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Can unrewarding job lead to staying with cheater?

Superesse posted 9/22/2020 10:11 AM

There are likely a lot of angles to such a question. I'm trying to hear your thoughts on whether our own career history, marred by hostile coworkers and failure to advance despite excellent performance, may have primed us to remain in a marriage with our perceived "more successful" mate, after we discovered their infidelity (even after they've shown us they don't want to "do the work" on their issues or the relationship.)

From time to time, it just hits me that had my last career position not been so negative for so long, despite doing my best, I may not have chosen to hang in so long with this (serial) cheating partner. I think my career experiences may have permanently lowered my expectations for what life should look like.

gmc94 posted 9/22/2020 10:20 AM

I "get" what you are saying and at the time my WH's EA turned PA, and I KNEW something was off, I was in a not so great work situation. So, a part of me wonders if I'd been in a better place professionally at that time, if I'd have created better boundaries in my M.

Then a few years later (and LONG before dday) I took another job that I love, but pays very little (not enough for me to live on). My current job is by contract and I'm at the end of the ability to renew (long story). So, for me today it's more about income than job respect WRT my M.
Although - I do have some serious work conflicts with some of my colleagues (including my mentee betraying me w/in the 1st year after dday and getting a promotion I'd been in line for over 2 yrs). Those things were very painful to work through on top of the post dday fallout.

I think that when dday hits, if we don't have good support systems in other places in our life it impacts our healing and ability to find the strength to leave a cheater, and a job is a big source for our self esteem & confidence. I don't care if you are the janitor or the CEO, a job well done helps us feel good about ourselves. In the aftermath of dday, it can be a kind of "crutch" that helps us learn to walk again.

So, I can't say that my personal job experiences "primed" me for not immediately filing for D after dday, but I do believe that having folks who think I am awesome in my work life helps me get my head & my heart on the same page as to my own value.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 10:23 AM, September 22nd, 2020 (Tuesday)]

hikingout posted 9/22/2020 10:21 AM

This is a super interesting question, even though I am not the BS, I have managed people for a long time. To me, it's one of those chicken before the egg questions.

I personally believe that some people are uncomfortable with change and when the need presents itself they talk themselves out of it. And, that tendency becomes universal in most of their decisions.

I have employees that should have left a long time ago. My guess is they tend to think about what they are giving up in terms of what they do like. (I have built up my salary, my vacation time, whatever "it" is). They tell themselves stories (If I went to work somewhere else this is what would happen...) Some of them are unhappily married and I think they make their analysis in a very similar way.

At the same time, I think sometimes sticking through different situations can be beneficial in the end and it's not always a negative thing. Knowing when to cut that tie is trickier than it sounds at times.

LadyG posted 9/22/2020 19:57 PM

I unfortunately run my own business and employ my STBXWH

He is financially dependent on me and during our 25 years of working together, he acted like he was my boss. He is an awful boss and I would never ever have put up with the behaviour from anyone else.

His work performance was appalling during the last A. He has resigned and I have sacked him in the last year but he begged for his job back.

Fine, I allow him to work and earn an income but he has lost any power over me. We work from different locations and if he doesn’t perform well, he knows that he is out!

sisoon posted 9/23/2020 10:09 AM

When I was with Big Time Consulting, I had a gig with the state govt. The troops complained of the low salaries - they were in a Southern backwater state capital.

I talked about this with their manager who said something like, 'I've told them the only way to get good salary bumps is to switch agencies every few years, but they won't do it.' (The biggest employers in the area were the state and a state university.)

Some people have ambitions at work; others have ambitions elsewhere; still others aren't ambitious.

I expect, however, that constantly getting beaten down by life kills ambition. IMO, staying in a bad job and in a bad M come from the same stuff internally.

Of course, many BSes do really well at work until d-day, even though their private lives aren't so great. The most capable manager I've ever worked for went through several Ds.

DIFM posted 9/23/2020 13:24 PM

I expect, however, that constantly getting beaten down by life kills ambition. IMO, staying in a bad job and in a bad M come from the same stuff internally.


Not everyone has to have professional aspirations, or upward mobility goals, or need for a pleasant work environment......but if you do, and yet still find regret over where you are rather then where you want to be......that may play out in several areas of life - work and marriage.

I could not imagine spending too long at a job that was unrewarding. There is not much that can't be achieved through a focused plan, persistence, and hard work designed to meet the plan's objectives. No need to stay where you are not appreciated.....work or home. Getting what you want often takes a great deal of effort and sacrifice. We constantly weigh the risk/reward balancing act and make our choices.

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