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Struggling

skeetermooch posted 1/31/2021 08:34 AM

So, I just found out a few days ago that my D was actually finalized on January 7. It came as quite a shock as it was months earlier than the clerk of courts told me it would be. I find myself regressing in terms of grieving or maybe it's grieving on another level.

My STBX was an unrepentant cluster B, SA, not in recovery. After dday he raged, blamed and gaslit, although pre dday all he did was sing my praises and say it was the happiest he'd ever been.

When I divorced my son's father 17-years ago - it was an immediate relief - he was a full blown narc (not a cheater) and absolutely miserable to live with. My recovery process was long and painful but there were clear immediate benefits - no more eggshell walking around his moods, no more dealing with his temper and sadistic head games, etc. Me and the kids were all freer and more relaxed at home.

After that marriage I had a long term boyfriend, who cheated. He was always disappearing, unreachable, suspect stories and increasingly drinking more and more. Losing him was not terrible for me - being with him was. I was in a constant state of anxiety around his infidelities - I caught him numerous times - he was always convincingly contrite and vowed to stop and round and round we went. It as a relief to step off that ride. Sad, but a relief.

Conversely, my recent ex was pleasant before dday. He was usually in a good mood, happy, cuddly and often fun. He had a dynamic job and our union made us a hot couple to invite to things around town - we were very popular. My son enjoyed him and they did regular "guys" stuff together. He was always home by dinner time. He squeezed all of his cheating in between 9-5, when one of us was out of town or I was out with friends or something. He cheated a lot and made use of every opportunity he had alone but was careful not to cut into family time. He was reliable.

I don't want to romanticize it - I also lived with a low level dissonance that was eating at me, certain topics were impossible to bring up. He was very good at shutting me down with just a small threat of irritation (I'm super conflict avoidant). My "jealousy" became an issue - it was infrequent but he insisted it was baggage from my ex-bf and that shamed me into silence. I was growing more depressed, but I've had lifelong issues with depression so it was easy to blame myself and not look at anything he was doing. I went from extremely happy pre-relationship to increasingly unhappy - nothing dramatic but a noticiable loss of my prior joy and confidence. He would often urge me to go back to yoga or meditate more - "Where's the boss I married?" he'd ask, which made me feel worse. The boss-me was gone and I had no idea how to get her back (still don't). In hindsight, I knew on some level that all signs pointed to infidelity, but I didn't want to face it because otherwise our M had so many perks and he was constantly telling me and everyone else how madly in love he was, how amazing I was, etc. It felt good to be so adored.

Sadly, I don't see any immediate improvement in my quality of life since we split. I'm still not that "boss" nor do I see a path back to her. It's like the path washed out in a mudslide. I'm more depressed than I've ever been. Add to that, terrible anxiety and PTSD. I'm triggered watching tv shows where there's infidelity, but also even dating - it's like a horror movie to me - "Don't do it. Don't enter that relationship - you're going to get hurt!

I wish I could say - now, me and the kids can watch whatever we want on tv or eat chips for dinner or ???? But we could do all that before. He wasn't an across the board ogre. Even though I was depressed during the marriage, I was functional. It was nothing on this level. I sometimes feel like I made a mistake - like I should've stayed with my head in the sand, enjoyed the perks and ignored the infidelity. I mean if I'm not going to be happy either way...

EllieKMAS posted 1/31/2021 10:01 AM

You absolutely didn't make a mistake skeeter, even if you're not quite there yet.

I was horribly depressed for a time after we signed the D papers too. I had a lot of those same nagging what-if feelings. But it was about 6 weeks out and I was on my way home from work. I had my tunes going, was singing, cussing at other drivers... you know, a normal drive home. I was thinking about what I was gonna make for dinner. And it just hit me out of nowhere that I was actually looking forward to getting home. And that I honestly couldn't remember the last time I'd felt that way. It hit me how peaceful my life had become now that he was no longer a part of it.

In that moment, I found the path back to myself. I started to remember how amazing I am and always was. I saw clearly for the first time Just how oppressive it was living with someone so fucked up.

You'll get there skeeter. It's okay if it takes time. And you are 100% still a boss, even if you can't see it, I sure as fuck can. Just be patient with yourself!

Tallgirl posted 1/31/2021 12:45 PM

Skeeter,

You are more of a boss today than you were before your D.

Your ex is the worse kind of cheater. Cheated and lived a wonderful married life with a loving trusting wife who he knew how to keep down.

I honestly think you are better upside down and inside out without him. You will become your new boss self. He however will be the same untrustworthy undeserving man.

You are a great person. Give yourself the same kindness that I see you giving others here.

BearlyBreathing posted 1/31/2021 13:00 PM

It takes a little time to find your footing again, but when you do ó and you absolutely will - you will be wearing your bitch boots and will be a badass boss babe.

The floor got pulled out from under you. It takes time to feel that things are stable again. And the little surprise of your D (bittersweet congrats, btw) just added to that uncertainty.

It takes time. Worst four letter word. And I think you will find yourself a different personó better, stronger, less avoidant. Change and recovery donít happen overnight. It took years to lose yourself ó it will take a little while to find her again. But you are doing it. You really are.

You may not feel it today, Skeeter, but you have made so much progress. You just donít have perspective yet. You got this. #teamskeeter.

skeetermooch posted 1/31/2021 14:46 PM

In that moment, I found the path back to myself. I started to remember how amazing I am and always was. I saw clearly for the first time Just how oppressive it was living with someone so fucked up.

I love picturing you in the car - cussing and singing and joyful! I hope that's me in six weeks too.
Your ex is the worse kind of cheater. Cheated and lived a wonderful married life with a loving trusting wife who he knew how to keep down.

I honestly think you are better upside down and inside out without him. You will become your new boss self. He however will be the same untrustworthy undeserving man.


Thanks, TG. It felt so good reading your words.
It takes time. Worst four letter word. And I think you will find yourself a different personó better, stronger, less avoidant. Change and recovery donít happen overnight. It took years to lose yourself ó it will take a little while to find her again. But you are doing it. You really are.

That really is the worst four letter word. Now that I know what I was dealing with and what was taken from me - also time, in addition to confidence, happiness, truth - all I want is healing and a new start. It's unbearable thinking about how much more time I'm going to lose to getting back on my feet (and often doubting I ever will). I know, that's a shitty way to frame it, but I could've skipped this asshole and just stayed happy. I didn't need another effing growth experience.

Well, better polish up those bitch boots for my rebirth. Thank you all.

rebplay posted 1/31/2021 19:52 PM

This topic was helpful to me too. Thanks for bringing it up. Iím in the divorce process. Cheater, left me, wanted to come back and other crap. The first ten years were good overall and I actually remembering thinking weíd done pretty darn good at that anniversary. Then he changed, distant, losing weight, all the classic signs and I Figured it out. Stayed together, it wasnít great after that. Then caught emotional or some strange online affair from somebody far away. Kicked him out, took him back. Then he left. And after three months wanted to come back. Iím done. BUT sometimes I feel so lonely and miss the old guy I knew, the security of having a partner, fun times, having someone around etc. logically I know Iíd never be comfortable with him again but damn the loneliness and missing being married. Itís hard! I feel yah. But we canít go backwards. We canít.

skeetermooch posted 1/31/2021 20:41 PM

Iím done. BUT sometimes I feel so lonely and miss the old guy I knew, the security of having a partner, fun times, having someone around etc. logically I know Iíd never be comfortable with him again but damn the loneliness and missing being married. Itís hard! I feel yah. But we canít go backwards. We canít.

You're right.

Sounds like we both tried going back and it didn't work anyway. I tried R during the pandemic only to catch him running out to see hookers multiple times in one 12 hour time period - who knows what else because I only snooped that once. I spent pretty much the entire reconciliation a fucking wreck, barely got out of bed because I was crippled by anxiety with constant triggering, him blaming and raging. Even after I caught him cheating again he begged for another chance and pledged his undying love, even shaved his beard for me - everything but recovery work.

I've seen on here that these losers will do this back and forth nonsense without ever changing for decades. They love the drama and having multiple women on deck. It's hard to comprehend that someone could waste another human being's precious life like this. They are scum - whatever good qualities they might have or fun they can be - we can't forget that they'd push us down the stairs if the right side piece came along. It's like having a wild animal in your living room - they might let you pet them and purr for awhile but they might also claw your heart out.

skeetermooch posted 2/1/2021 09:47 AM

Just an update: I feel so much better, ladies, thanks to you all! Back on track.

I am so much better than my ex in every aspect of my life and person. He was never worthy of me. He used me to level up socially and career-wise, but had no interest in being a decent human with a loving partner. He was, and is, a greedy con artist, who will never get it.

I'm starting to see my worth at last. I'm not going to lend myself to anymore "project" men in the future.

crazyblindsided posted 2/1/2021 11:21 AM

I'm really struggling too right now. Feel like I'm never going to be able to feel happy with STBX contacting me all the time.

skeetermooch posted 2/1/2021 11:40 AM

Oh, CBS, I know the feeling. My ex was constantly tugging at my heartstrings, saying all the words I longed to hear - albeit with zero accompanying action. He would also interject a healthy amount of the words I didn't want to hear - blame shifting, gaslighting and false equivalencies.

When I started this post I'd found an email in my spam folder from him doing all of it at once and it was such a huge setback. It was a dark, dark night. At once telling me he'd always love me and how proud he was to have been my husband and then throwing in a bunch of blaming bs and saying we needed to "walk away from each other." Like, idiot, been trying to walk the hell away from you for over a year now. You just keep following and nipping at my heels.

NC is the only way and it's very, very hard to accomplish when we're drifting out there unmoored, lonely, disoriented, grieving, anxious, depressed and traumatized.

I felt better the next morning and even better now. Just hang on and know you will feel better too. This is a slow, uneven process.

Is there anyway to minimize contact or only read his shit once a week or do it through a lawyer or anything?

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