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takethelongview (original poster member #44822) posted at 10:18 PM on Tuesday, August 25th, 2020
DDay was 9 years ago. We never fully recovered, but we were still working at it. Then 2.5 years ago she walked out. Leaving was her idea, I was ready to go the distance, infidelity and all. She admits that she gave up. Then WW started negotiations to divorce, halted them, never attempted to reconcile. Never explained why she halted the process.
But 2 years after ending negotiations, she's making no effort to finish divorce, no effort to reconcile. Just...nothing. Either she is not strong enough to go through with it, or she does not want to go through with it. I have no idea which. Occasionally I see her to give her mail or whatever...never talks about it. I asked her if we were going to stay this way indefinitely...no reply.
This leaves me having to either ask "do you want to try again?" (I don't really want to ask) or tell her "since you are not strong enough or willing enough to finish this, now I have to push you to finish what you started, that I never wanted in the first place."
There is a 1 percent chance she is interested in reconciling. There is a 99 percent chance she is not, and is just jacking me around. For my part, I am ambivalent, and no, not kidding. She wants to try again, fine, we can try. As I said, separation and divorce was her idea, not mine. She wants to end it, fine, fricking do it then. Enough is enough.
Anyone live through this with a WS?
I am learning to abide. Tried to reconcile for 8 years. Separated 5 and finally divorced.BSDDay 2011
DD grown nowDD grown nowReconciliation was a mirage
Tron ( member #50936) posted at 10:30 PM on Tuesday, August 25th, 2020
If she actually loved you and wanted to be with you, wouldn't she make some kind of move?
Her actions tell you exactly how she feels.
Not sure why you remain in this limbo.
takethelongview (original poster member #44822) posted at 10:41 PM on Tuesday, August 25th, 2020
Financial reasons related to the way divorce works in this state. Men get screwed in divorce. If she happens to pass away of natural causes, I don't lose my wealth. Until I sign a separation agreement, I have not lost anything.
I am learning to abide. Tried to reconcile for 8 years. Separated 5 and finally divorced.BSDDay 2011
DD grown nowDD grown nowReconciliation was a mirage
J707 ( member #63778) posted at 11:41 PM on Tuesday, August 25th, 2020
Divorce sucks. But you know what sucks more? Living the way you are. I've been D for over a year and still paying things off from the M. But don't let financial things stand in your way of YOU being happy. You not living in this limbo of wtf are we doing? You can't wait for her to drop dead of natural causes. What is it that you want to do, that's the question and I think you know that answer. Is the only thing holding you back that she would get finances out of you? You know your financial situation the best. Sit down, write it out and see where you stand. See a lawyer and see where you stand.
Buffer ( member #71664) posted at 1:47 AM on Wednesday, August 26th, 2020
Well said J707^^^^
One day at time
Buffer
Chili ( member #35503) posted at 2:14 AM on Wednesday, August 26th, 2020
I'm familiar with this type of scenario. I had one who was happy to just sit there and do nothing and avoid dealing with anything. Total head in the sand. I really don't understand why people want to sleepwalk through their own lives.
Actually, in my situation, he would have been happy to stay connected financially as part of our business. I tried to make offers - he just kept saying no and stomping his feet without bringing anything to the table. When I got an attorney (who he avoided responding to for weeks), he had to tell him, "You can just sit there as long as you want, but you're not going to get paid a thing. We no longer require your services." So...I could have done that. Indefinitely. But it would have been horribly sucky.
So I paid him to go away.
Here's some things that went through my mind that could have gotten in my way:
1. Why should I have to do the heavy lifting?
2. Why do I always have to be the decider?
3. Why do I have to be the bad guy?
4. Screw him - he wants out of being with me so bad, be the one to stand up and say it.
5. Why does he get to act like the victim?
6. I don't want to give him a dime.
7. I don't want to pay all these legal bills.
8. I wish I could be avoidant too - this is such a mess.
So most of that stuff above? A lot of it was about my pride.
And yeah - I got screwed financially (and I'm not a man btw). But as my attorney advised me - paying him something and being done and recovering financially now is better than delaying it and still being attached to him in any way. It's been so true. Pulling the trigger was a real mental leap to make, but I was so relieved when I did. I knew there was no turning back.
As for her ambivalence - I would assume that you're going to have to be the one to act. Are you at the point where YOU are done (regardless of what is or isn't in her head that she's not sharing with you?)
2012 pretty much sucked.
Things no longer suck.
Took off flying solo with the co-pilot chili dog.
"Life teaches you how to live it if you live long enough" - Tony Bennett
Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 10:47 AM on Wednesday, August 26th, 2020
Men get screwed in divorce.
Do they? Says who?
I have seen so much of this on this forum. The only statement that even comes close to this one’s frequency is the claim that women get screwed in divorce.
Which one is it? Do women or men get screwed in divorce? Both can’t be true.
I’m going to be blunt here: I think the “I will get screwed in divorce” is a big excuse for inaction. It’s a fear-reflex.
In NC all property/assets earned while married is joint.
If your wealth came from before you married, you don’t need to worry – you just have to prove you brought it into the marriage. Something you should easily be able to do using tax returns and such.
If its wealth acquired when married, then you won’t get screwed because according to the marriage laws you willingly entered then all the time half its value was hers. I’m guessing typical gender-based roles here, but maybe the reason you could work +40-hour weeks might be because she took care of the kids.
Theoretically you don’t “lose” anything. It just becomes clear what your equitable half of the marital possessions are.
Divorce is a mathematical enigma: Somehow having 500 in your personal account feels less than having 1000 in a joint account.
Not sharing this to put you down. It’s just I think inaction is a terrible thing and generally due to fear. Fear is generally based on lack of knowledge or understanding. I think your statement of losing your wealth is one you grabbed to justify inaction. Just like your statement about her passing from natural causes is weak justification.
"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus
heartbrokeninNC ( member #72472) posted at 12:03 PM on Wednesday, August 26th, 2020
takethelongview, I'm in NC also and just got done with the Separation Agreement here. It all comes down to what you are willing to negotiate and compromise on. Everything worked out for me pretty good and she signed away on everything just so she could be with her AP faster. As Bigger said, we are a joint property state. Hire an attorney and see what you can do to get the ball rolling again. Divorce sucks and both parties are going to take a hit, that is a given but if she is not going to be the one to finish this up then take action yourself.
M-20 T-21DDay: 12/24/2019Separated: 8/22/2020D: 10/11/2021
Me: 52
"Always fear regret more than failure." - Author Unknown
It's time for another name!
blahblahblahe ( member #62231) posted at 1:37 PM on Wednesday, August 26th, 2020
You have been given the gift of time by her actions, you should have been using it wisely. If you have not, you should start immediately.
SuperDaddy1027 ( member #59344) posted at 3:17 PM on Wednesday, August 26th, 2020
I’m from NC as well. To recap my XWW had an affair, blame shifted, rewrote the marriage history, gaslighted and did not lift a single finger to sell the marital house, start the separation or file for divorce.
If you hang out on SI enough you’ll quickly realize, my story is not unique. Most waywards act this same exact way. They drop the atomic bomb on the family/marriage and then do absolutely nothing to help clean up the after math. It’s always the betrayed who are stuck cleaning up a mess they didn’t create or even want. It sucked, but I can tell you , for me, it was better than being married to my XWW.
I understand you may not have filed due to financial concerns. I still think it’s good to consult with a lawyer and find your options. Living in Limbo is not ideal.
99problems ( member #59373) posted at 3:45 PM on Wednesday, August 26th, 2020
I mean, if you have an indefinite amount of time to plan your exit, then by all means begin doing that!
Squirrel as much money away as you can.
Begin separating assets.
Get that lawyer cracking.
Get set up with living arrangements etc.
I wish I would have planned better and had more time. I did at least have a living arrangement set up and ready. I wish I would have set aside money.
But I'll make it. And at least I'm out of that horrible, soul-killing place.
Got me a new forum name!<BR />Formerly Idiotmcstupid.<BR />I am divorced, so not as much of an idiot now- 4/15/21,
The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 10:05 AM on Thursday, August 27th, 2020
Get her to sign a post nup giving up access to certain assets.
And then file when you are ready to D her.
[This message edited by The1stWife at 4:05 AM, August 27th (Thursday)]
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 12 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.
fooled13years ( member #49028) posted at 4:42 PM on Thursday, August 27th, 2020
takethelongview
Financial reasons related to the way divorce works in this state. Men get screwed in divorce
Complete the paperwork and prepare to file.
If she is financially sound with her own place she may be willing to sign the divorce papers and leave everything else the way it is.
As she hasn't been willing to talk about it you never know until you try.
I removed myself from infidelity and am happy again.
DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 5:19 PM on Thursday, August 27th, 2020
This is almost always the way. He cheated and used drugs, killing the marriage. I had to be the one to pack up and leave and buy another home. I had to be the one to file for divorce, while he tried to avoid being served. I had to pay for the divorce filing. The BS almost always has to do the heavy lifting after the WS wrecks the marriage. It isn't fair, but you're not alone.
[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 11:20 AM, August 27th (Thursday)]
DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).
takethelongview (original poster member #44822) posted at 3:37 PM on Wednesday, September 2nd, 2020
I was my children's primary care-giver, not her. And I was fully employed and put away a solid retirement fund.
I appreciate the responses, learning that many wayward spouses act like this is very helpful.
I gave her my offer to sign a separation agreement, pretty much required to get divorced here. If she wants better she has to take me to court. She asked for an unreasonable amount of time to respond, but oh well, at least she said she'd respond.
As most of you said, limbo is no way to live, so let's hope this is almost over.
Thank you to all that responded.
I am learning to abide. Tried to reconcile for 8 years. Separated 5 and finally divorced.BSDDay 2011
DD grown nowDD grown nowReconciliation was a mirage
Westway ( member #71747) posted at 7:01 PM on Wednesday, September 2nd, 2020
Are the two of you with other partners now?
Me: 52;
XWW: 50 y.o. serial cheater
Married 22 years, Together 24
2 Daughters: aged 16 and 20
DDay: 9/20/19
Divorced 12/03/20.
newlife03 ( member #56527) posted at 9:14 PM on Wednesday, September 2nd, 2020
Same story as most...xWH never wanted or bothered to file for D. I stayed around hoping for a miracle, but finally realized it wasn't going to happen. Cried when I signed the divorce documents, cried when they came in the mail indicating that the divorce was final. 10 years ago...never looked back!
Me - 50
Kids 25, 22, 18
1st DDay in 2006, 2nd in 2007
D in 2009
Happily Committed to SO since 2011
Outoflove2020 ( member #72682) posted at 3:33 AM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020
@DevastatedDee
This is almost always the way. He cheated and used drugs, killing the marriage. I had to be the one to pack up and leave and buy another home. I had to be the one to file for divorce, while he tried to avoid being served. I had to pay for the divorce filing. The BS almost always has to do the heavy lifting after the WS wrecks the marriage. It isn't fair, but you're not alone.
Never a truer word said. This is exactly what I'm working through with my therapist at the moment. It's the icing on a shit cake, it really is. That they put you through all of this and then still leave you to pick up their shit and deal with it yourself. So unfair.
DDay 1/15/2020.
Separated 3/1/2020
Still healing but in a better place
homewrecked2011 ( member #34678) posted at 4:08 AM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020
It could be that she’s taken on a ton of debt she doesn’t want to tell you about. Once you file, she’ll have to show all debts. In SC both parties are liable up to the date of filing. However, everything can be negotiated!
[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 10:09 PM, September 2nd (Wednesday)]
Sometimes He calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage, but calms His child. Dday 12/19/11I went to an attorney and had him served. Shocked the hell out of him, with D papers, I'm proud to say!D final10/30/2012Me-55
FamilyMan75 ( member #65715) posted at 5:16 AM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020
Have you at least talked with an attorney to get an idea? Because for all you know, she could be knee-deep in debt, and the longer you wait, the more likely you'd be responsible for half. Get legal advice, instead of just assuming.
Me: 48 WW: 37 (serial cheater)T: 18 M: 15 3DDs: 16, 6, 5 Reconciled
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