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"I just want you to be happy"

tellmewhy posted 9/12/2020 12:58 PM

This is what fWH said today - and has said anytime I need to discuss details of my leaving.

Is this a form of manipulation? Through my own research and reading, I really believe fWH is a narcissist - great at controlling and manipulating people and situations, little to no empathy.

When he says that, I feel guilty and like I need to explain myself and then I get pissed off at myself because I know he hasn't been willing to do the work to heal the marriage.

We've been to 2 different MC's and he's charmed both of them into thinking he's such a great guy who is trying his best and that I should try to understand him!

Is this how narcissists work??

Anna123 posted 9/12/2020 13:38 PM

Yes. Spot on. All of that and a bag of chips. And then you see him at his 'best' with others and think what a lucky woman you are to have him------

tellmewhy posted 9/12/2020 15:03 PM

Exactly! Then I feel guilty that I'm not seeing and appreciating this wonderful side of him - but it's mostly because he doesn't show me that side.

OwningItNow posted 9/12/2020 15:12 PM

Yep. Total manipulation.

How did you deal with this manipulative side during the M? You must have had a bag of tricks. They love to be horrible while claiming to be wonderful and then play the victim card. Down is up, up is down, and if you put a stop to it, they "just want you to be happy."

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 3:14 PM, September 12th (Saturday)]

leafields posted 9/12/2020 20:11 PM

Oh, yeah. I even got the, "I just want what will help Lea to be healed. If that means D, then that's what we need to do." He's so noble...even willing to sacrifice the M. (So why do it again when I said another would be the end?)

Have you watched any of Dr. Ramani's videos on YouTube? She says there's a high rate of narcissism and sociopathy in infidelity.

That is how narcs work. And it doesn't really help to call them on their bull, because they are rarely interested in changing themselves.

learningtofeel posted 9/12/2020 22:42 PM

It wasn't until I was out on my own that I really started to see how this works. It's really, really hard to learn your way out of that narrative. It's so hard to believe YOURSELF. But time will help, and distance. I am amazed now about what I put up with - because I just didn't see it. Now I do, and slowly I'm developing new understanding about how the manipulation worked, and how I also contributed to it. Learning how to not do that again! Hang in there.

Anna123 posted 9/13/2020 08:58 AM

but it's mostly because he doesn't show me that side.

Yeah, so sad. It's like the famous actors that seem so deep, caring, and wonderful and everyone loves them, but you hear about what shallow jerks they are in real life.

Stinger posted 9/13/2020 09:26 AM

Most of their abuse goes on behind closed doors, at home. They are incredibly attuned to outsiders' perception of them, so they put on an act.

This concern with the outside world seeing them as perfect is why they often rage at family members behind closed doors when they think you have done something that reflects poorly on them. They view family as more extensions of themselves, put on earth to help them portray themselves as perfect.

Once you are out, you get more than clarity about what you were dealing with, but it is a gradual,healing from their brainwashing.

LadyG posted 9/15/2020 14:25 PM

Yes, STBXWH repeated those words over and over...

As soon as I moved out, ‘to try to find happy’ the mask came off.

Be prepared. The only thing worse than being married to a narcissist is trying to Divorce one.

tellmewhy posted 9/15/2020 14:50 PM

I'm now getting the full-court press from him because we're talking with a divorce mediator. All of a sudden he wants to talk every night and doesn't want me to leave and he loves me so much, hasn't really understood what I needed from him to heal the M, etc. Last night he said "if you make the decision to leave I'll keep doing this until you walk out the door and I'll know I did everything I could to keep you here."

D-Day was 10 years ago!! And he believes a few weeks of make-nice will be enough to convince me to stay but then he can tell people it was all my doing.

I woke up at 5 this morning thinking about how he is so good at controlling and manipulating me. I feel guilty, I feel I have to explain my reasons

OwningItNow: How did I deal with this during M??
Unfortunately I completely bought into the "isn't he wonderful" that everyone saw - and beat myself up constantly for not being happy and not being "good enough" as he was quite willing to tell me what I "should" be doing.

Leafields: Thanks - I watched one of Dr. Ramani's videos and intend to watch the full 30 days.

learningtofeel: Right now, I don't believe in myself and I wonder if I'll ever know what a healthy relationship looks like.

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