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One week, 2 days in since D-Day, I’m on a path that might lead to R. And while the details are like so many other stories here on SI, the one thing that sticks out is the importance of telling the OP’s spouse.

I confronted the OM via phone, told him he had 12 hours to tell his wife – because I would be contacting her. This was a slight mistake on my part (the 12 hours), but what ensued demonstrated the power of telling the other spouse – I want to share this part with the SI community.

Both my WS and the OM worked me hard to not tell the OPS. “you’re being vindictive”, “its none of your business”, “You’ll hurt the rest of their family”. WS and OM worked the good-cop/bad-cop routine, my WS playing the bad, the OM playing the good. Phone calls, text messages, etc - It turned into emails to me from the OM that were a combination of long, logical arguments and trying to impart guilt.

In some weird sense of moral standing, I promised I would not do anything rash, or emotional – but would think this through and make a decision. After three days, I sent the OM an email saying he had one day to tell his wife, and then she would get an email from me. The way I saw it, the only people that would get hurt if she didn’t know was me, and the OPS. Plus, the OPS did not have an advocate in this at all – she was being kept in the dark, and I needed to be that advocate.

Sending the email - that’s when the cowpie hit the fan. OM contacts WS. WS said to me “then that’s it, I’m leaving – you’re sealing our fate”, then went into all sorts of rants and raves; Saying anything to convince me. OM is sending me threatening emails about him destroying my family.

Then, quiet. About mid-day, I get a call from OM – let it go to VM. A few minutes later, another call, another VM. I listen – the first is OM stating he’s disclosed to his wife. His voice, no emotion. Almost robotic. He puts his wife on, she is caring, gracious, and shaken but the FIRST thing she says is “thank you for the honesty”, the second, “I’m sorry for the pain we caused”. Finally “we will get through this”.

I listen to the second voice mail – its OM, with a distinctly different tone of voice – it sounds pure evil. “Don’t ever contact me again, nor my family, not my wife”. He states we are on an even playing field. I don’t have any leverage anymore. If I contact his wife, he will make sure my family is destroyed.

What a contrast. Her caring gracious voice, his evil threatening one. She thanked me. Yes, thanked me. I considered posting the voicemails on SI – to personal, to too many people. Just the tone of voice is such a dramatic message.

I played them for my WS. The next 24 hours were extremely tough. Her fantasy had been blown away. He did not leave his wife, run to my wife’s side. He stayed with his family, at least for now. 1 week later, my wife is still home. We are working on things. We are talking, figuring out the next steps. OM is not in the picture, he’s “tied up” for now, trying to work his own problems. And despite all the threats, all the supposed “consequences”, NONE of it came true. It was all just arguments to try and maintain their fantasy.

I think that there were three big lessons here: 1) the wayward persons will do or say anything to keep their fantasy intact. They will say hurtful things, caring things, threatening things. You have to ignore them all. 2) The OP’s spouse WANTS to know – it’s their right, and they will be ultimately thankful. 3) You can’t start healing until the fantasy is gone. This is the best way to bust the fantasy – make it visible.

If I had it to do all over again, I would never have contacted OM, I would have called his wife directly, immediately. There was NO value in talking with him. In fact, it allowed resentment to build up between me and WS. If I had just talked to her, it would have just ended, and we would be able to start the healing process 3 days earlier.

Thanks to everyone on SI – this site is a godsend. In my emotional state, I wouldn’t have “a plan”, couldn’t think straight. I’m following the SI recipe, and it may very well be the thing that saves my marriage. God bless you all.

Well done. And yes, the warning is often not helpful. And yes, the waywards will twist and scream and threaten, and then be left exposed with no place to turn...except back where they should have been..

Just to play devil's advocate. Are you 100% sure that it was the OM's BS that was on the phone? In warning him, is it possible he had someone else pretend to be his BS? It would not be the first time that has happened. The fact that he called you again and told you to never contact him or his BS again is just a little off.

Yea - Id do it myself in person. You want to be sure. These liars will do anything.

I also wonder is that was really the other BS.

I told, too. I didn't give warning. My husband knew of my intent, and both he and OW tried to convince me not to. (OW told me via email that "things had been distant" in her marriage, and disclosure would be "the final disaster." As though it had somehow enhanced my marriage. Bitch.)

But I didn't tell them when or how I was going to inform the other BS, because I knew I would be thwarted or the message would be intercepted. I don't know if she told her husband in advance because I didn't offer the opportunity to cook up new stories/lies. She may well have warned him a crazy lady would be getting in touch. I have no idea. I never spoke to him.

I sent a letter explaining the details I knew of the affair--and the evidence I had--to his office.

When I learned, much later, that NC had never been in effect, I contacted him again--this time by email.

That's when the affair ended.

And it was well after our marriage (and theirs, I suspect---and hope; she is a manipulative cake-eating bitch who had her husband AND mine scurrying about to make her happy) was salvageable.

Telling the other spouse is good advice. It's the right thing to do. S/he deserves the truth so that s/he can make informed decisions about his/her life. S/he needs to be tested for STDs.

Telling for reasons other than because it's the right thing, though---well, that can lead to disappointment.

It doesn't always end affairs. It doesn't always result in the OP showing his/her true colors in a way that our WSs see. Sometimes, we just get called vindictive bitches/bastards, and things still suck.

And even then, it's the right thing to do.

I‘m not a betting man. Don’t play the lottery, poker, blackjack or go to casinos. I don’t bet on sports. I do know that in roulette you can bet on red or black and have a close to 50/50 chance to win.

But if they offered odds on OM reaction to exposure to the OMW… I would be rich. I would probably be running a 9 out of 10 ratio of correct assessment of reaction.

The reaction you describe is classic. This is exactly what happens in the extreme vast majority of cases. The OM and WW try to convince that exposure is not required. Once exposed the OMW is grateful for the knowledge. The WW threatens to leave. The OM reacts angrily with threats. The OM dumps WW…

I do wish we could place money on this…

Just about to tell the OP Spouse via email in the next few days. See my thread on Telling the OM wife.

I just see the two-faced bull shit that I'm living through as far as the two different tones go. We'll see what happens. But really, aren't we all just watching people with at least two "faces" in infidelity, the one we see as a partner and the one the OP sees?

I agree with circlingthedrain.

I think you should call is wife when you know he's not there. Tell her who you are,and tell her you just wanted to make sure she had the truth. Chances are,even if that was his wife,she was lied to. I would bet the farm he told her the affair was shorted than it was,or they weren't physical,whatever he told her,I guarantee that woman doesnt have the truth.

I keep coming back to this thread. I think you should contact her again. He said not to contact his family? Fuck him.

I too am skeptical that you actually talked to his betrayed spouse. It was the other VM with the evil voice that made me suspicious. Do you have proof or evidence of their affair? You could hopefully find a way to contact her directly and ask her if she wants the evidence. I don't trust that SOB as far as I can spit. Sorry. Why would his wife say she's sorry for the pain 'we' caused? She did nothing wrong! Don't let that moron scare you into being SURE his spouse knows. I'm really concerned he talked some other female into doing this for him. I could just see that he's telling people you're threatening him, when it's the other way around. Do you have proof of his threats to destroy your family? If so, print and save in a safety deposit box or with a trusted friend, or two. Did hearing his evil voice help your WW come out of the fog, a little? So sorry that you're dealing with this:-( Good luck.

Amost 99% of the time I agree. I this whole thing was easier for all of us.

I have my doubts the BW was on the phone.

WW's OM#2 claimed he was separated when my WW "met" with him. My completely self-aware WW didn't think he would lie. She's a brilliant one.

I found the BW work email and told her. She needed to be aware of her life. She needed to be tested.

Call the BW. Just confirm the vmail. You owe the OM and your WW nothing in regards to this. They had a choice. Once they made it, that choice had consequences. Whether they knew this beforehand is irrelevant. That's life. Tell them to suck it up.

[This message edited by Ghostrider at 7:25 PM, August 25th (Saturday)]

What do you do when the OM is a widower?

When the OM is a widower you expose the A to his children if they are adults and his parents.

You exposeto his peers at work or any group he belongs too!

First off don't believe anything they say. You be the bigger person. I had OMW visit me at my home. We sat and talked for an hour. She was sorry her WS caused my family's pain. She's trying R. This s supposedly her ws's second time. I knew who she was by name but not sight. She didn't want me to hurt her family.

Then there's the OM2.

My lawyer will send OM2 a letter to make a deal and we will go away. Divorces are expen$ive! Now he gets the choice I guess. We will see who's the turkey thes thanksgiving.

Good luck. I vote for Face time.

He states we are on an even playing field. I don’t have any leverage anymore. If I contact his wife, he will make sure my family is destroyed.

Even playing field, huh?

The two of you will NEVER be on an even field....unless you choose to become a scumbag like this guy in the future.

You are the one in the center of all of this, so you probably know better if that was his BW that you spoke to. But as for the threat to never contact his BW wife again---he doesn't have that right. Only she does. And if he doesn't like that, I believe that Crushed says it best:

I keep coming back to this thread. I think you should contact her again. He said not to contact his family? Fuck him.

Sorry about the t/j, I have a question.

First, I agree you should confirm that indeed she knows.

Second, for those of you on this thread right now, I exposed mow to her bh. At first, he asked for evidence, but didn't follow up. I struggle, 2 years out, that he doesn't know the half of it. I find, when I'm angry, I want to send him everything. Struggling with that now. I have to see her smug face occasionally, and it irks me to no end. What say you wise SI'rs? 2x4 me as required.

I hate to be so jaded and I swore I wouldn't become so jaded, but I would want to confirm it was really BS, also. *sigh* People indulging in infidelity indulge in all kinds of shenanigans.

And as far as this:

“Don’t ever contact me again, nor my family, not my wife

What gall! Did he ask you if he could "contact" your wife? As Crushed38 so eloquently put it, Fuck Him!

eta: I wanted to tell you great job on informing the BS! Great post! I know that wasn't easy to do, but it is the right thing to do in almost every situation. (((Jaco))) Also, welcome to SI. The best club you don't ever want to belong to!

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 11:51 AM, August 26th (Sunday)]

Great post Jaco.

I went through the same thing. I finally broke down and called the OM wife. The S*** hit the fan. Up till that point he had been posting love songs to my wife on facebook and so on.

I called her and all the sudden it wasn't funny anymore. I got a message from him saying. "This has got to stop, you have got to quit talking to my wife". When I got that one I laughed out loud.

Once I called her they entire dynamic changed. He threw my wife under the bus with an incredible degree of force.

I finally got the truth as his wife and I have stayed in contact. She even suggested we "get even" in a roundabout way. I didn't take the bait but if I were a lesser person I would have.

Funny how things turn out when the truth is exposed.