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Just got dumped

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ff4152 posted 10/1/2020 18:49 PM

GTS

Please be careful. Your situation so reminds me of a woman I dated before I met my wife. She dumped me and I never really got a clear answer as to why.

For the longest time I thought we would get back together. We had some friends in common and I would hear snippets of things from time to time that would give me. Each time I was wrong and it crushed me that much more.

All Iím saying is, stop imaging that youíll get back together. Accept, at least for now that the relationship is over for good. Perhaps one day youíll get back together but until that day comes, stop looking for it. Focus on yourself and your healing.

longsadstory1952 posted 10/1/2020 18:49 PM

She could care less about sending you a secret signal. She a wants to go fishing.

Block her on FB. You donít need to know everywhere she goes, and what she likes.

GotTheShaft posted 10/2/2020 07:44 AM

Thanks Westway and ff4152. You both make great points.

longsadstory1952, ouch. I'm not following her FB posts, but she's commenting on posts that friends of mine are posting. You might be right about the fishing trip. Maybe I should give up hope for us to get back together. I just don't want to yet.

Catwoman posted 10/2/2020 09:54 AM

Maybe I should give up hope for us to get back together. I just don't want to yet.

I suspect you aren't giving up hope because you're comfortable in that space.

Sometimes our moments of greatest growth come when we have to get out of our comfort zone. I'm not talking about going out and dating, but about being alone, reconnecting with friends and old hobbies and coming to a point where you are okay with being single.

Right now, hope keeps you "back in the relationship." That's not truly where you are right now. The relationship is over. As tough as that is, it's reality. There may never be a time where she decides she really was wrong and she comes back.

I hate to see you keeping yourself in a place just because it's emotionally comfortable to you.

Breakups suck. No doubt about it. But they also open doors to new things and potentially things that we should have been embracing all along.

Cat

[This message edited by Catwoman at 9:55 AM, October 2nd (Friday)]

GotTheShaft posted 10/2/2020 10:21 AM

Wow, thank you Catwoman! That is great advice, and yes, I do believe there is a lot of truth to your statement. The relationship was comfortable, but somewhat stagnant, mostly due to the obstacles in her life (100% custody of her teenage boys + father with dementia and mother overstressed trying to care for him) as well as the issues that we both never fully communicated and addressed.

But it was comfortable and hopeful of a future when we had more time together. Unfortunately the relationship wasn't going to progress at the moment. So, maybe this is a good thing?

I'm certainly uncomfortable right now. Very uncomfortable because of the uncertainty. I'm not sure I'm worried about being alone, because dating the new girl for a week and a half showed me that I don't need to be alone if I want companionship. I think it proved to me that I truly miss my ex, although maybe I miss the ideal girlfriend that the circumstances in her life and in our relationship was preventing her from being towards the end?

It's just so damn hard to move forward. It's so damn hard to concentrate at work. It's so damn hard to not want to crawl into bed and sleep for a week.

I really appreciate everyone's support and advice. It feels like I'm going through my divorce all over again, except hopefully without the infidelity. Losing my best friend in this deal has also made things more difficult, as having him to lean on would certainly help my recovery.

Catwoman posted 10/2/2020 12:23 PM

The relationship was comfortable, but somewhat stagnant, mostly due to the obstacles in her life (100% custody of her teenage boys + father with dementia and mother overstressed trying to care for him) as well as the issues that we both never fully communicated and addressed.

I think it's easy to blame life for the failure of a relationship, and sometimes that's the case. However, when I talked about comfortable, I am talking about you feeling comfortable continuing to hope that the relationship will come back. I think at this point, more growth and healing might be had if you did wrap your head around the fact that it's done. She's still taking up rent-free space in your head and in your life, and that's going to interfere with said life.

But it was comfortable and hopeful of a future when we had more time together. Unfortunately the relationship wasn't going to progress at the moment. So, maybe this is a good thing?

I liken this to a long-distance relationship. At some point, you have to have a plan for it to no longer be a long-distance relationship. If not, it's going to linger and die, right?

Well, if you don't agree as a team to a short-term plan to get to a long-term place, you're not going to get there. And maybe there wasn't commitment on her part. Who knows. It totally sucks that she won't communicate, but that in and of itself should tell you something, right?

Time to close the book and move on, unfortunately.

Cat

GotTheShaft posted 10/2/2020 15:41 PM

Thanks Catwoman. I think you are right, and I need to move on. As much as I hate that option, it appears to be the only option at the moment.

Catwoman posted 10/2/2020 16:00 PM

If you keep trying to hold on to something that is no longer there, your hands will not be open for other things.

Cat

GotTheShaft posted 10/2/2020 18:58 PM

Thanks Catwoman. I will let her go. I canít control any other outcome.

WhoTheBleep posted 10/2/2020 21:10 PM

I'm not following her FB posts, but she's commenting on posts that friends of mine are posting.

Block her. You don't need to see any of her likes or comments.

Westway posted 10/3/2020 09:38 AM

GotTheShaft I have to tell you man, as a fellow dude, you need to stop the hoping and moping. First of all, you are making yourself look weak to her and her friends. And that in turn as bringing up a lot of shame in you. I can sense it in every sentence you write.

So the way you get past that is to throw everything about your life with her out the window. Just discard it all. Every pic, every text, every e-mail between you and her needs to be erased from your life. Unfriend every common friend who isn't really a friend you need. Strike her name off the obelisks. Then walk on with your head held high, knowing that you are an attractive and marketable man. This latest situation demonstrates that women dig you, so take solace in that, but don't give in to it. Like I said, do other things for yourself outside of dating.

[This message edited by Westway at 9:38 AM, October 3rd (Saturday)]

GotTheShaft posted 10/3/2020 13:19 PM

Thanks Westway! Iím finally reaching that realization. Ran into a woman today at my daughters dance team photos who I had dated back in 2017. We chatted for a bit, and it helped build up my confidence. I think Iím reeling more from the abandonment and fact that I was rejected by the ex, as well as the crazy behavior of my best friend, rather than the loss of the relationship. Donít get me wrong, I miss my ex too, but I know there were challenges in that relationship on her end mostly that werenít going to change any time soon.

Iíve been reading things and have discovered that I canít control winning her back, so i might as well decide to move forward instead. If she decides to change her mind, I can deal with that in the future if I even want to by that point. At this time, the fact that I canít control what she does should be enough for me to stop trying.

I do agree that Iím making myself look (and feel) weak by hoping and moping. Thatís going to stop now.

Iím going to continue to post on this thread as I progress. While I know this isnít necessarily infidelity, so many of the same feelings are connection with this rejection.

Chili posted 10/3/2020 13:59 PM

So I know this may feel really counter-intuitive right now, but maybe try re-writing the narrative playing in your head.

You feel abandoned and rejected and discarded. And some of that probably comes from how she handled this situation. But there it is. Would you now want to be with someone who handles big moments in life in a way that encourages someone else's feeling abandoned, rejected, and discarded? Wouldn't you want someone who handles their business a little better than that?

You also talk about how the relationship wasn't progressing and needed some issues addressed. With what you know now - how do you think that was going to go?

If you take off your idealization glasses for just a second - you'll maybe start to see that her opinion of you really shouldn't carry that much weight in the end.

Or maybe say - you know, we really weren't the right people for each other. There is no failure in that - it really is the case fairly often.

I know you got a little hit of confidence from seeing the woman you dated in 2017, but it's in the same lane of "I'm ok because someone else thinks I'm ok." Confidence, self-worth, strength, fabulousness, being enough - you have to be the one to know that deep in your own bones. No one can ever do that for you in any kind of meaningful way. And I'm certainly not trying to make it sound easy.

It took me years to get there (but I'm a really slow learner so there is that). Here's the thing: when you learn how to be your own cheerleader, self-soother, make-it-through the day person, feeling joy and sadness all by yourself, then you'll never make another person responsible for defining your self worth.

Each day alone you get under your belt you'll start to see how resilient you are. You'll be your own caretaker. And as others have mentioned, you'll discover brand new parts of pieces of yourself. You'll nurture new interests that have nothing to do with someone else's.

What's the longest period you've ever been on your own without a relationship of any sort - even dating?

(Sorry about the length - I got to rambling again).

GotTheShaft posted 10/3/2020 14:06 PM

Chili, you make complete sense. And I really havenít been alone much. Especially without dating. Probably the longest I have ever been alone without dating was when I went through my divorce from my WW. I was ďaloneĒ from January to the end of July 2016. So 7 months. Not exactly a long time, but it felt like ages. And I was preoccupied with my divorce. And I had my best friend helping get me out of the house and getting my mind off of things.

Brokenheart29 posted 10/3/2020 16:06 PM

Hi GTS,

Could it be that itís hitting you hard as xww is still ďgoing strongĒ with pos om. Itís the injustice of it all. It feels unfair that yet again youíve been let down while sheís still smugly in her big house and nice life with him. I still struggle if truth be told that my xwh is now living with ow and making a proper go of it after breaking up our family. I can imagine youíd probably feel the same. This breakup has probably brought back a lot of abandonment memories and pain.
Please let the current ex go. She hasnít treat you kindly and in life if someone canít treat you with kindness, especially someone you saw a life with, then they arenít worth youre time or your heart. Itíll take a long while to get over or at least not hurt. But youíll get there. Enjoy being on your own. Find a new hobby. Life is for living. Youíve got this.

GotTheShaft posted 10/3/2020 20:19 PM

Brokenheart29 I think that has quite a bit to do with it. I remember talking to my sister earlier this year (before my breakup) and lamenting about how challenging my relationship was with the issues my ex-girlfriendís boys, parents, and ex-husband vs. how much easier my xWW was able to blend families with seemingly no issues.

I think youíre right that the current ex girlfriend has not treated me well during this breakup. And I know I just need to move forward.

Marz posted 10/3/2020 21:20 PM

If you chase they move farther away

GotTheShaft posted 10/4/2020 10:54 AM

Marz, I think youíre right. But I really havenít ďchasedĒ much. She broke up with me 5 weeks ago. I texted twice that week after the breakup - once asking if she really wanted this or could we talk, and the other with a more sincere statement. Then I found her at the beach (on Labor Day Sunday when she booked a hotel room 5 buildings down from where I was staying and posted about it on a public Facebook post), and then I called to wish her brother in law a happy birthday that Following Thursday. And then the last communication I had was a voicemail I left that Friday (2 weeks post breakup) asking if we could get together for coffee and to talk.

Yes, it was a lot of attempts but hardly desperate begging and pleading. I suppose the beach visit could be construed as ďstalkingĒ, but really she booked a hotel room 5 hotels away from where she knew I was staying, and then she made her post about it public knowing I could see it. Really, who was stalking who?

I am not going to reach out again. I know itís only going to push her away, but I so badly want to. It just sucks.

The1stWife posted 10/5/2020 07:32 AM

you are looking for something from the X that isnít there. And never will be.

Honesty. Compassion. Understanding. All that stuff.

Letís pretend she agrees to meet with you. Then what? Do you think you will get answers to your questions or the truth? Probably you will get a bunch of lies and justifications for what she did.

How will that help you? It wonít.

Many years ago I dated a serial cheater. I had no idea but someone was nice enough to tell me. He insisted that we meet to ďdiscussĒ why I broke up with him. So I did. I listened to 25 minutes of lies and nonsense. He ďlovedĒ me and I was the one for him (I knew about the 2-3 other girls he was dating at the same time).

Point is I wasted my time and a liar and cheater isnít going to give you anything but more lies and crap.

Move on. Closure is YOU know the truth and YOU are better than her and a mediocre choice for a relationship.

GotTheShaft posted 10/5/2020 09:20 AM

Thanks TheFirstWife.

I'm just having so much trouble letting go. I don't know why this is hitting me so hard. I'm sure it is stirring up feelings from my divorce and xWW's infidelity - feelings of abandonment and rejection, a similar abrupt end to the relationship.

All I seem to be able to do is talk about it, read internet articles about it, and post about it. This isn't healthy. The relationship was far from perfect prior to the breakup. In fact, I came close to breaking up with her a couple times. But I can't see any of that right now. I'm stuck focused on the idealized version of her and the relationship that really wasn't the truth.

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