SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The is a T/J on the thread about strip clubs being safe. I understand the mechanics of a lap dance, but I've never had one, or even seen one.

Isn't the goal of a lap dance an orgasm for the customer? Isn't that pretty much the same a going to a prostitute or having an ONS?

I'm OK with porn, but being touched by live people - even clothed live people - seems like cheating to me. (Well, OK, ballroom dancing could be OK....) Or am I just extremely naive?

I see it as prostitution-lite. There aren't any bodily fluids exchanged, but that's a technicality.

One of the things that came out in the aftermath of D-day was that FWH had visited strip clubs when we lived in Houston. And he was getting lap dances.

He didn't see it as cheating. I did. When it was going on, I had confided in a close friend that I thought he could be cheating. I was going through his wallet, going through his vehicle, checking mileage... but I couldn't find anything. His behavior was just off, but it stopped as suddenly as it started. When I brought that time period up after D-day, he confessed going to clubs with co-workers after hours.

So... it's sexually focused, draws resources away from the marriage, is mostly done in secret, and creates distance from your spouse. Sounds like cheating to me.

It is prostitution lite, and in many clubs ---even ones that seem upscale--- they are a prelude to hardcore prostitution. My husband spent lots of time "working late" in strip clubs---and tens of thousands of dollars we did not have. Because pretty much anything was available for the right price.

For me... touching in any erotic/sexual way is cheating.

being touched by live people - even clothed live people - seems like cheating to me.

I agree with you here. And as it is, lap dances can involve the girl naked. Waving her bits in the customer's face. Nothing "innocent" about that.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 8:36 PM, July 22nd (Sunday)]

I feel like if he wouldn't want me dancing on some man's lap like that then he shouldn't have a woman dance on his like that.

Some woman grinding her crotch on a man's crotch... with intent to arouse him is cheating to me.

I suspect my H, when he was in the A, had a lap dance as I got a call from a coworker's wife who told me they had gone to a strip club that afternoon and they didn't work because they were waiting for some supplies to come in.

He denied, of course, he's very good at that and lying! Judging from his face when questioned, he turned beet red, I believe he did receive a lap dance.

eta for spelling error.

[This message edited by Crushed1 at 10:06 PM, July 22nd (Sunday)]

If they wouldn't do it in front of you, it's cheating.

What EasyDoesIt says... If it's acceptable between the two of you, then there is no question on whether it's safe in your marriage. But if it's secretive, and hidden from your spouse, I do not agree it could be safe in your marriage.

The point of the lap dance is to make money by providing whatever degree of sex the customer is looking for, and is within the strippers personal limits. The rent cannot be paid by the singles and fives that are put in their g-strings during their stage show- that is just their advertisement for their real job, in the back room. Most clubs require that the strippers pay THEM for their shift, not the other way around. So what they do in a lap dance is what earns them their pay (after paying the club, tipping out the bouncers and bar staff, etc.) A tame, no touch lap dance is a rarity, from what I have been told, even by my H, whose infidelities all stemmed from contact with strippers. Why take a guy back for a single "lap dance" when there are plenty who are there for the extras, which cost...?

Needless to say, I don't see any difference between paying for any sexual attention from a stripper, or paying a prostitute for any sexual attention. It's all varying degrees of

prostitution, as I see it.

[This message edited by triskele at 7:30 AM, July 23rd (Monday)]

Having been the "safe guy" to talk to when avoiding certain customers, I have heard a lot of stories. It ranges from interactive live porn to full prostitution. It really depends on the club and dancer.

Isn't the goal of a lap dance an orgasm for the customer?

For some. Many "dancers" would consider that a disaster, because the money stops. They would rather keep him dumb and horny and the meter running.

I agree with Holly...if my man can go and get lap dances at a strip club then I should be allowed to do it too.

This theory that it is "OK" for guys is crap. Let your husband find out that you go to male reviews and go in back rooms to be "rubbed on" and if he is all OK with it then no problem. But I have a funny feeling that it would not be OK.

Sisoon, many different levels find into that one. What is allowed varies by state

When I was in college I worked at one of the more 'corporate' establishments. It was most definitely a touching place. Patrons breaking the rule were "removed." Forcibly sometimes.Likewise the dancers seemed to be more vigilant about this that the managers were. IF you think about would you want some creepy dude touching you ?

I think it is up to each couple to decide what the boundaries are. If it bothers your spouse you probably shouldn't go there and try to explain it away later.

My W and I have an understanding. I don't go to those places. If I attend a bachelor party, I stay for dinner, golf, paintball, and come home before the "party" starts.

Likewise it bothers me when my wife reads trashy novels. So she doesn't. While many people don't understand this, the novels are akin to porn. Anything that sets unrealistic expectations of love, sex or romance is probably off limits for each of us. More so now.

I will point out that reading novels seems to romanticize affairs for my W. So if they are in our house, I am not.

Depends on the marriage I guess. I don't have much personal experience with these places but:

Isn't the goal of a lap dance an orgasm for the customer?

Never actually thought so. The guys I knew that went to these places would probably die of shame if that happened unless they went off somewhere to specifically Get Things Done. As one guy I knew put it when we were 19 or so and he was single, "Good stroke material man."

I guess if a guy specifically shells out cash to have someone bring them to orgasm though, I don't see the difference between that and prostitution.

If the purpose behind a lap dance was for the man to orgasm, then you'd be seeing all the men leaving strip clubs with a wet spot on the front of their pants.

Honestly though, this is NOT the purpose of a lap dance and strippers get grossed out/go ballistic when/if this happens.

I can totally understand if some couples consider a lap dance "cheating" since it is a nude or scantily clad woman grinding her groin on a man for the purpose of arousing him/teasing him sexually and the amount of hand contact that goes with it also varies from club to club, or stripper to stripper.

Obviously many clubs have private rooms where the sky is the limit and real prostitution can occur. This is unfortunately fairly common.

This is what I don't get...and I've mentioned it on several stripper threads...

Why is it considered cheating if a woman (known or unknown) who is not your wife rubs all up against you, grinds on you, shimmers and possibly rubs her breasts all up in your face, and gets you turned on...but slide some money in her g-string and it isn't considered cheating anymore. Like the exchange of money makes it okay.

How bout I go to a bar and get some guy to rub all up on me, turn me on...but I'll make sure to give him a few bills beforehand...just to make sure it's okay.

My H didn't think what I suggested was okay, but the stripper...well she's just doing her job.

[This message edited by coastofsomewhere at 11:25 AM, July 23rd (Monday)]

Thanks for the education, folks. I'm almost speechless.

I liked burlesque. I mean, who can forget "White Fury with the twin 44s, and them ain't guns" (the Troc in Philly, ca. 1965)? The strip club experience sounds like everybody exploits everybody, not my cup of tea. YMMV.

Why is it considered cheating if a woman (known or unknown) who is not your wife rubs all up against you, grinds on you, shimmers and possibly rubs her breasts all up in your face, and gets you turned on...but slide some money in her g-string and it isn't considered cheating anymore. Like the exchange of money makes it okay.

Just to nerd out for a second, when Caesar pushed morality law reform including anti-infidelity codes, sex with slaves, prostitutes and barbarians weren't considered adultery because they weren't roman citizens. So the act of giving a woman money for sex was ritualistic objectification, I guess.

Geekery aside, to me it's a boundary thing. If my wife isn't comfortable with that, then it's not acceptable behavior. If she wants to go with then I'd find the resolve somehow to go be embarrassed until I got around enough beer to be embarrassing.

At the end of the day it's not okay to do something related to sex that your partner finds objectionable, just by hiding it and doing it anyway. That goes into the realm of cheating.

I applaud geekery of all kinds, especially WRT history, and within 'History', especially WRT the Roman empire.

At the end of the day it's not okay to do something related to sex that your partner finds objectionable, just by hiding it and doing it anyway. That goes into the realm of cheating.

I would take this a step further by removing the 'related to sex' and say that, "At the end of the day it's not okay to do something that your partner finds objectionable, just by hiding it and doing it anyway. That goes into the realm of cheating."

Hm. I'll need to talk to my wife about this whole world conquest thing, then.

You're right that it's not okay to hide things from your partner but I'm not sure every secret kept is infidelity magnitude. Dunno. Interesting to think about.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 9:18 AM, July 24th (Tuesday)]