote the marriage history, gaslighted and did not lift a single finger to sell the marital house, start the separation or file for divorce.

If you hang out on SI enough youíll quickly realize, my story is not unique. Most waywards act this same exact way. They drop the atomic bomb on the family/marriage and then do absolutely nothing to help clean up the after math. Itís always the betrayed who are stuck cleaning up a mess they didnít create or even want. It sucked, but I can tell you , for me, it was better than being married to my XWW.

I understand you may not have filed due to financial concerns. I still think itís good to consult with a lawyer and find your options. Living in Limbo is not ideal.

99problems posted 8/26/2020 09:45 AM

I mean, if you have an indefinite amount of time to plan your exit, then by all means begin doing that!
Squirrel as much money away as you can.
Begin separating assets.
Get that lawyer cracking.
Get set up with living arrangements etc.
I wish I would have planned better and had more time. I did at least have a living arrangement set up and ready. I wish I would have set aside money.
But I'll make it. And at least I'm out of that horrible, soul-killing place.

The1stWife posted 8/27/2020 04:05 AM

Get her to sign a post nup giving up access to certain assets.

And then file when you are ready to D her.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 4:05 AM, August 27th (Thursday)]

fooled13years posted 8/27/2020 10:42 AM

takethelongview

Financial reasons related to the way divorce works in this state. Men get screwed in divorce

Complete the paperwork and prepare to file.

If she is financially sound with her own place she may be willing to sign the divorce papers and leave everything else the way it is.

As she hasn't been willing to talk about it you never know until you try.

DevastatedDee posted 8/27/2020 11:19 AM

This is almost always the way. He cheated and used drugs, killing the marriage. I had to be the one to pack up and leave and buy another home. I had to be the one to file for divorce, while he tried to avoid being served. I had to pay for the divorce filing. The BS almost always has to do the heavy lifting after the WS wrecks the marriage. It isn't fair, but you're not alone.

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 11:20 AM, August 27th (Thursday)]

takethelongview posted 9/2/2020 09:37 AM

I was my children's primary care-giver, not her. And I was fully employed and put away a solid retirement fund.

I appreciate the responses, learning that many wayward spouses act like this is very helpful.

I gave her my offer to sign a separation agreement, pretty much required to get divorced here. If she wants better she has to take me to court. She asked for an unreasonable amount of time to respond, but oh well, at least she said she'd respond.

As most of you said, limbo is no way to live, so let's hope this is almost over.

Thank you to all that responded.

Westway posted 9/2/2020 13:01 PM

Are the two of you with other partners now?

newlife03 posted 9/2/2020 15:14 PM

Same story as most...xWH never wanted or bothered to file for D. I stayed around hoping for a miracle, but finally realized it wasn't going to happen. Cried when I signed the divorce documents, cried when they came in the mail indicating that the divorce was final. 10 years ago...never looked back!

Outoflove2020 posted 9/2/2020 21:33 PM

@DevastatedDee

This is almost always the way. He cheated and used drugs, killing the marriage. I had to be the one to pack up and leave and buy another home. I had to be the one to file for divorce, while he tried to avoid being served. I had to pay for the divorce filing. The BS almost always has to do the heavy lifting after the WS wrecks the marriage. It isn't fair, but you're not alone.

Never a truer word said. This is exactly what I'm working through with my therapist at the moment. It's the icing on a shit cake, it really is. That they put you through all of this and then still leave you to pick up their shit and deal with it yourself. So unfair.

homewrecked2011 posted 9/2/2020 22:08 PM

It could be that sheís taken on a ton of debt she doesnít want to tell you about. Once you file, sheíll have to show all debts. In SC both parties are liable up to the date of filing. However, everything can be negotiated!

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 10:09 PM, September 2nd (Wednesday)]

FamilyMan75 posted 9/2/2020 23:16 PM

Have you at least talked with an attorney to get an idea? Because for all you know, she could be knee-deep in debt, and the longer you wait, the more likely you'd be responsible for half. Get legal advice, instead of just assuming.

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