I'm sorry, this topic has probably been covered lots over this site, but I'm about to ask again because I couldn't find anything... that's on my addlebrain. Addlebrain also doesn't lend itself to brevity or actual sense either... forgive me :/
My WH's brother and sister-in-law are coming for lunch tomorrow at my invitation. I am sharing with them what's been happening in our home for the past few years, and what is about to happen in the near future.
WH is a lifelong porn addict, which I didn't know for more than twenty years (until it caught up to him physically and, well, that's kinda hard to lie your way out of). Until almost two years ago he was addicted to weed (yes it is possible, just like most viewers don't get addicted to porn, most people who smoke a joint don't get addicted either... But when they do, have mercy on whoever has to live with it). I always knew he was a smoker but never identified problems until asking him to give it a break for health reasons. He couldn't stop, we spent the next few years with him gaslighting and torturing me with lies, I forced him into NA somehow, he half-asses the program but somehow he's about 17? 18? months clean. I only know that because I still randomly drug test him. Last time was two weeks ago.
Anyway, ugh, more backstory. My family knows about both addictions because I told them. They are supportive of him getting treatment and us remaining married. They believe he is a good man with problems that can be overcome if I'm just patient enough (sigh). FWIW, my parents had a nightmare of a relationship until retirement when I think my father must have acquired brain damage and ceased to be abusive somehow. She is the walking epitome of Stockholm syndrome.
His family knows nothing about anything. His parents are deceased, he has a sibling in the US, another sibling in Hong Kong, and one sibling (brother) in the city where we live in Canada. They are only arm's length close, emotionally, due to WH having FOO issues he never dealt with. We see each other for holidays and occasionally to see the kids. I know they love him, but they are completely clueless about him and would be the first to say so. They love him but WH has never given them the chance to have a relationship (big age difference, didn't really grow up together).
Like a lot of addicts WH would rather keep everyone at arms length so never the lies shall meet.
Well tomorrow that changes. I asked them (brother and his wife) to discuss something important about WH, which would be the first conversation of this kind in 25 years. I am disclosing to them everything I have told my own family.
I am tired of keeping secrets and by proxy absorbing all blame for people being estranged (I'm bipolar and other stuff, have been in and out of hospitals and treatments, and poor WH has looked after this broke crazy lady for 25 years is pretty much the narrative).
Keeping his secrets has left me completely isolated and now barely even in contact with my own family. It is making me far more sick than I should be on seven medications. Keeping his secrets has kept him sicker, too, and kept him away from the only people left on earth who love him and would support him besides me.
I don't want to give too much detail. It isn't important. I am struggling to find the best way to make the mud clear without creating any unnecessary drama or self-imposed stupid crisis.
I don't want them to be estranged anymore over lies. If they're going to hate each other they can do it for proper reasons!
I know I might be inserting an agenda that isn't my place. I also know I've lost sleep knowing that when I leave, he has no one left. As angry as I am, I still love him. I still think of him as my own family. As I close my door, even for six months if that's all it is (yeah right), I want to open a window for him. Another chance to be someone he is actually proud of. Because he sure isn't right now, and the point of all this isn't to shame him, it's to show him he is already enough to accept help and kinship.
I don't fear he will trash me or my reputation or whatever when I leave. That would embarrass him. And even if he did, it wouldn't really impact my life much anyway, since there's pretty much no one left to trash me to. Also, I've lived all these years knowing people already see me incorrectly, why would I start caring now lol?
I feel like after letting all these secrets go, real life can begin again. They won't be my burden anymore. I feel not like I'm passing the burden on, but like I'm blowing open a hole in a wall that should never been built. Like I'm letting sunshine in to his life AND mine. It feels scary but peaceful, just like the thought of being alone feels.
It feels like the right thing to do even if it's only for me - I get to be authentic even if they don't accept what I have to say.
Anything truthful feels so very good right now. I have thought a lot about if I'm just doing this out of being sick of his behaviour, or frustration, or some weird revenge. It doesn't feel like "that" kind of satisfaction though. It feels like a parting gift, the last offering of help or hope that I have for him (for him, not us).
Has anyone ever done this? Told WS family before you left, even if only temporarily? WH knows this is scheduled and has been invited to attend if he would like. He did not say "don't do it", but he also didn't say he'd attend. I don't know if it matters anyway, my words are still the same.
I feel really really nervous about HOW to say some things. It's a lot easier to talk about the drugs than the porn. I want to convey that this is an issue going all the way back to when brother-in-law's boys are now... that he was a kid who really needed help but never told. BIL is now raising two boys he adopted from a seriously abusive home - he had to learn from professionals about what sorts of acting out goes on and why and how to handle it with empathy and boundaries. My hope is that he can see WH in that light.
Then all that's left is what needs to be cleaned from my side of the street before I go. My conscience already feels better in anticipation.
If anyone has experience and did this well or had it turn out TERRIBLE, could you share it with me?
As always thank you all for just being here. I hope one day I'm in a position to be the wise supportive woman helping someone else!