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WH not excepting the reality

InMyHead posted 12/18/2020 07:54 AM

I was reading a post a few days ago and the 180 was recommended and thats when I realized that I've done a 180. In the past I tried it and was unsuccessful and I realizing it was because WH is a manipulative POS and his counter attacks worked everytime except this time. Now that I've made the decision to move forward with D the 180 just came natural and WH can't handle it. He's aware that I want a D, but instead of excepting it he attempts to fix things by playing nice, but once he realized that I'm not reciprocating he turns cold and defensive this I've never delt with in the past and honestly it doesn't bother me. He doesn't like the change and that I don't respond to his negativity the thought of my life after D is what keeps me going it is literally all I think about. I'm very vague with him and we have good days which seems to be the friendship that never died . This however won't change the fact that I'm done. I've decided to move out in March and their are days when I think I can't make it past the day. What advice from my fellow divorcees, aside from the 180 what else did you do to make the transition easy.

leafields posted 12/18/2020 09:33 AM

We were IHS for awhile, which was awful. Moving to my own place helped a lot. There were times when I missed the companionship at first because we'd been together for so long. That only lasted a short time, though. I'm happy & content for the first time in years.

Tigersrule77 posted 12/18/2020 09:43 AM

I'm not sure who figured out that the 180 is the BEST thing a BS can do for themselves, but we all owe them a lot! I know I would have been better off if I understood that the first time XWW cheated. It's one of many things from this community that helped me.

Westway posted 12/18/2020 09:48 AM

Just stay strong and keep moving forward. Remember, the secret to the 180 is to concentrate on those aspects of it that promote emotional independence and self improvement. It's not just about treating him like a piece of the furniture, it is mostly about fortifying and building yourself up independent of him.

What helped me was I printed the 180 out and literally taped it to my bathroom mirror. Every morning when I shaved I would read it it over and over, until all 34 steps were grooved into my brain. Eventually I started living what I was reading and it got easier to fend off my xWW's attempts to manipulate me. Steps 15 through 26 are awesome when dealing with your WS. Doing these rocked my xWW back on her heels and eventually taught her that I was transforming into a brick wall with her. She eventually stopped her b.s. and attempts to lure me into fights.

Take away the control, and then keep it for yourself. Your WH craves control... control over you, and the 180 gives it back to you.

InMyHead posted 12/18/2020 12:02 PM

We were IHS for awhile, which was awful. Moving to my own place helped a lot. There were times when I missed the companionship at first because we'd been together for so long. That only lasted a short time, though. I'm happy & content for the first time in years.

I know once I move on to my own happiness will follow, its definitely hard I really hate coming home and love when he's not around.

InMyHead posted 12/18/2020 12:07 PM

I'm not sure who figured out that the 180 is the BEST thing a BS can do for themselves, but we all owe them a lot! I know I would have been better off if I understood that the first time XWW cheated. It's one of many things from this community that helped me.

MC helped me understand a lot about my WH and trolling SI ... I just wished I would have reached this point along time ago, I have zero desire to understand and answer seek I literally just want to be free of WH... I don't know if the 180 as a whole will help me further but the emotional attachment has been severed however I should look into taking care of myself more but I don't.

InMyHead posted 12/18/2020 12:20 PM

Just stay strong and keep moving forward. Remember, the secret to the 180 is to concentrate on those aspects of it that promote emotional independence and self improvement. It's not just about treating him like a piece of the furniture, it is mostly about fortifying and building yourself up independent of him.

I definitely need to focus on self care I just can't find the motivation. After years of depression I found myself just dragging through the days, weeks and months... I tried getting up and going for a morning walk, it was a jump start but then I feel back into my old ways... I honestly think I need to get away from him before I can completely work on me 100%

crazyblindsided posted 12/18/2020 12:23 PM

(((InMyHead))) this part is tough but just keep on doing the 180 and when he tries to get a reaction out of you try gray rocking. I was IHS for a year and it was literally hell on earth I don't know how I got through it, but I finally moved out in September of this year and the peace of mind is so wonderful. I love being alone and have no more chaos surrounding me. Just keep going and you will get there.

crazyblindsided posted 12/18/2020 12:24 PM

I definitely need to focus on self care I just can't find the motivation. After years of depression I found myself just dragging through the days, weeks and months... I tried getting up and going for a morning walk, it was a jump start but then I feel back into my old ways... I honestly think I need to get away from him before I can completely work on me 100%

I was same way and you are correct you will feel so much better when you are away and will be able to focus on yourself.

Westway posted 12/18/2020 12:31 PM

InMyHead

I definitely need to focus on self care I just can't find the motivation. After years of depression I found myself just dragging through the days, weeks and months... I tried getting up and going for a morning walk, it was a jump start but then I feel back into my old ways... I honestly think I need to get away from him before I can completely work on me 100%

Then change tack.

Start the morning by stretching.

Stretch for a good thirty minutes at morning and night before bed. Stretching your joints and muscles releases endorphins that will make you feel better almost immediately. After a good stretch, then you can go for a short to medium walk. Do a medium distance walk at a fast pace. Get your heartrate up, but don't overdo it. Start with a half mile the first week, then a mile, then a mile and half... adding a half mile every week. The trick is to keep the pace brisk, but no so long that you end up overtaxing your legs.

Ease into it. Stretch and stretch some more.

[This message edited by Westway at 12:32 PM, December 18th (Friday)]

JBWD posted 12/18/2020 12:39 PM

I'm very vague with him and we have good days which seems to be the friendship that never died .

You can build a little bit of relief from the challenges youíre having by removing any vagueness- Simply remind him that your mind is made up and this is the future. Iím in much the same boat as your WH, and itís taken me YEARS to accept. Our history contains lots of rugsweeping, and that set lots of precedent for an easy ďreturn to normalĒ which isnít happening, nor should it. I know itís extra work for you that heís not owed, but you might get through to him and give yourself some relief until youíre out.

homewrecked2011 posted 12/22/2020 22:54 PM

Do you have to wait until March to move out? If not, try to get out sooner. Also make up your mind now, that if he ever shows up at your door, you will not answer the door, just call the police if he doesnít go away. Took 7 calls to the police b4 my WS finally got the message that I was done and not participating in his crazymaking.
Btw-I didnít explain, argue, nothing! He got total silence from me. Thatís really the only way to shut down the whole picture.

skeetermooch posted 12/23/2020 18:17 PM

Living with someone you're planning on leaving is exhausting imo. Just the energy of constantly enforcing boundaries and fending off their attempts to engage. Hell, having to look at them after the trauma they caused is pretty intense. So, that effort might be rendering you too tired to do all the self-care you'd like to do. I think you'll get a burst of energy when you're out of there.

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