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My 12 year wants to reach out to OW

Mari104 posted 12/3/2020 12:11 PM

I posted on here recently regarding how my STBWXH refuses to acknowledge how much his A and all his other shi*** ass choices have affected our children and family. Of course, he continues with his BS justifications, etc. His relationship with our 12 year old daughter is not getting any better. He basically makes no attempts to reach out to her. Feels like she is the one that needs to pursue a relationship with him, if she wants one. I don’t understand his way of thinking, but then again, how could I? I would never be able to do half the shit he did and continues to do.
So here is my dilemma now……our daughter is 12 going on 20. Because of so much that has taken place over the last 3 years, she has been forced to grow up a lot quicker than she should have. One of the last times her and her dad spoke, he said to her “you should not get involved in things that do not pertain to you. You are 12 and should stick to 12 year old situations and act like you are 12.” Her response….”If you wanted me to act like I am 12 and be 12, then you should not have put us through everything and forced into non-12 year old situations.” My kid does not let him get away with anything anymore. She calls him out on his BS without hesitation and I know that is a huge issue for him. He calls it disrespect. She calls it “her voice”. A voice that she has learned to stand behind through therapy.

Ok, back to the dilemma part. She approached me yesterday and told me she wants to write something to the OW. We have no idea if her and my ex are together. He says no, but at this point, we don’t believe anything he says. Honestly, things got really bad between them at one point as well and I wouldn't be surprised if she is done with his crap as well. Either way, she wants to let her know how she feels about her and her part in all of this. She wants to let her know she thinks she is selfish, lacks morals and integrity and will never accept her into her life. That she knew children were involved and didn't care enough to stop hurting her and her brother as well. That a family was being destroyed and she didn't care. I really don’t know how to feel about this one. My daughter is a lot like me. She is a writer. It has been a very big part of her healing. Her therapist told her that if this is what she feels like is going to help her heal, then she should do it. She did ask that she first write whatever she wants to say and hold on to it for a week or 2 before sending it. Just writing it alone, may help her enough. If she changes her mind in the future, then she could send it.

Now, my first priority is that my children get all the support they need to heal from all of this as much as possible. I really just don’t know how I feel about her writing something directly to the OW. I want to support my daughter in everything she needs to get into a better place. I really do. I am just nervous this will hurt her more than help her. Anyone else come across this?

[This message edited by Mari104 at 1:45 PM, December 3rd (Thursday)]

EllieKMAS posted 12/3/2020 12:20 PM

Tell her to write it and have her commit to hanging on to it for 30 days. I say good for her - it's amazing that she has her voice and isn't afraid to use it. That should be encouraged always! And if that will help her healing then I think she should go for it.

Your daughter sounds like a lil pistol!

HalfTime2017 posted 12/3/2020 13:15 PM

I would let her write that letter, but not mail it. Then, I would urge her to attend more IC. That is the best way to get her help and to get her to talk to a professional.

Lastly, I would not let her get into the middle of this adult chaos anymore than you need to. There's a ton of damage done already. Try to keep her out of the adult situation best you can.

Yes, her dad did all these horrible things. He is the shitbag, but do what you can to help her steer clear. Keep the little ones out of it. They are not our sounding block.

Mari104 posted 12/3/2020 14:16 PM

EllieKMAS

Tell her to write it and have her commit to hanging on to it for 30 days.

I think this is a great idea! I know for me personally, writing has already helped me so much with my healing. I am hoping that by her using this as an outlet, it will give her the peace she needs.

Your daughter sounds like a lil pistol!

OH.....you have NO idea! This little girl is AMAZING! I am SO incredibly proud of the person she is becoming. She is beautiful, kind, humble, smart, confident....I can go on and on. She also is VERY overprotective of her 8 year-old brother and has been protective of me. It is something we are working on together. I remind her every day that mom is in IT and it is my responsibility to make sure they are ok, not the other way around. But I get it. She has seen a lot over the last 3 years. I tried REALLY REALLY hard to protect them from their father's actions, but there was only so much I could do. Kids pick up on a lot more than we often give them credit for.

HalfTime2017

They are not our sounding block.

You are absolutely correct! That is what we have adult friends, family and IT for. Trust me when I tell you......the hardest part of all of this mess is how much my kids have been affected. I am SO angry at their father for knowing he was hurting us and choosing to continue anyway. It is just CRUEL.

There's a ton of damage done already. Try to keep her out of the adult situation best you can.

Yes, there is so much damage and I do not know if my daughter and her father will ever have a "healthy" relationship again. That is 100% up to him. My daughter has already made it VERY clear what she expects from her dad in order to move forward with him and she refuses to except less than her requirements. She told me she is not going to put herself in a situation ever again where her dad is going to hurt her yet again. There is so much that happened that I have still not gone into detail about. More topics for other days. The #1 contingency for my kid is simple. Moving forward, her dad must show her and her brother that his family/children is his priority. He has made choices that have hurt us all during the past 3 years. By continuing to have the OW in his life, he is letting her know where his priorities stand, so she will not want to be part of his life. She does not feel like she will ever feel safe in the future with him or that he will continue to put himself before his own children
by continuing to do all of this. To her, this is about him taking FULL responsibility for his actions and stop being selfish. He continues to blame so much of what he has done on everyone and everything else. She has a HUGE issue with this. Accountability is necessary for her to move forward with him. Like I have said before.....this kid is 12 going on 20. Her guard is up. Saddest part is, she was such a "daddy's girl" before all of this. She had her dad on a pedestal. My heart breaks for my babies. This is all SO unfair!

Freeme posted 12/3/2020 15:01 PM

I agree with the write the letter but commit to holding onto it for 30 days. Writing it out should be very healing for her...

... my guess is that writing it will be enough. Pose the question.. What do you want to accomplish by sending it? If it's to put OW in her place... a woman with no moral compass isn't going to get it, care... if it's to make her feel bad about destroying your family... she didn't care then, why would she now? If to let her know how much she hurt you and your Mom... be prepared that she might enjoy hearing that.

Writing it might be enough... don't worry about sending it.

BrokenheartedUK posted 12/3/2020 15:08 PM

I completely understand why your DD would want to do this!! Even more than us, the children have no say and are so affected by our spouse's shit choices.

FWIW, my kids were like your DD. My middle one who was 14 at the time and had originally found the texts on her dad's phone before me, actually FB messaged the OW in the aftermath of the end of the M after I discovered false R. Her message was something to the effect of "Thanks for ruining my childhood you c***" It wasn't something that I knew about until after it had happened but I think it expresses her rage about the situation fairly well.I can't imagine what the OW must have thought when she read that (and we don't normally use that word in my household) but I think it sent a pretty clear message. These assholes aren't just hurting us, it's the entire family that goes down with them. Ugh.

Mari104 posted 12/3/2020 16:15 PM

Freeme

What do you want to accomplish by sending it? If it's to put OW in her place... a woman with no moral compass isn't going to get it, care... if it's to make her feel bad about destroying your family... she didn't care then, why would she now? If to let her know how much she hurt you and your Mom... be prepared that she might enjoy hearing that.

I did speak to my daughter about the "whys" of all of this. I really wanted to make sure she was doing it for a reason that was going to be healing for her. I don't want her to expect a certain reaction out of OW, because the reality is, no one knows how she is going to react. My STBWXH has mentioned to me a few times that the OW "feels like shit" about all of this. BUT.....if that was the case, why did she continue for so long????

Back to my daughter. She told me that she wants to make it "Very clear to this woman that she will NEVER accept her in her life. Period." She wants to tell her that she is someone she does not and will never respect. Wants no part of her.....and want to tell her the many reasons why. Like: She played a vital role in destroying her family; knew there were kids involved; knew he had moved in and out various times because of the affair and still continued; was married herself ; disrespected her mother, her grandparents are devastated. Everyone in our family is devastated and no one wants nothing to do with her because of the things she choose to do over and over and over again. She is not letting her dad off the hook AT ALL. Obviously! But.....she wants to make it clear that she will also be held accountable for her part in all of this.

BrokenheartedUK

Her message was something to the effect of "Thanks for ruining my childhood you c***"

WOW That is so brave of her! Good for her!

These assholes aren't just hurting us, it's the entire family that goes down with them.

EXACTLY!!!! and this is the VERY important factor my STBWXH REFUSES to acknowledge. How? Why? Who knows. IT doesn't change that it has completely devastated us all.

[This message edited by Mari104 at 4:59 PM, December 3rd (Thursday)]

Lionne posted 12/4/2020 12:41 PM

Against all advice, I wrote to OW. I neither wanted nor would have read a response to me and truly have no idea if she read it. I don't care. The act of writing and sending was cathartic and gave me a modicum of closure.
If she emails it from a temporary email address and then disables that address, it might be better.
I agree 100%, wait to send it.
Finally, tell her that she absolutely cannot let some immoral person to "ruin" her childhood, that woman is simply not worth the headspace.
It sounds as though she has an awesome IC and a fabulous mother!

josiep posted 12/7/2020 08:47 AM

What a wonderful young woman - she sounds a lot like my granddaughter.

Tossing my opinion in with the rest: Let her write the letter and then have her talk to her counselor about it. And the two of them can decide whether to send it or not and whether to allow a reply from the OW.

And for the future, perhaps it would be better if you aren't aware of her dealings with her father. I assume you have full-time custody and he has visitation so that you make the major decisions about her life? If so, you don't need to know what they talk about when they're together, she can talk those things out with her IC.

I mean, she can tell you they went to a movie or where they went to eat, etc. but any conversations that involve what he says or does, his gripes, his happy moments, etc. should maybe be restricted to her IC appt. And then if you're needed to resolve something, the IC can call you.

Sounds like you've managed this mess quite well and have 2 wonderful well-adjusted kids and a great life. I'm still working on mine but love reading a success story!

Mari104 posted 12/7/2020 14:24 PM

Lionne

I also wrote to the OW, a couple of times. I didn't expect a response from her, nor did I really care for one. I did it to make it very clear my kids were also getting hurt by her actions and the A. That she was also being held accountable. I did it for myself and my kids. Reaching out to her only confirmed to me exactly what I thought. She is a selfish woman, who lacks all morals and integrity. She does not care that children were getting hurt in the process. Not one bit.

Finally, tell her that she absolutely cannot let some immoral person to "ruin" her childhood, that woman is simply not worth the headspace.

My daughter began drafting her letter/message to OW. It is not nice. One of the things she says is "You are not worth my time, but if by me doing this, will make you think twice about doing this to another family, than this was worth my time."
God......this kid is SO amazing! I am so incredibly proud of her. She told me that she does not care at all if the OW responds to her or not. She needs to tell her what she feels and will then just move on. If the OW responds, she she may not even open the message because what she thinks is irrelevant to her. That is something she will need to speak to her IC about. Either way, I am proud she is being brave enough to do what she feels she needs to heal. I have her back. Always have, always will. She knows this and knows that will never change. Maybe just writing this will be enough and that will make me happy. Just the fact that she is 12 and has learned that her voice is important in all of this makes me one proud momma! I want both of my kids to know that what they went through and will continue to go through MATTERS! Their pain matters. Their voice matters. They matter.

josiep

And for the future, perhaps it would be better if you aren't aware of her dealings with her father. I assume you have full-time custody and he has visitation so that you make the major decisions about her life? If so, you don't need to know what they talk about when they're together, she can talk those things out with her IC.

Yes, I have full-time custody. Right now, our daughter spends no time with him at all. She is not ready. Some things have happened recently with her dad that have hurt her tremendously, yet again. Until he can prove to her that he is going to get his shit together, she is not going to put herself in a position to get hurt by him again.
He does take our 8 year old son out to dinner 1 time per week. Spends 2 hours with him. That is the extent of it. I have them the rest of the time. They are both very hurt and confused. I have been their stability and consistency. Their dad has been a lose cannon. A complete unstable existence in their lives. I must say however, financially, he is there 100%! Always has been. But that is the thing about him. He thinks if he provides for us financially, he can treat us like crap otherwise.
It would be easier for me to not have to hear my daughter talk to me about her dad all the time, but right now, I am the only parent she trusts in at all. I promised her I would be here for her 100%. This is one of the things I have been working with my IC on. I know it would better for my healing to not have to hear anything about him at all. It makes things harder. Dealing with having to help my kids through their own pain while I myself am still hurting tremendously. It is not an easy process for any of us, but I know in the end, my kids will know that I did it all for them. Thanks for the support I am slowly getting my life back and I know you will too! We all will

[This message edited by Mari104 at 3:05 PM, December 7th (Monday)]

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