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she admitted that she does not love me, that there is nothing to build on unless I can just pretend like it never happened and we move forward only.

Build on what? Ignorance?

I feel like it's awfully late in the game to consider the 180 as a viable strategy anymore.

No, it's the perfect strategy.....to help get you out of this drama. Only if you were thinking to use it as a strategy to manipulate some sort of result out of your wife, would it be useless.

Gminor, as others have pointed out ,R is extremely hard when the spouse is instantly remorseful and does everything right .With your wife just the opposite ,there is no chance of R the way things are presently.

At this point you can only do the things that are best for you and your kids. Filing will protect you from such a self endulged remorseless cheater. You deserve better than what your wife has to offer and what your fake friends have given you .

At this point the 180 IS the best thing you can do. It will allow you to detach from such a toxic woman . It will help uncloud your thinking too.

None of the things that you do should be done to swing your wife into R. Theys should be done to give you control over your life and to get out of infidelity. That is the goal. If she snaps out of it and becomes a candidate for R great , but that shouldnt be your motivation.

You have been traumatized by your wife and even those you considered your friends . The 180 will allow you to start healing from that.

Filing is protecting yourself and your kids . It will be a dose of reality for your wifes fantasy as well.

Good luck.

.she admitted that she does not love me, that there is nothing to build on unless I can just pretend like it never happened and we move forward only.

I think she is willing to lose everything at this point because she feels like she deserves it

These statements seem contradictory to me. She doesn't love you enough to put any work into repairing what she did to the marriage. She is so remorseful she wants to jump ship.

I'm sorry but you can't repair the marriage by yourself. She can't earn back your trust by saying ... I might as well leave if you don't trust me.

There is a little saying here. Sometimes you have to end the marriage to save it. I don't think she believes you would ever end it. One week you were willing to rugsweep the affair, ignore that fact that she kept contacting OM, continue your friendship with OM...basically you were willing to do anything you could to make ending the affair easy on her and keep the marriage in tact. She is still in this mode of thinking. He will do anything/overlook anything if I give him hope that the marriage will survive. This is why the 180 is so important right now. You need to detach. You need to see what your WW willingly did to your family. She still doesn't get it. Having an Affair with your best friend...that's HUGE. While the 180 is for you it might also give your WW pause. She might begin to see you detach, begin to realize that you Can survive without her. She might wonder if her statement about not loving you and wanting to rugsweep the affair was a good idea.

Also, you need to expose. Have you told her family? Hearing disapproving voices from others might also be what she needs to see the magnitude of what she has done and how serious you are.

Filed. Total disaster.

At least she gets what she wants - out. I get what I need, I think, I no longer have to worry about it anymore.

Why do I feel so fucking devastated?

Because you are mourning the death of your marriage and what you thought was your best friend (who turned out to be a backstabbing snake).

Tell your kids the truth in a sanitized way. Do not lie or keep them in the dark. That's the worst thing you can do.

They need one strong parent they can count on at this time.

As for the wife. Hard 180 or you will prolong your stay in the pain of limbo. I suspect like most she'll be pulling the "friends" game. This is all for her not you. It relives guilt "he's ok with what I've done cause we're friends".!!!!

Definition of friend = loyal, honest and trustworthy.

Or guilt tripping "do it for the kids" she didn't think about you or the kids when she destroyed your marriage and family.

At this time you must protect and save yourself. You must do that first and foremost. In order to be the best father you can. Staying in this mess will prohibit that.

You'll be fine it just doesn't seem like it right now.

I have 3 friends who have and are going through this.

They never talk directly. Any phone calls from her go to VM. They respond by text or email, kids or business only. Very brief but civil. Pickups/drop offs are limited to 3-5 minutes with no engagement.

It may seem awkward upfront but his awkward was her affair?

All holidays/birthdays are separate. It will normalize over time.

They all say it was the best way to get through it.

Sorry it didn't work out for you. Right now you look after yourself and the kids. She is no longer your concern.

[This message edited by Marz at 1:10 AM, November 10th (Saturday)]

My friend group, adopted through my BF, all knew about the A. Said nothing to me. They prioritized this fucker getting his dick wet than preventing, or at least disrupting, a life ruination event for all involved. They are all dead to me now.

Make the cut off permanent and let them know why. With these kinds of friends you don't need enemies.

You'll be much better off.

Yeah, at this point, all friends are cut off/blocked. I consider all extremely unforgivable offenses.

I am trying to establish reconnection with old friends, unfortunately all are about a decade or more estranged, so I really feel like my truth is here and here only. My IC is great, that definitely helps.

I am going to stay with my family the next week, threats of abandonment be damned. She has overwhelming indicated that this will be a contestuous D. At this point, that's just going to be my reality.

I even offered MC this morning, this rollercoaster crap makes me crazy. And now my kids are going to suffer. Should I move this thread to D/S?

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[This message edited by GMinor23 at 1:36 AM, November 10th (Saturday)]

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[This message edited by GMinor23 at 1:37 AM, November 10th (Saturday)]

You'll get good D advice there.

Don't fall into the trap of trying to save this all by yourself.

It takes two or you'll just end up going in circles with no resolution and keep yourself in pain and limbo longer than necessary.

Cut her off !!!

I am going to stay with my family the next week, threats of abandonment be damned. She has overwhelming indicated that this will be a contestuous D. At this point, that's just going to be my reality.

Make sure you get the paperwork filed first !!!!

Speak to your attorney. You don't want to make this harder on yourself than it already is.

Be ready for anything. Your X friend will be back in play and they may use anything they can against you.

Do not tell her anything. She and him are your enemies now so keep everything close to your vest.

Lean on your family for support. You're going to need everything you can get.

Talking to her will get you nothing. Wake up to this fact.

Filed. Total disaster.

I'm sorry. Why was it a disaster?

If you do not have a VAR, get one and keep it yourself at all times when around her. You do not need her to file any false DV charges against you.

Gminor23, This darkness you fell in , it will twist and torment you unbearably for a long,long time .

It will ebb and flow , you will feel as though it wont stop. It will mutate ,the insanity it drowns you. the pain is relentless. It is a trauma like no other.

Believe when it is said it takes 2-5 years for recovery.

I never would have believed it could affect me for so long, but it did. The specifics don't matter.

Always remember it will fade! no matter how hellish it feels at times. You will find you again!

You will find a new life again.

I am sorry you have such young children that are affected , I lost out on two years of my sons growing up, being lost in the PTSD lunacy. In the end the destruction of my family is the bitter new reality.

The sooner you go mostly no contact , the sooner you will start to heal.

FUCK HER FUCK HIM , They are DEAD.

YOU and YOUR CHILDREN ARE ALL THAT MATTER.

I wish you strength , peace and luck as you climb back out of this pit.

My best advice to you is to be ultra-realistic.

If you two have decided to divorce, then dive into it.

Dive into DIVORCE – not DRAMA. You guys have already decided to terminate the marriage and you can spend ages in the emotional aspect of that decision. But it really makes little difference. She can tell you that she needs to divorce you because you can’t forgive. You can tell her that you can. But if you two divorces then it won’t make the slightest difference.

Divorce is basically a business transaction. It’s the formal aspect of the decision to end a marriage. Look at it that way.

Google divorce in your state. Prepare for what to expect. YOU initiate getting an attorney. Maybe you two decide on mediation, but make sure you have YOUR attorney. Be realistic. You won’t get 100% custody, you won’t lose all your pension, you won’t keep the house and all the money. Divorce tends to be FAIR although it never feels that way.

If you two are decided to divorce, then your first task is to tell the kids.

Refuse to lie. Refuse to bear the responsibility for this decision. In some age-appropriate way they are told that the reason for the divorce is that their mom had an affair. She can then explain how the marriage was dead or whatever. She can bring her excuses, but YOU be clear on your statement. This has nothing to do with revenge, but all about accountability. You do not want your kids to resent you because you broke up the family.

Don’t make them or expect them to take sides and you must be there to explain how her betrayal of you does not (necessarily) mean she betrayed them. But it will alter the family.

Then be frank to others. There will be stories and rumors. Beat them:

“Yes. WW and I are divorcing. She has chosen her affair with OM over our marriage. I refuse to share a wife. Hey! Did you see the game last night?”

No expectation of sides or a shoulder to cry on. It’s just factual.

Your wife wants to talk about the divorce?

“Wife. I am too emotionally attached to this marriage to discuss sensibly about the divorce. I have instructed my attorney to see to this matter and asked him to arrange a fair settlement offer. Please address that issue to him”.

She wants to talk about relationship issues:

“I’m sorry you feel that way. I don’t necessarily agree with you and If we were working on our marriage then we could address that in MC. Since however you are committed to the affair there really isn’t any need to resolve that is there?”

Take care of yourself. Don’t spend evenings giving each other the silent treatment. If she’s home, then you go do something in the garage or fix that drain in preparation for the house valuation. Be as cheerful as you can be considering the situation. Don’t enter childish pouting matches. If she wants to go out don’t ask. She is no longer your concern.

I wanted to update, it has been a bit.

WS has found a new place to live, and we have been fairly equitable through the legal separation process, thankfully. So far my kids are taking it exceptionally well, I am both proud of them and truly heartbroken over it.

My 14 year old told me that at first she was angry and very sad over the separation, but she knew she had to let that go. That those feelings were selfish and would not help herself, or the family. That she knew we would do what we needed to do for each other, and regardless of what she wanted to happen, all that mattered is that she knows we all love each other and we are going to make it through this, together or not.

Just dumbfounded, struck and humbled by her grace and wisdom. My greatest fear in all of this, emotionally scarring my children, wholly realized and yet, she is the one who has the true compassion and healing soul.

This undeserved insight really helped to put me in full 180, and I know it now as the agency it is - to preserve what I have left of myself, to build to be the best person I can be. For my children. For my future. I have let go of hopes of R unless WS has some massive epiphany. Not holding my breath anymore, but I will not condemn or resort to pettiness about it, either.

But an important question here - I have felt like WS has flirted with true remorse at times, she has often pledged to be willing to do anything (except for three glaring things - access to devices, promising me she will never cheat again, and honoring NC with POSOMXBF), and often has made very welcome and endearing guestures. What do I need to be wary to overlook, in my 180 fixation, as signs that there is legitimate long term possibility for R?

I worry that I might miss it. But I guess, if I am honest, maybe not that worried, anymore.

she has often pledged to be willing to do anything (except for three glaring things - access to devices, promising me she will never cheat again, and honoring NC with POSOMXBF)

Sounds like the only thing she's pledged to do is use you as the stable, steady husband and to continue cheating.

Sounds like a great deal to me!

she has often pledged to be willing to do anything (except for three glaring things - access to devices, promising me she will never cheat again, and honoring NC with POSOMXBF)

Well that's a worthless pledge if ever I've seen one.