wayshegoesboys posted 12/15/2020 16:23 PM

[This message edited by wayshegoesboys at 3:25 AM, December 20th (Sunday)]

EllieKMAS posted 12/15/2020 16:49 PM

Uffda - I'm sorry. It is awful to not feel secure in your own home.

I would recommend running these questions by some lawyers in free consults if you can. Kicking her out might not be easy unfortunately. In my case the house was in my name only, but legally I would have been in hot water if I just changed the locks on him. You may end up having to file separation paperwork then serve her with an order of eviction. Do some digging on your county website. if she is under the care of a therapist, you might also consider talking to them so she has support in place for when all this shakes down.

I would also recommend getting a restraining order in place. Not that it will stop her doing crazy shit, but it does set a legally enforceable boundary if she does try anything. IF you can enlist her parents help that would be great for you, but I will caution you that once all the chips are down blood does tend to be thicker than water - not always, but don't be surprised if that happens. I get the childhood stuff too, but please give yourself credit. Those feelings are real and valid but they don't have to own you. If you're not in IC, that's another thing I would highly recommend for you so you can get some help sorting through all this. And Al-anon. Dealing with addicts is a special kind of hell and Al-anon or a similar support group could help you to deal with all of those feelings too.

I think for you it's 'plan for the worst and hope for the best'. Please take care of yourself - force yourself to eat, make sure to drink water, and get enough sleep (with pharmaceutical assistance if needed). Try to avoid alcohol for the time being too. I know it's tempting to check out, but it's too easy for shit to get out of control if you're drunk. And the last thing you need right now is her pushing your buttons and getting the cops called if you lose your temper.

Freeme posted 12/15/2020 16:52 PM

Please, please, please get yourself a VAR (voice Activated Recorder) and have it on you when ever you are alone with her. Also, please call the police is she is doing anything illegal... it's not about you being able to take care of yourself it's about documentation... Creating a record of her mental illness. If she's DUI..

Talk to her parents get a feel for if they are willing to take her in. Let them know the basics but only give details if they ask...

Are you sure you can legally kick her out? I know all states are different but I'm not sure you can keep her from staying with you if she decides not to leave. If it's legal I'd get the locks changed.

Can she get into any of your financial accounts? Is there anything you value that she could sell? Other money she could get to?
Some lawyers offer a one hour free consult. You might be able to use that to get some questions answered.

Do not have sex with her. You don't need her to get pg on top off all this. Don't share a room with her and lock the door when you go to sleep.

Keep posting to let us know you are alright. I'm sorry you are having to go through this.

messyleslie posted 12/17/2020 19:07 PM

I would do nothing. If you feel like you absolutely have to notify them, then I would just let them know you filed for divorce, and you are concerned about your WW and as you will no longer be married you cannot take care of her and wanted to make sure they checked with her.

She is an adult. She shouldn’t need anyone taking care of her period. This is her family and her story. If they want details they can ask her.

I really struggled with what to tell my ex’s family. He is very unwell, like in the hospital and completely mentally unstable unwell and his family had no idea. But it wasn’t my responsibility to rescue him nor is it yours to rescue her. She is going to need to figure it out and if that means she has no where to live for a while before she ends up at her parents then so be it.

Freeing yourself from any responsibility of what happens to her will give you so much more energy to focus on taking care of your basic needs. I never realized how much time and emotional energy I spent worrying about my ex and trying to micromanage his recovery and looking for programs for him and people who could help until I just stopped. You are not her caretaker. You are her soon to be ex husband.

There was also this every so slight part of me that really wanted his family to know this wasn’t my fault. That he was to blame and well I had to force myself not to defend myself by telling the story. I got to the point where I don’t care what they think. I just got an email from my ex SIL saying she cares for both of us and she will always be there and love me and it was very sweet but she said something like “I will never take sides on arguments between you two” and I was super annoyed. Like what sides? You brother was an abusove alcoholic who cheated on me and went crazy while I have spent the last year of my life raising our three young children on my own with no support or help or money from him. There are no sides. But I just kept my mouth shut and said thanks.

I wouldn’t say anything. If you feel like you need to tell them, tell them but make it two sentences via email so it’s not a discussion. You are removing her from your life and you have to remove yourself from hers too.

[This message edited by messyleslie at 7:08 PM, December 17th (Thursday)]

The1stWife posted 12/18/2020 04:01 AM

Please know we understand your pain. No one wants to have to be the bad guy but as you have realized, it’s your sanity or her.

Good for you for choosing you!

I was forced to make the same decision during my H’s mid life crisis affair. The one where he wanted to D me. The one where he planned to go sailing off into the sunset with the OW. The one that would have left me with all the responsibility of raising the kids, house, finances — you know — life.

But it came down to him or me. And I chose me. And I wound do it again every time. Some people are beyond help unfortunately.

Hang in there.

Tigersrule77 posted 12/18/2020 09:56 AM

You can't continue to live in fear. I understand that D can be scary, especially with someone who is unstable. You have to think about yourself first. Just as you are not responsible for her A's, you are not responsible for her drug relapses or how she chooses to deal with the D.

I agree that you should let her parents know about the D and the reason (no details necessary, just "she was unfaithful"). She will need their support.

All you can control is yourself. It sounds like you are a capable person and when you focus on something, you put all of your efforts into. So make that focus YOU. What you need. If you need money, figure out a way. Take a second job. It won't be easy, but the sooner you start, the better off you will be. No one is going to solve your problems, except for you.

On the bright side, you have a bright future ahead, once you are past this. You will be able to decide what you want the rest of your life to be and how you want to live. You will be cutting a big negative influence out of your life.

Stay focused on yourself.

Westway posted 12/18/2020 10:00 AM

Just sit her parents down and tell them outright. Stick to the facts. You don't need to go into details, just be direct and businesslike.

Westway posted 12/18/2020 10:00 AM

My posts are doubling... don't know why...

[This message edited by Westway at 10:01 AM, December 18th (Friday)]

AnnieOakley posted 12/18/2020 10:35 AM

You’ve gotten good advice about lawyers, sticking to the facts with her parents, etc. I wanted to reiterate the point about a voice activated recorder (Amazon, Best Buy) for your protection. At the very least be prepared to record on your phone. You have mentioned you are fearful of what she may do, please protect yourself.

wayshegoesboys posted 12/20/2020 03:36 AM

I think I've been reading too much at this point. Still not sure what will happen, but I had to talk to her and she was more honest about everything. Thanks for the replies and I'll keep them in mind.