SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I had a conversation last night with a male friend of mine. I asked him to be honest and answer whether or not a guy would want to date a girl with 3 kids. He stated that typically guys won't date a girl with children because more difficult esp when the dad isn't in the picture.

That really makes me feel undatable... or like I would have to settle if I ever decided to date.

Do any of you feel that way at times for any reason?

People are all different and whether or not having kids make you datable or undatable just depends on what the other wants out of life.

Why while when having the time of my life as a once-divorced bachelor would I choose to date a woman with 2 young kids. Even choosing to give up the life of fast cars, all night parties, on the go, friends all the time to be a part of a family? Because there's more to life than fun on the run and I was missing out on it.

Others want life to be one big irresponsible party all the time until the day they die. In the end, what have you got? A bunch of quarters in change from paying $2.75 a drink isn't going to give you the love of people that are important to you later.

So those that expect to not have to pass on a night on the town because you have your kids, won't want to date someone with young kids. Or those who have raised their kids already and feel it's 'their time' probably won't want to date you. But there is a proportionate number out there that believe it's the connections to a family that is important.

For me having my pre-teen daughters more than half the time does cut down on my time available to build a relationship and I have had to let go of dating those who prefer the life of little responsibility because of my choice. But for me... better to be single forever than to miss a single meaningful moment with my daughters and stepsons when I can get those. When my final days come, I will not regret that I made that choice.

I'll give you the other side. I have dated a lady a few times, lunch, dinner, picnic...We went out about five times, really hit it off too and SHE broke it off because she is raising her sister's seven year old and doesn't feel she has the time to date. I had no problem with her having her niece and knew going in. That didn't change the fact I enjoyed her company, even fleeting as it was.

Her other kids are grown so that wasn't an issue but I personally think that having the responsibility of kids makes a woman MORE attractive. Tells me she has her priorities straight. If they had kids and were out partying till the wee hours of the morning, that tells a whole different story.

I feel the same way Moe does. I want to spend as much time with my daughter as I can and that doesn't leave too much room for a relationship right now. She's only 2 so these are really precious years for me. When I'm ready to date I will feel date-able. I am not really ready. If someone doesn't want to date a woman with 3 kids then that is not the man you should be with. You are a package deal now. Your standards should be somewhat high.

I heard a few times that it was hard to date if you had kids.

I have to say, I have not had a problem at all.

I know I am not undateable because of my boys. But, often I chose not to date because of them.

I think it does cut down on your options, but this is not such a bad thing.

A lot of guys will self select themselves out of your dating pool, but those are the ones that make you wish the pool had a filter anyway.

Interesting question.

I don't know.

I do know that I am very much set on what I want to do with my free time. I'm probably pretty set in my ways, too. I also know that I'm not young anymore, and I could stand to lose 25lbs (I'm a big guy, so 250 instead of 275 will have me looking very fit).

At this point, I certainly have no real compelling desire to throw my hat back into the ring.

I don't see myself as all that desirable (My finances are destroyed, I'm 51 years old, I'll be paying alimony for life). I don't have my own home, and probably won't. My plans are to do as much photography as possible in my spare time, spend time at my cabin when I can, and then retire (semi) in a couple years and move up here.

I'm just not seeing how anyone is going to want to tag along, and frankly, I'm not compromising those goals, for anyone on this planet.

I know that I am completely intolerant of bullshit. I can't stand "needy" in the least, so that would be a huge turnoff for anyone who is in the least. I'm intolerant of anyone who wants to change a damned thing about me, and that includes my smoking. So, fuck it.

I guess this rambling reply just goes to say that I don't know if I'm undatable. Maybe so. It'd take one hell of a woman to want to be with me.

However, if your idea of fun is shooting guns, going on photography excursions (sometimes to places with water, bugs and critters), having a smoke and a glass of wine, and possibly living with some guy in the mountains on a lake someday, then by all means.

-D

[This message edited by Defiance at 12:41 PM, July 3rd (Friday)]

Defiance... that seems pretty datable. However, you do still sound angry over your M. Which is understandable considering...

I'm just not seeing how anyone is going to want to tag along, and frankly, I'm not compromising those goals, for anyone on this planet.

That's not fair. If you find a great woman you're going to have to do a little compromising. That's just the way it works.

I have 3 children, 6, 5 and 4. I have dated albeit briefly (6 weeks in duration- Mr Wonderful turned into Mr Idiot rapidly, mainly because i refused to ignore the red flags he was waving around - i think he thought i'd settle because i was single with 3 kids)

My friends think i'm dateable, i got told by a 21 year old guy today that i don't look 33 and he thought i was about 26 and hot for a mum of three. I walked away swaggering thinking, "girl you still got game"

I think the only difference about being dateable, is that we have restrictions or shall i say other priorities. As the only parent they have(dad is awol) I have to do all the parenting, taking them to activities, school work, shopping, housework having a job etc that it makes dating hard. Where is the time to date? I'm normally exhausted at the end of the day. Plus i wonder if a man will be willing to wait around for me and my schedule to fit him in.

But I learned they will do if they are worthy enough.

Plus all of the above for me and that ex cheated mean my standards for any man i date will be set high. I'm not settling. I made my list of needs and wants over a year ago now, and they havent changed nor will they. My short experience of dating makes me more resolute than ever that i deserve better.

GMA56 has a wonderful line at the bottom of her profile about letting people leave our lives so someone good can come along. I strongly believe that and i'm letting some people walk on by to make room for that good one.

LOL@ MY4LOVES swagger!! Get it girl! Hahaha....

And you're right. I hardly have time for anything. After working all day, coming home and cleaning and feeding the kids then bathing them and setting clothes out for school, then putting them to bed... I'm already tired just thinking of it. Unless he wants to sit and watch me work. I don't see how I could ever date again! LOL!

However, you do still sound angry over your M

Nope. Not angry over the marriage. Frustrated with being obliterated in the divorce. The fallout of the marriage was that I have been wiped out financially, and with enormous consequences.

I don't hold animosity for my ex on a personal level at all. It is just the situation that I am in that causes me to have to battle, every day. I have been out of the marriage for 3 years now. That train left the station a long time ago.

-D

[This message edited by Defiance at 1:25 PM, July 3rd (Friday)]

I (not often) joke about how I'm undatable, that the fact my calendar is so fucking open every weekday & weekend it makes me want to cry.

Whew.

Now that I have that off my chest, I have little to no baggage, no kids, I have my head screwed on somewhat straight... it begs the question inside me... WTF is wrong with me? I wonder if I'm missing the picture, and I'm not seeing the truth that I really am undatable. All the encouragement I get from friends is nice, but it doesn't fill up the empty nights with dates... know what I mean? Maybe I just shouldn't give a flying fuck about whether I have someone in my life or not.

I made the choice over three years ago to be alone for the right reasons, than be with someone for the wrong ones. Maybe I needed to write that out, see it again in front of me. I know I'm not from the island of misfit toys, but some days it sure the fuck feels like it.

HH

sorry about the f-bombs, unfortunately this was tough for me to type out.

WTF is wrong with me? I know I'm not from the island of misfit toys, but some days it sure the fuck feels like it.

Honestly, don't put these thoughts in your head. All they will do is bring you down. Negative thoughts like these will erode us into nothing. Find your happiness and don't worry about anything else.

I recognize the statements you've quoted are automatic negative thoughts. Please know they are temporary and not long lasting, but they are there none the less. For any of us here that say they don't think that way at some point is lying to themselves.

The question was, "Do I feel undatable?" Yes. I answered the question to the best of my ability in a manor that was being honest with myself and therefore honest for those here who choose to read this post.

D7, in general I AM a very happy person, some days have clouds... even when it's going to 93 out today. Winds change, clouds blow away... sooner than you think.

HH

Myalabasterbox - i'm glad it made you laugh. i've spent the day enjoying knowing i still have it!

Even though ive put in extra hours at work, done the school run, done dinner, loaded the dishes, done the baths etc.. there is time for dating,you just have to have the energy left to do it!

I was suprised i managed to date someone. It only lasted a short time but it proved it could be done with a bit of compromise. I'm just going to wait for the right one to come along. In the meantime, i'll just be reading and looking at the menu.

I totally feel this way. Of course I ADORE and LOVE my children with all my heart, but I was just telling my sister how I feel like 'damaged goods' almost. I can't imagine too many guys wanting to date someone with kids, mine are both under 10 too.

I think too, I only have night a week without the children and every other weekend to date...so if I did meet someone and start dating them, there's not a lot of room for spontaneous dates, you know? I also wouldn't feel comfortable having dates come to the house on nights (say to have dinner or watch a movie) when my kids are here...like after they're in bed, you know? I will wait a while before even telling kids I was dating someone, let alone bringing him around.

I feel like I sound terrible but I totally get what you're saying about feeling 'undatable'.

I would date a woman with children in a heart beat. I'll tell you why.

First, if she has kids and her kids are her top priority, she is going to be understanding of the fact that my kids are my top priority. There will be no hard feelings (or at least the chance of that is minimalized).

Second, it would seem to me there'd be a better chance that she will not want to have additional (biological) kids. I personally have no problem considering blending two families, but I am not a "yours, mine, and ours" kind of guy. My loins are done producing fruit.

Finally, I would have a chance to observe how she is as a parent before making the decision whether I would want her to be a step-parent. And vice-versa, I suppose.

Myalabasterbox,

My first husband had a huge thing for single moms. Some guys like blondes, some like green eyes, he went gagga over momma's. (his older sisters were all single moms and his mom raised him on her own too) I was always amazed that he went for me since I was kidless.

My brother is currently head over heals for a woman with 3 kids. He divorced a couple years ago due to infidelity. He has full custody of his son and from the time the boy was born he swore he never wanted any other kids. He even got fixed to make sure it never happened.

Then he met his SO, she was upfront about having kids and he fell for her anyways. Now they are talking of moving in together and those kids have him wrapped around their fingers.

I haven't seemed to have a problem finding a guy to date me with 4 kids, but finding a really good guy that wants to date me with 4 kids....well, that is another story.

I'm not undatable, but I am still trying to figure out exactly what I want, and I think I have been heading up the wrong path again lately, so I probably have some more insight to do before I start dating anyone.

But as far as the kids go, we are a package deal. Period. I had one husband who kept telling me if I sent one of my girls back to her dad, we wouldn't have any problems in our home anymore. He was the one I sent packing.

Honestly, if you have kids, then I would probably be looking for a guy with kids also, because for the same reason the guys quoted here, he will understand that the kids have to be a priority while they are still growing up, and won't get his feelings hurt when that happens.

You just need to be looking for a family-oriented guy right now, as opposed to a party boy.