"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

betrayedafter20 posted 9/16/2020 20:15 PM

Anyone else doing this? I have no desire to R (that I am aware of consciously) - I plan on D and we have been separated since May. Yet every time I go to drop off the kids or I know WH is on his way over or.. I find myself suddenly concerned about my appearance - throwing makeup on in a hurry, changing clothes, ??

My body image has been not so good since the mastectomy and I have put on weight - probably about 25 over what i used to be and it's mainly in the middle :(

I have not let myself go. I polish up nicely, and dress in a manner well put together. THat said, since Covid, separation and working from home more - I have less motivation for those things and most days I have a ponytail and minimal makeup unless I'm going out or meeting with someone.

My STBX was very visual.

At some point he had told me (between the A's) that he didn't feel physically attracted to me anymore (after 15 years of real physical connection). He said it wasn't the breasts, it was an emotional thing. Yet he would sometimes bring up things he didn't like (he hated the way I looked when I took my contacts off and wore glasses, and verbalized this. (What a jerk)

I guess partly it's because I want him to feel like he's really missing out on something. I want him to feel attracted to me again - not so I can get him back - but so I can say, NOPE.. sorry, you missed your window.

I want him to feel like I'm doing better without him. I am, but since looks are so important to him, that is the way he would "see" it.

Also I'm pondering - even when we were still together - If I worked at home all day and didn't put makeup on - I would race to put makeup on when he was coming home - afraid he would say I had been letting myself go...

Anyone else?

crazyblindsided posted 9/16/2020 23:16 PM

I'm the opposite right now, well mostly because of this whole COVID pandemic I don't need to put make-up on. I don't care what my STBX thinks of me anymore. He is shallow too all about looks and makes sure what he is wearing is cool with the 20-year-olds He is also obsessed with wanting to be wealthy and have a fancy car. He's all about showboating.

I should however start putting make-up on for myself like I used to.

messyleslie posted 9/17/2020 00:15 AM

I do this but I think its more because I am trying to give the appearance that I am okay. I don't need him to see my unwashed hair up in a bun and no make-up and sweats and a messy house and think that somehow what he did has destroyed me. I want him to know I am okay and am strong and that he didn't break me.

I don't care if he is attracted to me or not.

Bigger posted 9/17/2020 05:51 AM

I think you should always look your best when you meet your ex.
When I was a rookie cop, I experienced that how I presented myself had immense impact on the confidence and authority I projected. If I wasn’t showered and shaved, clean shirt, pressed pants, clean clothes and fresh breath I felt as if I lost authority. I still have the same issues today and will check myself out before entering important meetings, confrontations, negotiations or doing presentations.

I strongly suggest you look your best when you have to meet him.
I also strongly suggest you act as if you are pressed for time. As if you need to be somewhere else in a short while. Maybe even that the way you dress, look and present yourself isn’t for him, but more for whatever you have got going later.

aprilfool1985 posted 9/17/2020 16:36 PM

You get to care for yourself, because you are worth it.

Your STBXH is just mean. Consider that you are recovering from a long exposure to his mean-ness.

skeetermooch posted 9/17/2020 18:38 PM

I am generally this way too. I'll be damned if he gets the benefit of seeing me falling apart at the seams - so he can relish his handiwork or say, "See, I told she was crazy."

When he was still living here, towards the end, I went the opposite way - wearing literal mumus and not brushing my hair - I wanted him to see what he'd done to me. In hindsight, that just gave him the confidence to cheat on me some more - he figure pathetic as I was I'd never leave him. He never gave a rat's ass about how he hurt me.

Because he's so stupid and shallow, when he sees me primped he will automatically assume I have a new boyfriend and I'm super happy. So, you know if I ever have to see him again, I'm going to work that. He should suffer seeing what he lost and wondering who gets my company now.

betrayedafter20 posted 9/17/2020 20:28 PM

I also strongly suggest you act as if you are pressed for time. As if you need to be somewhere else in a short while. Maybe even that the way you dress, look and present yourself isn’t for him, but more for whatever you have got going later.

Bigger - I like this. I agree with impressions for business etc. but you are right - the same would carry through for going forward and PAST STBX.. I just don't like that I care what he thinks. Want to get past that

betrayedafter20 posted 9/17/2020 20:29 PM

Your STBXH is just mean. Consider that you are recovering from a long exposure to his mean-ness.

Yes, for sure, aprilfool, this. Thank you.

Gottagetthrough posted 9/17/2020 20:51 PM

I 100% agree with Bigger. I feel better when I have my hair done and makeup on and nice clothes and shoes with a heel.

When I look good, I feel good . You deserve to feel good .

RosesandThorns posted 9/17/2020 22:24 PM

I would also reiterate what Bigger said. For me, makeup is a part of my armour in any potentially stressful situation. Dealing with my challenging family members, coworkers, etc. Anything that makes me feel my best helps me feel more in control and confident, and people I come into contact with pick up on that. It's amazing, the way we give cues to people on how to treat us, even by our appearance.

When we're with those we love/trust, we feel that we can be vulnerable and they will not judge us or reject us. Your WH has proven that you can't be vulnerable around him. Perhaps that is why you don't want him to see you feeling "blah." From now on, he can interact with the you that you show to the outside world, not the vulnerable you. However you dress or look around him, remember that. He's lost the beautiful privilage to be in Betrayedafter20's inner circle.

99problems posted 9/17/2020 22:32 PM

Hopefully stbxw and I won't be meeting each other face to face for a long, long time.
But if we did, you better believe i'm shaved, showered, and slicked up. Not to impress her at all. I just want to model a good appearance for my child.(because the ONLY reason i'd ever be within 1000 feet of that person is my kiddo)

betrayedafter20 posted 9/18/2020 09:52 AM

I just want to model a good appearance for my child

"Headslap" (IMS) thanks, I didn't think about that part.

R&T -

Your WH has proven that you can't be vulnerable around him.

That's deep, and I think the psychology of that is spot on.

Chaos posted 9/18/2020 10:36 AM

I think if putting on make up makes you feel bad ass and bullet proof - do it!

DevastatedDee posted 9/18/2020 11:04 AM

When we're with those we love/trust, we feel that we can be vulnerable and they will not judge us or reject us. Your WH has proven that you can't be vulnerable around him. Perhaps that is why you don't want him to see you feeling "blah." From now on, he can interact with the you that you show to the outside world, not the vulnerable you. However you dress or look around him, remember that. He's lost the beautiful privilage to be in Betrayedafter20's inner circle.

I think that's 100% it. My 1st husband is coming by today to drop off our daughter and pick up our son. I'm working from home dressed like a slob, not wearing makeup, hair not done. He and I are friends and I feel okay just being me when he shows up. Thank goodness I don't have to deal with my XWH, but if I were to know that he'd be somewhere I was, I'd have make-up, hair done, and be dressed well because he no longer has the privilege of seeing me in my natural state. He would get my "representative". He wouldn't get the actual me.