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Unwanted contact and information

crazyblindsided posted 12/10/2020 11:49 AM

Received unwanted contact from STBX the other day because he was inquiring about an address of one of HIS family members. I lost my address book and all my documents and my son's documents during my move and let him know (bad bad idea). My STBX then went on to berate me about it. Saying that if something happens with my son's information being compromised it's all on me and why would I take the kid's documents with me when I was the one who left and not the kids I had no other choice as I couldn't take living with his emotional abuse anymore. My kids' rooms are there that's why they didn't come with me and they see me 50% of the time but guess he had to rub it in

Also my daughter told me that he's been telling her about all the women he's been chatting up lately and asked her if she would be nice to them Just seems so unfair that he's already dating and I can't even contemplate dating. Now I have been having nightmares of him rubbing his dates in my face.

I am no contact with him except the kids so I have been good with boundaries there I just don't want to hear about any of his new love interests. Do I ask my daughter not to tell me? Ugh

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 12:08 PM, December 10th (Thursday)]

EllieKMAS posted 12/10/2020 12:09 PM

I think your daughter is old enough for you to ask her nicely to keep info about dad's new sluts to himself. Something along the lines of "I wish your dad the best, but I don't feel it necessary to know about his romantic entanglements unless they are somehow negatively impacting you." Keep it short and sweet, but to me laying that boundary down is important for your mental well-being. I have had to do that with some friends and family too. It isn't the easiest thing to say, but I am really glad I've done so.

As for stbx - he can put on his big boy panties and figure out his own shit. No longer your problem unless it directly impacts the kids. Easier said than done, I know. And I will point out here too - he is their parent as well, so if he wants/needs docs, then he can damn well figure out how to get what he needs to take care of his children. Grrr - what a fuckin tool he is cbs

It's okay that you're not ready to date yet! IMHO it shows a lot of emotional maturity to know that you aren't ready for that. Don't even worry about it - just take care of yourself and take your time to heal. Reacquaint you with YOU. Let him have his relationshits - he has done zero work on himself so the chances of him actually having a good relationship are slim to none.

BearlyBreathing posted 12/10/2020 13:20 PM

relationshits

But so accurate. He’s just moving from one toxic stew of his creation to another. Same shit, new target/victim.
You are working on discovering who you are now, what you want, and how to be a partner to yourself—- and this will serve you going forward. You will be healthy and truly happy - I know you will.

As for dropping your guard: Meh, it happens. Lesson learned, shields up, and keep moving forward.

k8la posted 12/10/2020 19:03 PM

Keep in mind that narcissists need a constant supply to their ego, so of course he'd be out dating. You cut off his supply, so what's a narc to do?

Here's to your continued healing before you contemplate dating. That's the healthiest thing you could do right now. You've got to heal the wounds the narc vampire left you with.

Cooley2here posted 12/10/2020 19:27 PM

Sometimes you feel like their brains got put in backwards. With a narcy kind of person it is always something. They just have to keep things stirred up. They have no ability just to be still and not cause a stink.

Just keep NC going. It’s all you can do. Maybe he will find someone as nuts as he is and they can make a crazy twosome. In the meantime, not your circus, not your monkeys.

Cooley2here posted 12/10/2020 19:28 PM

Sometimes you feel like their brains got put in backwards. With a narcy kind of person it is always something. They just have to keep things stirred up. They have no ability just to be still and not cause a stink.

Just keep NC going. It’s all you can do. Maybe he will find someone as nuts as he is and they can make a crazy twosome. In the meantime, not your circus, not your monkeys.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 7:29 PM, December 10th (Thursday)]

crazyblindsided posted 12/16/2020 11:18 AM

STBX texted me last night that a mutual friend of ours who has been struggling with Cancer passed away yesterday. What makes me sick is that even his friend's death he made about himself saying "What a year I am having and what a trip his life is." Like WTF He will always be the victim and doesn't even realize his life is the way it is because of his actions. Makes me sick

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 11:35 AM, December 16th (Wednesday)]

DevastatedDee posted 12/16/2020 11:48 AM

Just seems so unfair that he's already dating and I can't even contemplate dating. Now I have been having nightmares of him rubbing his dates in my face.

Oh those poor poor women. You aren't watching your ex start dating, you're watching him troll for victims. It's not the same. You don't troll for victims.

KatieKat posted 12/17/2020 10:04 AM

You gave him this opening. Stop it!

J707 posted 12/17/2020 10:52 AM

Why the fuck is he telling his daughter this? Does he want a high school high five? Good job bro? That's disgusting to me.

During our separation and D, my ex was whoring herself out on Tinder or dating or whatever. Her narcissism needed it since I sure as hell wasn't giving her the supply.

I like Ellies advise of talking with your daughter. Of course you can't tell him to keep his crap to himself because he'll just twist it all around back to you.

skeetermooch posted 12/17/2020 11:58 AM

CBS - I'm so sorry you idiot STBX used his little window to shit on you again. What a fucking tool.

As to your daughter. I would tell her that you can imagine her dad sharing this is uncomfortable for her and give her some language to use with him. I went through this with my son when I divorced his dad. We came up with this, "I'm just a kid and I don't want to talk about grown up things." It might be something different with your daughter. But, generally I try to get underneath why the kids are telling me something and in this case she's probably deeply uncomfortable. Your STBX maybe using her as a substitute adult partner and sharing a lot of crap that's inappropriate. While your well-being is extremely important if she's only 14 she might really need some tools for creating boundaries to deal with this man child she's stuck with half of the time.

These men disgust the fuck out of me. Why do they exist?

Notmine posted 12/20/2020 13:55 PM

If he starts to berate you , hang up. Explain to him (if you feel like it - he will figure it out after the phone goes dead a few times) that you are not responsible for taking his crap anymore and if becomes inappropriate, the conversation ends. You can also do things by email or text. What a douche to be dragging your daughter into his sex life. I agree with Skeetermooch. It is important for her to begin to learn to set boundaries around despicable behavior.

barcher144 posted 12/21/2020 08:48 AM

Why the fuck is he telling his daughter this? Does he want a high school high five? Good job bro? That's disgusting to me.

I can give you the answer that my STBXW has given. Apparently, she now believes in being open and honest with our children because that's the correct thing to do!

(our custody evaluator disagreed with her, but whatevs, amiright?)

My STBXW had been "dating" her current BF for about 5 months when she introduced him to our kids. He has 5 alcohol-related convictions on his record (she described it as "he was once charged with a DUI" to the evaluator). She introduced him merely as a friend, suggested that the two of them were considering taking it romantic, and she asked the kids for their opinion.

Honestly, I think that they know that they fucked up their marriage with their lies and deceit, so they are now trying to show the kids how honest they are by lying. It's sick, twisted, narcissistic bullshit.

barcher144 posted 12/21/2020 09:00 AM

I am no contact with him except the kids so I have been good with boundaries there I just don't want to hear about any of his new love interests.

I don't know how to get there, but I know where you need to get. You have to wrap your mind around the fact that he is going to dating/sleeping with a lot of people.

The part that helped me the most was the mantra of "not my circus, not my monkeys." He is allowed to say and to do whatever he wants.

The other thing that helped me was to remember that (in my case) she was sleeping around when we were together, so why would it bother me that she's sleeping around when we are not?

The final thing that helped me was to learn that she was lying and cheating on the new guys too (I'm assuming that she told them that she wasn't dating other people, but who knows? Maybe has decided that consensual non-monogamy is for her?).

Do I ask my daughter not to tell me? Ugh

My STBXW tells my kids all sorts of things that she should not, mostly about the divorce (in an attempt to make me look bad). I initially responded with the truth, but then I stopped that.

It's actually far more effective to tell my kids "Mom should not be telling you that." This past summer, my daughter was angry and frustrated and yelled at me "I don't know which of you is lying! I think that both of you are lying!" Because I didn't respond to that bait, my daughter stopped asking me and I have started hearing less and less about her mother's crazy legal theories (to put it nicely).

My guess... with your daughter... is that it makes her uncomfortable to hear about your dad's dating life. It probably does. Her entire worldview is one in which her parents are married and this is probably very difficult for her.

I would suggest that you ask her if it makes her uncomfortable to hear about it. If so, then you can tell him that he is making your daughter uncomfortable (and hurting her) by sharing this information with her.

crazyblindsided posted 12/21/2020 10:37 AM

The other thing that helped me was to remember that (in my case) she was sleeping around when we were together, so why would it bother me that she's sleeping around when we are not?

Yes this is exactly what I tell myself. I'm not as bothered by him dating as I am with him discussing this with our daughter. I honestly feel sorry for whoever is with him.


It's actually far more effective to tell my kids "Mom should not be telling you that." This past summer, my daughter was angry and frustrated and yelled at me "I don't know which of you is lying! I think that both of you are lying!" Because I didn't respond to that bait, my daughter stopped asking me and I have started hearing less and less about her mother's crazy legal theories (to put it nicely).

Ok good this is how I reacted to it and I did ask her how it made her feel and she says she doesn't care, but then also says that she can't wait to move away from both of us. So I do think it is bothering her on some level.

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