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Trying to finish what WW started - and did you ever feel...

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takethelongview posted 9/8/2020 12:59 PM

She was never financially irresponsible, she knows killing her own credit rating, even if it affected mine, would be idiotic. I am not very worried about that, but I do appreciate the warning. I'll keep an eye on that, thanks.

I have no idea what her relationship status is. I know she hangs out with some guy, I don't know if he is the AP or not. Probably, but do not know. She may be living with him, I have no idea and don't really care. All I know is that it's an apartment somewhere and she has a roommate - whether that roommate is her boyfriend or girlfriend (either is possible), no idea.

I have dated. I've had some relationships, they were all fine. They all ended for various reasons, no hard feelings. Dating one woman right now, it's good.

18 days to an answer.

src9043 posted 9/9/2020 19:42 PM

I would divorce her if I were in your shoes. She seems to be running the show. You are wasting your time hoping against hope. There is no law that the two of you can't reconcile after the divorce. I wouldn't recommend it, but that is up to you. Don't be a doormat. I assume she was unfaithful from your tone, but it is not absolutely clear.

Wanttobebetter posted 9/10/2020 09:48 AM

sorry but I have to ask what are your reasons for trying to reconcile. You mentioned you will reconcile if she is willing. I am not trying to be rude but it isn't clear if you still love her so much and willing to look pass what she did to you?

takethelongview posted 9/10/2020 11:41 AM

well the update is she is not interested in reconciliation. So ok.

we are negotiating divorce. So much for that.

Wanttobebetter posted 9/10/2020 13:11 PM

I am sorry it comes to this. With that being said, you are at least getting closure and not in limbo. Best of luck in moving forward with the D.

HalfTime2017 posted 9/10/2020 15:05 PM

"gently", by you waiting on her to let you know if she was willing to separate/divorce or reconcile, you probably just gave her another chunk of change (2.5yrs) that you probably put into your retirement.

Remember, most states division is 50/50 when there is a signed separation agreement, or someone files. The clock stops on either of those dates. By not going forward, you just gave her another 2 yrs of your retirement. It would have been less, but now its more. On top of that, if you were the primary bread winner, you can see why she was dragging her feet. She would get additional yrs of spousal support.

Unfortunately, I think she wasn't the only one that was dragging her feet and couldn't make a decision. You are a whole person as well, and you could have also made the decision to cut this limbo phase out. Why would you let her make the call if you are to R or not, when she is the one who cheated? That was entirely up to you.

I think you need to see this for what it is; you have been dragging your feet for a reason. No one knows that but you. When you responded above and said you would give her time to decide, why even give her another 18 days for an answer. What is it that you want Takethelongview. You have to be honest with yourself on that answer. Obviously she told you that she doesn't want to R, now the decision is made for you, but I think it would be helpful to you to talk about this with an counselor. You are not ambivalent about this past relationship. Something has caused you to pause your life to wait for a WW spouse to decide on what she wanted to do, to the tune of 2.5 additional yrs to your detriment. I would venture to guess that the additional 7 yrs prior to that you were just probably hanging on by a thread and rugsweeping like crazy to get that to work. Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm doubtful that I"m totally off base. I wish you luck, and hope that you can get the help you need to move on from this. Sorry if this was a 2x4.

takethelongview posted 9/14/2020 15:34 PM

In NC, once one of you abandon the residence, the separation has begun. All the negotiations we completed had that date as the date of record, so no, the 2.5 years won’t affect the settlement. Yes, I wanted my life back. I left the door open because I wanted my life back. I also left it open for religious reasons. But now it won’t happen, so ok. My life was not “on hold” in other ways...I got regular counseling and recovered a lot. Had 5 girlfriends. Bought and learned to ride a motorcycle. Bought her out of the house. But yes, I left open reconciliation because...I have a very cynical view of human nature, and her transgressions were, as we all know, typical. What could she do to me in the future, that someone else could not also do? These folders are full of second and third spouses that did the same thing. At least she would come with the benefit of half my retirement.

[This message edited by takethelongview at 4:44 PM, September 14th (Monday)]

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