SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You're right that it's not okay to hide things from your partner but I'm not sure every secret kept is infidelity magnitude.

Well, I'm not sure I would say that in the 'realm of cheating' is quite the same as 'infidelity magnitude' so I will stick with the original quote. I'd be curious to know if you can come up with something that you would do but delibrately hide from your spouse because they would find it objectionable that would not at least be considered in the 'realm of cheating' (there may be something, but I can't think of it).

Depends on the spouse.

I wouldn't want to be married to someone where I had to hide any normal behaviour, but some people would object to a harmless beer after mowing the lawn on a hot day.

My grandfather actually had a prescription for a beer (stout) a day once upon a time, and my mother tells me that my grandmother made him go down to the bottom of the stairs to drink it where it would not be seen.

I wouldn't want to be married to someone where I had to hide any normal behaviour,

Personally, I don’t want to have to hide any of my behavior (normal or not).

but some people would object to a harmless beer after mowing the lawn on a hot day.

Agreed, and telling them you’re going to do it anyway is your choice. Then they must grow up and deal with it or leave, but deceptively doing it, IMO is a form of betrayal (AKA ‘realm of cheating’). It comes down to the same reason WSs are always told to come clean, the BS has the right to make informed decisions about their life and by hiding it your stealing this.

My grandfather actually had a prescription for a beer (stout) a day once upon a time, and my mother tells me that my grandmother made him go down to the bottom of the stairs to drink it where it would not be seen.

While this is pretty funny, it was not behind her back and actually was per her wishes and therefore not betrayal, at least IMO.

[This message edited by nomoreplease at 1:46 PM, July 24th (Tuesday)]

To me it is 100% cheating or would they like their daughter to take up that profession?

To my mind a lap dance is even worse because of the whole aspect of objectifying the other party. At least the OW in an affair is a willing participant. Lap dancers and prostitutes are not generally in those jobs because they are whole healthy people with plenty of options. They have often had sh** life circumstances that have brought them to that point. I know this is a generalisation and not 100% the case but the point is that guys who participate in this kind of thing don't care, the woman in front of them doing the sex act is just an object to them.

Would I pay some guy to rub against me - no way!

[This message edited by Kiwigirl at 5:41 PM, July 29th (Sunday)]

..ah..if memory serves me, does the name 'Chippendale' dancers ring a bell???

..let's hear from some of the womenz who ever went to see them and put a few dollars in thier codpiece and screamed to have them jiggle their junk inches from their face..

..or the bachelorette parties where a male stripper was hired to provide some 'entertainment..

..my point is that it goes both ways..it's not exclusive to guys.

..haven't been to a strip club in probably 30 years but at the time, it was a local watering hole, and it was seen as a novelty to have beautiful girls dancing 'naked' on a stage/pole while friends shot the breeze about cars and sports.

..my wife knew where i was and who i was with (BIL) and never once objected or was even worried that i would cross some line with one of the dancers, nor did any dancer ever suggest that i could get 'something extra' for a price.

..maybe, however, she never objected.. because she was secretly meeting my other bf to give him bj's..

.. there's always going to be a huge spectrum of opinions where this stuff is concerned..

..good, bad or indifferent..

..one size doesn't fit all!!

smy

.let's hear from some of the womenz who ever went to see them and put a few dollars in thier codpiece and screamed to have them jiggle their junk inches from their face..

They came to a club where we lived once in the 80's. My girlfriends all wanted to go and some of the husbands went. They couldn't go in and had to wait at the outside bar. I lasted all of five minutes inside and then spent the rest of the evening hanging at the outside bar with my husband.

I don't understand the fascination and I certainly didn't see anything worth screaming about.

smy, you are right- there are a lot of opinions where this is concerned.

But- first, let me say that Chippendales and Thunder, etc. are choreographed stage shows where the performers are PAID for the show. While there is a sexual similarity, the difference between attending the show and getting a lap dance are seriously two different things.

Now, if you really believe strip clubs are anything like they were THIRTY years ago, you are mistaken. Perhaps if you find a burley, or a featured "show" you will have a blast from the past. There are few "featured" dancers (generally porn stars), and some singing/dancing/stripping groups, but again, NOT your general strippers.

Strip clubs these days charge the stripper to work there. Thirty years ago, the stripper was paid by the club. So, logically, they need to make a little more money than what is "innocently" slipped into their g-string. They pay the club a percentage of each lap dance, plus tip out the bouncers and bar. They make their money by what they do in the back, and by reeling in regulars.

My H's experience was that, by becoming a regular (which started innocently enough with business clients/coworkers), he was 'befriended" by a few girls. They knew that if a guy was in there regularly in the first place, he was a target. Married- even better, because he wasn't going to want to be her serious boyfriend and take her away from her moneymaking job.

BUT- many of them ( a couple that my H got involved with) DID want a sugar daddy to get them out of the business, and pushed. A lot of guys fall for the sob stories of not enough to pay the rent, or need groceries for their kids... and tip generously. Leave the rest to your imagination.

SO, PLEASE, look at this from a current perspective and not a generality of how clubs were run 30 years ago. The business model has flipped and the money made is not paid to the girls by the club, but rather what they can get from the guys they take to the couch or the VIP. And if, from what I have been told by H, and people who have worked IN the business since this has been the business model, it is very unlikely to not have the "menu" offered to you.

Please be careful to realize that there is no comparison to Chippendales or a stage show. A lap dance is a dry hump , almost always with touching, by a girl clad in a g-string or nude, for a given amount of money for generally a three minute dance. If that's ok between both husband and wife, and falls within your marital boundaries, that is your choice. But if you don't want some girl half your H's age rubbing her crotch on your H's, and her putting his hands where she wants them, please rethink this.

OK, enough from me. I think I have made it abundantly clear that I do not approve of the cavalier attitude many people have of the goings on in a club. I sincerely hope that none of these people have a stripper "friend" who has figured out a way to befriend them and encourage them to form a "friendship" and breakdown their sexual and financial, and especially the emotional aspect of your marriage.

@ triskele..

..thanks so much for the info on 'clubs' and their present status.. and yes, 30 years ago, the rules were a lot different..

..and i was evidently still so very naive about life in general..

..the'stuff' that was really going on..

..thanks for bringing me into the present!!!

smy

thanks for understanding, SMY.

If it isn't obvious (HAHA!), I have strong

feelings on the subject, and wish someone had filled me in. While I didn't like it, I tried to be the understanding wife who accepted guys went to strip clubs. It touches a nerve when people talk about the clubs as though it's an innocent stage show, and when triggered, I sometimes hop on my soapbox before taking a deep breath... Thanks for understanding!

[This message edited by triskele at 9:43 AM, July 30th (Monday)]

No. Why is it ok for your spouse/boyfriend/significant other to go get turned on by another woman? Paying for it doesn't make it okay either. It isn't just boys will be boys either.

I tried so hard when I was younger to be the understanding wife about men and strip clubs...then many years later after DH admitted to an affair...turns out she was a stripper in a stip club. Yep, that's where he met her.

Do not be reasonable about this. It isn't an "innocent" pastime for either party.