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Divorce/Separation :
Putting makeup on when seeing Stbx

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 betrayedafter20 (original poster member #72875) posted at 2:15 AM on Thursday, September 17th, 2020

Anyone else doing this? I have no desire to R (that I am aware of consciously) - I plan on D and we have been separated since May. Yet every time I go to drop off the kids or I know WH is on his way over or.. I find myself suddenly concerned about my appearance - throwing makeup on in a hurry, changing clothes, ??

My body image has been not so good since the mastectomy and I have put on weight - probably about 25 over what i used to be and it's mainly in the middle :(

I have not let myself go. I polish up nicely, and dress in a manner well put together. THat said, since Covid, separation and working from home more - I have less motivation for those things and most days I have a ponytail and minimal makeup unless I'm going out or meeting with someone.

My STBX was very visual.

At some point he had told me (between the A's) that he didn't feel physically attracted to me anymore (after 15 years of real physical connection). He said it wasn't the breasts, it was an emotional thing. Yet he would sometimes bring up things he didn't like (he hated the way I looked when I took my contacts off and wore glasses, and verbalized this. (What a jerk)

I guess partly it's because I want him to feel like he's really missing out on something. I want him to feel attracted to me again - not so I can get him back - but so I can say, NOPE.. sorry, you missed your window.

I want him to feel like I'm doing better without him. I am, but since looks are so important to him, that is the way he would "see" it.

Also I'm pondering - even when we were still together - If I worked at home all day and didn't put makeup on - I would race to put makeup on when he was coming home - afraid he would say I had been letting myself go...

Anyone else?

Me: BW, 52, BC survivor x2
Married 20 yrs, together 25
14 yo boy Autism spectrum
16 yo typical functioning
DD#1 2/6/13 PA, False R 4+ yrs
DD#2 2/20/20 EA(mutual friend) learned of another PA same day - serial
DD#3 2 weeks later W/PA AP
Separated 5/

posts: 293   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2020   ·   location: IL
id 8588393
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 5:16 AM on Thursday, September 17th, 2020

I'm the opposite right now, well mostly because of this whole COVID pandemic I don't need to put make-up on. I don't care what my STBX thinks of me anymore. He is shallow too all about looks and makes sure what he is wearing is cool with the 20-year-olds He is also obsessed with wanting to be wealthy and have a fancy car. He's all about showboating.

I should however start putting make-up on for myself like I used to.

fBS/fWS(me):52 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:55 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(22) DS(19)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Separated 9/2019; Divorced 8/2024

posts: 9075   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8588428
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messyleslie ( member #58177) posted at 6:15 AM on Thursday, September 17th, 2020

I do this but I think its more because I am trying to give the appearance that I am okay. I don't need him to see my unwashed hair up in a bun and no make-up and sweats and a messy house and think that somehow what he did has destroyed me. I want him to know I am okay and am strong and that he didn't break me.

I don't care if he is attracted to me or not.

posts: 294   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017
id 8588441
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 11:51 AM on Thursday, September 17th, 2020

I think you should always look your best when you meet your ex.

When I was a rookie cop, I experienced that how I presented myself had immense impact on the confidence and authority I projected. If I wasn’t showered and shaved, clean shirt, pressed pants, clean clothes and fresh breath I felt as if I lost authority. I still have the same issues today and will check myself out before entering important meetings, confrontations, negotiations or doing presentations.

I strongly suggest you look your best when you have to meet him.

I also strongly suggest you act as if you are pressed for time. As if you need to be somewhere else in a short while. Maybe even that the way you dress, look and present yourself isn’t for him, but more for whatever you have got going later.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 13191   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8588447
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aprilfool1985 ( member #56750) posted at 10:36 PM on Thursday, September 17th, 2020

You get to care for yourself, because you are worth it.

Your STBXH is just mean. Consider that you are recovering from a long exposure to his mean-ness.

Me: BS, of a certain age Him: WS, of a certain age +3 events in question around 1985, M 1988, several adult children

posts: 117   ·   registered: Jan. 8th, 2017   ·   location: United States
id 8588720
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skeetermooch ( member #72169) posted at 12:38 AM on Friday, September 18th, 2020

I am generally this way too. I'll be damned if he gets the benefit of seeing me falling apart at the seams - so he can relish his handiwork or say, "See, I told she was crazy."

When he was still living here, towards the end, I went the opposite way - wearing literal mumus and not brushing my hair - I wanted him to see what he'd done to me. In hindsight, that just gave him the confidence to cheat on me some more - he figure pathetic as I was I'd never leave him. He never gave a rat's ass about how he hurt me.

Because he's so stupid and shallow, when he sees me primped he will automatically assume I have a new boyfriend and I'm super happy. So, you know if I ever have to see him again, I'm going to work that. He should suffer seeing what he lost and wondering who gets my company now.

Me: BS 56 on DDay 1 - 7/2019 DIVORCED - 1/2021

posts: 1275   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2019
id 8588796
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 betrayedafter20 (original poster member #72875) posted at 2:28 AM on Friday, September 18th, 2020

I also strongly suggest you act as if you are pressed for time. As if you need to be somewhere else in a short while. Maybe even that the way you dress, look and present yourself isn’t for him, but more for whatever you have got going later.

Bigger - I like this. I agree with impressions for business etc. but you are right - the same would carry through for going forward and PAST STBX.. I just don't like that I care what he thinks. Want to get past that

Me: BW, 52, BC survivor x2
Married 20 yrs, together 25
14 yo boy Autism spectrum
16 yo typical functioning
DD#1 2/6/13 PA, False R 4+ yrs
DD#2 2/20/20 EA(mutual friend) learned of another PA same day - serial
DD#3 2 weeks later W/PA AP
Separated 5/

posts: 293   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2020   ·   location: IL
id 8588829
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 betrayedafter20 (original poster member #72875) posted at 2:29 AM on Friday, September 18th, 2020

Your STBXH is just mean. Consider that you are recovering from a long exposure to his mean-ness.

Yes, for sure, aprilfool, this. Thank you.

Me: BW, 52, BC survivor x2
Married 20 yrs, together 25
14 yo boy Autism spectrum
16 yo typical functioning
DD#1 2/6/13 PA, False R 4+ yrs
DD#2 2/20/20 EA(mutual friend) learned of another PA same day - serial
DD#3 2 weeks later W/PA AP
Separated 5/

posts: 293   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2020   ·   location: IL
id 8588830
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Gottagetthrough ( member #27325) posted at 2:51 AM on Friday, September 18th, 2020

I 100% agree with Bigger. I feel better when I have my hair done and makeup on and nice clothes and shoes with a heel.

When I look good, I feel good . You deserve to feel good .

posts: 3843   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2010
id 8588835
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RosesandThorns ( member #71917) posted at 4:24 AM on Friday, September 18th, 2020

I would also reiterate what Bigger said. For me, makeup is a part of my armour in any potentially stressful situation. Dealing with my challenging family members, coworkers, etc. Anything that makes me feel my best helps me feel more in control and confident, and people I come into contact with pick up on that. It's amazing, the way we give cues to people on how to treat us, even by our appearance.

When we're with those we love/trust, we feel that we can be vulnerable and they will not judge us or reject us. Your WH has proven that you can't be vulnerable around him. Perhaps that is why you don't want him to see you feeling "blah." From now on, he can interact with the you that you show to the outside world, not the vulnerable you. However you dress or look around him, remember that. He's lost the beautiful privilage to be in Betrayedafter20's inner circle.

posts: 148   ·   registered: Oct. 23rd, 2019
id 8588850
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99problems ( member #59373) posted at 4:32 AM on Friday, September 18th, 2020

Hopefully stbxw and I won't be meeting each other face to face for a long, long time.

But if we did, you better believe i'm shaved, showered, and slicked up. Not to impress her at all. I just want to model a good appearance for my child.(because the ONLY reason i'd ever be within 1000 feet of that person is my kiddo)

Got me a new forum name!<BR />Formerly Idiotmcstupid.<BR />I am divorced, so not as much of an idiot now- 4/15/21,

posts: 1010   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2017   ·   location: Somewhere
id 8588853
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 betrayedafter20 (original poster member #72875) posted at 3:52 PM on Friday, September 18th, 2020

I just want to model a good appearance for my child

"Headslap" (IMS) thanks, I didn't think about that part.

R&T -

Your WH has proven that you can't be vulnerable around him.

That's deep, and I think the psychology of that is spot on.

Me: BW, 52, BC survivor x2
Married 20 yrs, together 25
14 yo boy Autism spectrum
16 yo typical functioning
DD#1 2/6/13 PA, False R 4+ yrs
DD#2 2/20/20 EA(mutual friend) learned of another PA same day - serial
DD#3 2 weeks later W/PA AP
Separated 5/

posts: 293   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2020   ·   location: IL
id 8589029
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 4:36 PM on Friday, September 18th, 2020

I think if putting on make up makes you feel bad ass and bullet proof - do it!

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades-2 adult children. Multiple DDays w/same LAP until I told OBS 2018- Cease & Desist sent spring 2021 "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 4028   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8589048
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 5:04 PM on Friday, September 18th, 2020

When we're with those we love/trust, we feel that we can be vulnerable and they will not judge us or reject us. Your WH has proven that you can't be vulnerable around him. Perhaps that is why you don't want him to see you feeling "blah." From now on, he can interact with the you that you show to the outside world, not the vulnerable you. However you dress or look around him, remember that. He's lost the beautiful privilage to be in Betrayedafter20's inner circle.

I think that's 100% it. My 1st husband is coming by today to drop off our daughter and pick up our son. I'm working from home dressed like a slob, not wearing makeup, hair not done. He and I are friends and I feel okay just being me when he shows up. Thank goodness I don't have to deal with my XWH, but if I were to know that he'd be somewhere I was, I'd have make-up, hair done, and be dressed well because he no longer has the privilege of seeing me in my natural state. He would get my "representative". He wouldn't get the actual me.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 5083   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8589063
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