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Just got dumped

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Catwoman posted 10/14/2020 07:42 AM

Yesterday afternoon I noticed she had unblocked me on Instagram. I donít know exactly when she did that because I hadnít looked for a while, but I think itís interesting that Iím no longer blocked.

Block her.

Seriously, she's just trying to see if you'll bite. It's kinda like trying to be a little bit pregnant--you are either in or out. She's trying to see how little effort on her part will get you to come running and dump all manner of ego kibbles at her feet.

Just don't. I'm not saying you should be mean or anything like that, but you do not have to sign up for more yo-yo-ing.

You know, I don't expect or require my SO to be mindful of my past in his interactions with me. I think that's almost a degree of mind-reading NO ONE can achieve. Do I expect kindness and empathy and understanding? Of course, but I expect it as a person and his SO, not as a former BS.

It might be helpful for you to remember that in future interactions. It's not about your past, it is about how you are treated in a relationship.

Cat

homewrecked2011 posted 10/14/2020 08:13 AM

Something just hit me: when I was dating my now xwh, he suddenly broke up with me. Actually he had moved some things into my apartment. I came home from work and everything of his was gone. Just like that. After a week or so he called, said he was afraid he was getting too close too quickly, made a mistake of moving out, could we try again? Ok, got back together, got married, have 2 great sons.

FF 15 years. ..... The POS got up from the dinner table, told the kids he was done and moved out that night. (I didnít know he was cheating at the time, he had started picking fights with me for no reason). My kids were devastated. Still are traumatized to some degree.
Anyway, people who canít legitimately express whatís going on, can throw us to the wayside after a2 1/2 year relationship!!
are probably going to do something similar later on.

blahblahblahe posted 10/14/2020 09:16 AM

Yesterday afternoon I noticed she had unblocked me on Instagram. I donít know exactly when she did that because I hadnít looked for a while, but I think itís interesting that Iím no longer blocked.

Block it, ignore it or plain run away from it.

She has told you who she is with her actions, you have better believe her, otherwise, the price shall be yours to pay.

GotTheShaft posted 10/14/2020 09:57 AM

blahblahblahe, I haven't done anything about it, and I'm not going to reach out to her again. But, I just thought it was interesting that she unblocked me. Maybe that means she's questioning her decision?

NorCalLost posted 10/14/2020 11:24 AM

((((GTS)))) I'm really sorry. I hope you were given some explanation or legit sense of closure at least.

I hope healing comes quickly. Hang in there.

Edited to add: I posted before reading all of the subsequent responses and your updates. Honestly, my first instinct was that she was doing something dishonorable and that THAT's the reason she ended your relationship.

I too was dumped over the phone, while working out of town, after a six-year second marriage. My ex knew how traumatic my first marriage and divorce had been. So many things about my first husband, he was critical of - and then ended up doing himself.

Then he gave me this inexplicable break-up speech on the phone. He'd "hit a wall" and didn't want to be married to me anymore. He denied that there was anyone else, but of course I later found out that he'd met another woman that very day. He'd wanted out of our marriage for a long time, but didn't want to be alone, so the very second he found someone else to keep him company he dumped me like a hot rock with little explanation.

Be open to the possibility that your ex does not belong on a pedestal of any kind. Even if she wasn't cheating, her ghosting of you and trash-talking about you behind your back post-breakup is dishonorable in and of itself.

You can and will do better.

[This message edited by NorCalLost at 12:13 PM, October 14th (Wednesday)]

Chili posted 10/14/2020 11:37 AM

GotTheShaft:

From someone who is going through a somewhat similar situation at the end of a 7+-year relationship...asking these kinds of questions:

Maybe that means she's questioning her decision?

...is just throwing yourself down the rabbit hole. The what if, whycome, what must she be thinking stuff is an exercise in spinning in place. You cannot resolve anything inside your own head and it keeps you from doing things to take care of your own self.

My current mantra is: I have nothing to work with. (Literally nothing except months of ghosting). And if we were to have a "closure" session, guess what - I still have nothing to work with after that except getting on with it without him. You too have nothing to work with.

I'm not telling you this as a get-over it message. As a fellow-traveler, I'm simply encouraging you to turn that energy inward and propel your own life forward. Think your own thoughts. Not wonder what hers are. Figure yourself out. Not her.

Don't get me wrong - I understand the wanting to understand and have the narrative make sense. A part of me is still stunned and terribly curious as to what the hell my STBX is thinking. But it's not going to change my course at this point and would be unhealthy for him to live in my head rent free.

GotTheShaft posted 10/14/2020 12:26 PM

Chili, thanks for your reply. How long have you been broken up and ghosted for? Everything you say makes sense about moving forward and forgetting her. Everyone agrees with that, and my brain agrees with that. But I still miss her terribly and want to get back together with her. It's insane, I know. I don't know why I'm hellbent on her, but I am.

I'm meeting a new girl for a quick drink after work. Not trying to rush things, but just as an attempt for me to keep moving forward. This is just so hard.

GotTheShaft posted 10/14/2020 12:29 PM

NorCalLost, thanks. Yes, I know you are right. Intellectually, everything you are saying is right. But I still miss her, and I still want to try to work things out with her. So stupid, I know. But, I'm not going to reach out. This is her mess, and it's on her to fix it if she even wants to.

Chili posted 10/14/2020 12:31 PM

I just wrote about my story in a thread here in the NB forums. Hang in there - the more you focus on you the more you re-train your brain.

newlife03 posted 10/14/2020 14:25 PM

I'm not telling you this as a get-over it message. As a fellow-traveler, I'm simply encouraging you to turn that energy inward and propel your own life forward. Think your own thoughts. Not wonder what hers are. Figure yourself out. Not her.

Don't get me wrong - I understand the wanting to understand and have the narrative make sense. A part of me is still stunned and terribly curious as to what the hell my STBX is thinking. But it's not going to change my course at this point and would be unhealthy for him to live in my head rent free.

Wow, I feel like this had been written for me!! I'm awful at the what if's and what's he thinking thoughts constantly throughout the freakin' day. My head needs a cleanse!

I agree with the others in that wondering why she's unblocking you could lead to you to believe she's changed her mind and wants you back. And the problem as I see it is, why would you want someone who treated you so coldly? I know, I know, the heart wants what it wants...I'm right there! Hang in there

ShutterHappy posted 10/14/2020 22:03 PM

GotTheShaft,

The short version of my story is that I D my WW, dated a bunch of women afterwards, got ghosted once (only after a few weeks but I think the principle is the same).

I think that once woman ghost you, or break up with some explanations then ghost you, itís simply that sheís simply no longer in love and sheís not interested in the sales pitch. She doesnít want to hear ďl can improveĒ, ďcan I have a second chanceĒ etc... She doesnít want to give a reason, and she doesnít want you to try to convince her otherwise.

Even if you convince her to stay, you end up in an unhealthy relationship where you love her, youíre afraid to upset her, and sheís more or less interested. Not good.

In an alternate universe, had she accepted to talk to you, and give her reasons, you would still be frustrated and heartbroken, because her reasons wouldnít make sense... so same result for you as ghosting.

Another woman that I dated, she didnít ghost me but she wanted to break up, and I asked for another chance and it just didnít work out, because her heart wasnít into it.

Youíll be fine. Just donít waste your energy for someone who is not into you anymore.

Alonelyagain posted 10/15/2020 06:38 AM

GotTheShaft

Growing up, I was best friends with two brothers who were way better with women than I was. One of them gave me some advice about what to do when a woman breaks up with you, that Iíd like to pass on to you. He said that you canít argue or force a woman into going back out with you, so instead of raising your voice or raising any counter argument, just calmly say, ďIím sorry that you feel that way, but if you change your mind, give me a callĒ, and nothing more. Over the years, Iíve used that advice a number of times, and Iíd approximate that about 50% of the time, the ex-gf called me back. It seems to me that youíre seeking an opportunity to counter argue your ex-gf back into the relationship with you, which, as you may be learning, is counterproductive. Anticipating your rebuttal that youíre just seeking the reasons why she broke it off, would you even believe any rationale she gives you at this point?

[This message edited by Alonelyagain at 7:15 AM, October 15th (Thursday)]

AnnieOakley posted 10/15/2020 07:03 AM

GTS,

2 x 4...So now you are going to meet another new woman? Really? Are you prepared for another anxiety attack?

Reverse the roles...would you want to date a woman that was writing or thinking 1/10 of the things about her ex that you are? She clearly wants to get back with him! She is not ready for someone new and is just looking for a distraction or a bandaid!

So unless you are going to be 100% honest... and tell this woman that you are still hoping to get back with your ex, you are wasting her time.

GotTheShaft posted 10/15/2020 09:23 AM

Thanks ShutterHappy and Annie Oakley.

ShutterHappy, you're right. There's nothing that she would have said that would have made sense or that I would not have tried to talk her out of, and at the beach I would have blamed myself and looked weak. I need to press forward. If she comes back, I can worry about that then. Right now, that's not an option that I have.

Annie Oakley, I need to keep trying to casually date - drinks or lunch. Nothing serious. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I can still process my emotions and also meet other people to help me move forward. I'm not ready to meet the next "perfect" woman for me right now. I'm still pining for my ex. But I can't sit home and wallow in my missing her. I need to get out and realize that other women are out there and might be a better fit for me.

Alonelyagain, good advice. It's a little too late for me to do that, but I haven't reached out in 5 weeks, so I'm sort of doing that.

ShutterHappy posted 10/15/2020 11:59 AM

GTR, those are ďlesson learnedĒ, specifically for those of us that didnít date much before getting married to our cheater.

After I got ghosted, I did send one last email asking her to reconsider. I now cringe thinking about that. How embarrassing and needy. Good! Let the cringing continue because... Iíll never do this again!

BTW, Iím now married with my ďreal wifeĒ. Another lesson learned: itís not supposed to be difficult. She is attached to me, Iím attached to her. Iím not supposed to convince my partner to stay with me. Same for her.

GotTheShaft posted 10/15/2020 14:32 PM

Thanks ShutterHappy. My relationship with the ex-girlfriend was very easy in the beginning, and then everything in her life changed. After about 6 months, her ex-husband stopped taking their sons, leaving her with 100% custody. Then things changed at her job which added stress to her (and to our relationship). Then her sons became increasingly more disrespectful towards her. Then, her parents moved from a city 100 miles away to our city, and she realized how bad her father's dementia actually is. Then Covid hit, and she had her boys 24/7 as they couldn't go to school, and that was very challenging for her.

That's a lot of change in the relationship.

I'm having a low moment right now, and I really miss her.

lieshurt posted 10/15/2020 14:43 PM

*** posting as a member ***

I'm still pining for my ex. But I can't sit home and wallow in my missing her. I need to get out and realize that other women are out there and might be a better fit for me.

I would be so pissed off if a man used me this way. I would not want to spend it with a man who's still pining for his ex. My time is valuable and if I make the time to see you, then you'd better be serious about wanting to meet me and not because you just want to kill time. You can spend your time doing other things if you don't want to sit home and wallow.

GotTheShaft posted 10/15/2020 19:56 PM

Lieshurt, I understand what youíre saying, and Iím sorry if Iíve upset you. However, you canít expect to go into a first date off a breakup or divorce expecting to be 100% healed, and you canít expect every date to lead to marriage. Have you ever interviewed for a job that you werenít 100% sure you wanted to accept?

The girl Iím going out with next week told me that sheís 7 years older than me and doesnít typically date men my age. But she thought I was good looking and said sheíd like to meet me even if it doesnít go anywhere beyond one date (because of my age). She looks at least 15 years younger than she is. Should I be mad about her ďwasting my timeĒ? Iím looking at this as a low pressure date to just go out and have fun, which is probably the same approach we all SHOULD take even when we are 100% healed.

AnnieOakley posted 10/15/2020 22:39 PM

I donít expect every first date to lead to marriage, but I do expect you to be emotionally ready to date. Period.

She was honest about the age difference.......try being honest about the fact that on a daily basis you are pining away about your ex and debating if since she unblocked you on Instagram......what that means......since you are still connected via her social media. Give her the option if she still wants to go on a date.

Iím in the hard no camp. In fact, hell no.

ETA and a job interview is not dealing with human emotions so you are going to need a better analogy/justification/excuse on that point.

[This message edited by AnnieOakley at 12:50 AM, October 16th (Friday)]

lieshurt posted 10/16/2020 07:39 AM

***again, posting as a member***

Lieshurt, I understand what youíre saying, and Iím sorry if Iíve upset you. However, you canít expect to go into a first date off a breakup or divorce expecting to be 100% healed, and you canít expect every date to lead to marriage. Have you ever interviewed for a job that you werenít 100% sure you wanted to accept?

Hmmm...I expect that the man isn't pining for his ex and has emotionally healed before asking me out. Nobody should have to be "filler" until you deal with your issues.

You are just coming up with justifications for poor behavior at this point.

And, I agree with AnnieOakley. She's spot on.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:42 AM, October 16th (Friday)]

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