"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Paul84 posted 9/16/2020 10:17 AM

W filed this week . I have hired an attorney . I want a temporary agreement that would allow me to take over the mortgage until a permanent decision on the home is made through mediation . She would rent an apartment . It is like living with the devil I can’t take it anymore .
The problem is , there is no scenario that would not leave me financially destitute . These are my bills
Mortgage
Credit card
Car insurance
Car payment
Electric
Internet
Phone

The car would be an option to save money but I need a reliable automobile for myself and my children .
I make 60,000 a year and my STBXW makes 65,000. She also gets a yearly bonus . I started my job making 40,000 a year 10 years ago and have secured pay raises every year .

I don’t know what to do or where to go . My options are low income housing in crime ridden areas or living in my car . Even after the divorce is final I simply will not be able to afford to live .

Poppy704 posted 9/16/2020 10:36 AM

We are not allowed to link but Dave Ramsey has some solid financial planning advice specifically for divorce. Churches often offer his courses, or you can make an appointment with a financial advisor in your area. Your standard of living IS going to change, but 60K a year is not destitute , that’s about the median US household income.

Paul84 posted 9/16/2020 10:44 AM

Thanks put for a single father of 2, $60,000 isn’t far from poverty level , given the recent increases in housing , food, utilities etc

99problems posted 9/16/2020 10:55 AM

Ill be lucky to make 30k this year.
But I also have a 600$ mortgage that i split with a roommate, own my car outright, don't have a credit card, etc.
And my house is in a "crime ridden area".
Any way you can simplify some of those bills?
Refi the house for a lower payment?
Sell the car and get a used one?
I grew up poor and am used to it, it doesn't scare me at all. But I know it can be an adjustment to change your lifestyle. Just realize that many people make it on a lot less than what you are talking about.

Paul84 posted 9/16/2020 11:00 AM

I just refinanced the mortgage and got a low interest rate (the home will likely have be sold after divorce is final , because I can’t afford the $1,700 payment )
My car is used .
I have already cut out everything even Netflix

leafields posted 9/16/2020 11:15 AM

I got a part-time job. My regular job pays for almost everything, but not quite. I've been driving for a meal delivery service that also can include grocery store deliveries.

Pluses - I can schedule on my own time. The extra income is helping to pay off my debts.

Minuses - They don't hold out for income taxes. Added miles to my car.

Poppy704 posted 9/16/2020 11:36 AM

I don’t mean to be dismissive, but like other posters have stated, many families live on much much less. On the day I filed I was working part time in my children’s school district for $10/hr. I had to make HUGE adjustments very very quickly.

Shifting your mindset from a comfortable six figure family income to half that is a big shift, which is why I suggested immediate financial counseling or online financial training courses. But you’re not going to starve or go homeless on your income. You may need to file bankruptcy, or go through debt consolidation. The house is going to have to go. But you’ll be ok if you let go of what WAS and focus on what IS now.

EvenKeel posted 9/16/2020 12:09 PM

want a temporary agreement that would allow me to take over the mortgage until a permanent decision on the home

Why? That is half your spouse's debt as well (including utilities). What did your attorney think of this idea?

Even after the divorce is final I simply will not be able to afford to live .

Take a breath...it will be ok. Many folks on here live on a fraction of what you make (with full custody of their children, with a full mortgage, etc). Look at various ideas and spitball them. IE would keeping your house and renting it be profitable (this depends on your geographical area), can you take in roommates? If/when you sale the house - is there a profit to be made or are you upside down on the mortgage, etc? Lets say you do have to live in a lower rent area. It is not the end of the world. You go with something that you can afford and work on a long-term plan of where you can go from there.

We all understand how overwhelming that stage is. It feels very dark. But I am here to tell you there is story after story on here of folks that crawled their way out of that dark hole for a much better life.

The peace you will have not living with the devil is priceless.

Hang in there.

homewrecked2011 posted 9/16/2020 13:11 PM

She will be paying you temp child support.

I got a pt job at Walmart when the kids were with their Dad. My friend did UBER and LYFT and made enough $ to take his kids on a cruise!

If your take home is low enough, you might be able to get on SNAP- it’s temp, so don’t let it discourage you.

When I filed taxes I got to file Head of Household, claimed both kids-a credit of 2,000, Now 2,000 a child I think, plus EITC of 4,800!!!! (Credits are when you get $$$-ex- if my total tax is 1,000, then I get all my credits, minus what I owe, and a “refund“ of the credit. )

My kids qualified for reduced lunch and breakfast.

I had lots of yard sales.

Some months I got paid 3x in the month.

Don’t give up!!!

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 1:19 PM, September 16th (Wednesday)]

Thumos posted 9/16/2020 13:18 PM

I'm not trying to be dismissive either, but if you make $60K as a single man you're not wealthy by any means but you aren't poor either.

Can you get a debt consolidation loan that makes for a lower monthly payment and doesn't have high interest? Then cut up those credit cards and don't use them again!

I too recommend Dave Ramsey.

Sell the home as quickly as possible.

I know this sounds crazy, but what about getting rid of the Internet? Do you need it for work? If not, then it's probably costing you a fair bit every month. I know this is whacky and countercultural, but I would do it if I needed to. You can live without the Internet for a time and read books and learn musical instruments.

Go to a pawn shop, get a cheap good TV and a DVD player and grab whatever used DVD's they have for kids movies. It worked back before streaming services, it'll work now.

Your kids will probably complain for a few days. But you might be surprised.

If she makes more, she has to pay YOU child support.

Where do you all live? Is relocating to a cheaper part of the country an option?

Also I don't understand why you are agreeing to carry the entire mortgage payment.

And as others have said, can you supplement income in the gig economy?

[This message edited by Thumos at 1:19 PM, September 16th (Wednesday)]

Paul84 posted 9/16/2020 13:32 PM

We have equity on our home . It will be a good start at paying off debt . I Just told her to list the Home immediately at a good price and take the first offer. I can start there . The monthly budget is still a concern however . And finding a place to live . Thank you

twicefooled posted 9/16/2020 13:35 PM

You can do this!

When I moved out with the kiddos, I was in the weird income bracket with "too much for assistance" and "not enough to actually live on"

Like others, I got a side job. You really only have 2 options - cut expenses or increase income.

I was super pissed at first, because how dare my ex put us in this position. But over time, the peace I gained NOT dealing with his crap on a daily basis was worth FAR more than having to have a side gig.

I'm 6 yrs out, in a better financial footing (thanks to landing my dream job 3yrs ago), but I still work a side gig because of rising costs. Once I changed my mindset, the rest became easier to swallow.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 9/16/2020 14:43 PM

I just refinanced the mortgage and got a low interest rate (the home will likely have be sold after divorce is final , because I can’t afford the $1,700 payment )

Can you rent a room to help with the mortgage or otherwise share a home with another single parent? I know it may not be the most palatable of options but I have had some great roommates in their late 30s/40s who really helped cut down on the cost of things (and who can help pay for some of those utility expenses). Or, when you go out into the world to look for a place to live think about "sharing a larger home" with another single parent. The beauty of homes are that ones that are significantly larger are not proportionally more expensive. For example pretend like a decent 1 bedroom place is $1000 per month - a decent 2bd place is likely not double that - it's probably more like $1400-1600, and a 3 bedroom is probably $1500-$1800, etc. Sometimes a nice larger home is something like 3 times the cost of that 1bedroom apartment, and something that one single parent couldn't afford on their own, but that two can quite easily.

Just a thought but I know that is exactly what my sister did when she was a younger single mom, and while it had it's moments of difficulties, the benefits far outweighed them. She found a nice multi leveled place with two separate living areas on each level so the only real area they had to share was the kitchen and the laundry room. She saved quite a bit of money and was able to save money for her own place while doing it.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 2:49 PM, September 16th (Wednesday)]

DevastatedDee posted 9/16/2020 15:29 PM

For everyone saying that you make plenty of money, there are caveats to that. Depending upon where you live, that may not be much money. Plus, if you're like me, you acted like your household income of two was a permanent thing as one should when they're married. Your house, car, credit card, etc. are based on a two-income household. So when you leave, you're more broke than you would be had you designed your financial life as a single person. I'm not throwing stones. I make less than you do, but not so much less. I had to sell one car and take on a part-time job. We sold the house and I bought a smaller one that I could afford. Several years of paying down debt will go by before I'm what I consider financially stable.

You will make it, but it will be a challenge at times. It will be worth every moment of challenge too. And here's an opportunity if you do need a part-time job. See if there's something you're passionate about that you can make a few bucks on the side with. I'm passionate about animal rescue, so my part-time job is at an animal shelter. I work two jobs, but one of them is also something I would do for free. I started volunteering and wound up hired. This job means something to me personally, so it isn't like the drudgery of your average low-paying side job.

You have all my sympathy. I've walked this very road and it is financially intimidating. You'll recover as will I, and in the meantime we get to be free from bad marriages. That's a major bonus.

Paul84 posted 9/16/2020 19:06 PM

Thanks for the advice I really feel this is part of her plan , making me feel broke and down trodden . Many of you are correct it is mostly mental at this point and I can’t help but feel defeated . I basically have 3 choices

Get a part time job (which still may not cover a large mortgage payment in my situation )

Move into substandard housing

Move into my parents house