SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yup, shes being heartless and your lawyer can help you protect yourself. It will be in your kids best interest. Leave her to what she will do. I wouldnt believe a word after this. Shes made her decision now. The D forum will help you as you move forward.

Dear AuckyAucky,

I’m so sorry you are in this mess. We at SI are here to help because all of us are here for a reason. Please listen and digest the information you are given, and I also will give you my opinion. The holiday season for all of us here was once a wonderful period of joy, peace, and Love. For many of us, it became a hollow corridor of despair. As for a bit of my story, I confronted my wife on Christmas 2016, and she left that day because of the exposure.

You are doing very well, and you have two elements under your control that will give you the advantage. The first is the element of surprise and second is the Holiday Spirit when all people who are in love want to spend as much time as possible with themselves to demonstrate their heartfelt love for each to other.

Your wife and her affair partner will make many mistakes during this period of time because they have No Clue that you are on to them. They will meet up and communicate as much as possible during this holiday season. They will make numerous mistakes because of the apparent love they have for one another.

Your PI must be extremely active, and he will find all the necessary evidence needed for your confrontation and divorce (if you decide to go down that path). Once you receive the evidence, you MUST MOVE FORWARD with strength. You can’t show weakness. My advice and opinion are as follows….

1.) Prepare now and find the contact information of the affair partner’s wife.

2.) Organize all information received from you PI and contact the wife and setup time to give the betrayed wife all the evidence.

3.) Expose the entire affair to everyone possible.

4.) If you have kids and if they are old enough, have a set down with them.

5.) Call a therapist and make an appointment because this is taxing on the mind.

6.) Tell your wife she can find another place to live since she was planning on divorcing. Ask her “why wait.”

Best,

Bigheart

I must say, one of the more difficult things about this has been the exercise of buying my STBX Christmas gifts. We're still doing our normal family celebration for the sake of the kids, so there's a "keeping up appearances" element to this. Only one of my gifts is particularly thoughtful -- a painting of our dogs I commissioned 6 months ago. The rest are more generic, almost gag gifts (a political calendar, a sweater). But I just got back from the store because I forgot stocking stuffers. I decided to go with big shit -- razors, an orange, etc. that makes the damn thing look full without really containing anything of substance.

Mentally, I'm OK. I'm kind of impatient for the PI to catch her and then to put in motion the confrontation, etc.

I have started a separation budget. It's going to be tight.

I have to say, I don't understand the gifts for your STBXWW. If you like the painting of your dogs, give it to yourself. I understand you are keeping up appearances, but why pretend nothing is wrong?

You are biding your time, which is the right move. But you and your STBXWW have already said that the M is over. I wouldn't waste your money or time on gifts.

Good for you to take control of things and protect yourself.

Your lawyer should be able to tell you what to expect for custody arrangements. In my state (MD), custody is 50/50, unless there are good reasons otherwise. Also, at your kids' age, they probably have some say in where they want to live.

When you present the evidence, make sure you have a separate bank account and that you moved half of the money to that account. Your WW strikes me as the type that might try to take it all when you drop that bomb on her.

Finally, it is not your job to protect your WW's relationship with her children. Do not lie to them. You can tell them the truth, just don't be vindictive about it. It is absolutely reasonable to tell them that your STBXWW chose to start a relationship with another man prior to your D. It's the truth. And if you tell them to ask their mom, she's going to tell them that you two just don't love each other anymore and decided to D. She has already shown that she is a liar, so you can bet she will lie to them.

If you are divorcing, do not antagonize WW with questions like confronting her with the things you saw in her texts with the OM. Just let her know of her affair and her guilt (hopefully) may help you get the separation easily with the best outcome for you.

OP, good job on the emotionless XMAS gifts.

I think you should focus on the PI catching them and file at fault divorce with sufficient evidence. You can do that and not leave her destitute because by agreeing to some alimony you may get her her to cooperate. If she refuses to cooperate you follow the law, she gets none. The alimony is leverage. Just make sure the solicitor keeps the law on your side.

As far as her getting the kids 100% of the time because she married the affair partner that is a question for your solicitors in NZ. I can't imagine that but crazier things happen. Lawyer up asap.

Don't assume your wife is going to play nice in a amicable divorce. They usually don't, not when a lifetime of alimony is on the table. Do what you need to do. She made her bed, now she can go sleep in it.

Do not confront her with recent evidence or expose the affair until you have spoken to a solicitor and filed! If you do that it could very well be the most financially expensive mistake you will be paying for the rest of your life, or hers.

Just because she whats-apped wedding plans and her getting re-married alimony would stop do not assume she will actually get married. She has quite a financial incentive to stay single and soak you for the rest of your lives.

Just keep playing dumb and let the PI catch her. The attorney will take care of the rest.

I intend to follow my attorney's advice in terms of the confrontation. And I am not letting on knowing anything until then.

It's Christmas Eve. She's treating me rather coldly this morning. She slept until 10:45 (probably up late chatting with him) and texted the family that she was feeling "under the weather." I offered to bring her something. She declined. She came down about 11:15 and I asked if she was OK. She kind of snarled at me. Weird since I have really done nothing but be happy and cheerful -- complete 180 stuff.

She just announced she needed to go upstairs and do some things online for clients. Translation: She and he are chatting/talking. Probably chatting since she doesn't want anyone to overhear.

In my imaginary confrontation, I only tell her I know about the affair, I have known about the affair, I can prove the affair in court, and she can assume I know many intimate details about the affair. And then I say you didn't disclose this in our earlier conversation, I have no interest in cohabiting for a year of separation, and you need to move out, pronto. Ideally hand her a separation proposal my lawyer and I will draft on 3 January.

If she is conscious of the affair being getting out, you and lawyer cab negotiate no fault/ at fault status for a price. Also track her income from her real estate agent job. It can be substantial and can be hidden I guess. What is the cause or reason of her not liking you?. Hope it is not her frustration with her long running health problems projecting on you

I wish I knew why she has decided she doesn't like me anymore. Actually, I'm not even sure that's the case -- she at times does seem genuinely conflicted and she was reading some book called "too good to leave, too bad to stay."

I'm hardly perfect, but I'm not a bad guy. She'd tell you I'm controlling about money because we used to fight a lot when she was running up credit cards (i'm talking mid-five figures on three occasions in our marriage). So, yeah, I was controlling because she was out of control.

But I'm not violent/abusive. I don't smoke or do drugs, I never drank heavily and don't drink at all anymore. I'm a good provider with a good income, a great father. I'm not terrible looking. I'm actually in the best shape of my life. So, I don't know. It's sad.

[This message edited by AuckyAucky at 11:27 AM, December 24th (Monday)]

The thing about real estate income is all the transactions are listed in a central system. She won't be able to hide commissions.

I wish I knew why she has decided she doesn't like me anymore. Actually, I'm not even sure that's the case -- she at times does seem genuinely conflicted and she was reading some book called "too good to leave, too bad to stay."

I'm hardly perfect, but I'm not a bad guy. She'd tell you I'm controlling about money because we used to fight a lot when she was running up credit cards (i'm talking mid-five figures on three occasions in our marriage). So, yeah, I was controlling because she was out of control.

Because she wants to cheat. It's part of who she is. It's not about or on you man. You are the prize here not her.

But I'm not violent/abusive. I don't smoke or do drugs, I never drank heavily and don't drink at all anymore. I'm a good provider with a good income, a great father. I'm not terrible looking. I'm actually in the best shape of my life. So, I don't know. It's sad.

It doesn't matter. She will vilify you to justify her unjustifiable actions. They all do this.

You do need to understand that your wife is a very typical cheater. Nothing special at all. It's just happening to you.

Sorry you're here

[This message edited by Marz at 11:41 AM, December 24th (Monday)]

I think the big factor with cheaters is rewriting marital history. Most of us went thru this. It’s the only way they can justify shitty behavior , make the victim into the bad guy. The shit my wife said about me during the affair was either over the top exaggerated or a big fat lie. She even told me as much when we started R. Her AP told his wife all the things she told him about me and I went over every point with my wife . Typical behavior imo.

"too good to leave, too bad to stay." Sound like that book does not say much about give and take. Spending that much money I think is rather abusive for any income range.

Going back and forth is natural in an affair, when decision time come on the Dday that is why the cheater face real crisis because he or she is not expecting or prepared for it.

I'm actually in the best shape of my life

this can also be a source of irritability, especially with self centered people. there are many instances where spouses link with others whom they think they have an upper hand over

[This message edited by goalong at 12:33 PM, December 24th (Monday)]

Sounds like you have a good plan in place. Follow it.

Your wife is following the cheater's hankbook. She cannot justify her affair unless she can point to things that make you a bad husband. She cannot do that, so she is making them up.

The one most often used is that you are "abusive" - no details - just "abusive".

Be prepared to hear lies she has told others. This is done to prepare them so they will be ready to accept her new "boyfriend" quickly when she introduces him.

Don't react in anger. Just a simple "That is not the truth" will do.

It's Christmas morning. Give me strength.

She was moody and a pill yesterday, clearly pining for OM.

I played cheerful and upbeat, but I was raging inside.

Kids are oblivious that their world will be turned upside down in about a week or so.

Although I fully expect her to plea to cohabitate and stay in the same house "for the kids." She should have thought of that before she went down the road of deception and infidelity.

God grant me peace and patience today.

Sending you prayers on this Christmas morning. Focus on you, continue detaching from your WW. Focus on your kids. Being pleasant to her is going to result in her being totally surprised when you drop the bomb on her. Continue gathering your evidence. You will get to keep your dignity and self respect by behaving this way. You will be teaching your kids to always treat yourself with value and respect.

Sending prayers your way, Aucky! I admire your composure and strength!

Merry Christmas to you and your kid's!

Sending prayers, Aucky. Prayers for strength of mind and clarity of thought. I had neither early on. It appears to me that you do. Keep in mind the long game. As painful as it is, this too shall pass. Be there for your kids. Strength to you.

I'm sorry you are dealing with a remorseless cheater at Christmas time. Her horrible attitude and behavior is probably being caused by a mix of pining for the other man and guilt over what she is doing to her own family, and to herself for that matter.

Stay the course that you are on for now until you get the evidence you need, then send her cheating ass packing when you can legally do so.

Please remember to come back in a year and post an update next Christmas. I can almost guarantee you that you will be in a much better place.

Christmas blessings to you and your children. Oh, and don't forget to clear your Internet cache each time you log out of here! You need to stay stealthy for the time being.