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Spiraling

crazyblindsided posted 1/18/2021 00:01 AM

I知 not doing so good tonight. I guess I was hoping STBXs life would fall apart after I left but seems to be doing better while my life is falling apart. My son said his dad gives him $20 a week allowance while I struggle in an apartment now. He gets his mom痴 big house, can afford to give the kids things I cannot and pretty soon he値l probably find a nice attractive young woman and his perfect life will be complete.

I would never want to be back with him but I just feel like I get the raw end of the deal. I got a marriage of lies being cheated and psychologically abused, but he gets to move on nicely in life. I don稚 know why but I also feel like I知 losing the kids to him too.

I知 starting to get suicidal thoughts again like what is the point of this life. He gets whatever he wants and is able to move on while I am so damaged and now struggling financially, getting older that I知 sure he is enjoying watching my downfall. Life has been cruel to me and I知 beginning to think there is no justice or happy ending.

BearlyBreathing posted 1/18/2021 00:53 AM

CBS- I am so sorry you are hurting right now. Please write down the suicide hotline and have it in front of you.

His life is illusions and lies. Yours is hard right now but authentic and true. Your kids are kids....they will like some of the things their father does but over time they will see through his bullshit and see you as the parent who put them first. We see it here a lot. Trust that as they grow and mature they will be able to see the truth.

You may be damaged but you are healing. You will heal and be even more amazing than you already are. He will remain a shithead.

Hang in there- I know the world is a better place with you in it. You show so many here on SI your compassion and wisdom and kindness all the time. (((Hugs)))
And please call that hotline- 800-273-8255

[This message edited by BearlyBreathing at 1:00 AM, January 18th, 2021 (Monday)]

Katz13 posted 1/18/2021 03:29 AM

You are not alone. I feel the same way. Is there a way to get counseling? I keep waiting for the karma bus but it's not coming. Therapist told me instead of waiting on it do all good things for yourself. I started small: started walking everyday for better health, cut my grocery bill in half by just buying what will get eaten that week, started earning a little more money by tutoring in the evenings. I also started making a list of all the things that are better since he's gone,for example, I can watch what I want on tv. Best advice I'm trying to follow too is focus solely on what you can do best for you. Get outside help and don't believe the stbx has a better life. This way if the karma bus does show up, it's a surprise bonus.

Graphite posted 1/18/2021 04:19 AM

Crazyblindsided I am so sorry you are feeling like this and wish I could give you a hug.

I also want to say, as a new person to this forum, how much your wise words and warm spririt have stood out and spoken to me. Thank you.

I am sure your children know and feel your value. Do they know he is the cause of your great suffering? If you feel remote from them perhaps you should share your fears.

I really relate to the 'where is the justice in the world?' train of thought. People tell me all the time I have the moral high ground but I can think what's the point of tbat if I am struggling to enjoy my life in the present while he is bright and breezy with his new toys. I wouldn't want to be him, I wouldn't want such a broken person back, but I still want to be more than a shadow of my former myself.

I think the fault lies in the proposition where we connect and compare. I do or am this WHILE he does or this. I get suffering, he gets to flourish. Which is unhelpful. We should instead list the ways in which we are great human beings and they are not. And try and do things which make us feel connected to our own creative pulse.

I am trying to cultivate a mindset, call it moments, where I get acquisitive about what I want. I want colour, radiance, ease, a sense of synchronicity. So I tell myself I can get those feelings again, I can seek out new adventures, however small, when lockdown finishes.

They take our vitality so we mourn when we see or think they have theirs. The only work now is to recover your vitality. You are entitled to feel vital, not just as if you are surviving. I want to tell you, as I was helpfully told by Bentandbroken You can do this.

That life is gone but you need to get acquisitive about a new life, however ridiculous that sounds with broken bones.

You mentioned in one of your posts you used to have a flourishing career? Do you mind if I ask what that was? I feel you aee a hugely free spirit with such a lot to offer. I just wondered what your vocation was.

Sending you light.


The1stWife posted 1/18/2021 07:15 AM

Stop focusing on 斗ife is not fair and instead what you can do to improve your life. As you start to make small changes and mo e away from him and what you perceive as 塗is good life you will start to feel better.

About you. About your future. About your options.

Neanderthal posted 1/18/2021 09:12 AM

I don稚 know why but I also feel like I知 losing the kids to him too.
Looking back at your childhood now. What positive things do you remember? What had a lasting impact? My guess is it wasn't how much your allowance was. You probably remember the words of encouragement, and unwavering love. The sacrifices made to offer you a better life. Having a parent (or two) that would listen, comfort and then offer sound life advice. Personally I can vividly remember the struggles my mom endured raising me. I am so grateful and proud of her. Your kids will be too.

Continue to love your children and do the best YOU can.

Also, can you rewrite what a happy ending would be? Maybe it's time for a new script....

Hang in there.

crazyblindsided posted 1/18/2021 11:13 AM

Thank you for lifting me up. I don't know why I fall into these self-hating spirals. It is something I have to constantly work on. I do tele therapy with my IC every other week due to Covid. I do have a good career in the Graphic Arts so I am very thankful for that, I worked hard to get where I am at in my career. I make pretty good money but it goes quickly as the cost of living is high here. There was a time when I had to support my STBX. When I met him he didn't even complete his high school diploma and I encouraged him to complete that (which he did). I even helped him get his current business going and have always been there to root him on and now he is successful making more money than I am and he has criticized my career as not being or making enough.

I don't know why I am bothered by him throwing money at the kids, I guess I should be happy he is doing it. It just feels disingenuous to me like he is buying their love. I practically raised the kids by myself as he was not around much and didn't help me with them when they were younger. He just recently started to help out by picking them up from school the last 6 years because of my work hours.

He also tries to paint me as a bad parent because now he claims he is home all day with them and I have to work. His job has flexible hours. It's funny now that I left he is home but when we were together I never saw him. He would get home at 11 pm every night.

Healing from this has been excruciating. I know I have a lot to offer and I love to help others. I need to start helping myself I don't know why it is so hard for me.

crazyblindsided posted 1/18/2021 11:14 AM

Looking back at your childhood now. What positive things do you remember? What had a lasting impact? My guess is it wasn't how much your allowance was.

You are right and thank you for asking this. My mom was my rock she gave me the love and emotional support I never got from my dad, but my dad gave me money. Interesting.

barcher144 posted 1/18/2021 12:04 PM

I recommend a slight variation on suggestion that you have the suicide hotline number handy. Get yourself a list of 4 people to call if you find yourself in a bad spot. These are 4 people who you can call, day or night, and they will answer and speak to you. You need to ask these people that you can call them. Put the suicide hotline as the 5th number on your list. This was something that I was taught in the mental hospital.

Your ex is an asshole, so he is trying to convey that he is now living a perfect, happy life without you. The fact that you are believing this bullshit story is precisely what he wants you to believe. The truth is he is likely as unhappy as you... he lost you. He is trying to buy his kids' love and affection. He destroyed his family. And, most importantly, he is stuck with himself, whereas you are no longer stuck with him.

I looked up some legal stuff in the last week (for giggles) and I discovered that my first ex-wife has had quite the struggle since she and I divorced more than 20 years ago. She's been sued a half-dozen times and she has always lost. She's had her house foreclosed on her... and she's had a number of legal entanglements.

Healing from this has been excruciating. I know I have a lot to offer and I love to help others. I need to start helping myself I don't know why it is so hard for me.

Because you have been kicked in the teeth so many times that it is not funny. Because you mistakenly associate abuse with love/affection.

Life has been cruel to me and I知 beginning to think there is no justice or happy ending.

Healing from this has been excruciating. I know I have a lot to offer and I love to help others. I need to start helping myself I don't know why it is so hard for me.

These two quotes are pretty important, I think. My guess is that you are like me in the sense that you have been abused so badly and for so long that you mistakenly confuse abuse for love/affection.

A really great suggestion is this one: Continue to love your children and do the best YOU can.

I also suggest that you spend some time trying to figure out what you need to be happy. About a week ago, I thought back to a couple of good years that I had and I tried to figure out what made them "good" compared to "bad."

In the meantime, go easy on yourself. As you say: I know I have a lot to offer and I love to help others.

Westway posted 1/18/2021 13:10 PM

Just know that you are the one with integrity. You are the one who can look at herself in the mirror every morning and say "I stayed true and on the path. I never strayed. I never took the cowards way out."

Your WH can never look at himself and say that to himself... ever.

I know that is cold comfort, but your integrity is worth far more than his nice house, fat paycheck and any future "pretty" wife. He has all the trappings of being successful, but that's all they are... external costume covering an empty, vacuous soul.

Be the best mom you can be and your kids will love you and honor you for it.

skeetermooch posted 1/18/2021 19:50 PM

CBS,
This shit sucks and they always look like they're doing fantastic while we're slogging through in a Xanax haze with mascara running down our chins. His life is an illusion, just like his personality and character were illusions. My dad gave me money too, but I cut his ass off when I turned 18 because he was an abusive pos. My mother I stayed close with until her death. Kids are little mercenaries - they will take a twenty from satan himself - it's just the way the little darlings are wired. It won't buy their love or respect.

The best way to not give a shit about his supposed happy life is to make your life as kick ass as possible. It's really hard to work at that while we recover from trauma, but when you can allow yourself to dream big, imagine things outside of the box - moving to a new city one day, going back to school, learning woodworking - whatever. You are modeling integrity and survival for your kids. They need your role modeling. They need you alive and in their worlds. Fuck that loser - his life is a house of cards.

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