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Just got dumped

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Charity411 posted 10/5/2020 09:57 AM

Marz is exactly right. I have been on the other side of your situation. I had a EXBF stalk me for years. I am in no way equating your actions to the level of what I went through with him, I only want to offer a perspective on how your EXGF might be feeling.

She has a right to decide she no longer wants a relationship with you. The reason doesn't really matter all that much. I suspect that there is no reason she could give that would be met with acceptance by you, and she knows that. I suspect in her mind she has said all she has to say about it and she just wants to move on.

Some of your posts gave me flashbacks. If you look at the totality of your efforts, the message it sends is that you will not take no for an answer. I realize you haven't said that specifically, but its what she sees in your response.

You started by texting her the first week asking if she really wanted this. Clearly she did because she broke up with you. Your text to her sent a message that because it wasn't what you wanted, she couldn't possibly really want that. When that didn't work, the same week you sent a more "sincere" message. I'm not sure what that means, but I suspect it was a stronger effort at persuasion.

You seem to see everything she does as a secret message meant for you, to give you hope. And you have gone looking for those messages, you haven't just happened upon them. She has every right to post on friends' pages. But you seem to see it as her making a calculated effort to get your attention. If she wanted your attention she could just pick up the phone.

I can absolutely understand why she saw you approaching her at the beach as stalking. You seem to think that she either shouldn't have gone to the beach knowing you were going, or she shouldn't be posting stuff she probably routinely did, because you would see it. Did she make any attempt to see you at the beach? Wouldn't that have been a lot easier than sitting on a beach chair waiting to see if you'd find her? She wasn't stalking you. She went to the beach. She had been rebuffing your attempts at contact for weeks, so of course she was spooked when you approached her.

When I was at the height of my stalking situation, my stalker was calling my family members, he was calling my friends and he was trying to get information about me any way he could. He went a lot further than anything you have done and for a lot longer. While they slowed down, attempts to contact me continued for 18 years.

None of what he did made me want to rekindle the relationship. It had the exact opposite effect. The more he did the more uncomfortable and turned off I got.

I only point this out to you in the hope that you will see some of your behavior for what it is. You
may not see it for what it is given your grief over the loss of her. You think you are showing your love for her, but she sees it very differently. She has every right to end a relationship, as do you. It sucks but it is what it is.

GotTheShaft posted 10/5/2020 10:12 AM

Charity411, thanks. Harsh, but true, and I know you mean it to be helpful, so that's how I will take it.

It just hurts that 2-1/2 years are gone in a flash. I can't believe that she doesn't feel anything for me? But I understand what you are saying - me continuing to contact her is only pushing her farther away.

It's been over 3 weeks since I have tried contacting her, and I have decided that I won't reach out to her again. I'm trying to let her go. I'm just struggling with how to do that. It won't take me 18 years. I'm sorry you dealt with that.

GotTheShaft posted 10/5/2020 10:59 AM

Charity411, while it really doesn't change anything based on what you were saying, I did want to clarify a couple things:
1. the "beach stalking" happened only 1 week after the breakup.
2. She broke up with me over the phone, with very little explanation, and no discussion on a Friday night. She deleted me as a friend on Facebook the following night. I texted the day after that (Sunday) asking if this is really what she wanted, and if so I would move on, or could we discuss this. She easily could have responded "yes, this is what I want", and I would have left it at that.
3. The "more meaningful" text I sent 3 days later said that I had done some self reflection and realize that there were many things I could have handled differently in our relationship, that I let her down and that it breaks my heart, that I love her, and that when she's ready to discuss this, I'm ready to listen without getting defensive.
4. I went to the beach 2 days later - exactly 1 week post breakup. I still don't exactly understand WHY we broke up, so I wanted a conversation just to understand.
5. There are lots of beaches where we live. For her to know where I was and book a hotel room right there, then post it as "public" on Facebook, instead of just to her friends (in which case I wouldn't have even seen it) was a little weird.
6. When I approached her at the beach, I was calm and simply asked to talk. Her sister was with her and could have stayed while we talked. In retrospect, I'm sure she was spooked as you say, but that wasn't my intention. I couldn't know that she was right there - 1 week after our breakup - and not at least try to talk to her. I thought it was a romantic gesture.

Some differences in my relationship vs. yours is that from reading your profile, it appears your stalker boyfriend cheated on you repeatedly and treated you very badly, including ridiculing you in front of friends and family. I did none of those things. I don't know if you broke up with him in person or on the phone, or if you had a conversation with him at the time of the breakup? I was broken up with over the phone, little explanation, and no conversation. I also have teenage daughters who grew to love my ex, and I have come to love her teenage sons.

An abrupt breakup like this, when we had been talking marriage and everything sounded great when I left her house the night before our breakup, just is weird. That doesn't mean you're not right, and she's certainly allowed to break up for any possible reason she wants, but it just didn't seem to make sense to me. Not so much that I didn't agree with the decision to be broken up, but more that I was rather taken by surprise.

Even when I found her at the beach, she could have said "it's over, I have nothing more to say", but she instead told me that "this wasn't the right time to talk because she had been drinking" and that we could talk sometime soon. Since that was the last thing she said to me, the only thing that changed was the fact she texted my friend to say that I had come to see her at the beach. I didn't know if she use the word "stalker" or if he did.

I called her brother-in-law 3 days later (less than 2 weeks post break up), just to wish him a happy birthday. He asked how I was doing, and I told him I was taking the breakup hard. He encouraged me to reach out to her again, that he didn't think this was the end. That's why I tried one more time the following day - I had left a voicemail asking if she and I could get together to talk. If the brother-in-law hadn't encouraged me, I probably would not have reached out again - though I definitely would have wanted to.

So, I only tried for 2 weeks - 2 texts, one beach visit, 1 phone call to her brother-in law to wish him a happy birthday, and one voicemail to her the following day.

AnnieOakley posted 10/5/2020 11:26 AM

We understand where you are, at this point you have no choice but to move on in a healthy manner and focus on you. I recall that you spoke with your IC, I hope that you continue to work with them as you process this.

IMO, I would ask a MOD to lock this thread, you said you canít seem to stop posting about it...that does not seem healthy to me. That does not mean to just forget and move on!! Absolutely not, but you seem to be going in circles instead of taking steps forward to get yourself to a healthy, emotionally secure place.

GotTheShaft posted 10/5/2020 11:44 AM

AnnieOakley,

I was kind of hoping to use this thread as a journal of sorts. I appreciate the responses to my posts, and it's helped me get through the challenging moments of my days. I wouldn't want to lock that out.

Charity411 posted 10/5/2020 11:54 AM

GTS, as I said in my post, I am not comparing you to my ex. My situation was very different than yours.

I am merely trying to give you some perspective on what it feels like when someone will not take no for an answer. In my situation, once I finally got the self respect to break free of him, I made it abundantly clear why. I answered his constant questions about why over and over. I wrote it down for him. It did not matter. It wasn't the answer he wanted so he couldn't hear it.

I finally took a new job 140 miles away and moved. Within 6 months he bought a house 4 blocks from mine. None of it was to get closure. There was no closure for him. There was only his belief that we were meant to be together by fate.

Its not the frequency of your attempts at contact that concern me. Its that there are hints of that same insistence that you were meant to be together because you feel that way, and that she'll come around. And you seem to be using that to justify particularly the beach incident.

Yes, you are right, she could have said no to talking about it ever, then and there. But she didn't want to. She was enjoying herself at the beach. In fairness, you could have walked in the opposite direction and you would have never run into her. But you were trying to run into her. You said yourself that finding her there fed into your belief that you and her were meant to be. What that doesn't take into consideration is that she doesn't think so. There is no room for her opinion on it.

I've been where she is and to her you approaching her on the beach didn't look romantic, it looked intimidating. Especially since regardless of who was there with her, you wanted her to talk about right then.

We can try to compare details of every last thing that happened to me vs what happened in a three week time frame with you. They will never compare. But that's not the point. The point was what Marz said. That when you chase they run. I'm trying to give you a glimpse as to why.

GotTheShaft posted 10/5/2020 12:20 PM

Charity411, yes, I wasn't trying to compare my situation to yours in a "right" vs. "wrong" way. I was just saying that I was truly seeking something from her - closure or understanding. Sure, I don't want to be broken up, yet I respect that she does. I just wish she would have given me the conversation that it seems like you gave your ex. Instead I'm left wondering what the real reasons were.

Coupled with the fact that my best friend (who she was confiding in) has also seemed to abandon me, my thoughts went directly to them cheating, which I don't think is the case. But anyone on this site is pretty much programmed to go there in their mind.

Again, thanks for your insight. It's not something I would have gotten without this site. No books talk about the way you (and possibly she) feel. I truly appreciate your perspective.

newlife03 posted 10/5/2020 12:27 PM

if I could will the universe to allow me to find her and connect with her, even if she didn't want to talk at that point,

I'm not sure I understand the willing of the universe to make things happen...if it was the will of the universe to connect with her wouldn't there have been a positive outcome instead of the one you got?

And you're right, it does suck. Breaking up sucks. Not having a clear understanding of their feelings sucks. I agree with the others in that you should block her on FB, not for her benefit but for yours. Following her moves isn't healthy for you and could potentially lead to behavior that you may regret later one.

In the separation/divorce forum there's a thread where people post things they want to say to their ex's; no one replies to the posts, but it's a way to express what you need. I've used it a few times myself and found it helpful to release my thoughts there and avoid texting stbxbf after we agreed to give each other space. You could probably post your feelings there like a journal if you don't want replies but just vent.

ETA it's definitely in the Divorce/Separation Forum. Check it out!

[This message edited by newlife03 at 12:38 PM, October 5th (Monday)]

Charity411 posted 10/5/2020 12:39 PM

My mind didn't go there regarding your best friend. Because of my experience, I immediately thought he just doesn't want to be in the middle and he is probably uncomfortable saying so. So he just avoided you. I'm sure some of my friends felt that way. Its a cowardly way to handle it.

GotTheShaft posted 10/5/2020 12:42 PM

newlife03, I actually do like the replies too.

Yes, I willed the universe, but I didn't get the outcome I wanted. Maybe that means I didn't will the universe, and it was purely coincidental? Or maybe it means I got the outcome I needed, even if it wasn't the one I wanted? Who knows? Doesn't sound like I'll ever know for sure.

At the end of the day, I'm no longer in this relationship, and unfortunately I have likely lost a best friend of 36 years. "This sucks" is an understatement.

GotTheShaft posted 10/5/2020 12:45 PM

Charity411, he did tell me that he didn't want to get in the middle of it. And, I could understand her texting him about me finding her at the beach, because she knew he was on vacation with me. But when he texted me asking if I reached out to her brother-in-law (I wished her brother-in-law a happy birthday), he was putting himself in the middle of this. Either he could have told her to stop putting him in the middle, or he didn't need to text me anything about my contacting the brother-in-law. I didn't solicit advice from him on that.

Westway posted 10/5/2020 12:46 PM

I have no problem with a person ghosting a partner when they break up with them if that person deserved ghosting. In this case, you didn't deserve such crap treatment.

Your exGF has ghosted you and never gave you any kind of acceptable reason or explanation and that is why you are feeling so bereft and lost. If she would have sat down, like an adult, and quantified her exact reasons for breaking up with you, then you could have wrapped your head around them and processed them. But she didn't and now you get to spend years trying to figure it out.

After many months have passed you will start to move on, and if she ever does come back asking for a reboot, by that time you should have moved on emotionally.

GotTheShaft posted 10/5/2020 12:52 PM

Westway - EXACTLY!!! That's exactly right. So, how do I move forward? That's the million dollar question. I guess the first step, which I'm finally taking, is to give up hope for reconciliation. She's not coming back. That's a tough pill to swallow, because she hasn't actually said anything to me, so I don't know what she's thinking. But although I can't control her, I can control me, and I need to move forward somehow. That's step 1. And that's why this feels so similar to surviving infidelity.

newlife03 posted 10/5/2020 14:06 PM

So, how do I move forward? That's the million dollar question.

I think it's worth more an just a measley million personally!

I'm glad you enjoy the replies; as much as they hurt I enjoy them too, helps me feel like I'm truly not alone in this journey.

T/J: Is there a book you can suggest that discusses the willing of the universe? I'd like to learn more to understand but am not sure where to start.

GotTheShaft posted 10/5/2020 15:01 PM

newlife03 - The book I read is The Secret, by Rhonda Byrne. It's also a movie. It talks about asking the universe for what you want and then receiving it as if you already have it.

I reread that book the week leading up to the beach vacation, right after my ex broke up with me. I kept asking God/The Universe/whatever, to just send her to the beach, and then I would be able to talk with her and fix things. Please, just send her to the beach. I kept asking that all day that Saturday, and then Saturday night when I went back to my hotel room and looked at her Facebook page, I saw that she was at the beach! It was amazing!

Then, the next day (Sunday) I kept asking the universe to connect me with her. I didn't know she was definitely at the same beach until I decided to go for a walk that morning. If I had walked the opposite direction, I wouldn't have found her. Or if she was staying at a hotel in the opposite direction, I wouldn't have found her. But on that walk, I recognized the view that she posted on Facebook. So, I kept asking the universe to let me find her. After that walk early in the morning, I didn't look for her again immediately. First, I received a text from her son about football. Then I decided I would try to find her at sunset, because I figured she would be at the beach watching the sunset, and it would be more likely that I could find her. But at around 4pm, something possessed me to go right at that moment. The funny thing is that by sunset, it was raining, and if I had waited, I would have missed my opportunity. The universe was telling me to go at the time that I went.

Now, it didn't work out for me to actually get a chance to have a conversation. And, it appears that it backfired, as she texted my best friend about me going to see her. But, since he didn't send me a screenshot of the exact text, I can't know exactly what she had said vs. what he is interpreting. Maybe she used the word "stalker" or maybe she was just surprised that I found her and was texting him to ask her if he knew I was going to do that? Maybe she wasn't ready to talk yet, which is actually the first thing she said to me before saying she was with her sister. Maybe she was/is still angry but wants to talk yet doesn't want to appear that she's caving right away? Or maybe she wants nothing to do with me?

To me, if the universe had nothing to do with it, then it's very coincidental that it worked out for her to go to the very same beach I was staying at, and then post that information on Facebook in a "public" post, and then be outside on the beach (as opposed to at the pool or in the ocean) at the exact moment that I visited.

I could be reading too much into it, but then again, what if I'm not? What if that was supposed to happen exactly the way it did? What if it was supposed to show her (in a much stronger way than my 2 text messages) that I was fighting for the relationship? What if she really wasn't ready to talk yet, and she needs to get her own feelings in check first? What if she read one of those breakup books that tell you to do No Contact for a period of time? Maybe that period of time isn't up yet?

Or it might mean absolutely nothing at all, and it's completely over, and I just need to accept that? This is the path I'm taking now, since I can't control her. I need to let go and move forward. If she comes back, then I can worry about what to do then. Right now, I have to accept that it's over.

Westway posted 10/5/2020 15:48 PM

So, how do I move forward?

By simply accepting that her behavior is indicative of her immaturity, and that you dodged a bullet. Her actions are not the actions of an adult. She acted like a petulant teenager.

Imagine if you had married this woman not knowing that this is how she handles life? Imagine if the two of you married and three years in she just decides that you don't cut the mustard for her and dumps you out of the blue with no good explanation? It would be far, far harder to get over then as it will now.

[This message edited by Westway at 3:49 PM, October 5th (Monday)]

twicefooled posted 10/5/2020 16:01 PM

GTS, if she handles things this way into a 2.5yr relationship imagine how she handles things much further down the road?

If you've gotten zero response by now, you will probably never get a response. And unfortunately, you pursuing an answer puts you in the negative light and takes away from the fact that she completely ghosted you. THAT was her bad, not yours.

How do you move on? The same way you moved on from your marriage. Give yourself time to grieve, take care of your mental health, and keep the options open to find a wonderful woman that won't ghost you.

GotTheShaft posted 10/5/2020 16:07 PM

Westway and twicefooled,

Thank you! You are right. Those are great points. It's so easy to miss them when you're in the disbelief of the breakup. I would be giving the same advice if I were thinking clearly.

She definitely is acting immature and not the behavior of a woman worth my time. I need to keep reminding myself that.

Yes, I'm sure the process is similar to the divorce. I just tried to block that time out of my mind for the past almost 5 years. The fact that I'm going through it again stinks.

During the divorce, I had the infidelity to explain why the divorce happened. Now, I'm guessing, but I suppose I need to blame the fact that she was immature and didn't want to work on the issues (or even explain them).

twicefooled posted 10/5/2020 16:24 PM

"Now, I'm guessing, but I suppose I need to blame the fact that she was immature and didn't want to work on the issues (or even explain them)"

THAT is the answer right there. Even if she eventually gives you an answer, does it really matter? Would YOU have ignored her for this long? Probably not.

The best advice I was every given is that if I mentally keep myself in the wrong relationship that I will never be available for the right one. Anytime I've dated someone, I remind myself of that. I've been dumped, unceremoniously, before too. It really sucks. But in hindsight I'm glad it happened sooner rather than later.

GotTheShaft posted 10/5/2020 18:14 PM

Thanks twicefoooled. And thank you to everyone else who has helped during this. Iím going to continue to post until I reach the point one day when Iím over her and moving on. You all have helped me so much. While this is different from infidelity and divorce, itís still painful, and as someone else pointed out, itís another reminder of how my xWW seems to be living the easy life after marrying POSOM and successfully blending families, while I face another failed relationship (though not entirely my fault - I would have tried to work out the issues if I knew what they were.

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