SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know many of you have followed my story over the last year and I appreciate all of your help. I've had such an interesting turn of events over the last week that my head is spinning.

My stbxw and I completed our divorce paperwork about three weeks ago. I signed mine shaking and took the next day off not wanting to get out of bed; but knowledgeable that my marriage was over. My wife walked right in, signed the papers and walked out without a visible care in the world. Fast Forward to last weekend, my wife asked to speak to me...inquiring if I would consider taking her back. She has proclaimed her "affair" ended some four weeks ago and she realizes she made a huge mistake. She sent her former BF a "No Contact" letter / email and cc'd me on it...followed by his response. Ironic that I requested this a year ago when I found out about the affair so we could evaluate our relationship; but she didn't honor the request at the time. So, if she ended her relationship about four weeks ago she and her BF were together for 2 1/2 years. 1 1/2 of those years being behind my back as we proceeded with our marriage; moving, buying a new home, taking vacations, etc. like everything was normal.

I believe mose people would raise their arms in victory having their stbxw on their door step begging for them to take them back. It's just killing me inside. I feel like we had a special marriage and this all happened for "not".

I've read about affair recovery, but at this stage in the game I don't even know how I could consider that or overcome everything that she did during her affair. I feel like I was option number two; now that her option one is gone she wants back.

Is this type of last minute appeal common? I'm not cancelling the divorce hearing but man this is really messing with me.

From what I've seen, this is very common. My ex did the same thing. I heard all of the same excuses and that "I'll change...I swear I will" over and over again. Too little, too late for me. Did he change? Of course not.

I'm sorry horizen.

I feel like I was option number two; now that her option one is gone she wants back.

I think this would always be something that haunted you, wouldn't it?

I am trying to put myself in your shoes (WH flew the coop for his OW with no looking back so I can't really imagine.) I don't know for sure what I would do. But yes, I would have the "second choice" issue dilemma, which I think would prevent anything close to the intimacy and trust I once had.

If you are not seeing an IC, I would recommend that. If you need to put the divorce on hold for a bit, do that, but don't let down your guard. You have been through so much.

And if she was carrying on with the affair for a year and a half...buying a home, vacations, acting like life was normal, etc...my guess is you will never look at her in the same way. You deserve to have a bond with someone who hasn't been so deceptive and dishonest, for SO long.

R was never an option for me though, so I can't speak to how that all works.

If it was my WH, I would secretly be glad that life wasn't turning out as planned for him, given what he did to his family, but I would be certain he was doing it because it didn't work out with OW and I was the familiar fall-back.

Good luck...

I think that this shows that she considers you to be Plan B. Stick to your guns. She just wants a soft place to fall instead of accepting the hard reality that she's created.

(((horizen)))

Horizen,

How complex is the divorce? Is there a significant financial hit?

You two would not be the first couple to stop divorce proceedings and successfully recover.

Nor would you be the first couple to stop divorce proceedings and not successfully recover.

My suggestion? Well if the divorce isn’t financially crippling (custody, pay-outs, selling of assets, pensions etc.) then go on with it and then you two can date. If that goes well then you two won’t be the first divorced couple to remarry.

If the divorce has serious financial impact then offer to delay it or stop it but only if she signs a post-nup.

Horizen, I tend to agree with Bigger and Tryingagain. I had a somewhat similar situation with WW breaking it off with POSOM 2 months before D would be final. I was seeing a lot of regret but not true remorse. My heart so wanted to R but my mind was telling me how the hell could I ever forgive/forget what she had done to me. Plus what kind of example was I setting for my kids? Every situation is different but I was strongly favoring R and tried. I guess I was fortunate that she broke NC and got back with him so the decision was made for me.

I thought about the financial implications but at the end of the day, I knew it would be a lifetime of questions and uncertainty. Someone on SI told me that the M ended the moment she allowed a 3rd party into our lives, the D was simply a formality. If it was meant to be, then you will be brought back together one day.

Thoughts and prayers to you my friend.

And if she was carrying on with the affair for a year and a half...buying a home, vacations, acting like life was normal, etc...my guess is you will never look at her in the same way. You deserve to have a bond with someone who hasn't been so deceptive and dishonest, for SO long.

My STBXWH did the same thing... letting us a buy a new home together is something that is really really killing me. He chose for ME knowing soon enough I'd be a single mom.

She is it seems using you as Plan B. Go forth man, and I am so sorry. To me, if she gave a crap about your feeling AT ALL... she'd have stayed away from you.

Go forward with the D. Tell her to live on her own with no dating and get IC for at least 6 months, then you can talk. If she truly wants you back, she will do it. Many just want to fall back when their OP is gone. It isn't you they want, it's they cant' stand to be alone and look in the mirror. You continue on your way, healing. IF she does everything you ask, AND you can see a life with her again, then you can go for it down the road. If she doesn't, you know it wasn't truly you she wanted. Even if she does do everything and you decide you can't, knowing they got some IC is a good thing for any kids in the picture.

I am the betraying spouse in a case exactly like this. Sometimes you just wake the hell up. I don't know if you should cancel the D, only you can decide, but perhaps her NC merits having a long talk with her... if she can be a pane of glass and seems to truly want to earn your trust back, perhaps it's worth a shot. It's hard for me to say otherwise, when I hope for redemption so much as well. But the BS can wake up and feel the full magnitude of their actions and want to make amends.

Okay, so the timeline looks like this:

2 1/2 years ago:

She begins an affair

1 year ago:

You find out about the affair and ask her to end it and recover the marriage.

She chooses the OM.

4 weeks ago:

2 1/2 year relationship with the OM ends

3 weeks ago:

D paperwork completed

1 week ago:

STBXWW asks you to take her back and sends a NC letter to OM

Today:

You're all WTFy

Looks like a mindfuck, all right. I believe her heels could use some coolin'. And you could use some deep breaths. Onward, brother.

Here is my say and only me:

We as BS always want this to happen, we want them to WAKE THE HELL up, when it does then we get the run for the hills sorta thing.

Well I agree with Bigger! I say if she wants to be with you truly then she will have to prove herself to your boundrairs and adhere to your rules this time. You let her know that YOU ARE NO PLAN B and she will have to do the hard work that goes into, IC, being on her own, soul searching, then you can start dating. You can always put the D on hold and wait to see if she can do this. Or you can D and still wait to see if she can do this.

keep your distance and watch for 6 months and then start dating her and taking it slow.

IF THAT IS WHAT YOU WANT!

Yes, I suspect what has me so sideways is that for so long I hoped she would come to her senses and fight for her marriage. Then I gave up, focused on myself, protecting the kids...worked through my stages of grief...eventually adopted the "it still hurts, but I don't care what she does attitude" and outside of the kids simply stopped paying attention to what she did for about three / four months. Turned in the divorce docs which was hard because I was really proud of our marriage...bracing myself for the court date...then wham she's on my doorstep crying daily. It's hard because I truly enjoyed our marriage and the elements it produced...but I know that relationship (even if a reconciliation ever did happen) is truly gone right? What a mental mess...ugh. BTW, I hate drama and just want a simple, fun, healthy life.

...but I know that relationship (even if a reconciliation ever did happen) is truly gone right?

It's questions like this that make me wish my XH would come on here and post.

Horizen, I was the WW in my marriage and we have been divorced for 2 years. We are now reconciling. He asked for me back but I am still proving myself as if it were my idea.

He knew I didn't want the divorce in the first place (A ended on D-day). But I told him I'd go along with whatever he wanted/needed to heal. And I made it clear that I still wanted R someday. So, here we are.

It's possible that it can work, of course. It's been working well for us for 4 months---not a long time, but still. We're optimistic and enjoying our relationship. Of course it's not "just as it was." Things are different: there's no innocence about each other, and none of that fantasy first-time-getting-to-know-you stuff. I am 100% transparent and accountable and will stay that way.

As others on this thread have said, even if you go through with the divorce, if she really means it she will still try to get you back.

Go forward with the D. Tell her to live on her own with no dating and get IC for at least 6 months, then you can talk. If she truly wants you back, she will do it.

^^This. At this stage of the game - a truly remorseful spouse (even an XS) would be patient, and very understanding of your doubts.

If it is about her comfort, or financial situation - she won't agree.

[This message edited by Take2 at 2:29 PM, August 10th (Friday)]

What a WS says and what a WS does are often two different things. My stbxH has continued to tell me he is no longer w/ OW, and wants to be with me, go to counseling, etc.. I have kindly and compassionately told him NO again and again, and have evidence that he continues to see OW to this day. Bold face lies are par for this course, unfortunately. Just another level of betrayal and pain in the infidelity parfait. Protect yourself.

I would just follow your gut instinct. Would you honestly be able to trust her again ?

If you really and truly think that you still love her then fine, but so many of us cling on to the memories of what we thought was a good relationship only to find that it was all an illusion. She cheated fair and square and it seems that om kicked her in to touch and is using you as her back up plan ? If that is the case, stay on your present course and stay away from her as much as possible until you can clarify things in your mind ( 180 at all costs ).

If she truly cares she will fight and fight hard to get you back. No offence intended my friend but i have been where you are now..............good luck whatever you decide.

[This message edited by Suchanidiot at 2:56 PM, August 10th (Friday)]

3 weeks from court date mine finally begged too. But I saw how he had been living through his bank records and there is no way on gods green earth I would ever consider being the last option to his humiliation of being divorced.

Too much damage after S is way worse than the A.

4 yrs ago my husband filed for divorce. Met someone else and had seemingly moved on from me. 6 mos. later he let ow go and I worked on the marriage not him because I was the problem KWIM. It was called off. I waited and watched for three yrs. He just didn't really love me. 3 years later I filed there will be no turning back for me. It is taking a toll on us financially but I don't care. I just want out.

I wasted 4yrs of my life... Divorce isn't really forever if you don't want it to be. But I do.....

[This message edited by Thistles at 6:28 AM, August 11th (Saturday)]

Our divorce will be finalized on Thursday (if she agrees in the hearing). I'm still a mess over her recent desire to recover the marriage. She wants to spend time together; talks in fragments like "I want to recover the marriage we had, I don't want to lose you, I'm sorry for what I did and will work to make it right". Then days will go by with nothing. She said the above to me on Sunday, yet made plans (getting her hair cut, working on her condo, etc.) for something each night this week until the hearing. So I take that as words not matching actions. When she takes a step towards me I almost feel panicked inside because I don't know what to do about her approach. What a mind twist at this stage in the game.

If it was my WH, I would secretly be glad that life wasn't turning out as planned for him, given what he did to his family, but I would be certain he was doing it because it didn't work out with OW and I was the familiar fall-back.

Me too