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Just got dumped

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Chaos posted 9/3/2020 12:41 PM

She should give you the decency of response.

The fact that she didn't [barring emergency] sadly tells you what you ultimately need to know.

BobPar posted 9/3/2020 12:42 PM

Maybe start the process of detaching. Keep your "energy" and spend it on yourself rather than trying to use it to get her back. Sending another message, worrying or obsessing could be an attempt to control the situation in the face of uncertainty. Work through it. I'm sorry you are hurting.

GotTheShaft posted 9/4/2020 10:19 AM

Still no response. And I noticed this morning that she has deleted all of the pictures of us from the past 6 months, dating back until February of this year. Not looking good.

I'm not ready to surrender, but the writing is clearly on the wall. At this point, it's going to take divine intervention.

I don't know what more I can do. It's in her court, and it's in God's hands right now.

newlife03 posted 9/4/2020 11:36 AM

I don't know what more I can do. It's in her court, and it's in God's hands right now.

This is just it. I agree and am in the exact same boat as you. SO hasn't officially "broken up" with me yet, but we agreed to a break, and I think the break up is imminent. It's very hard to not reach out thinking that anything we say can make a difference. Truth is, if they've checked out there'e nothing we can do but detach as BobPar suggested and live your life like everyone else says.

We'll be ok! Just keep coming here and know you're not alone.

ff4152 posted 9/4/2020 11:42 AM

While there is no context for why the R ended, I would agree and say you should move on. I would not recommend reaching out to her again as your last message clearly states how you feel. Perhaps in time she will reach out but I wouldnít hold my breath.

Unless the breakup/last conversation was truly horrendous, I also think she owes it to you to at least respond one final time.

My heart goes out to you. Breakups suck. Mourn the loss and move on. Getting yourself stuck wonít do you any good. She may realize that she misses you and wants to try again but itís in your best interest not to hope for that.

Best of luck to you.

babypuke posted 9/4/2020 11:55 AM

She ended it abruptly for no clear reason and now refuses to have contact with you and to explain, this after 2,5 years, take your loss and go and build a new and better life because there is nothing to win here, you should not even want to be with such a person anymore man.

This also happened to me once, found out later that while I was hurting she was partying with new guy, that explained it all to me.

Whatever the reason, some people just drop you, even after 2,5 years, better go and build a new life for yourself and next time pick a better and more decent one.

Strength!

NeverTwice posted 9/4/2020 12:56 PM

GotTheShaft,

Man - that really sucks I am so sorry - that is a significant amount of time and investment to come to such an abrupt end.

Stay strong!

[This message edited by NeverTwice at 12:57 PM, September 4th (Friday)]

Phoenix1 posted 9/4/2020 13:07 PM

Don't expect a response. Ghosting is a very real thing in dating, no matter how long you have been together. It's disrespectful, juvenile, rude, robs the other party of closure, and just shitty behavior. But it is now the norm, not the exception from what I've seen.

Her lack of response is her answer. Listen to it and move on. She's telling you everything you need to know, but you're not listening.

I get it though. It sucks and I'm sorry. My SO of 6.5 yrs broke up with me out of the blue earlier this year. It is what it is. Give yourself time, then pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and continue on. It's her loss.

blahblahblahe posted 9/4/2020 21:16 PM

And of course there was no infidelity to point to, so Iím trying to piece together what was truly responsible

2.5 years with a sudden ending without warning? Odds would would favor another party in the game.

GotTheShaft posted 9/8/2020 10:16 AM

Phoenix1 I just sent you a PM. Would appreciate your thoughts on what I sent you.

Lalagirl posted 9/8/2020 12:26 PM

And of course there was no infidelity to point to, so Iím trying to piece together what was truly responsible

IDK...2.5 years and she offers you no explanation?

She ended it abruptly for no clear reason and now refuses to have contact with you and to explain, this after 2,5 years, take your loss and go and build a new and better life because there is nothing to win here,

^^^This.

I'm so sorry, GTS; you did not deserve this.

WornDown posted 9/8/2020 13:45 PM

Oh, man that happened to me (2 years to the day). It's brutal.

In someways it's been worse than with the ex - at least with the infidelity and fighting, etc. there was a build up to me knowing it was over.

Just waking up one day and never seeing that person again? Especially when they TELL you they never want to see you again...It's a real gut punch.

But, like infidelity, you WILL get through it. Keep putting one foot in front of another.

Kintsugi posted 9/8/2020 14:51 PM

GTS, I'm feeling your pain, literally. I'm nine weeks out of a 3.5 year relationship. I've read everything and watched every video on the different approaches to getting an ex back. I'll share some of the best practices I was able to mine.

I'm curious, what transpired just prior to the break up? Was there an argument? How have you two been leading up to it? Happy? Fighting? What was your gut telling you, anything? In my case, I said twice in the weeks leading to my break up during arguments, "something is off." I never asked her what it was, but I felt it.

If it is truly an out of the blue break up over a fight EDITING TO ADD unless there is someone else, you have a better chance than if something was brewing and she had time to think about, plan and execute at the right moment. In my case my ex thought about and planned it for months. Everything was text book in the break up and then in going no contact, the wording of emails about "the reasons," pulling her social media, blocking me....everything. I knew we were off leading up to the break up, and I now know much of it was her already detaching from the relationship and I think ultimately picking fights as a means to an end.

Do not contact her any more. I learned this the hard way and made many mistakes. It was already over in my case regardless, but it does push them further away when you pursue. I lost self respect in doing so. Let her contact you, and when/if she does, go slowly in your response. Feel her out. Listen. Be careful you don't take her back too fast. Be cool like Fonzie. Remember, you are the prize and you have a lot of options available to you. Remember your value. Don't lower your value within yourself, and in her eyes by over pursuing, pleading or bargaining. It won't work. If it comes to this and she does reach out and wants the break up, tell her you disagree and you don't want that but you respect her decision and then GIVE IT TO HER and go silent. She needs to experience and feel the break up and your absence. If she can leave once, the next time will be even easier and she has to be the one to come back to you. And remember, don't show your pain. Be confident and have an underlying subtle demeanor/attitude without being rude that if you have to lose her, you'll be ok, it's a big ocean out there. Wish her all the best.

Remember, men think logically and women tend to be more emotional (hope I said that right). Meaning, you won't be able to reason your way back with her. If she has checked out, she has potentially lost emotional attraction/connection with you. The only way to deal with this is to accept it, and go no contact until she comes to you, and not a moment sooner. Nothing you say will change this.

In my case, my ex currently wants nothing to do with me.... from engaged to radio silence in almost a blink of an eye. She didn't share or communicate things she wasn't happy with, wouldn't work on anything, instead, just decided to leave saying she didn't see a future with me.

Yup, I think this one hurt more than anything involving infidelity. At least you had anger to fall back on with that. The straight up break up just rips you're heart out and you can't do a damn thing about it other than to give them the space they told you they want.

It's a daily struggle to stay the course. I keep telling myself this had to be a blessing and to keep her off a pedestal, remembering she didn't communicate her concerns to me and worst yet, try to fix them. I've since learned through my learning and research why this is. She lost emotional attraction for me and working on things after the break up was no longer a priority or desire. NEXT!

[This message edited by Kintsugi at 4:58 PM, September 8th (Tuesday)]

GotTheShaft posted 9/8/2020 16:05 PM

Kinstugi,

Pretty much that was it. We didn't see each other the first 6 weeks of COVID, because she was able to finally get her boys to understand the severity of the virus. She figured if she got them to not fight her to hang out with friends, she would be a hypocrite if she and I hung out. After 6 weeks, we decided to start getting together. Unfortunately, I think the 6 weeks without me led to her overthinking everything in the relationship.

There were 2 main issues for her - both of which I believe were her insecurities. One was an intense jealousy of other women, which I never put myself in a position where I was alone with another woman at work, at lunch, or whatever. The other hangup was an issue her mother experienced with her dad revolving around her mother not being able to reprimand her half-sister. Neither of these issues surfaced in our relationship until a couple weeks ago, when they both (weakly) arose. In both cases, I had done the right thing, but evidently she still had concerns. She cited one of those issues as "the last straw" but said she felt like she hadn't been "in the relationship" for a while (probably dating back to April when she was overthinking).

This past weekend she was supposed to be at the beach with me and a bunch of friends this weekend. Her kids were supposed to join us - mine were at their mom's. Anyhow, I went alone. On Saturday night, she posted to Facebook that she was at the beach and added photos. I thought that was odd. Sunday morning I took a walk down the beach as I was awake before the rest of the folks in our group. On my walk, I recognized the photos she had posted. She was 5 buildings down the beach from me. She had deleted me as a Facebook friend, so in order for me to see this post, she had to set it to Public rather than the default of just posting to her friends. She wanted me to see it.

Later that afternoon, I decided that I couldn't sit tight knowing that she was 5 buildings away, so I walked down to the hotel she was staying at, and I saw her and her sister sitting in beach chairs on the beach. I walked up and said hello, and she replied fairly friendly. I asked if we could talk, and she said "right now?". I said yes, and she said she wasn't ready to talk right now, she was with her sister. Her sister offered to go look for the sister's husband, but my girlfriend told her not to leave. I asked if she could give me just 5 minutes, and she said she had been drinking all day, and this wasn't the right time to talk. I asked if we could talk sometime soon, and she said we could, so I walked away feeling hopeful.

Then yesterday morning, one of my best friends who was also with me at the beach told me that she texted him Sunday night to tell him I had found her on the beach. He didn't screen shot the text to send to me, so I don't know what to believe, but he said she told him she didn't want to talk to me, and that it's over. He told me I shouldn't have gone over there and "stalked" her. I was floored. I didn't consider what I did to be "stalking". I'm not sure if he's hiding something, or if he wants to date her (he just started dating a woman 3 months ago that he seems to really like), but something is definitely not right. Every one of my friends besides him believes that she is acting immature and overreacting about everything. He's the only one who doesn't think it's odd that she won't talk with me.

Jambomo posted 9/9/2020 07:23 AM

If sheís going down the stalking route because you see her at the beach then I would absolutely go no contact with her completely. Thatís a serious thing to accuse someone of and itís something that could easily get out of control.

Itís hard when you were together quite a while but at this point you ought to be getting angry, she has treated you badly here in just leaving with no explanation and sounds like she is really immature. You are best to cut her out and work on yourself, in the same way as with finding out about infidelity, eat well, go to the gym, drink water.

Donít go anywhere she will be but if you do see her, donít engage with her. Itís not how I would normally be in a break up but you want to protect yourself from escalating accusations and the best way is by being obviously nowhere near her.

ff4152 posted 9/9/2020 07:31 AM

I guess I have to ask, why did you feel the need to confront her at the beach? She ended the relationship, did not reply to your texts, blocked you/unfriended you on SM, what more do you need to understand she doesnít want to be in a relationship with you?

Read what Kintsugi wrote and then read it again. Tape it to your fridge and read it every time you open it to get some milk. The ending of a R sucks but pursuing it and her is only going to cause you more pain. Especially if she decides to slap stalking and harassment charges on you.

Anna123 posted 9/9/2020 09:41 AM

^^^^^^^^Ditto^^^^^^^

Sorry this happened. Time and thinking clearly about it will heal you. At this point, if she does 'come back', it would very likely be out of habit, and your availability, until whatever thoughts lead her to break up with you this time cause her to disappear again.

Your comment about feeling bad about the kids is a good reminder to all of us (myself included) of the reason it is best to keep children out of the dating picture as long as possible. Uggh. So sorry.

Kintsugi posted 9/9/2020 10:16 AM

GTS, it's easy to understand why you went up to her at the beach. IMO most guys would have done the same thing. My "stalker" moment was showing up at a recovery group meeting during no contact knowing my ex would be there. Not one of my brighter moments. So in the scheme of things, put it behind you. We do these things ultimately for us, right or wrong. You to open communication lines, me for recovery support. We're hurting.

One thing I learned being recently thrust into single life is even as an adult I'm personally woefully unskilled in single-dom / breakup dynamic. The last time I was broken up with other than nine weeks ago was in 1989, 31 years ago. For the most part I've been in two long term marriages, and a LTR post last divorce. I simply haven't honed dumpee (vs. dumper) skills and it's easy to make mistakes. I initiated both of my divorces, and again IMO, at the onset especially the divorce dynamic is very different than a break up.

One of the realizations I've recently made is that a primary mistake I make is approaching a break up from the same perspective and mindset as that which both people have during a relationship. The minute the break up occurs the rules of the relationship change. The dumper via the break up has abandoned the former relationship rules. The dumpee may tend to still approach the break up adhering to the former relationship rules, taking liberties that were perfectly acceptable during the relationship, aka, going to talk to her at the beach. Unless the dumpee adapts quickly to the new rules brought on by the break up, they will make "mistakes" in the break up and it's easy to do this. You love and care for this person and you are FEELING the loss and you want them back. You're in panic mode while they are feeling relief and maybe satisfaction having finally gotten the courage to pull the tigger. Now they can enjoy their new freedom. Remember, she essentially "murdered" the relationship.

I've had to ask myself was I truly happy in my relationship prior to the break up. The answer is no. I was just as frustrated as she, but for my own reasons. Could it have been saved? Yup, but that takes two. So you have to ask yourself, why would you want to be with someone who is so willingly able to discard a LTR and just walk away? We shouldn't. We should let them go. It's their loss.

With each reach out to her you will feed her ego, validate her decision in her mind and push her away. Go no contact my friend. You got this. But I have to tell you, it is HARD. Probabaly one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, which is why I made many mistakes having not been able to shed the mindset I had during the relationship and accept the new reality. Flip the switch.

Stay strong. This is a blessing, one day you'll see it.

Edited to add: While you're not officially in "No Contact" I'd recommend you treat it that way. Learn the rules of No Contact, and you may want to advise your ex you need it to get your thoughts together. Men and women react to no Contact differently so it can be risky. But really, what do you have to lose? One of the better resources I found was "The Art of Love" podcast done by Lucia something or other. Google and listen to the youtube videos. They are excellent and cover a host of issues.

[This message edited by Kintsugi at 12:01 PM, September 9th (Wednesday)]

GotTheShaft posted 9/9/2020 14:37 PM

Thanks Kinstugi. I think you've hit the nail on the head. It just really hurts. And her not giving me an answer either way really makes it worse. Why tell me at the beach that she would be willing to talk "soon" and then text my friend that she doesn't want to? Why not tell me when she saw me? Or text me herself? So immature and cruel.

Kintsugi posted 9/9/2020 16:17 PM

Duplicate

[This message edited by Kintsugi at 4:26 PM, September 9th (Wednesday)]

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