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When does the pain get easier???

Dawn37 posted 9/29/2020 06:34 AM

Hi all, I hope you are all well?!!

So it has been almost 8 months since my exH walked out and left.
Today he came and collected the kids, he's always so happy and cheery, which for my kids is great. I, however, really struggle with it.

I'm so broken hearted at how my life has turned out it just seems so unfair, its like i am so focused on his and this OW relationship willing it to fall apart and I know in my heart its not healthy to think this way. I just seem so sure their going to be happily ever after and that was my life to live, not hers.

Please tell me if this gets easier?

DigitalSpyder posted 9/29/2020 06:38 AM

It will get better if you give it time, space, and a little bit of work. You should probably stop focusing on them and focus more on you. Find a hobby you've always wanted to do but haven't tried yet. Something along those lines. The more you are invested in XWH and the OW the longer it'll take to leave this behind and start a new.

The1stWife posted 9/29/2020 15:05 PM

Itís a little bit of jealousy and envy mixed in with pain and hurt and betrayal and trauma.

You believe what you see. You ďseeĒ a happy man with his children. You see him living a happy life with the OW.

Hmmmmm........how can I put this?

People only show you what they want you to see. Itís like FakeBook. Do people post photos of themselves looking like a hot mess after a day spent cleaning the kitchen or the bathroom? Of course not. But they will post photos of their new car or boat or vacation. Because itís what they want you to see. I see more I happily married couples posting crap on FakeBook about their wonderful life while the wife is out cheating on the H. Stop believing everything you see.

You know your XH. You know his moods and temperament. You are the ONE person who knows him. His true self. What kind of man walks out and leaves his kids. No warning? No discussion? That is not a man thatís a coward.

Stop believing the fairy tale lie and look at reality. Heís a coward who abandoned his family. And donít think itís not going to happen again. Itís hardest the first time he did it. NExt time itís easier b/c heís been down that road.

Deep down you know heís not the guy you thought he was. You just keep hoping and wishing he was. I suggest you focus on you and your future. Do positive things with your time instead of regretting your present life.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 3:07 PM, September 29th (Tuesday)]

skeetermooch posted 9/29/2020 21:54 PM

Believe me Dawn, the OW knows she's with a cheater and she's always going to have her antennae out, looking for signs he's running around on her. He's done something cowardly and horrific. The only thing he can do is look cheery to hide the shame of his actions. He won't ever show you he's having a bad day or that life isn't peachy because that would be admitting he destroyed your family for nothing.

You put on cheery face and act rushed to get somewhere when he grabs the kids. Let him wonder about your happy new life now that he's freed you from being bound to a dirtbag.

Dawn37 posted 9/30/2020 10:41 AM

Thank you for the replies

I am currently studying at university which is giving me a positive focus on something else, its more just when I see him or speak to him, he is so intent on trying to work his whole life around his OW.

The hardest part is how accepting his family are being of the whole situation and that they've welcomed her after just months of them both splitting our family up. It was my exH fathers birthday last week and the OW went with her 2 children and my daughter went as she wanted to go and i felt it wrong to stop her.

By me doing this, i know i'm paving the way for them. My exH actually told me that when they move in together next year there will be plenty of room for our children to stay any time they want. I told him how sad it is that he will never live with his children again and he seemed shocked. He told me that in time our children may want to go and live with him, the OW and her children.

That upset me more than anything. He has destroyed everything that i tried hard to keep together and now he would happily take the children too.

As for him cheating again i'm not so sure as he said she is 'the one', they have a connection that he has never felt with anyone before. I'm half expecting a divorce next so as they can marry!!!

EllieKMAS posted 9/30/2020 10:57 AM

As for him cheating again i'm not so sure as he said she is 'the one', they have a connection that he has never felt with anyone before. I'm half expecting a divorce next so as they can marry!!!
Wait..... are you still married to him? (?!?!?) (If that answer is yes, get thee to a solicitor yesterday!)

And I will just say this - cheaters who have blown their world to shit for their 'schmoopsie-poo' have a vested interest in making the world believe it was worth all the damage they did. But more often than not, this 'perfect, never-connected-like-this-before, romeo and juliet, star crossed' BULLSHIT is just a pretty picture they project to hide what it really is; a sordid, toxic farce of love that no sane person would want!

GOOD relationships are bloody hard work. And they aren't always pleasant and smooth. now imagine trying to make a relationship with a person that you damn well know has no compunctions about hurting people with their selfishness... not a recipe to make a healthy long-lasting love. Let the posow have him. If she is willing to be in a relationshit with a married guy and hurt innocent kids and an innocent wife in the process then he deserves her too.

crazyblindsided posted 9/30/2020 11:34 AM

(((Dawn37))) It takes time (I won't lie a lot of time) but you will eventually heal from this. What your WS did is shameful and his family sounds like they just are not the type of people to 'rock the boat.' People that put their head in the sand aren't the kind of people I look up to nor care for their opinions.

You are handling this the best you can and good for you studying at university that is fabulous.

the OW knows she's with a cheater and she's always going to have her antennae out

^^^Yep this is what the OW won a lifetime of questioning whether he will cheat or not. Wait until life starts to set-in especially with the blending of family. Not an easy situation to navigate and your daughter will always know HOW their relationship started. The OW will also know deep down that she helped break-up a family. That is a heavy load of guilt to carry.

i'm not so sure as he said she is 'the one', they have a connection that he has never felt with anyone before.

All cheaters say this it's almost laughable I guess it's their rationalization of how they could act like assholes. There is no such thing as "the one" or "soulmate."

Keep focusing on you and your daughter and your healing. One day he and his homewrecker will become irrelevant to your life.

Edited to add: I agree with seeing a solicitor right away. Beat him to the punch and file first.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 11:35 AM, September 30th (Wednesday)]

skeetermooch posted 9/30/2020 11:37 AM

He told me that in time our children may want to go and live with him, the OW and her children.

That man is delusional. He's in the infatuation stage. He's clueless. Shit will get real soon enough for him.

Your children will always prefer you unless you're beating them or otherwise abusing them. Children prefer the nurturing of their mom's in most cases, even with mom's that aren't so hot. So, I'm sure you'll be okay. It's also very rare for blended families to blend easily - there will be jealousy, hurt feelings and conflicts in parenting styles that emerge - all of these are stresses on your idiot WH's new relationship, as will be the divorce process.

Enjoy the downtime when your kids want to spend time with them. It will all sour soon enough. You may even end up like me - my son never goes to his dad's house - so I'm 24/7. It's been that way since he was a preteen.

All cheater's tell themselves that they cheated because they weren't with the right person, not their absent morals and integrity. It's just another lie they tell themselves. He's a loser and OW's going to bear the brunt of it, not you, thank goodness.

Good for you going to university. Keep building your life up and watch him get smaller and smaller.

taken4granted posted 9/30/2020 12:14 PM

It takes time to heal from this kind of trauma.

A few things that helped me:

I unfriended/blocked all his family and friends - I no longer cared what they thought of me or what was happening with EX.

I stopped talking to the EX. I told him to email or text only and only about the kids or finances. And that's all I ever responded to.

I unblocked the girlfriend. I wasn't friends with her on facebook, but she had created so many fake accounts that I stopped trying to block them all and just unblocked her main one.

Everytime I had that feeling of I wonder what he's up to know, I made my own mind movies that usually involved him with a hideous woman and getting a rash. LOL

I also stopped talking about him. This was perhaps the hardest thing. I had been so used to complaining to my friends about what stupid thing he did or how he lied to the kids that I decided I didn't like listening to myself anymore and he was taking up too much of my time. I just stopped. Everytime, I wanted to say something about him, I would instead reach out to someone about how they were. It made me feel more normal.

And with those more normal feelings will come sanity.

I'm sure others can give you better advice.

Dawn37 posted 9/30/2020 13:20 PM

@takenforgranted -

Oh my god, thank you!!!!! I feel like this is exactly how I have become with friends, i hate talking about him. I was out with my girlfriends last week and they started asking questions, half way through answering i found myself saying - I actually dont want to discuss him out loud.

I know right now its going to be tough and i'm especially on edge with what would have been our 8th wedding anniversary approaching, aswell as my first christmas alone with the kids. Its all just so unfair and unjust.

As much as people say he has a long, rocky road ahead, it seems as if her children (aged 7 & 12) are quite ok and accepting of my ex as their new potential stepdad!! I just keep envisaging her having the life i had with my kids and them all being one big happy family.

Its a testing time and its just another part of the journey i guess, and i lnow i need to stop focusing on them and their relationship falling apart. I just think how unfair that 2 people who cause so much heartbreak, get to live happily ever after.

Thank you everyone for your words of advice, it helps more than you realise. x

taken4granted posted 9/30/2020 14:13 PM

The fact that you're getting tired of talking about it is HUGE!!! I'm so happy to hear that. I know it might sound trivial, but that's a big step to healing.

I know that this isn't how you saw things in your head. You imagined growing old together and looking back at all the memories that you made together. That won't happen. I'm not saying this to be mean. I'm saying that now your memories will be different. Not bad, just different.

Try looking at things differently. For instance, when you're thinking this isn't fair, think of how much worse it could have been. You could have been stuck with him even longer. You might have contracted something from him. Lord knows what could have been. Instead of saying it's not fair, say I'm lucky that I found out now who he is. She may not completely understand what she's getting into. Try a little sympathy for her. I know that's hard, but once you feel sympathy, you won't feel jealous.

And let's face it, your ex is a real jerk. To even think that he's going to have the kids live with him full time and it's going to be all ice cream and candy.... LOL. What a nut-so. You and I both know it will be dirty laundry and dishes mixed in with vomit.

I hope this thought brightens your day.

Dawn37 posted 10/1/2020 07:48 AM

I always thought he would be the person I would grow old with, i genuinely believed he was MY happy ever after.

Its my sisters 30th birthday today and he has arranged with her to pop up with a gift. I'm slightly annoyed as i dont feel he's a part of our family any longer nor do i feel like my sister should be accepting a gift from him. Maybe i'm just being pathetic about it.

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