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Just an update

TheLostOne2020 posted 12/21/2020 08:29 AM

So I have a link to my story in my bio. Basically I found out January first that my STBXW was cheating on me and had been for essentially five years (5 years EA, 2 years PA, roughly). It was a horrible experience, she was callous and ego centric and basically treated me like pig-shit. Anywho, I separated from her, hired a mediator to come up with a separation agreement. Right now I've hired another lawyer to turn that separation agreement into a divorce agreement (or whatever they're called). It was a bit more expensive than I thought, but whatever.

Basically on January 2nd the process starts and five weeks after that I will be officially divorced. I could have paid extra for a rush process but it was already more expensive than I thought it was going to be and that would only shave off three weeks.

My STBXW has paid exactly zero towards any of this. It's just a further reflection of her character in my opinion, but whatever. I find that the only thing that irritates me is that I've had to foot most of this on my own dime. I'm chalking it up to an expensive lesson. Pay attention to red flags and prioritize yourself and your value.

It's been a lot better than I thought it would be, back in February. I'm generally okay - I feel like I've made a lot of progress. I'm kind of concerned that I'm compartmentalizing and whether or not that's healthy.

Basically I tend to view my 'old wife' as non-existent, if that makes sense. It's like she died. All that's left is the mother of my children. I don't include her or fill her in on what I'm doing and I don't care what she's doing. She'll occasionally talk about stuff when I'm picking up the kids or whatever but I largely don't pay attention.

skeetermooch posted 12/21/2020 09:20 AM

Sounds like you're doing really well and have gotten quite a lot accomplished in a short time. Of course she won't pay her share (which is all of it considering she caused the D) because she's got no compunction to be fair or make this easier on the person she's harmed. You might be compartmentalizing (I'm no therapist) but the brain can only process so much at a time. After the ink is dry on the D, you may find more emotions come up and you're onto processing those then. It's a lot.

TheLostOne2020 posted 12/21/2020 09:44 AM

skeetermooch

Sounds like you're doing really well and have gotten quite a lot accomplished in a short time.

Thanks, I appreciate it. I feel like I've come a long way.

Of course she won't pay her share (which is all of it considering she caused the D) because she's got no compunction to be fair or make this easier on the person she's harmed.

That's a true and accurate picture. Honestly I've tried to get into that headspace a time or two, I've read posts in the Wayward Section and I just don't understand her POV. So I stopped trying long ago. It doesn't matter anyway. She's alien to me at this point.

You might be compartmentalizing (I'm no therapist) but the brain can only process so much at a time. After the ink is dry on the D, you may find more emotions come up and you're onto processing those then. It's a lot.

That's a good point. The way I currently feel is that I have to deal with her, minimally, for the kids. That's all I want to deal with her for. So I've tried to mentally assign her a quasi-coworker type relationship. It seems to be working for me.

DanielJK posted 12/21/2020 13:14 PM

Thanks for the post.

I'm getting ready to file, so I like to hear from others who are ahead of me.

I wish you the best.

I'm having a hard time getting through this. I hope I have the poise that I have seen from others on here like you. I'm not sure at this point how I'm going to deal with someone who hurt me so badly. I have no interest in being friends with someone who hurt me so bad.

Bigger posted 12/21/2020 14:43 PM

Isn’t her cost in some way accounted in the settlement?
Like if you have assets of 50k, divorce costs 5k then you she get’s 20 and you 30 with the stipulation you pay the divorce cost? End-result is that you both have 20k but the divorce paid.
Divorce is in its own way fair and the courts are aware that they cost so I would think that any cost incurred should be fairly equally divided.

This0is0Fine posted 12/21/2020 15:06 PM

Thanks for the update, I've been following along since you got here (about the same time as me...). The reality is that all ways forward after an affair suck. Divorce offers certain freedom from infidelity with your STBXWW. That ending is surely a relief. I wish you the best as you work toward the life you want.

TheLostOne2020 posted 12/21/2020 15:30 PM

DanielJK

I'm getting ready to file, so I like to hear from others who are ahead of me.

I wish you the best.

Thanks - honestly once I was out things got better for me mentally. Also, I posted A LOT here. I talked to friends, family. I gassed myself out talking about it. I think that's what helped. There are some really good and caring people here.

I'm having a hard time getting through this. I hope I have the poise that I have seen from others on here like you. I'm not sure at this point how I'm going to deal with someone who hurt me so badly. I have no interest in being friends with someone who hurt me so bad.

Believe me, I get it. I don't always have poise. With time it gets easier. I plan on coparenting with her but that's about it. I'm not trying to be friends with someone who could do what she did to another person.

Bigger

Isn’t her cost in some way accounted in the settlement?
Like if you have assets of 50k, divorce costs 5k then you she get’s 20 and you 30 with the stipulation you pay the divorce cost? End-result is that you both have 20k but the divorce paid.
Divorce is in its own way fair and the courts are aware that they cost so I would think that any cost incurred should be fairly equally divided.

Technically she should have to pay half for this, but she's tight on money and I'm not waiting. Fuck that. She's drug her heals every step of the way. In order to apply the gas I have to pay. It's not great but it's what I'm determined to do. If I don't do it this way then the whole thing stalls and I'm doing this as fast as possible for my mental wellbeing. It's hard to explain but I feel better getting this shit completed.

This0is0Fine

Thanks for the update, I've been following along since you got here (about the same time as me...). The reality is that all ways forward after an affair suck. Divorce offers certain freedom from infidelity with your STBXWW. That ending is surely a relief. I wish you the best as you work toward the life you want.

Yeah, they really do suck. I agree. I'm looking forward to the ending. Every step I've made I've felt better. I think that once it's finalized I'll feel a lot freer and a lot better.

She called me a freight train when I was still talking to her about this shit. Well, choo-choo!

HalfTime2017 posted 12/21/2020 16:47 PM

You shouldnt have to foot the bill yourself. In your separation agreement, just subtract half the legal bill away from what she gets and it goes back into your column. Done and Done.

Good luck the rest of the way, you're going to be fine.

TheLostOne2020 posted 12/21/2020 18:03 PM

HalfTime2017

You shouldnt have to foot the bill yourself. In your separation agreement, just subtract half the legal bill away from what she gets and it goes back into your column. Done and Done.

Thing is, there wasn't much to get. I'm going to be okay, it's just irritating. I'm going to be able to wash my hands of all of this and that's all I really care about in the end.

Good luck the rest of the way, you're going to be fine.

Yeah, I think so.

I do wish we didn't have to coparent. I envy those who can make a clean break.

Marz posted 12/21/2020 19:11 PM

No contact is your best friend.

Look up “grey rocking”.

J707 posted 12/21/2020 20:12 PM

I paid for my entire divorce too. Not a penny from exww. I was fortunate to use my employer's lawyer at an extremely discounted rate though. I just wanted it done and finalized. Still took some time.

I will say, it did irritate me when she tried to say one of those "And that's why I divorced you!" She didn't lift a finger during the whole process. Which didn't surprise me at all.

But as you are ending this road, some emotions may come up, some ruminating but you'll feel a weight lifted. Enjoy the new chapter with your kids. You'll be fine.

Bleu posted 12/22/2020 03:59 AM

Thank you for posting. Congratulations!

I also have kids and am finding coparenting to be quite challenging.

TheLostOne2020 posted 12/22/2020 07:49 AM

Marz

No contact is your best friend.
Look up “grey rocking”.

I am familiar with that, actually. I think as more time goes by I'm getting more and more there.

J707

I paid for my entire divorce too. Not a penny from exww. I was fortunate to use my employer's lawyer at an extremely discounted rate though. I just wanted it done and finalized. Still took some time.

I'm fortunate that the total cost wasn't that extreme. If it had been I think I would have forced things to go a different way.

I will say, it did irritate me when she tried to say one of those "And that's why I divorced you!" She didn't lift a finger during the whole process. Which didn't surprise me at all.

My ex played the victim throughout the beginning of all of this. She would constantly ask for time, while still seeing the AP, and that she couldn't be on my schedule or some shit. It was horrible, but once i made the decision that it was truly over it was a lot easier.

But as you are ending this road, some emotions may come up, some ruminating but you'll feel a weight lifted. Enjoy the new chapter with your kids. You'll be fine.

Thanks. I do feel a lot better. The beginning of the year was incredibly dark for me, although, not as bad as five years ago when I discovered her emotional affair. I find that weird. Maybe in the back of my head I knew I could never trust her again? I dunno.

Bleu

Thank you for posting. Congratulations!

Thanks!

I also have kids and am finding coparenting to be quite challenging.

Considering some other stories I've heard about coparenting I think I'm lucky. So I'm not complaining too much. I'm sure everyone who coparents on this site (or most?) would rather not do so.

Tigersrule77 posted 12/22/2020 09:00 AM

It was horrible, but once i made the decision that it was truly over it was a lot easier.

I had the same experience. It was amazing to me. I think it was all of the stress because you are fighting to save something (that couldn't be saved) but once you accept that, you can let go of the struggle.

I'm glad you found that space and that peace. Glad to hear you are almost through and in a good place.

Katz13 posted 12/22/2020 09:51 AM

I'm happy that you can view her in such a non emotional way. I so envy that. Any tips on how to get there? I definitely don't think of wanting him back. It's more of constant thinking about all the ways he treated me badly and most of all having my son to go spend time with someone who didn't give two shits about destroying his family. Add to that it maybe a while till the divorce goes through and he doesn't pay the right amount of child support. Try as I might, I can't stop the angry thoughts.

Butforthegrace posted 12/22/2020 10:21 AM

"We were one list away from fixing this."

You should give her the divorce terms in the form of a list. "Honey, here is the last list you'll ever get from me."

TheLostOne2020 posted 12/22/2020 15:15 PM

Tigersrule77

I had the same experience. It was amazing to me. I think it was all of the stress because you are fighting to save something (that couldn't be saved) but once you accept that, you can let go of the struggle.

I'm glad you found that space and that peace. Glad to hear you are almost through and in a good place.

Thank you and yeah, it's like when you admit it to yourself and you step back and survey all the damage you realize 'there's no fucking way to fix this, I'd be a fool for trying and I sure as shit will never believe that she's trying'. Then it all becomes easier.

Katz13

I'm happy that you can view her in such a non emotional way. I so envy that. Any tips on how to get there? I definitely don't think of wanting him back. It's more of constant thinking about all the ways he treated me badly and most of all having my son to go spend time with someone who didn't give two shits about destroying his family. Add to that it maybe a while till the divorce goes through and he doesn't pay the right amount of child support. Try as I might, I can't stop the angry thoughts.

I mean, things will pop up and bug you for a while. That said, I think just absorbing the massive amount of fucked up shit she did and was willing to do to me pretty much made me think of her as an alien. This wasn't the woman I married (or, perhaps, the woman I thought I married). I literally did not know who this person was.

I feel lucky that I got two great kids out of this and that I'm able to walk away from that nightmare. I can't imagine struggling to try to make it work with her. That would be Hell.

The angry thoughts will come. Try to focus them into something positive. I went to the gym a lot, dropped 100 pounds, and focused on the shit I needed to. Every step I took to free myself - no matter how small - felt fucking good.

Butforthegrace

"We were one list away from fixing this."
You should give her the divorce terms in the form of a list. "Honey, here is the last list you'll ever get from me."

Lol, what a self-absorbed asshole she was for that. I remember being gobsmacked by that. Utterly stunned. So much she did early on was just stunning.

Another favorite was two days (I think, memory is fuzzy) after marriage counseling, when she promised to give the marriage a 6 month shot at working, she was on the phone with her AP telling him that she just had to ride out the marriage counseling for a few months so she could get out of debt OR her other option would be to fake recovery and string me along in a sexless marriage while she went on vacations and shit with him.

But 'I misheard her' or 'misunderstood'. Yeah...Okay. Well, unlike her I am very clear and we will be divorced soon enough.

I'm legit surprised that I'm still capable of wanting a relationship with women.

I actually brought the whole list thing up to someone I've been talking to. She wanted to know some of the details - she was speechless. She said that my ex should have been focusing on doing everything possible to repair things, instead she had the audacity to say I had to complete items on a list before she'd stop cheating?

I'll be honest, I have given serious thought to sending her AP flowers with a big card saying 'thank you'.


But I'm not really into drama and, well, I just don't care. The reality is that what my STBXW did to me (and planned on doing) actually helped me detach from her and helped me come to terms with the fact that some people are just rotten.

Butforthegrace posted 12/22/2020 19:02 PM

I'll be honest, I have given serious thought to sending her AP flowers with a big card saying 'thank you'.

That would be epic.

TheLostOne2020 posted 12/23/2020 07:55 AM

Butforthegrace

That would be epic.

I'm not all that into drama and I'm just looking to wash my hands of all of this...

...

But I might do it sometime in the new year...

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