thishurts123 posted 12/31/2020 02:19 AM

My divorce is almost two years ago and the shit storm started about four years ago on DD. He is not with the OW any longer but with another poor unsuspecting soul Ex lives five states away and is now very involved in his new family. New woman has children similar in age to mine and he is very involved in their lives. My children resent this and have said so to him. He gets annoyed and tells them they need to get over it.

My oldest is 20. He's been clear that he wants a relationship with Dad but is not ready to become part of some "blended family his father is trying to create". Ex is an absolute narcissist and I am happy to see my son setting boundaries. At the same time I feel bad that this is not getting better. Ex and I communicate mostly through text - I try very hard not to engage him because of his controlling tendencies - even though we are no longer together he tries to "take over" in any/all situations. My gut says to stay out of it - they need to work it out themselves.

Has anyone had this type of situation? It's really hard for him. I can move on from EX but he can't as it's his father we're talking about. His younger sister navigates it better. She met GF once and was not impressed (her words not mine). I will add that DD was very upset with Dad and GF when they met because they basically ignored her and played grab ass/kissy face the whole time while at dinner. She came home in tears and has not been together with them since.

GF may be right as rain but my kids and their father have a bad history. Dad forgets that but they remember it all vividly. Rather than address it my guess is Dad just thinks that time will give him what he wants eventually. Dad is not capable nor willing to consider he is mostly to blame for the breakdown in his relationship with his children.

I found out today (through ex-BIL) that XWH and GF got engaged over Christmas. Ex has not said anything to the kids but my fear is they will not take it well. I'm worried that a full-on split will happen between them as it is clear Dad doesn't care about their feelings as much as he does moving on in his life. I understand wanting happiness and someone to love but I can not imagine doing that with my children being so unhappy with me. He will end up choosing his new family and break my children's hearts. I am sick inside over this situation, Sorry for the ramble. I guess I needed to get it out.

Happy New Year all!

The1stWife posted 12/31/2020 02:57 AM

Good news! They live with a stable caring rational parent who puts the children’s needs first.

Bad news! Their father doesn’t behave the same way.

Maybe you need to speak with a professional counselor on these issues. This way you provide yourself and your kids with the best way to handle this situation.

Discuss how to tell the kids their father is engaged. Because it appears that will be your responsibility unfortunately. They should hear it soon so they are not kept in the dark and can trust you will always be honest.

Continue to tell your kids that people often make poor choices in life. And it’s nothing to do with them but it’s who their father is or chooses to be.

Muggle posted 1/5/2021 23:27 PM

You are the support system for your kids, but they need to navigate their relationship with their father.

It's hard not to want to help them have a functional relationship, and to mend the fences for them when possible. As mothers we try to shield them from things that hurt them. This is one of those times they need to clearly see and decide if they want him in their lives.

They have hard decisions to make. Accept his behaviors and indifference and move on with whatever form the relationship takes, or set boundaries and stick with them.

The longer it takes them to figure out what they want and whether they will ever have it with him, the harder it will be. It's hard to realize you are an option rather than a priority.

Narcissists do not want to dwell in the past, they forge forward with little regard to the damage path or feelings of others. They will not have a healthy relationship with him as long as he sets the narrative.

What doesn't feed your soul, let go of. Let them experience it, and find their own balance in it. You can't protect them from this, but let them know if they need to talk or vent you are there, but let them resolve it themselves.

Phoenix1 posted 1/6/2021 01:45 AM

My gut says to stay out of it - they need to work it out themselves.

Your gut is correct. It is not your job to navigate or try to repair their relationship. That is entirely your ex's responsibility. He broke it so he needs to fix it. Your kids are old enough to decide if they want to have a relationship with their father. Your job is to support their decision, whatever that may be, and continue to be the stable parent in their lives they know they can turn to and count on.

My kids are adults. They have written off their selfish father and want nothing to do with him. He has shown them through his shitty actions that he really doesn't care. He's got five biological kids (four mothers) and not a single kid is in his life.

My relationship with my kids is very strong, and they know they can always count on me.

It hurts, as a parent, to watch our kids get their heart broken by their other parent. We naturally want to fix it for our kids. But you cannot control your ex. You can't compel him to do the right thing. Being the bystander and watching what may well be a slow train wreck is very hard, but that's essentially what you must do. IC may be helpful for your DS.

Oh, and Xhole has remarried some unknown victim and he has never said a word about it to our kids. I told them. They just rolled their eyes. That was about two years ago and kids have never met the new wifey. I just hope she's up to taking care of his sorry ass as he ages (he's 65) cuz my kids sure won't be doing it!

Charity411 posted 1/6/2021 09:57 AM

I agree with the others. Trust your gut and stay out of it. These things have a way of working themselves out on their own. It will happen when you least expect it.

skeetermooch posted 1/6/2021 10:25 AM

Have to agree. My son's father is a narcissist - not a cheater though - but horrible narc. I am here for support and advice and to validate him when he needs it but otherwise I stay out of it. I always couch my commentary in loving and neutral ways that don't villainize his dad but acknowledge that dad has issues to be navigated around. My son loves his dad and wants some connection. He chooses to keep contact very minimal because that's what feels right for him.