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Just a vent

Belle25 posted 11/11/2020 11:20 AM

WH and I have been separated for about two years with every intention of divorcing; he asked if we could wait until the New Year to file for tax purposes, and that was fine with me.

We are pretty amicable, all said. Two daughters who we share 50/50 custody of. They are very close to both of us, so with the help of a very good IC, I have learned to move past the anger a little bit and tolerate him.

He told me the other day that he is seeing someone seriously. It's not anyone he was involved with while we were together. And while I am not jealous - I definitely have zero romantic feelings for him and am in a relationship myself - there is some old anger resurfacing. It wasn't just cheating, but also severe alcoholism that I helped him through.

I know he didn't do the work to become a safe partner for anyone. So why does he get to ride off into the sunset and find someone new, after shattering our family? I wanted to ask him if he informed her of his serial cheating and alcohol rehab, but I know that wouldn't solve anything, and would just give him a reaction.

I know I can't let this gnaw at me and it doesn't change anything in my new fulfilling life. But there is something about it that just makes you want to smash rocks, isn't there? Thanks for "listening".

skeetermooch posted 11/11/2020 12:49 PM

Oh yes, this crap is infuriating. They get all the love-bombing and infatuation and excitement of a new relationship and we get therapy ;/ However, it's not likely to go well, if that's any consolation.

I wouldn't want to be her for anything. I'm sure you wouldn't either. But yep, they just keep on trucking.

crazyblindsided posted 11/11/2020 13:24 PM

I wouldn't want to be her for anything.

While my STBX hasn't stopped dating since we were married I can only feel sorry for his next victim. I am sure as soon as something becomes serious he will rub it in my face or who knows he may have multiple serious GF's.

They aren't riding off into any sunset they are riding into hell remember that.

BearlyBreathing posted 11/11/2020 14:34 PM

You have been heard. I totally get it. There is nothing fair about infidelity but it is a pretty safe bet to know that he is just setting up his next victim.

((Hugs))

BrokenheartedUK posted 11/11/2020 14:43 PM

So why does he get to ride off into the sunset and find someone new, after shattering our family?

I understand your feelings but rest assured, if he hasn't done the work, he's really only going to repeat the same bullshit, different circus with the next person.

And if she has low expectations and self esteem, or is young and dumb, or whatever combination, it may just result in the kind of long term relationship that seems happy.

My Ex has been with the same GF since 5 months after I ended the M... or 5.5 years now. I was completely surprised that this has lasted as long as it has but at this point a) I don't care and b) when I think about it I'm just relieved he's completely off my hands.

Play the long game, have faith that you'll come out ahead because you're not a shallow, selfish, low standards/morals douchecanoe.

The1stWife posted 11/11/2020 20:13 PM

You unloaded the booby prize and now some new unwitting victim has won him. She will now have to spend her time figuring out your former Mr “Wonderful”.

He’s not sailing off into the sunset. You are.

And you are leaving the dead weight behind.

Trust55 posted 11/12/2020 07:57 AM

Amen to what the 1st Wife said

barcher144 posted 11/12/2020 11:28 AM

WH and I have been separated for about two years with every intention of divorcing; he asked if we could wait until the New Year to file for tax purposes, and that was fine with me.

This is not necessary. If you get divorced in 2020 then you would have the option of filing as either married or single. If you file now and you are not divorced in 2020, then you are married. Filing for divorce does not affect this.

My STBXW filed for divorce in October 2018. We filed as married for 2018 and we could have filed as married in 2019, but neither of us wanted that.

it is a pretty safe bet to know that he is just setting up his next victim.

This. So this. It's important to remember the parable of the scorpion and the frog. Most people don't change and those that do change have to work really hard at it.

My STBXW was cheating on her current BF the last time that I was able to check (my primary source of information was her cell phone activity -- she has since gotten onto her own cell phone plan). And, I am now hearing rumors that her current BF finds her decision making to be questionable (she bought a Chesapeake Bay Retriever puppy about a year ago).

So, honestly, pity the new girl... but otherwise, remember that he's neither your circus nor your monkey any further. Maybe think about how it will affect your kids though.

twicefooled posted 11/12/2020 11:56 AM

"Not my circus, not my monkeys"

It is now her circus and her monkey.

You get the benefit of working on yourself so that you can have a healthy relationship in the future. All he has is empty promises and more heartache in the future.

BigBlueEyes posted 11/12/2020 15:42 PM

Honestly what makes you think he will be any different with a new partner!
Unless he has worked hard on himself & figured out his why’s etc he will just rinse & repeat.

I wish my EX would move on...couldn’t be faithful while married but decides now we’re divorced that he’s my soul mate...now he knows ‘he really doesn’t want anyone else’

Enjoy your life without the drama you deserve it.

Maybe keep your fingers crossed it blows up for him...just to see karma at her finest

Westway posted 11/12/2020 15:59 PM

Belle25 it is never going to be fair. I do know very well how you feel. You and I and most of us here married a*#holes, and we just have to suck it up and hope that we don't pick another bad one in the future.

Your XWH will continue to be a screw up as long as he doesn't get help for his issues. His new fiancée will live to regret it.

Westway posted 11/12/2020 16:03 PM

BigBlueEyes

I wish my EX would move on...couldn’t be faithful while married but decides now we’re divorced that he’s my soul mate...now he knows ‘he really doesn’t want anyone else’

My serial cheating STBXWW says the same thing to my daughters: that I will always be her soulmate and that I am the only man that she could ever call husband. Except that is all I am to her. She never saw me as her lover, that title was reserved for her boyfriends.

BigBlueEyes posted 11/13/2020 02:34 AM

My serial cheating STBXWW says the same thing to my daughters: that I will always be her soulmate and that I am the only man that she could ever call husband. Except that is all I am to her. She never saw me as her lover, that title was reserved for her boyfriends

These people really are their own brand of special huh

Honestly makes my head spin.

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