Rosepetal2 posted 11/17/2020 12:52 PM

So I’m still around, and cannot get off this roller coaster even though it’s I want to, or at least I’m pretty sure I am (prime example of my ups and downs!) yesterday and over the weekend I was certain I was going to pluck up the courage to end it once and for all.
I can’t bring myself to have the discussion and my heart keeps stopping me even though I know I cannot carry on like this.
My question is how do I do it. How do I break his heart ? Despite all the pain he caused me I still don’t want to hurt him. We get on generally but it’s more like we’re on autopilot. How’s best to do it when communicating serious topics has always been a problem? Do I do it before Xmas ? Arrrgh I have so much in my head!
Any help much appreciated xx

EllieKMAS posted 11/17/2020 13:07 PM

I suppose I get not wanting to hurt the other person, but you don't owe it to him to spare his feelings at the expense of your own.

If you're done, be done. Just say it as honestly as possible. There is no good time nor any good way to say it and it's possible to waste a lot of time trying to wait for the right moment.

I know that might not be the advice you want to hear, but I believe in just speaking your truth. If he has a hard time taking that then that's a him problem and not a you one.

The1stWife posted 11/17/2020 13:15 PM

I understand you do not want to be the bad guy. No one wants to have to tell a person “it’s over”. It’s painful. It’s hard. It’s anxiety ridden.

You know best what to say and when. I suggest you pick a neutral time and be direct and honest. It’s been more than a year since you joined SI. You tell him you believe you have both tried your best but the marriage is permanently broken.

Don’t blame him. Tell him you know he tried his best but you no longer choose to be his wife AND you wish to end the marriage civilly and quickly. Line up a mediator if possible. Get yourself educated on the D process (maybe before talking to him).

countrydirt posted 11/17/2020 17:34 PM

I was in a form of R for 4 years. All during that time I knew that we ultimately would divorce because I would NEVER believe anything she said again. So it was sort of a relief when the cheating commenced again and made the path so much clearer.

Even so, I had a very hard time letting go. It took me about 2 months to finally get the balls to speak it out loud. I made my mind up on a long hike I took on July 4 and on July 5, during our morning porch time, I said, "I'm letting go and moving on." She was stunned but it was the only thing that could happen to preserve my sanity.

We thought we could wait until our youngest graduates high school but it became clear in late August that this would not work, so I downloaded the papers and filed in early to mid September.

It was not an easy decision to give up after 31 years, but it was the only decision I could make.

You are the only one who can say when it is time. I do know that I finally started healing after I made the decision and after I filed for divorce. It got me out of limbo and thinking about the rest of my life.

skeetermooch posted 11/18/2020 09:21 AM

I hate hurting people. My STBX did make it easier for me by cheating yet again. That gave me all the necessary resolve. Before that, I spent a year getting swayed by his tears.

He's a grown person, who's actions carried the reasonable expectation of destroying your marriage. He rolled the dice and he lost. We can assume he risked the marriage because he was willing to live with the consequences. Like you accepted the terrible pain of discovery, he will eventually accept the pain of divorce. What I remind myself of when I hate hurting someone is that this pain is part of their path in life and will hopeful lead to growth. You have a right to be happy.